Chapter 174 - Why Were You Afraid?

||Innaya||

"Breathe." Eshan's voice had me open my eyes.

Just when I was thinking about everything was over, Eshan returned to his original caring self. I noticed his movement had long ago stopped, and now I found myself in his arms. My heart settled once I realized Eshan wasn't going to do anything. I could finally breathe freely.

I had lost my defenses when I thought things were going to spiral out of the control. That one moment of anxiety was enough for my fears to raise their ugly head. They made their presence known by bringing numerous worries, self-conflict, and doubts to my heart.

But, in the last moment, everything came to stand still as if it never happened. My husband was apologizing.

Could I blame him? No. It was normal for men to expect certain things from their better halves. Everyone had their needs. Since I married him, never he tried to force me into consummating our marriage. Never did his approach made me feel he wanted that intimacy from me.

However, how could I not know? I wasn't a child to not know what transpires between couples. I might not know the graphic details, but I knew enough. I wondered how he held back himself for so long. I would admit to being afraid. I confessed the same when he said sorry.

I myself did not know what I was afraid of. But, in that one moment when I felt towel slipping away, I panicked. When I told him last week that he could see me without my clothes because he had that right, I didn't realize that I wasn't ready.

But, now as I stood leaning against him, where his heartbeat erratically, and my mind was calming down. I could think clearly. The hesitancy in his body language was also pretty apparent as he repeatedly pushed me away, making an excuse for asking me to get ready.

He was holding himself back.

I could feel it.

Was he angry?

It seemed like, my withdrawal resulted in him being angry. It was understandable. Last time also I had pushed him away, biting on his lip. This time, my body went in almost lockdown dampening his desires.

Could I help it? No. I wasn't doing it deliberately.

It was my involuntary reaction. How do I put it in words? I did not have any idea.

When he repeatedly chased me away, I could not help but feel sorrowful.

"You're angry, right? That's why you want to chase me away," I said tearfully. My eyes were already wet with tears. I had no idea why were my emotions so fluctuating.

It was not that Eshan was any stranger. He was my husband- the man whom I loved after knowing him. It was not- love at first sight. I fell for him after spending time with him. I fell for him after knowing him personally, emotionally and intimately. Our intimacy wasn't limited to the physical one. Then, why was this last-minute barrier on my mind? I failed to understand.

Eshan's constant rushing was also caused me to feel wronged.

He was misunderstanding me again. Was my action reminded him again of those words I had spoken to him in that farmhouse?

Tears gushed out of my eyes. I was angry at myself.

My past was not letting me live my present. Being on constant guard was only harming me. I had hurt him then, I was hurting him now as well. Why my insecurities were driving me crazy, to act and speak this way?

I bit my lip, trying to suppress my sobs.

Eshan would only find me repulsive if I continued being so weak-willed and cry-baby. Wouldn't he feel that he brought the child back home after marriage instead of a wife? Thinking about it made me want to cry harder.

I left his shirt from my fist, even when I wanted to hold onto him. Before I could move away, I heard Eshan's sigh, and then all I knew was Eshan bending down and scooping me up in his arms. Carrying me to the bed, he placed me on the mattress.

He covered me with the duvet first before he climbed into the bed. It was that moment when I realized that he was in his office clothes. His shirt was given to me, and now he only had a white vest on his upper body along with his black pants.

My teary eyes followed his every single movement. I searched his face for signs of anger, disgust or anything.

However, his face was blank. Apart from the moist and slightly red lips, there were no signs of the recent happenings on his face. I buried myself under the duvet, bringing my knees to my chest underneath. Only my eyes were uncovered allowing me to see, the rest of my body was safely hidden under the duvet. I shifted a little uncomfortably. He hadn't answered my question.

Was he that angry? Did he not wish to answer?

"Have I ever been angry at you?" Eshan stretched his long legs on the bed and pulled a duvet to cover his lower half. He leaned against the headboard, quietly watching me. His body was stiff and he had a serious expression on his face.

I pondered, refreshing my memory to find any event where he had gotten angry on me. However, I recalled none. From the day, we got married, there was not even a single day when he got angry at me or yelled at me.

Even on that worst day of our life, he was disappointed, hurt, but never angry.

I shook my head.

"Do I have a reason to get angry?" He asked another question when he received the answer to his first one.

I found it difficult to answer this question. From my perspective, he had one. I nodded timidly. The serious face of his was reminding me of one of my lecturers in my college. The sternness was causing my heart to tremble.

"What reason?" He fired another question.

This time, instead of answering him, I looked at his eyes directly. What was he trying to achieve by asking these questions one after another? Then I recalled, him asking similar kinds of questions previously as well. At that time, they were about the attraction between husband and wife. This time I did not understand the reason behind it.

"I…I…" I stuttered, not knowing what to answer him. How could I say that I didn't let him proceed?

"Speak properly."

I wanted to cry under the intense gaze of his. What did he want to hear from me? Didn't he know everything?

"What do you want me to say? You are aware of everything?" I snapped. My embarrassment resulted in anger. His roundabout manner was making me forget about my discomfort. I had very less patience when it came to deal with the people who instead of the main point talked about random unnecessary things.

"Why were you afraid?" Eshan did not answer my question. Instead, he changed the way of his interrogation.

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