Chapter 204 - Why, Ha Lin?

At a medical facility a few hours from Hospital Imperial,

Jane Chu was sitting opposite Ha Lin with a disgruntled expression while the latter was holding a hand against her reddened left cheek. 

Other than the red palm print on her face, Ha Lin looked extremely pale and malnourished. She had been eating the minimum amount of food and had been rejecting counseling treatment throughout the duration that she was here.  

"Why, Ha Lin? Why can't you just live on?" Jane Chu asked as she stared at the woman while rubbing her sore palm. It was rare for her to be violent, but when she saw Ha Lin earlier, she could not help herself and her hand just flew right for Ha Lin's face. 

She was angry... for both Mo Shaoyun and for Mo Yuan. Despite this being a sham marriage, Mo Shaoyun had done everything he could to ensure that Ha Lin and Mo Yuan's safety. And Mo Yuan... All he wanted was his mother to be well, and yet, Ha Lin kept doing things like this. 

Jane Chu understood that Ha Lin was suffering from postpartum depression, but it had been more than 2 years, and Mo Shaoyun had been doing everything he could to help her get out of it, but why was she still in the same state? No! She was actually getting worse! 

"It's hard..." Ha Lin said as she looked at her bandaged left wrist. She did not remember why or when she did it. The last thing she could remember was a searing pain across her wrist and in her heart before she fainted.  

"Ha Lin, what do you want really? Don't you love Yuan Yuan? Don't you want to see him grow up? I gave up Mo Shaoyun so that you can protect Yuan Yuan, so why are you doing this to him? Can't you see that he's suffering as well?" 

Ha Lin gripped the hem of the hospital gown she was wearing as tears welled up in her eyes. "Too hard... It's too hard..."

"What's so hard about staying alive?" Jane Chu asked in an exasperated tone. "I know what happened to your lover, but you need to think about Yuan Yuan! He's only 2 years old! He needs his mother!" 

"I... wanted us to be together..." Ha Lin said as tears fell on her tightly clenched fists. "I just... I wanted a family... Someone that would love me..."

Ha Lin thought about her cold, cruel father, and she shivered involuntarily. Her father had never seen her as anything but a tool to be traded off. All her life, she had been something of value instead of someone to be used.

When he caught her in bed with another man, he had been furious and he forced her to go for blind dates with the sons of his business partners.

Because of her pregnancy, she had to go to Mo Shaoyun and begged him for help, which he did at the expense of his own relationship with Jane Chu.  

Jane Chu massaged her brows as she muttered, "Yuan Yuan loves you, Ha Lin. Can't you see that?" 

Ha Lin did not move, but the sound of her crying softly reverberated across the private meeting room. After a while, she nodded. "That's why it's so hard..."

She covered her eyes and cried, "I love him so much... But he looks so much like his father... I killed him... If I hadn't fallen for him... If I hadn't accepted his feelings for me... then he would still be alive..."

Ha Lin looked at Jane Chu with a tear-filled face and asked, "How can I live well knowing that I killed my dearest? How do I... tell Yuan Yuan that his real father died because of me?" 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ha Lin," Jane Chu sighed. "His death was your father's doing, not yours. But if you had killed yourself... If you had succeeded... Then you are in the wrong! You'd leave Yuan Yuan by himself! How could you bear to? How could you be so cruel?! Yuan Yuan is so adorable and kind and smart, and all he wants is to spend some time with you!" 

Ha Lin shook her head and wiped off her tears. She felt exhausted. Living, faking her emotions... She had been hiding some of the medicines that she was supposed to take... She had to. The medicines calmed her down, but it made her think too much. "He's better off without me, Jane. He's better off not knowing the truth..."

"Ha Lin, you-"

"Jane, would you be his mother?" Ha Lin asked all of a sudden. 

"What?" 

"Yuan Yuan deserves someone better... someone stronger that could protect him. I know that you love Shaoyun... but, can you love my son as well?" Ha Lin asked. "I don't want Yuan Yuan to know that his mother is such a weak person."

Jane Chu slapped the table with her palms and stood up angrily. "What is wrong with you? If you don't want that, then get stronger! Get well soon!" 

Ha Lin shook her head as she looked out the window. "I'll get well... but not here. I... want to go away. Faraway... To that country where he promised to take me to..."

There was a glazed expression in her eyes, as if she were looking at something far away. 

"Ha Lin, Yuan Yuan has a mother and that's you. I won't take that position away from you! He's your son, and you'll take care of him yourself!" Jane Chu sneered. 

She could tell that Ha Lin was alert now and that the woman understood everything she was saying. 

Ha Lin shook her head slowly. "If I take him with me... there's no guarantee that I won't hurt him again. What if... I hurt him badly?"

She could still recall it. That day... When she looked at her son, she suddenly thought of taking him with her to meet her lover. And when the feelings overwhelmed her, she lost her sense of reality, and the next thing she knew, someone was pulling her hands away from her son's throat. 

She continued in a soft voice, "I love my son dearly, but looking at him is too painful for me, and I can't... I just can't... And I can't send him to my father!"

At the mention of her father, her eyes turned red with anger as she added, "No matter what, I won't let my father get near Yuan Yuan... Shaoyun promised me that Yuan Yuan will forever be his son..."

She looked at Jane Chu in the eyes, and suddenly, she got up and got down on her knees. 

Plang! 

The chair fell as she bowed down to Jane Chu. 

"Jane, I beg of you... I've been selfish toward you, and you've forgiven me even though you barely knew me... So, please! Let me be selfish again so that I can give Yuan Yuan a better life... Please let Yuan Yuan be Shaoyun's son!"

Jane tried to help her up, but Ha Lin shook her head as she tried her best to remain in a prostrate position. 

Tears kept falling down her cheeks as she begged, "I have only this son. I just want him to have the best thing in life... Please, Jane... Please let him continue to be Shaoyun's son and please take him as your son... I know you care for him!"

Whenever Mo Shaoyun took Mo Yuan to come and visit her, Mo Yuan would always talk about Jane Chu and what they did, and he was always so happy when he was talking about Jane Chu... Which was why Ha Lin made this decision. 

Holding onto Jane's arms, Ha Lin added, "I know Yuan Yuan loves you as well... He will forget about me soon enough... He will treat you like his own mother." 

Jane Chu used her entire strength and lifted Ha Lin up before pushing her to sit on a chair. "Yuan Yuan is not a piece of furniture for you to pass around!" 

Ha Lin cried, "I don't know what else to do... I can't face him... I really can't... I'm sorry..."

"I love Yuan Yuan... and because I love him, I can't allow you to do that..." Jane Chu said sternly. 

Ha Lin buried her face in her hands. "Why..."

Before she knew what she knew, she thought she could be brave and live alone with Mo Yuan after she signed the divorce paper. But after that... It was as if all her bravery had left her. It was like... she was just an empty shell waiting to die.

When she looked at her hands, she could see the blood of her lover on it, and she did not want to wake up one day to find her son's blood in her hands...

Jane Chu paced around the room. After a while, she cursed loudly before saying, "We'll talk to Yuan Yuan together... and we'll arrange something so that Yuan Yuan can see you once in a while, but you're NOT going to abandon him! I'd not let that kid suffer that!"

"Jane..." Ha Lin looked up at her with anticipation in her eyes. 

Jane Chu sighed. "You're his mother and nothing would change that. I'll agree to this, but only if you don't just abandon Yuan Yuan like that. He has been through a lot, and he doesn't need all that. And you have to promise me that you'll get counseling and that you'll get better!" 

Ha Lin thought for a moment before nodding slowly. 

...

xxx

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