Chapter 184 - Mounting Resolve

Lei Xing sat outside until the sky began to darken and then eventually went back to her room and laid on the bed. She stared at the corner where the box of jewelry he sent was kept and then thought of his back view she saw today. He was walking away, and she stood there in the background, unnoticed and unimportant to him.

His hurt expression flashed through her mind and Lei Xing frowned and squeezed her eyes shut, willing her mind to be quiet and empty. She laid there quietly and then heard the door open and her heart jumped but she did not open her eyes, feeling nervous...with reluctant anticipation.

As the footsteps drew closer, Lei Xing realized it was one of the maids, the footsteps were too light. Then she heard someone lightly sigh and then departing footsteps. Lei Xing slightly opened her eyes just to confirm what she already knew and she sighed when she saw Ah Jin's departing back. 

{...He's not coming...}

Lei Xing sighed again and figured that Ah Jin must have come to ask her about dinner, but she was not in the mood to eat. She had barely eaten all day but she was not feeling hungry at all. Lei Xing laid on her back and stared up at the canopy.

{...I'm not waiting... Then what is this?...*sigh* Waiting is annoying...Maybe I should just go? And do what? Say what?... I don't know...*sigh* This is depressing...}

Lei Xing laid there and despite her wishes, she found herself listening intently to the sounds from the outside. She was waiting...and she waited until she slipped into slumber.

The next morning she woke up with a start but found the bed space next to her empty...as it should be. She let out a breath and dragged herself out of bed. She thought she had gone to sleep quite early so she was not sure whether he came and left already. So the whole time as she was getting ready, she kept glancing at Ah Jin and Xiao Ruo. Then she would frown and then look away...Wanting to ask but at the same time not wanting to.

Xiao Ruo was clueless to Lei Xing's internal dilemma and as Lei Xing sat to eat breakfast, she chattered on about the lives of others Lei Xing had no interest in. Lei Xing frowned down at her soup and swirled it around. Then she glanced up at Ah Jin for the nth time that morning and then frowned and looked back down.

Finally, it seemed Ah Jin was fed up and so she cut into Xiao Ruo's ramble and answered Lei Xing's unasked question, "The Emperor spent most of the night in the royal study, he must not have wanted to disturb you and so he returned to his palace to sleep instead."

Lei Xing blinked, nodded and immediately looked down, turning red.

{...Was it that obvious?〃ω〃 )...}

Lei Xing spent another day sat at the pavilion, staring at the most interesting wall in the wall, deep in thought. Today, she had no visitors and was left alone to brood, save for the Ah Jin and Xiao Ruo occasionally coming to ask her a few questions for which she gave absentminded, one-word responses.

She skipped lunch but Li Ru sent her some cakes and she managed to eat a few of those before passing the rest off to the servants and resuming her brooding. And like that, night fell and dinner came, and it was another set of her favorite dishes on the Emperor's orders. Apparently he dropped an entire string of orders. But the food looked and smelled exquisite...and honestly, she was starting to feel hungry now. 

As she stared at the table of food, it finally dawned on her that she had barely eaten anything in the last three days. She frowned and shoved a piece of honey-roasted chicken in her mouth, and then followed up with a spoon full of rice and chewed with a vengeance. Angry with the situation but angrier with herself.

{...Why the hell am I starving myself?... This is frustrating and stupid! If I have a problem, I should just go talk to him...Oh yeah, great idea, what do I say then? Hey, I - I don't even know... Oh, here's one - I don't want kids because it hurts, not an issue with you, just not a fan of pain...And I don't think you're worth the pain...yet or will ever be...Sounds perfectly reasonable...not...He probably wouldn't even believe me...Forget it -_-)'...}

Lei Xing sighed again and angrily shoved another piece of chicken in her mouth. 

{...Hey, bracelet, what do you think about that?... It sounds awful, doesn't it? -_-)...}

No response. Lei Xing pouted, the bracelet had been ignoring her all this time. 

{...Hey...Hey! Are you going to keep ignoring me too?...}

{...*...}

{...- _ -)... Aren't you taking this too personal?... It's my life, not yours -_-)'...}

No response. 

Lei Xing sighed and continued eating. She honestly could not believe herself, she had basically just spent two days zoning out and staring at a stupid wall. She had not even been thinking about anything...most of the time. And honestly, it was draining and stupid and she was tired of it.

The Emperor was obviously a professional at passive-aggressive and Lei Xing was not even a novice. This situation was depressing and driving her crazy. 

Normally she would never bother with people like this and would have completely thrown them out of her mind. But she could not do it this time...She tried, she really tried. But her thoughts kept wandering over to him, replaying the hurt expression he left her with, his departing back, all the time they spent together...It was driving her crazy and depressing her soul. 

She tried not to care. It was normally easy for her to turn off her emotions, but she was having a hard time this time and it honestly scared her. She tried not to care...but she did.

Lei Xing stopped eating and sighed, and started picking at her food again, flicking rice grains randomly, focusing on each grain and sending them off into other plates with a deep level of focus. After flicking a few grains, Lei Xing stopped and frowned down at her bowl of rice. 

{...I'm behaving like a child...He's behaving like a child too! A.d.u.l.ts talk out problems rather than carry out passive-aggressive stunts...Well, I do know of some petty ass people though, so this isn't too bad. Honestly, this isn't even bad at all, Can't exactly complain when someone's being this nice to you. You'll be an as***le to complain...

...*sigh* Okay, so he's not angry - Okay, maybe not too angry...So let's just go...What if he sends me away? Or ignores me to my face?! That would be - No, no that would be great actually. It would DISINTEGRATE every and any atom of feelings I have towards him...So I say it's a good investment...Yes, it is!...}

Lei Xing took a deep breath, dropped her chopsticks and stood up with resolve.

{...I'm going!..}