CH 10

Life went on as before, peaceful without any disturbances. Ruan Zhizhi’s news report received a high degree of praise from her boss. At the same time, her probationary period officially passed.

Although this result was expected, she still let out a deep sigh of relief. When she had studied abroad in the United States, Ruan Zhizhi majored in the finance department in the Faculty of Business. Her profession as a reporter was indeed a stretch from this. However, after graduating and returning to China, she had thought about it again and again. In the end, she gave up many interview opportunities from large, well-known foreign companies, and instead chose an occupation that she was more interested in. For a long time after that, her mother couldn’t look at her with a good expression.

But she didn’t regret it at all. A lifetime was so long, and it would be such a pity to waste time doing things she didn’t like. For that same reason, if she couldn’t waste time with the person she liked the most, it would be the greatest tragedy.

Fortunately, the probationary period had now passed. Her work was on the right track, so her mother shouldn’t have any more opinions.

Since becoming an official reporter, Ruan Zhizhi was still at a relatively idle stage in her work. Therefore, with nothing to do, she was frequently dragged out by Gu Nian to accompany her for tea and chitchat. The reason for this was because Gu Nian was suffering from premarital phobia.

Just like today. It was obviously a perfect weekend if one didn’t mind the life-threatening calls coming in first thing in the morning. 

Ruan Zhizhi yawned and climbed out of bed with extreme unwillingness. She was so sleepy that her eyes wouldn’t open, and when she squeezed out her toothpaste, she almost grabbed her cleansing lotion.

She casually wore a pair of ripped jeans with a sports-style jacket over it, then added a pair of bright, colour-block sneakers. When Ruan Zhizhi looked in the mirror, she deeply felt that as a twenty-five-year-old woman, she seemed to dress a bit young.

Just when she was thinking about whether to change her jacket, Gu Nian urged her with yet another call. Ruan Zhizhi had no choice but to tell her that she had already left home. After hanging up, she figured that she may as well finish what she started and simply tied a high ponytail to finish the look.

Ruan Zhizhi walked out of her room. She felt that if she went to A University like this, she might be recognized as a student.

Ruan Zhizhi wasn’t affiliated with A University, one of the most reputable, top-ranking universities in the country. But because of Gu Nian, she had been there a few times more or less.

Familiar with the way, she reached the offices in the teaching building where Gu Nian was located. Just as she was about to push the door and walk in, she saw Gu Nian hurrying out with a stack of lesson plans in her arms.

When Gu Nian saw her, she immediately pouted. With utter sadness, she said, “Zhizhi, one of my colleagues has an urgent matter today, so I was asked to substitute for their finance and economics class. The lecture will be over in about an hour, you go walk around first. After I’m done, I’ll treat you to a meal.” Once she finished speaking, she glanced at her wristwatch. She probably felt that she was late to class. She didn’t even care that she was wearing high heels and ran all the way down the corridor with her lesson plans in hand.

Ruan Zhizhi looked at her retreating figure and sighed silently. Although Gu Nian was a little unreliable in terms of feelings, when it came to work, she was very serious and responsible.

After all, she was a professor of A University—a shining, golden institution. Any teacher working at this university would have extraordinary pressure.

Just thinking about it like this, Ruan Zhizhi was bored stiff and took a slow walk through the labyrinth-like teaching building. Before long, she found herself shamefully lost.

A little at a loss, she glanced around and happened to see that there was a lecture hall with its door half-open. There were faint voices coming from inside.

Someone was there. Maybe a class.

If she simply asked for directions, it wouldn’t disturb them for long, right?

En…it should be fine.

Thinking so, Ruan Zhizhi made the prompt decision to walk towards the lecture hall. Since the main door was tightly closed, she could only slip through the half-open door discreetly.

As soon as she entered, she was taken aback by the grand scene in front of her. This lecture hall could accommodate almost three hundred people, and presently, it was densely packed. Some people didn’t even have a seat, so they sat directly on the classroom steps. It was a sea of people, and not one drop would be able to trickle through.

What class was so enticing?

Curiosity instantly suppressed her original purpose of asking for directions. Ruan Zhizhi walked into the crowd, found an inconspicuous corner, and sat down with the other students. The others merely thought she had come late. Along with the simple and stylish sportswear she was wearing, no one suspected that she had already graduated from university for three years now. 

She sat down quietly. Before she could lift her head, she heard a man’s clear, cold voice with a trace of hoarseness coming from the middle of the lecture hall. It was deep, calm, and provocative.

He said: “Avoidant personality disorder. The biggest characteristics seen in people with this disorder are behavioural withdrawal, psychological inferiority, oftentimes a closed heart, an unwillingness to have close contact with others, and a great sense of social unease.”

Ruan Zhizhi had already heard this extremely recognizable voice many times. Even if she wanted to recognize it wrong, her ears wouldn’t allow it.

In this world, could such a coincidence really occur?

After a month, she ran into him again on such an inappropriate occasion.

Ruan Zhizhi raised her head. In the next second, the calm and collected man on the podium happened to turn around. Unguarded, she fell into the man’s deep pupils.

Gloomy, indifferent, weary of the world. Like a poisonous poppy, it was clear that he was extremely dangerous, yet there were still people who advanced dauntlessly, wave after wave, willing to embrace him with open arms.

He was clearly surrounded by mountains and seas of people, standing in the middle of it all. However, the feeling Shi Yan conveyed at this very moment seemed to be the feeling of standing amongst a desolate and uninhabited ruin. 

Ruan Zhizhi looked at his eyes. They were so cold that they were almost neglectful. Her fingers that grasped her phone couldn’t help but tremble.

However, this tiny movement seemed to be detected by the other party. She was sensitively aware that when Shi Yan looked at her, his emotionless eyes softened little by little, as if he knew he had frightened her.

His gaze stayed on her for at least five seconds, then he turned around in a calm and composed manner, his tone as steady as before: “The primary cause of avoidant personality disorder is a sense of inferiority. Feelings of inferiority can originate from a person’s childhood. As a result of their own inability, they can only watch certain things happen helplessly. This thereby creates feelings of incompetence and suffering. Of course, this also involves a person’s self-contempt due to a rise in physical or psychological defects.”

Shi Yan’s way of teaching was not at all easy. His style of conversation lacked wit and was somewhat solemn. But for some reason, just like the more than three hundred students sitting in the lecture hall at this moment, Ruan Zhizhi couldn’t help immersing herself in the content he explained. There was no reason. It was simply that her brain was continuously and uncontrollably attracted to him. It was completely involuntary.

This person really did have powers.

She quietly listened to his lecture. For a moment, she even forgot about the time.

When the end of class was approaching, Shi Yan concluded the lecture five minutes early. He stood behind the podium with his head down and a faint expression on his face. As he packed up his lesson plans, he said casually, “As usual, before we finish class, I’ll ask a few students to share their favourite quote recently.”

As soon as he finished speaking, numerous hands raised in unison under the podium. 

Shi Yan didn’t even look, nonchalantly pointing to a female student.

The girl was stunned for a moment, then widened her eyes slightly, as if she didn’t dare believe her luck was so good. She stood up, so excited that her voice even shook: “My favourite quote lately is from Jane Eyre, it’s her monologue: ‘And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal—as we are!’”

“Very good.” Shi Yan nodded, his tone extremely perfunctory. Even so, the female student sat down happily.

Immediately, he pointed to a few other people. 

“‘All dharmas arise in dependence upon other dharmas: if this exists, that exists; if this ceases to exist, that also ceases to exist.’”

“‘Every life must be affirmed and respected. Death is our friend. Death is our greatest support in life. We walk toward it every day.’”

“‘There are hundreds of flowers in spring, and a bright moon in autumn; cool breezes in summer and quiet snow in winter. If there is nothing bothering you in your heart, it is a good season on earth.’”

……

Once the last girl finished reciting her poem, she raised her head and looked at Shi Yan a little shyly. Biting her lip, it took a while for her to summon the courage to ask, “Professor Shi, today, could you please share a quote you like with us?”

The hand grabbing the lesson plans stopped. Everyone thought that Shi Yan would refuse ruthlessly as usual, but today, he didn’t. Still, he maintained the movement that he was about to leave the classroom without turning around or looking back.

The outline of his back carried a dense fog of loneliness and weariness. When he began to speak, his voice was slightly rough, but it was still as seductive as always: “‘There are some people who think love is sex and marriage and six o’clock kisses and children, and perhaps it is. But do you know what I think? I think love is a touch and yet not a touch.’ 

“From Salinger’s The Heart of a Broken Story, class dismissed.” From beginning to end, Shi Yan didn’t look back. After saying these words, he didn’t look at anyone and followed a straight trajectory out of the classroom.

Love is a touch and yet not a touch.

Salinger’s short story, The Heart of a Broken Story, had also been read by Ruan Zhizhi over and over again. She remembered how someone had commented on the story: Some writers spend their entire lives writing, but are incapable of producing a sentence that possesses so many intense emotions in so few words.

From One Hundred Years of Solitude to The Heart of a Broken Story, Shi Yan always seemed to like such negative and sorrowful stories.

Perhaps they were just two pitiful people who weren’t allowed to love, that’s all.

Following the stream of students out of the classroom, Ruan Zhizhi checked the time. She estimated that Gu Nian should also be finishing class at this time. She was thinking of calling out to a student to ask for directions, but when she looked up, she didn’t expect to see Shi Yan smoking in the smoking room across the corridor.

Compared to a stranger, was it better to ask someone she was acquainted with for directions?

After ruminating for a while, she changed the orientation of her footsteps and walked towards the smoking room.

Ruan Zhizhi reached the door. Shi Yan’s back was towards her at this moment. His tall, lean figure appeared cold and emotionless, the same as in the classroom a moment ago. There seemed to be warnings coming from his body telling strangers to stay away.

She opened her mouth and was about to call him, but somehow, in the next second, Shi Yan seemed to sense something in his heart. He suddenly turned around. 

She was completely defenseless meeting his detached, sharp eyes. 

When the other party saw it was her, his expression relaxed a little. With a cigarette still in his mouth, he lowered his eyes and calmly greeted her, “We meet again.”

“Yes, we meet again.” Ruan Zhizhi coughed and asked with a little embarrassment, “I’m here to find my friend, but because the campus is so big, I seem to be lost. Can you tell me how to get to the third teaching building?”

Shi Yan pursed his lips and revealed a very mild smile. He stubbed the cigarette in his hand and slowly walked out of the dimly lit smoking room.

For some reason, when Ruan Zhizhi saw him move away from the darkness towards the light, she unexpectedly let out a faint sigh of relief.

“I’ll take you there,” he said.