Chapter 70 - Eshan's Innaya

| Innaya |

Not too often in life, one encounters incidents that leave one debating, if to brighten up, feel remorseful or grieve on the same. I felt awful to admit that I encountered the very same incident.

I was remorseful for I had made the man feel worst who had always, always stood by my side, always lifted my fallen figure, always held me firmly whenever my inner demons tried to pull me to the world of darkness, always stayed patient and loving despite I being ridiculously reticent about myself.

I was grieving over the loss of what Eshan and I had. It was truly something else. Something so precious that losing the sense of him being with me had me lose every bit of my sanity.

A piece of my soul wanted to brighten up on the realization that I was yet to lose him. I still had a chance. We still had a chance. Our relationship still had a chance. Perhaps, he would never trust me again, but the mere thought of having the 0.0001 chance that we could get back together left me with a small, faint smile.

It had been a couple of minutes since I stepped outside the house, closing the door behind me. Though Eshan hadn't explicitly asked me to move out, the vibe had reached to me that he wanted me to leave.

I gave up. I tried my best to convince Eshan about my feelings. Well, if he refused to believe in my words then I must step back. Forcing him to understand my feelings was very cruel. But, that didn't mean I was giving up on our relationship. 

Stepping back according to the situation was sometimes a better choice. I was just going to do that. I would step back for now and then would try again later. 

I didn't wish to leave. I didn't wish to but I couldn't invade his personal space, not when he was already so bothered. Unwillingly, I had come out after asking him to take care of himself which I knew he would not.

I wished to stay by his side and tend to his every need.

I wished to sit with him and hear all that he had got to say... all that he had locked inside his heart.

I wished to stand there and watch him sleep - peacefully.

I wished to just stay there and let him know that, I was his. I wanted to be his, and no matter what happened, I would be his - always and forever. 

His Innaya.

But, I could do none of that. None of that. It took me a long time to realize what he actually meant to me, and to what extent he affected me.

It took me long to trust him.

And, when I did - he stopped trusting me.

How awful the entire scenario was!

I knew I was supposed to leave the place alone, leave him alone, and even though it broke my heart even at that mere thought, I knew I had to do that.

'You must leave, Innaya.'

'You must leave.'

I couldn't be lingering around anymore, I commanded myself as I watched Arjun walking towards me.

His eyes held a sympathetic look in them. Perhaps, he read the agony in my eyes.

Wordlessly, I walked past him to his car parked out there and sat inside, not giving him the chance for confronting me. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do that.

Arjun, as if understanding my silent emotions, came back and drove us home without putting me in the difficult spot that I was avoiding.

I was about to step out when we reached when his tender call for me held me back. "Innaya."

"I am fine, Arjun." Again, I did not even let him finish. I turned to him, and forced a smile, chanting the same again. "I am fine. I really am."

I was foolishly going to repeat it a couple of times more to make him believe, but his stare shut me up and my eyes were again wet for I knew Arjun knew.

I hated my tears. I hated myself. I did not consider it an embarrassment to cry in front of people. I just felt sick for dragging Arjun in my issues, my fears, my insecurities, and the entire fiasco that happened due to them. My tears hurt him, and that hurt me even more.

"I believe it's going to be okay, Innaya. I believe you two will be back together exactly the way you were." Arjun dropped his handkerchief in my lap, and he took off the car keys.

My eyes lit up at his words. "You do?" I asked out of pure desperation. The desperation of the assurance that Eshan and I had a chance.

Arjun nodded. "I do. Now, you go and take some rest. This has been an emotionally exhausting day for you. I am going out of town for there is some unavoidable work. I have arranged everything here. 

All the vegetables and fruits are in the fridge. Cook for yourself and eat because the maid isn't coming today. I have ordered a meal from outside, but I know you don't like it. Suit yourself. Bye."

The piece of information Arjun fed me did make me a little upset, but I was in control of emotions. I had decided to stop playing the victim card and to take responsibility for everything I had done, and everything that had happened because of me.

I, no longer, was going to trouble people the way I did in the past two months.

I, no longer, was going to invest time in blaming myself.

I, no longer, was going to sit and spend hours, wishing it had not 

happened what had happened.

I, no longer, was going to do any of that.

I had enough of myself, and more than that, people had enough of me.

I had a past. A brutal one. A sickening past that would shatter anyone the way it has shattered me, but I, no longer, was going to allow it to affect the people I loved and the people who loved me.

Eshan had spent days and nights to stabilize me, to get me out of my darkness, and to see the light. I wasn't going to let it all waste.

I was going to transform myself, into a better person.

I was going to transform myself into a version of mine that I never thought was practical and possible.

I was going to do what I had believed all along that I could never do.

For Eshan.

For him.

For me.

For us.

I was going to transform myself and become the one he deserved.

Eshan's Innaya!