Chapter 75: Battle Etiquette

Chapter 75: Battle Etiquette

“WAIT!” Perry shouted, holding out his hand. To his surprise and that of everyone else in the plaza, the rider did.

“This umm, this is Earth. You can’t just attack someone out of the blue. You have to have a monologue about why you’re doing it first.”

“It’s tradition,” Heather said, picking up the slack while Natalie fished around in her purse.

“I’ve been on Earth for three decades and haven’t heard of anything like that.” the rider said.

“You haven’t watched the news?”

The rider hesitated, glancing to the side as he undoubtedly mentally reviewed tons of news clips of villains monologuing.

“My name is John Gabras, prince of the Nocul. Your grandmother led the push to abandon Manita, took our people’s power to fuel her escape, and did not create a portal in our capital as per the agreement, leaving my people to collapse and die from the unending assault of monstrous wildlife...There. You’re all caught up.”

“Wow, that sounds like Gramma all right.”

The monologue was barely long enough for Perry to come up with something.

RRRRR

John’s motorcycle revved and lunged forward, squealing against the smooth plaza floor.

Perry reached out and grabbed a can of hairspray and an electric lighter straight out of the ether.This chapter's initial release occurred on the n0vell--Bjjn site.

Sliding Stats.

Stability 9 -> 5

Nerve 7 à 3

Attunement 22 -> 30

FWOOOSH.

A blast of flame shot out of the can like a living thing, slamming into the rider’s chest and knocking him off his horse-cycle.

The recoil alone nearly kicked the can of hairspray out of Perry’s hand.

Perry reflexively adjusted his Attunement back down to 22 as he glanced around the room, spotting no less than a dozen riders approaching them from all sides, their sabers glinting in the fluorescent lights.

“Bathroom?” Perry asked, nodding toward the door leading off to the side.

“There’s worse places to get trapped, I guess,” Heather said, picking up Nat and running as the tiny tinker pulled on a pair of suspicious gloves that went up to her shoulders.

“Wazzat?” Perry asked over the roaring of motors as they sprinted.

“Insurance! I hate being a damsel!”

Yeah, that would bother me too, Perry thought as they made it to the tiled doorway with a stick figure woman over it.

Sliding Stats

Stability 9->5

Body 5->9

Perry slid to a halt outside the bathroom and braced himself.

Perry caught a wild sword swing with his left hand and shoved the grunt off his motorcycle with the other, yanking the saber straight out of his grip by the blade.

HP:5

The smoking leader climbed to his feet, and Perry gave him a flourishing Manitian bow.

Sliding stats.

Perry pulled his attunement back up to unhealthy levels and smashed the back of the saber against the wall, denting it.

As if it had always been there, a sheathe of rust fell away from the blade, revealing a shining sliver of immaculate steel a hair’s breadth wide and sharper than a razor.

John cocked a brow as his horsecycle stood itself back up, then launched a lance of green fire from his fingertips, forcing Perry to haul ass into the women’s restroom, his neck stinging from the near-miss.

“I got a sword!” Perry said, brandishing his new saber.

“That’s nice, sweety,” Heather said from where she was climbing on top of a toilet in the middle of the bathroom stall oddly missing a door.

“I’m ready,” The walking pile of scrap metal in the middle of the room said.

Perry frowned and glanced around the ovoid ball of compacted bathroom doors, hinges, and faucets.

Natalie was in the center, with a compacted shield of scrap iron hovering above one glove, while a massive sword hovered beside her right hand, duplicating her movements.

“Neat,” Perry said, pulling out a spray can of lubricant and frosting the hallway behind them before tossing the can aside.

“What’s up with the spray cans?” Heather asked.

“New power. I can summon spray cans!”

“That’s dumb.” Heather said.

A leather-clad Nocul entered the room, both feet slipping out from under him, planking in the air for a fraction of a second before his skull hit the floor, knocking him senseless. This was repeated twice more as they attempted to storm their way in.

Perry wordlessly motioned to the pile of thrashing enemies in the middle of Perry’s grease-trap.

“Alright, it’s okay. I’ll allow it on the condition of a lifetime supply of detangler.” Heather said, turning her hand into a spike and shoving it up into the ceiling, then widening it. “God I hope I don’t hit a septic pipe,”

“Or electrical,” Nat chimed in.

“Yeah, that too,” Heather said sticking her head into the hole she’d made in the ceiling.

“Okay, avert your eyes,” Heather said, pulling her hyperweave out of her purse.

Perry and Nat focused on the bathroom entrance while Heather changed into her super suit. Nat shoved the pile of bodies back, jabbing at the riders as they tried to push into the room.

The walls of the hall leading to the outside began to roll away, curling and flaking away like they were on fire.

Perry’s grease burst into flame and receded away from John’s feet as he entered. Nat shoved forward with the makeshift shield and oversized sword that she swung around without heeding their weight.

Perry was under the impression that it had something to do with Nat’s new specialty regarding solid magnetism.

The rough sword poked forward and John caught it in his palm.

“Another fool loses their arm through ignorance,” He said, and a moment later, Nat’s makeshift sword made of compressed trash disintegrated, from the tip to the handle, ending where it was connected to Nat’s glove via magnetism.

Corrosive Touch: (Adept Difficulty)

Here’s hoping this works. Perry thought as he triggered their nonlethals.

Weallfloatdownhere.EXE

“Oh my god you guys!” a recording of Perry’s voice emerged from the left-most suit as it approached John. “I think I’m having a baby!”

Some of the Nocul were caught by trap, the battered riders floating off the ground, but John shielded his eyes, seemingly warned in advance.

The second Mk.3 shot a noob-hunter at the man while his eyes were closed, but the dart was pushed away by an invisible force, embedding itself in the floor.

Damn.This is going to be a problem.

Perry didn’t want to get himself or his Mk.3’s disintegrated, but it seemed like things were going to have to get up close and personal to do any real damage.

We could always run away... Perry thought, glancing at the open ceiling of the plaza. Perry wasn’t above running away multiple times if it had a positive effect on his lifespan.

John must have caught Perry’s chin tilt up as he looked at the ceiling, because the nocul raised his hand above his head and a web that seemed to be made of living tar flung itself above his head and covered the open air with shiny black threads.

Threads of Gintax: (intermediate difficulty)

Ingredients: A Malturian web-spitter, tar from the Tolusian pits. (note: not any tar will do. There is a unique death essence contained in the tolusian pits.) Powdered Death Crystal

Mix the powdered death crystal with the tar at a 1:40 ratio, powder to tar, by mass. Mix until you are certain that the mixture is completely homogenous. Do not get any on your skin or clothes, as it may drain several years from your life without noticing.

Once the mixture is done, simply drop a living web-spitter into the tar. The tar will bind to the creature, and when it dies, it will form a hard nodule in the primed tar.

Retrieve the nodule (with tongs) and carefully rinse away the clinging tar with blessed alcohol. The nodule, when thrown with force, will erupt into shiny black webs.

The webs themselves drain life at a prodigious rate. Combined with their ability to cling and restrain, constantly weakening their prey, they are quite dangerous.

It would be a monumentally bad idea to touch those.

“That’s some bullshit magic right there,” Heather growled to herself. “Can you guys distract him enough to forget I exist?”

“Pretty sure I’ve got his attention,” Perry said.

“Good.” Heather pulled her hood down and mask up, her entire body blending into the surroundings.

Perry and his two floating suits went behind a blind corner to play the shell game before they emerged and began ripping out nonvital chunks of the architecture and throwing them at the nocul prince.

Natalie, meanwhile prowled the upper floors, tearing anything metal off its mount and lobbing it at any of the nocul who tried to get back up. Railings, water fountains, decorative sheeting and studs. It was all fair game.

Est. cost. 15k

Two can play at the attrition game. Perry thought to himself as the mage deflected a chunk of the marble fountain.

Est. cost. 20k

A lance of fire struck one of his suits and bored a hole clean through it, causing the aluminum machine to tumble lifeless to the ground.

Flame Lance: (neophyte difficulty)

Ingredients: Flame beetle probuscus, powdered air elemental droppings, dried Kathya leaf.

Powder leaf and droppings together, in an even mixture. Load into flame beetle probuscis.

To use, blow air through the probuscis towards your intended target. The air elemental dung will multiply the air inside the tube, creating a rushing torrent of wind. The probuscis will light the Kathya leaf, which will burn white hot while stoked by the air elemental dung.

Do not inhale.

Perry’s note: John Gabras seems to add the aspect of Gintax to the spell, given its vibrant green coloration.

Well. That’s not encouraging.

Perry couldn’t take it easy on the guy, that risked Heather getting caught and snuffed out, so he mentally crossed his fingers, prayed his HP could withstand magical damage, and redoubled his efforts, burying the guy under a mountain of concrete chunks and rebar.

Est. cost. 500K

Dear Lord, I hope I’m not held liable for this.

Perry landed beside their shopping cart and kicked it aside, toward the relative safety of a sheltered section of the plaza, aiming to lob another chunk of concrete at John’s head.

A blast of fire caught Perry in the chest, and propelled him backwards, into a decorative mural beside one of the elevators.

Est. cost. ‘???’ I didn’t like it anyway.

HP: 3

Perry’s chest armor had a hole the size of Rhode Island in the front and he tugged himself out of the wall before a follow up spell blasted into the former art piece.

Perry fell down and shattered the bench beneath it before rolling out of the way of another attack.

2 HP per shot. That’s a lot of power, but still not quite as bad as Mass Driver.

“Hold still you coward!” the nocul prince snarled, his amazingly well-groomed hair flowing in an invisible breeze as he attempted to end Perry’s life.

“Easy there,” Heather said, her arm transformed in to a massive blade underneath the nocul’s chin.

“You think you can cast a spell faster than I can cut your throat?” She asked, securing a bladed chokehold on their aggressor, her arms and legs twisting around his.

Damn, Heather! Perry thought, finally coming to a panting halt. Maybe the redhead wanted some answers, which was why she threatened him with great violence rather than just bashing him in the back of the head with a rock.

John Gabras froze, glancing back at Heather, then forward at Perry.

“Yes.”

John’s hand clenched and sliced his palm with his own fingernails, before flinging his bleeding palm outward.

“What the-“

The nocul mummified in Heather’s grasp, his skin wrinkling, lips receding from his teeth in a macabre display that elicited a yelp of surprise and disgust from the redheaded shapeshifter.

In the blink of an eye, the nocul’s body turned to dust as the furthest drop of blood on the floor swelled and grew into John Gabras, some fifteen feet distant.

Thankfully the magic included clothes.

???: (??? Difficulty)

Ingredients: ???

The user teleports to the location of the blood spatter of their choice. Range: ??? limitations:???

The nocul gave an extravagant bow, mocking Perry’s earlier snark.

“That’s some bullshit magic right there.” Perry muttered to himself.