Chapter 186 - Meeting of the Minds

The Emperor covertly glanced at Lei Xing's pouting form and knit his brows

{...Her complexion doesn't look too good. Has she been ill? I didn't hear anything about that -...}

Lei Xing raised her head and the Emperor immediately averted his eyes and pretended to be fully concentrating on the doc.u.ment in his hand. He felt Lei Xing staring at him and it took a considerable amount of will power not to look at her. Honestly, she had been tasking his will power since she arrived. 

Actually, it was since the moment he heard she went looking for him. She had never sought him out before, he was curious and excited...but then he reminded himself not to get excited unnecessarily. He rationalized reasons why she would possibly seek him out and thought it would be about the matter Chen You's matter. But then she said it was none of those reasons...

And the one thought he had been pushing back all this while came to the forefront of his mind. Perhaps, she missed him as well. 

But he could not be confident in that thought and so, he did not allow himself to indulge in it and stamped down the thought. Thinking about that would only make him feel worse when she eventually said what it was she sought him for.

So he asked her what she wanted but she just sat there, frowning and pouting very cutely, torturing him. It was one thing when he could not see her, but having her being right there but feeling so far away was upsetting. But still, he wanted to see her and so could not send her away. He wanted to ask her what her purpose what again, but she seemed so fidgety like she would run off at any moment. 

And now she was staring at him intently, he wanted to look up to see her expression but he thought she might really get scared off and run away and so he continued staring down at the doc.u.ment, with no words going in and all his senses focused on her. 

After a long time of Lei Xing's silently staring. Lei Xing took a deep breath, let it out and then said, "I'm sorry." 

The Emperor blinked and turned to her in surprise.

{...She came to apologize?...}

He opened his mouth to speak but before he could speak Lei Xing held a hand up and said, "Just let me finish." Then she closed her eyes and took another deep breath, opened her eyes and then said, "I realize I owe you a better explanation, given the situation...and everything that's happened..." She paused, bit her lower lip.

{...This is awkward and frustrating...But we can do this, just blurt it out! It's not that hard...It's just words, nothing to them and if he's a douche - He won't be so - We can do this!...}

Lei Xing cleared her throat and looked straight at him as her face and ears started to redden. She nervously lowered her eyes again, but then willed herself to look up, glaring at him this time.

The Emperor raised his eyebrows as he observed her. He found this amusing but tried not to smile or laugh. She looked like she was ready to fight a war, she looked fierce and adorable.

"I like you." Lei Xing finally blurted out with an intensifying glare, shocking the amus.e.m.e.nt of the Emperor. He went wide-eyed in shock and then his face lit up in happy surprise, but again, before he could speak, Lei Xing put a hand up again and said, "Let me finish." as she took deep breaths to compose herself as her face quickly heated up.

The Emperor smiled and grabbed her hand and softly said, "I've missed you." Lei Xing blinked at him, opened her mouth and then closed it.

{...Ahhh, why do you have to be like this? *>ω

Lei Xing pursed her lips, trying to stifle the smile that was struggling to break free. She drew her hand back and said, "Don't distract me...Let me finish." With a pout, red face and crimson ears. 

The Emperor raised an eyebrow, but complied and waited. Lei Xing closed her eyes as she took a deep breath and then looked up at him with knit eyebrows and began, "Ah, so...Um, remember I told you I lost my memories right before entering the palace. So just imagine not remembering anyone, and then being taken from the place you call home to enter the palace, you would agree it's quite daunting. Not to mention, of all the few things I remembered, the idea of the harem being a dangerous and treacherous place was the clearest of them all. So you can imagine the idea of being part of it was rather distasteful. Suddenly going from not remembering anyone, to entering the palace and being forced to marry some stranger..." 

"Stranger?" The Emperor interjected with knit eyebrows. He did not like that.

Lei Xing narrowed her eyes at him and reminded, "At that time, you were, we were strangers..." She then frowned at the memory and rambled on again, "You also didn't give me much of a choice then and it was honestly infuriating. I also thought I had offended you with the whole Empress thing and you just wanted revenge or something. It was a very odd situation, I failed and you did-..."

She paused and let out a breath, "My point is I was barely given an opportunity to come to terms with who I was told I was - am, who I am. Then I was suddenly thrown into the palace and then suddenly married. Everything happened too suddenly. So I -" She broke off again and looked down and her frown deepened.

This was the difficult part, but she willed herself to look up at him. Since she had started this, she would finish. She looked up at him, glaring in her nervousness and steadily said, "I don't want to find myself suddenly having a child, I -I'm not ready for that." Then she waited, anxiously waited for him to react, for him to tell her to leave or do something mean...so she would leave and will truly forget him this time.

Instead of that, the Emperor smiled and then took her hand and caressed it and said, "All very reasonable...I understand." Lei Xing eyes widened and then she blinked at their hands and then the Emperor moved closer and enveloped her in a warm hug. 

Lei Xing stayed still and let him hug her for a bit. But she needed everything to be clear and so she lightly pushed him back and looked at his warm expression. She searched his eyes looking for something she could not name. She gulped and lowered her eyes to his chest and carried on, "...I- I need you to understand...I can't say when and if I-I'll ever be ready...I- I can say I like you for now b-but as for the re-..."

"It's fine..." The Emperor reassuringly said, bringing a hand up to caress her face. Lei Xing blinked up at him, confused.

The Emperor leaned forward to kiss her but Lei Xing turned her face to the side with a frown.

{...How can it be fine? I just said...What the hell is wrong with me? I should be happy he said that! Why the hell am I questioning it?!...}

"What's wrong?" The Emperor asked looking at her worriedly. He thought they had finally gotten through their problems but now it seemed she was withdrawing again.

Lei Xing glanced at him and then faced away and asked, "How can it be fine?" She knew she was being ridiculous but she could not help thinking about things realistically. If he were to only keep being with her, and she did not want children, then what about his throne? Heirs are naturally important to people like him. 

{...And I am being ridiculous -_-)...}

The Emperor knit his brows in thought, understanding her hesitation. While he was taken aback by her proclamation of not wanting children, what made him angry the most at that time was the fact that she planned to hide it from him.

He had been thought about it. He would, of course, like to have children, and children by her. But between her and children, he wanted her more. Most importantly, from her words just now, it was not an impossibility...she just was not ready for it at the moment. He could understand that.

As for the future, they are young and they have time...and she came to him this time. He was feeling incredibly confident at the moment.

{...It is quite amazing how easily she affects me...}

The Emperor inwardly sighed as he stared at the side of her face and a smile subconsciously formed on his lips and he said, "It's fine because I say it's fine." 

Lei Xing pouted and mumbled, "I guess it's fine since you have so many women so it wouldn't matter..." 

The Emperor turned her face towards him, and held her gaze and said, "There's only you... "

Lei Xing blankly stared at him, her expression softened and then she slightly knit her brows. She could see the sincerity in his eyes and she wanted to believe it, she truly wanted to believe it..and when he kissed her, she felt herself believe it in that moment.

It was a long warm, gentle and reassuring kiss. A kiss to soothe and she responded in kind. All she could not express in words, she gave in her kiss; her fears, her vulnerability, her fragility... and her trust.

And for the first time, the Emperor felt he truly held her, all of her in his arms...and it was the most precious existence in the world to him.