Chapter 173 - You want to chase me away

|Eshan|

Do people ever have that feeling like banging their head or beating the hell out of themselves? Maybe, yes. They might not realize how absurdly ridiculous their actions are. When the realization is dawn on them, they might feel it. I had that urge too.

When my self-control had snapped and gave in my desires, I did not think about the repercussions of my actions. I did not think if Innaya was ready for it or not. I did not ask for her permission. I did not care if she was startled or not. I did not care if she wished to get intimate with me. Without caring about her mind-set I was almost imposing myself upon her. I did not think if my appearance startled her or not.

I was getting too carried away. The moment a drop of water fell on my arm, the desire clouding my head instantly cooled down. It was as if someone ducked my head inside the cold water, submerging my head. My lips left hers and what I found immediately made me want to disappear into nothingness.

How could I do this to her?

Innaya's eyes were tightly closed. Her face had gone completely white because of the lack of oxygen. Did she not breathe? Her struggle was written on her face. With her both the hands held above her head in my tight grasp, fingers of my left hand digging in her shoulder blades, and my knees brushing against her, she looked so vulnerable. Her condition was that of the drowned cat which was pulled out of water- scared, fearful, and wary. 

The knot of the towel was loosening and I could see it was barely hanging. Just a slight movement and the piece of cloth covering her dignity would fall. I left her wrist, bringing them back to her side. Without a second thought, I unbuttoned my white shirt and wrapped it around her. 

Her single teardrop was enough to extinguish the fire burning in my heart. It instantly put away the flames of desire, leaving away the heavy black smoke of guilt.

She shivered, and I had no idea why. Did I frighten her? It could be the reason. The shame of my hasty and imposing actions was washing over me, making it hard for me to breathe.

I watched her with weary eyes. Why did I lose control?

I could walk away, leaving her alone. Or I could stand and console her, apologizing for my abrupt advances. 

I choose the latter. I couldn't bear to leave her alone when she looked so lonely.

My hands shook a little when I made the decision. I pulled her in my arms, silently holding her small figure in my embrace. 

"Breathe," I said while rubbing her head. Her bun had at some point come undone. Her hair covered her back. I dared not to make direct skin contact with her, after what just happened. 

Innaya seemed to have heard me for she released a shaky breath. I could feel the slight trembling in her body. 

"I'm sorry. I… I shouldn't have done that." I felt hard to say anything when my throat was clogging up. I didn't know what to say.

I was at fault here.

Innaya remained silent only taking deep breaths. I didn't understand what was going inside her head. Was she blaming me? If not for that single tear of hers, would I have gone ahead? Would I have removed the barrier between us, making her mine in all senses?

I had no answer to that. Perhaps, I would have. At that moment, I had lost control, watching her in nothing but that towel. I had no excuses for it.

I was, in the end, a man who loved his wife. Desiring my wife in that sense was only natural for me. I went wrong at the point of failing to understand my wife's state of mind. I failed to ask her if she wanted it. 

I continued to hold her. Every shuddering breath leaving her body hit me directly in my guts. How could I be so careless? She already had her issues which were difficult to deal with. It was not easy for her to trust me.

Why was I hell-bent on destroying her trust? Those who suffered from mental health problems had many other problems as well. The constant fear of something going wrong would be there in the back of their minds. 

Those people would blame themselves for things going wrong. The direction their thoughts would take was extremely hard to predict.

Similarly, I could not determine what Innaya was feeling, thinking or assuming at the moment. I wanted her to talk and tell me. If she wanted to curse me, hit me, then that was okay as well. I didn't want her to keep things bottled up.

After what felt like an eternity, I felt her lips moving against my shirt. I then heard her low voice, "I'm sorry… I was afraid."

My hand on her hair trembled a little. Quietly, I dared not to move. Her admittance to being afraid was like a slap to my face. With me, she felt afraid. Was there more to her past, she did not mention to date?

"It was my fault. Blame me for losing control. I won't do anything. Don't be afraid," I replied after a while when she did not say anything.

"Go, get dressed. I'll wait outside."

I reluctantly was pulling away. 

"Do you blame me?" Her small fist tugged at my shirt, refusing to pull away. She instead held onto me. Her little action and her words were the opposite. Both of which I had not expected. 

"Huh? What are you saying? No, Tesoro. I'm not blaming you. I should be the one to be blamed." 

"What wife's don't let her husband have his— after so many months of marriage? You must be blaming me… but you said you don't. Why don't you blame me?" I heard her shaking voice. 

'Ah…my naive wife!' I could not help but smile a little when I recalled how inexperienced my wife was in matters of physical intimacy. The memories of that morning when she curiously explored my face resurfaced in my mind.

That morning just by exploring my face, she had turned into a little squirrel trying to avoid me. It had taken some explanation for her to let go of that tiny guilt arising in my mind. I knew how inexperienced she was when we shared our second kiss because the first one was a peck and she was the one to do it.

"Okay, we'll talk about it later. Get dressed first. Okay?" I patted her head. We could've had the conversation now, but holding her when she was only in her towel, was getting a bit difficult for my body. The early temptation had resulted in some changes, and I did not want her to find it now. Though it had calmed down to a certain extent after what followed, I did not want to risk it with her. 

"You're angry, right? That's why you want to chase me away."