Chapter 185 - Bumbling Resolve

Lei Xing took a step forward and then froze and then subconsciously lowered herself into another stool.

{...But then what the hell would I say? And what if...If he asks what I want...I say?... I want to talk this out, what if he doesn't want to talk to me? Well then I can scream what I want, he has ears, he'll hear it...Send me away if you want, but stop this passive aggressive bullshit! It's irritating!... Yeah, that's definitely stupid, I may just propel him to running me through -_-)...}

Lei Xing sighed and frowned down at her hands as she flicked her fingernails.

{...He wouldn't...He would probably just look at me like I ran him through...It's an awful feeling...*sigh* I definitely could have been better, but I didn't expect him to look at me like that...He makes it really difficult to...to dislike him. I've honestly never met anyone like him, no one this tolerant...And I've never felt...this bothered...

...*sigh* I probably won't be able to sleep tonight again, even being in the room is uncomfortable...I'm tired, this is tiring. We're fixing this! Or at least going to try, I'll sleep better having tried and failed. Screw him and whatever happens after!..}

Lei Xing took a deep breath, got up again and this time with conviction, she marched forward.

{...If I go and he's a douche, all the better for me because that means I don't have to think about shit anymore because I don't do douches!... Bottomline is I'm freaking tired of thinking about this shit!...}

Lei Xing shut down all the thoughts of protests in her head and marched to the royal study. All for her to arrive and be informed that the Emperor was not feeling well and so had returned to his palace. She simply nodded, turned and left with her heightened resolve crumbling.

{...Not feeling well, he's sick?... Can't be my fault, right? Why the hell would it be my fault? It's not...What if his injuries started festering? They're just tiny cuts - Tiny can get infected too - But I' sure it's not that...He's resting, so I shouldn't disturb him...I'll probably just aggravate him and make him worse if I go...}

Lei Xing sighed and with a deflated spirit, she dragged herself back to her palace and went back to her seat of the day at the pavilion. The servants had already cleared the table and tea was quickly brought to her. Ah Jin poured her a cup of tea, but Lei Xing just sat there, elbows up on the table and resting her face on her hands and blankly staring down at the cup. 

After a long while of her just sitting there, a maid came and bowed to her, but Lei Xing did not even notice the girl until she heard the words, "Your highness, the Emperor has sent for you."

Lei Xing immediately sat up and blinked at the maid and stupidly went, "Me?"

The maid slightly knit her eyebrows at Lei Xing, perplexed but then she quickly bowed her head and said, "Yes, your highness." 

Lei Xing immediately got up and took a step but then stopped, gulped and hesitated for a bit. She stood there for a little while before she began walking again, dragging her feet as her heartbeat rapidly.

{...It's okay, it'll be fine...He sent for me, which means he wants to see me, right?... So it can't go wrong...probably....}

Lei Xing spent the entire walk to his palace, trying to calm and prep herself for the encounter. 

{...I wanted to see him and now here's the chance...We can settle this and...I don't freaking know! >_

Lei Xing finally arrived at the Emperor's palace and felt even more anxious as she stepped in and was directed to the pavilion...where they had shared their first kiss.

{...Of course, he's there...Might as well just shoot me! >_

Her heartbeat became even more erratic when she saw him sitting there reading in the exact same position... just like he was at that time. She stopped and lightly bowed, but this time he did not even glance her way and her mood further dampened.

"Sit." The Emperor calmly ordered, still not looking up. Lei Xing complied and went to sit down on the pillow cushion at the side of the table instead of across from him. She did not want to further recreate the scene. She pouted and looked down at her hands.

{...He's ignoring me...}

She nervously plucked at her fingernails, while she stole glances at the Emperor's face. The bruises were gone and the cuts were mostly healed as well.  

{...He doesn't sick...The injuries really turned out to be nothing too...I was worried for nothing. Of course, there's plenty of people to worry about him...He doesn't need me to...doesn't need me for anything...What am I thinking? Do I need him for anything? No, but I want him!...O_O)...}

Lei Xing went wide-eyed at that thought and then frowned. She had never directly admitted that before, not even to herself. She knew she enjoyed his company and his absence these past few days have been unnerving and honestly depressing considering how they parted. Lei Xing lightly sighed.

{...I guess that's...true? Fine, I like him. I am aware, I'm not an idiot...But like and want are two different things...Are they though? I don't know...Fine, I do, I could, maybe, okay, ye-...}

"Are you looking for me to plead on your cousin's behalf as well?" The Emperor asked, bringing Lei Xing out of her thoughts. 

"Huh?" Lei Xing responded looking up at him, lost and disoriented. 

{...Cousin? Who cousin?...}

The Emperor did not look at her but knit his brows and informed, "Your father and her father already came to plead on her behalf...She doesn't seem to like you, but you want to plead for her?"

{...Oh, Chen You is cousin...Forgot -_-)...}

Lei Xing realized what he was referring to and immediately responded, "No, not at all. I'm not here for that." She had forgotten about Chen You and honestly did not care what happened to her.

The Emperor glanced at her, his heart lurched and he frowned and quickly faced forward and flatly asked, "Are you here to ask me to kill her then?"

Lei Xing knit her brows. This conversation was not going at all as she expected and she carefully responded, "No, not that either."

"I thought you wanted the cause of...your affliction dead." The Emperor offhandedly said, his eyes scanning the doc.u.ment in his hand, seemingly uninterested with her presence.

Lei Xing frowned and looked down at her hands and quietly said, "Well, that was then and now it's...do as you see fit."

The two sat quietly for a while, then the Emperor asked, "Then why were you looking for me?"

Lei Xing glanced up at him to find him concentrating on his memorial. He had barely even glanced her way since she arrived and now he was asking her why she was here as if she was unwanted and was bothering him. It was upsetting.

Lei Xing lowered her head again and pouted.

{...What do you mean why? Can't I just want to see your face or something? it's not a crime... Don't be mean (๑•́ω•̀ )...}