4 JAIRUS's SOLILOQUY

Either love changes people or it's the guilt !

Jairus says :

I don't know what's happening to me !

I used to spend much time with my friends, used to hangout at various times till late night. But now I'm sleeping before midnight from past these 5 days. I don't know what's happening but I think I'm doing this to avoid my friends actually not them perhaps I'm restraining myself from going to clubs bars & pubs again .

I don't want to do THAT again, what if the next woman would be same__pure !

Then I'll be sinful again and I don't want a double weight on my shoulders.

No matter how much I'm bad or how much I'm a beast in this game.....but deep down I'm a gentleman who can't f*ck a pure girl just to fulfil my desires.

I've been in physical relationships with many women but they're those who threw themselves in front of me.....it was them who wanted this.

I'm a man !

A normal and healthy man & I know I might be playful at that time.....I accepted their offers and did what they want. Perhaps I wanted that too !

I don't know how it started__I just remember that day when.....

When my father was on abroad tour and my stepmother was taking care of me, I was alone in my room drawing and colouring when she came to me and caressed my cheeks. I thought of it as motherly love....

but it wasn't !

I was of 12 at that time, didn't knew what she was doing....she just used to come to me when father wasn't at home she used to  sit besides me....slipping her fingers on my thigh bare in my shorts. Moving her hand in my shirt she used to pinch me at my chest nipple sending strange waves in my body.

I remember I used to sob a lot.....then she did what she shouldn't  !

She took my chastity  !

My mouth was stuffed with a cloth and my body was hot I'd feel her on me.....everything was going blurry when she bit my nipple and gave way to my organ in her body !

I cried....I still remember I cried a lot after that. I used to remain alone__I became quiet. I started hated women. It was when I became heartless,  cold towards others. Why ?

Because when I told my father about this he denied and didn't believed me !

Instead he blamed me that I'd stop watching such filthy movies which are spoiling me !

I remember that lady__ my stepmother started crying upon this....that smitten kitten look of her !

Boiled me to my ears I stomped and left for my room. When my father left with his wife for abroad.  And gave me in care of Ruby__my care taker , my mother and my everything.

He used to come twice in a year and separated me from my younger brother.  He hated me __my father hated me that much. I got isolated from everyone.

After that incident I came across many woman who were same ___they wanted me , they just wanted a night with me.

It was the day I decided to take revenge on every woman.....I toyed with them, started to befriend them, f*ck them.

And then dumped them...

That was the end of my game __always !

But that day at night club.....my life changed again.

Another horrible thing happened. I was spoiled by my stepmother in childhood but that night, a chaste girl was __

destroyed by me !

And I'm feeling guilty.

I'd be....I've went through that stage I can feel her emotions. I don't know how it happened but it's done now and I can't change it.

I'm feeling sorry for her. Every day,  every moment her face__that night.

Oh I can't get rid of those memories !

I changed, why ?

I don't have any answer of that. My friends asked me out but I refused. They came to fetch me for night clubs I refused. I was changing and they're feeling this change but didn't asked anything.

Every time I see any nightclub on my way back to home my mind clicks on that night, that girl. My hands begin to tremble , sweat pops out from my body.

My latest prey__Genevieve came twice in these 5 days. She wanted me to fulfil her lust. She was a complete sexy girl, a cunning Fox indeed. But I resisted her, refused and scolded her. She left__doing breakup.

I don't know why I did that, after all she was a wealthy prey for me.

But whenever I see her I remember that girl. Somehow my guilt was overcoming me and I was changing.

I'm cold, heartless in the eyes of others. It's because I just don't want anyone to find my weakness. Once I was weak perhaps I'm still.....but I don't want anyone to find out that.

I'm a bad boy and I'll carry this mask with me.

I'm afraid.....afraid of many things. I told Ruby to replace those jasmine flowers because it reminded me of that girl's scent. I told her not to use white bed sheets, I replaced my room's golden lights with white. I felt fear,  I'm feeling fear.....the girl !

Oh I'm feeling myself at that point again when I went through all this.

What if the girl remembers my face,  she'll come for me, should I accept her ?

What if she don't have any glimpse of  me , should I try to find her ?

I spend these 5 days in this confusion,  questioning myself.

I became aggressive towards my employees, this whole thing was frustrating actually I was unable to analyse what was happening that's why I scolded my every employee even I fired my secretary upon breaking my coffee cup !