CH 167

“That’s enough. I don’t want to talk to someone who insists on staying angry.”

“How ridiculous! This anger of mine is nothing more than a tiny spark. It’s a match destined to die out by being trampled under a shoe!”

“…”

‘As Ed said, if I were a real farmer…’

“…Someone like me will definitely be born after I die!..”

‘…if I can really sow seeds…’

“…”

“This Empire will conceive, give birth, and nurture more and more hatred. Children who crawl out of wombs without knowing anything will be angry beyond comparison to me. They’ll find their comrades and grow in strength.”

“They hold no power. How do you expect those people to move history? They’ll be swept away by the years and eventually live their lives quietly. People have lived thousands of years without that kind of purpose or will. Only a few leaders can do their part in life that can lead the times with them.”

“Don’t get it wrong. Everyone can do their part. It’s just that I’ve lived without knowing it, but actually, everyone is given the same amount of power as everybody else without lacking in anything. When they all realise that themselves, do you think the authorities can handle it?”

“Even if so, they’re mostly just commoners.”

“If you want the Empire to last, you have to acknowledge it. Fear it.”

“What do you mean? Fear what? Their anger and awareness?”

‘Ed told me that a farmer doesn’t need to mourn over what hasn’t sprouted. Their mission will be passed on to future generations, and young farmers in the new world will treasure their seeds. Valuable fruits will be borne and splendid flowers will bloom eventually.’ 

Lil affirmed, imagining a future in full bloom.

“You should fear that the angriest of them all may not have been born yet.”

“Liloa. I can’t follow your ideals at all…”

“The world changes. I deeply believe in that. And I won’t ever give this up no matter how much you dismiss it as nonsense. It’s simply the kind of person I am.”

Lil gradually calmed down. Thinking about that future made her feel relieved. However, that relief wasn’t caused by her pouring out her anger. Rather, she wanted to go back to the moment before she said anything about it. She felt it would’ve been better if she had simply said that she would go her own way, but for some reason, she wanted to feel a little bit of understanding from him. Right from the start, she knew that Cesar would only look at it like one of her outbursts anyway, but still, she gave in to her impulse. Hoping that she would truly break free from Cesar’s grasp. 

“So, you want me to give analytical meaning to all reality and explore why? This is tiring. Loving you is so hard and difficult.”

“You once told me. You think it’s difficult because it’s unknown to you.”

“…”

It was cruel to twist it like this, but it was inevitable.

“But you know what, you’re not the only one who doesn’t know. Me too. I don’t know and can’t understand it whenever I see you talking about building a happy family. It’s like seeing a person who is happy with a bunch of piled-up rocks. I’m glad that it makes you happy, but I don’t know why you’re particularly happy about it. I can’t understand the kind of happiness you’re talking about because I don’t know how happy I will be if I have to let go of my dreams and become your wife.”

“You’re talking about this grand future, but does that automatically make me ridiculous for simply dreaming of having a family? Now I’m ashamed of how I dared to ask you for a child. You who’s dreaming of such a big continental plan… How dare you tell me that mine is insignificant!”

As Cesar raised his voice, the pillar where they were tied to shook. Lil felt his soaring body temperature and his rising and falling shoulders behind her back.

“You don’t have to get mad. Don’t you understand it? Isn’t it the same for you? Don’t you look at me and see some crazy woman hugging a rock while saying she won’t give it up no matter what? Hearing her say that it doesn’t matter if it would cost her her life. That it doesn’t matter if she dies, as long as nothing happens to her rock. Doesn’t that sound insane?”

“You don’t have to speak so cruelly. Are you dismissing my feelings?”

“I’m not dismissing anything. I’m just sad. I want to see you happy, but your happiness isn’t the same as mine.”

“…”

‘There’s no reason to remain a couple when we can’t see each other’s brilliance… All these years, we were just drowning in the depths of ignorance, longing for understanding.’

After meeting Ed, Lil, for the first time in her life, knew how brilliant she was. 

‘I’m finally convinced that the things I so desperately hold on to aren’t stones, but seeds. I still remember how happy and overwhelmed I was. Back then, my first thought was to let Cesar know, letting him see how amazingly beautiful it was… But now, I can only feel sorry for Cesar, who was dragged by this strange woman and had to degrade himself… He’s just not that kind of person. When I think of his true self, those dazzling lights of the chandeliers of Sesbron come to mind…’

Lil could only hope that Cesar would accept the fact she wasn’t the one who could acknowledge his brilliance.

“…I’m not going to the Principality of Loti.”

“What is that…”

“This ship is bound to go to Serlio anyway. I’m sorry. You’ll be the only one who gets off there.”

“What… do you mean?”

“I can’t possibly make you happy.”

Cesar answered as if he’d lose his breath at any moment.

“Why…”

“…”

“Why on earth…”

“We’re different. It’s insurmountable.”

A watery voice shouted.

“Please! Stop saying we’re different!”

“We’re vastly different, and our likeness is too little… I can’t go with you…”

“So, after everything, this is it? Were you waiting for an opportunity like this? Have you always believed it wouldn’t work out and that it would end on day? Did you decide to quit, now that I wanted for us to leave this life?”

“No! I imagined a future with you too! That I would join you in the Principality the moment I was ready, and that living like that would be rewarding in its own way!”

“Then why can’t you get over it? I don’t know why you’re saying that we should stop here. You talk like it’s such a big deal if we’re different from each other.”

“I told you. You won’t be happy… I will never see your light.”

“How many couples do you think share the same thoughts? Having grown up in their own environment for over 20 years, they would inevitably have different values. But if there’s acknowledgement and respect, will it even be desirable to persuade, appease and force the other party to share the same values?”

“You’re the one trying to persuade and appease values! You’re the one who’s forcing the thought that if you’re born a woman, you should feel happy in starting a family!”

“I swear I never forced you! I don’t understand why you think that beliefs are such a hindrance to love.”

“…”

“Have I ever cursed at you or told you the Bell Rock was a mistake? Have I ever stopped you from rescuing slaves? Or are you dissatisfied that I’m not motivated like you? Did you think that I would become the same?”

“…”

Cesar moved his body in an attempt to loosen the cumbersome rope. He twisted his shoulder fiercely as if trying to sever his wrist.

“And how do you think this persuasion is happening in the first place? Persuasion presupposes disagreement. You’re dissatisfied and so am I! I want to keep my place as much as you want to keep yours, and I don’t want to be dragged as much as you want to pull me with you!”

“And that’s exactly why you’re going to the Principality and I’m going back to Panichi!”

Frustrated, Lil regretted she dropped those shards as she violently twisted her wrist. The rope was already half broken, so she could be freed with just a little more strength. In her imagination, she had already thrown off all the ropes and ran somewhere.

“Equality! God damn it… I know… I know it’s the right thing to strive for.”

“Yeah, equality, that great word. But for you, it’s a mere ideal. To you it doesn’t matter if it comes true or not, because it won’t affect you anyway, right?” 

“I won’t deny that I’m only contemplative of the ideology.”

“It’s not the same for me. It’s an ideal that I would sacrifice my life to if that means it might come true… Do you really want me to adapt to this world? Just live like this and die? Isn’t it a waste of my eyes, my mouth, and my hands to live like that? It’s a complete waste. It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I’m going insane. I want to speak up so badly, I want to shout that the world is terrible and that every moment feels like hell!”

“There’s no reason for you, who is already free, to yearn for freedom and cry for equality. Did I say you should stay at home? You are obsessed with the thought of being victimised.”

“I can go outside the house because you allow it, but I can’t do other things because you don’t allow it, right?”

“Liloa, please. Do you really want to advent national equality? How can I understand such an ideal that can merely be seen hanging from the horizon?”

Lil tossed her fully unravelled rope into the wall. She felt pain for a moment and shrugged her shoulders. Her palms were tattered by glass shards and her wrists were covered with red marks.

“If you don’t understand, then stop. Stop questioning it!”