Chapter 114 - I Was Eight When... (3)

|Innaya|

At first, Eshan held me silently as he rubbed my back. Locked in his arms, I slowly composed myself. My sobs turned to hiccups as I tried to shove away those words. Eshan sighed above my head. His hands held my hands on my ears and he removed them.

Eshan tipped my head back until I was looking into his eyes through my glossy vision. He wiped my tears and pressed his lips on my eyes one by one, his hand cupping my face as he shook his head in negative.

"Don't beat yourself over it. You don't have to relive those memories if they are hurting you so much. I know you need to get it out of your system but promise me, you won't blame yourself for anything."

I could not help but just stare at his face, absorbing his every word. The pain in his eyes was unmistakable along with pure selfless love and adoration. Until now, he had not uttered a word giving me free reigns to continue without any interruption. He broke his silence when he saw how it was affecting me, how recalling that phase pained me.

"You are not at fault and do not degrade or judge yourself through his eyes." However, the anger swirling in his eyes, as he said those words were quite palpable, and if I was not wrong, he was itching to take it out on the person responsible for everything if possible. 

"One day I was hungry, so I entered the kitchen and took food when I wasn't supposed to. I was to be in my room, but I was starving. She had a golden retriever and to teach me the lesson for disobedience she thought letting her dog attack me would be good... That's why I have a fear of dogs..." I confessed the whole truth behind my cynophobia that he had so badly wanted to know when I had suffered the panic attack after we arrived in Mumbai.

At that time I had avoided stating the whole truth for the bond between us had not developed to that level. It had been barely a month, so how could I open my heart to him? I had not, and at that moment he thought I did not trust him. It was never about trust. It had more to do with my own fears and insecurities. Today, I could explain to him everything because so much has changed between us. 

"Stop Innaya. It's enough for today," Eshan's voice broke me out of the memory of that day. I even forgot to wipe my cheeks anymore. There were going to get drenched again as there was a lot to tell him, and I for sure knew that it was not possible without tears falling from my eyes.

I lifted my eyes to see Eshan's widened eyes. I could see the tears gathering in his eyes. Through his eyes, he pleaded me to stop. However, I could not.

"No, please." I shook my head. I knew if I stopped now I would not be able to share it in the near future. It had taken me so many months to prepare myself for this day. "Hear me out. I don't want to recall it again," I whispered, and I rushed to the last but worst memory of him- that man who ruined my life.

Eshan kept rubbing my back. I hugged him. Breathing deeply in the woodsy smell of his perfume forcing myself not to dwell longer in that memory, and resumed from where I left. "It was one week before my ninth birthday... He attacked me... his own daughter... he wanted me dead... He had hurled me against the wall and few bare nails scraped my back... One, in particular, had cut through my right shoulder to half of my back. It needed stitches... He strangled me saying he was finally happy getting rid of me. I was the unwanted child and burden on him. I was the murderer..." I finally bared the skeletons of my past. I sobbed as I finally found the heavyweight lifting off my chest.

Eshan stiffened and his heart was racing under my ear.

That night still sent shudders through my spine. That night many fears had taken birth within me and over the years they only got stronger, leaving behind an only empty shell of me. It was the main reason that I hated going to the hospitals. The week-long stay in the hospital had left me terrorized because of the pain and mental trauma of my father's deeds. I could not forget it no matter what.  

The doctor had warned me not to think of that night for my own sanity, and if I wanted to talk about it then I should never let my emotions trap me at that time. This was also the reason that other memories surfaced more and pained me. I had blurred remembrance of that evening. Over the period, I was under treatment the doctor had made sure that I came out of that trauma. It had not exactly happened but I had learned to cope up with it. My fears and I had learned to coexist.

I cried for that nine-year-old self of me who suffered without any fault of hers.

I cried for the time I spent fearing for them to return in my life.

I cried for all the sleepless nights because of the nightmares of that year.

I cried for all the time Grandpa held me and comforted me and I could no longer have his safe embrace again.

I cried for my fate.

I cried until there were no more tears to shed.

I cried till there was nothing but emptiness in me.

The water drops fell on my hands which were placed in my lap as Eshan held me to himself.

'Is it raining?' I frowned.

I raised my head and gasped as I found the familiar honey brown eyes filled with angry tears. 

He was crying. 

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