CH 166

“…Do not be mistaken. I came to see you today to tell you that you cannot have just anyone’s flesh anymore…”

‘…’

“…No answer? I guess I will just rip it off his body then…”

‘No. Definitely not Cesar’s. Don’t you dare rip it off. Even if Cesar offered to take it off himself, I won’t let you have it. No, I won’t even give you a chance to take it off.’

Lil had always been unsure of what was best for Cesar and herself. But now, she realised that this place was no longer their home. They had to get out. Perhaps Cesar would insist on staying inside the castle, however, Lil had decided. She would hold his hand and run away.

A giggle pierced the darkness.

“…Do you think he wants that?…”

‘I don’t care anymore! It’s what I’ve decided!’

Away from the castle, her bare feet stepped on the grass. The blades of grass lying in the wind and tickling the soles of her feet startled her. A world of bluish-green crunched between her fidgeting toes. Not used to looking directly into light, her sour and cold eyes were eventually directed to the sky. The sunlight illuminating the fields didn’t allow for darkness. The scenery looked like the decor of a big stage, with the spotlight turned on them, making her feel like she could run everywhere. 

The wind blew fervently. The wind, her old friend, seemed to cheer for her return. 

Like that, she looked up at Cesar, someone who might be hesitating.

She completely understood his hesitation. 

‘I know how it feels to hesitate due to lingering feelings. But he’s a human being who shines in a different way than me. Just as my light is meaningless in front of him, I also can’t see the purpose of his. And together we lost sight of each other’s light and sank into darkness… But even despite that, I always thought we would be happy if we shared everything in the dark against the beauty of the world.

But Cesar thrives in a world where he is the main subject. That’s also the way he should have lived. I’m just sorry I realised it too late. This life already left a scar that I can’t hope to heal in this lifetime, it’s just something I can’t do. I always thought I was capable of it, but in the end, I have been killing him, him of all people. 

Now I know I can’t fill his holes. Wounds that can only be healed with light. I simply can’t be that person because I don’t understand his light…’

As Lil stared at the presence in the invisible darkness, Mortu’s laughter slowly died down. No, she was unsure if Mortu was really disappearing or if reality was coming back to her.

Cesar called her in a low voice.

“Liloa…”

Lil opened her eyes and completely broke from her delusion.

“You won’t change, Cesar. You won’t ever call Philly pretty. What saddens me the most and what upsets me the most is that even though you love me so much, you don’t even have the will to take a closer look at Philly, whom I value more than anything…”

“That’s nonsense. You just said that you’re upset, but aren’t you the one who’s always angry at me? Sometimes, or in some ways, it really feels that way…”

Cesar was still of the opinion that Lil should deny her anger. It made her patience explode. Her whole body burned as if it were about to go up in flames. She knew that Cesar treated her better than anyone else. However, Lil never felt grateful for any of that. To her, it was highly questionable if his treatment could even be considered as ‘good’. He treated her like a glass doll that would shatter when touched, which convinced him that he must protect her at all times. However, such behaviour only reminded Lil of the fact that she wouldn’t be able to survive on her own. 

Cesar’s ways continued even when Lil rejected him, and he never gave up on what he thought was right. Just like Lil.

“Yes. I’m angry. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Why are you acting like this all of a sudden?”

“Why can’t you take it for granted that not only slaves but also I can be angry? Because I’m merely your property? Because I was made for you and your children? Because I’m an imperfect human being who can’t do anything except for standing by your side and feel lucky enough to be loved by you?”

“You know what, whenever you do this, I feel offended. You’re putting words in my mouth. I never thought of you that way. You can do so much, and I believe you have such power.”

“If that were true, why do you think I can’t live without you?!”

“Liloa. I’m sorry to say this, but in reality, the world is a dangerous place for women to live alone.”

“In a civilised society, are rankings still based on physical strength or skills? Is the person who can carry the heaviest rock also the one to climb the throne? As you said, if the Empire is such a proud civilised society, then those who are thinking about doing something to me must be seen as barbaric. If the Northern Island tribe of the Western Continent is still considered as savage for worshipping power, why is our great civilization not ashamed of the same thing? Civilization needs to step up and get rid of barbarism. Why should I carry the burden of saving myself? The era of brute strength passed the Central Continent, and the Empire now defends its bloodline and gold. Yet, still only putting the weak into this physical logic is a malicious and crude tactic…”

“…”

The things Lil had been suppressing and enduring until now came pouring out like vomit. She fired her words without giving Cesar a chance to intervene.

“I’m so sorry for needing your permission to go somewhere I might or might not get beaten or raped, whether it’s dangerous here or safe there, I’ll decline. I’ll go the way I want to go. I won’t lose Philly anymore.”

“Stop talking about such horrible things. How can you talk about those ideals when you know the reality of it? Only a few people live by the perfect ideals you’re mentioning. Accepting the goodwill and protection of others is also a form of courage. Of course, I know your pride. I know how noble your blood is. I also know how great your contribution was at Pontenbach. I have never denied your excellence, rather I respected and admired it.”

“That’s hypocrisy. This can’t be fixed by merely wrapping everything up with words of recognition… After all, you still think of me as an immature child, one that needs to be taken care of and pampered. All the while you whisper to me that I’m a queen. Your goodwill and protection are things that make me feel so flawed… Of course, no human being is perfect, but someone like you, who says that no one is perfect, does not even seek my protection. In your head, only you’re the perfect one and only I’m the flawed one. So you never once, even when you fell down, took my outstretched hand. Why?! Why is that?”

“…”

“…If I tell you that I want to be the Admiral. You’ll be the first to say; ‘Yes, you can’. However, you’ll also immediately add that ‘it’s impossible in reality’. Have you ever thought deeply about why it’s ‘realistically impossible’? If you think about it, can you still say that? It’s impossible to make this a reality because there are too many people who think like you!”

“Hear me out, please. It’s frustrating whenever you’re like this. Why don’t you calm down first? Anger is just an outburst of temporary emotions. Don’t you realise that arguing in such a heated state is exhausting? There’s no reason for us to be doing this.”

“Don’t talk about reason in front of me when I witnessed your anger countless times. When you’re angry, there’s always a stern and valid reason, but if I’m angry, it’s because of my irrational temperament. I’m so tired of hearing that from you.”

“Liloa, you shouldn’t speak so recklessly. If you think I’m biassed, please calm down and point it out. Then I’ll look back on my past behaviour.”

“How long have I remained calm and how long have I tried to talk to you? But when I did, you never listened. Nevertheless, you still tell me to calm down? I’m done with that. If I calm down, the world won’t change. If you, the one person who cares for and loves me, don’t change. Why would the world listen to my whispers?”

“…”

Cesar’s irritated sigh could be heard. His patience, like Lil’s, had reached its limit. But this time, she didn’t care as she still had something left to say.

“Rage changes the world.”