Chapter 74: Combat Shopping

Chapter 74: Combat Shopping

Okay, you can do this. You’re besieged on all sides, the enemy is breathing down your neck. But you can’t show weakness. Any twitch, any betrayed emotion, could be the beginning of your downfall.

Perry took a deep breath and craned his neck to take in the full scale of The Mall.

It was fifty stories tall, wider than a football field, included apartments, office buildings, onsite medics, even less-than stellar lawyers and quacks who laired in the monolithic structure like lice.

It had food, clothes, gaming, handicrafts, hardware, even old-people stuff.

There were books, jewelry, antiques, even adult entertainment floors restricted by ID-scanning elevators.

It was the place in Washington city to find ANYTHING. The possibilities were endless. Murder-for hire? Aisle 444.

But that wasn’t what was stressing him out.

Nope.

It was the prospect of shopping with Heather and Natalie in close proximity for the better part of an afternoon. Who knew what dark secrets they whispered to each other while his back was turned?

Rationally, Perry know it was 100% ‘Hey look at XYZ. That’s cool. I’d like to give that to my mom when I get back.’

However, rationality took a back seat when confronted with Shopping With Heather and Natalie.

His irrational heart-of-hearts screamed that every motion and glance was some unspoken secret message that had something to do with him, because what else would they be talking about!?

Girls talking about something other than a guy? Preposterous! If there was one thing that Perry learned from T.V. growing up, it was that was the only thing they talked about.

A small part of him suggested that it was possible that T.V. might get things wrong every now and then.

His lizard brain picked up a rock and silenced the dissenter.

The teenage male brain has flights of fancy that would put the stereotypical teenage girl to shame save for the fact that the boy’s results in no outward sign save for moist palms and beading sweat.

Certainly not the most cinematic.

And this is with my Stability/Attunement ratio increased!

If Perry went full psycho, he could most likely navigate this situation with charm and aplomb, unfortunately he also wouldn’t care.

Better to suffer through this onslaught than feel nothing at all.

Perry’s musings were cut off by Natalie taking charge of the situation.

“I wanna check out the hardware section!” Natalie blurted and grabbed Heather and Perry’s hands, dragging them through the front door, cool air spilling out of the air-conditioned line of sliding doors as they approached.

“Wait! Clothes, moisturizer, hair detangler! Remember?” Heather protested, unable to stop the tiny tinker by anything short of superpowers.

“We can get clothes any time!” Nat said, dragging the two of them who must have outweighed her more than three times over.

“We can get grease-monkey stuff anytime!”

“I’ve got some hair detangler,” Perry said, offering her a can of spray-in product.

Heather frowned down at Perry, glanced him up and down then behind him, trying to figure out where he’d gotten it.

Rattle.

Perry shook the can of Heather’s favorite product and cocked a brow.

Heather snatched it out of his hand and shoved it in her purse before giving him a desperate look.This chapter's initial release occurred on the n0vell--Bjjn site.

“Can you talk some sense into her? If I don’t get a change of clothes and some soap I will literally die.”

“Sorry, Heather, we’re on the Nat train right now.”

“You’re darn right you are,” Nat said, eyes narrowed.

So while they visited the hardware store, Perry bought himself a package of round sheet plastic about a quarter millimeter thick for marking and preventing heavy objects from scoring each other.

As they walked through the towering aisles filled with goodies, Perry modified a plastic sheet, then when he moved his Attunement back to full, and another when he moved four points from Body into Attunement.

Perry nearly missed a step as his strength returned to nearly baseline, his body suddenly made of lead (comparatively).

He modified the final sheet and summoned a digital newton meter then tested all three sheet’s resistance to bending.

Sure enough, Perry was able to make things while boosting his Attunement with Sliding Stats, and have the boosted performance remain after the bonus points in Attunement were gone.

He could feel the drop in Stability like a shock of cold water, though, and Perry hastily moved four points of Attunement back to Stability.

“What are you doing with those?” Heather asked, steering Natalie’s cart that was gradually filling with every manner of Tinker paraphernalia.

“Testing my localized effect on the laws of physics,” Perry said. “It’s variable now.”

“Ooh, we definitely need this!” Natalie said, salivating over a massive spool of copper wire and then a miniaturized air-compressor with all the attachments, followed by an oxygen-acetylene torch.

“Don’t they give you free access to tools in the dock?” Heather asked, referring to where their armors were stored. Most tinkers couldn’t bring their entire shop with them, so they had to make due with loaner workshops provided by Washington City called ‘docks’.

“Eh, they’re okay.” Perry said, waggling his hand. “It’s missing a certain...je ne sais quoi.”

“It’s freedom, that’s what!” Natalie said, waggling her finger in the air. “So what if I wanna make the torch five thousand degrees hotter!? I made sure the coolant system could handle it, but noooo, these bureaucrats have to ask for permission, and it’s always ‘What do you need it for?’ If I could explain that, I wouldn’t be working here, would I?”

Note to self: Halloween costume.

“Don’t I get a say in what I smell like?” Perry asked.

“We’re the ones who have to smell you, so obviously we should be the ones in charge of making that decision.” Heather said.

Perry didn’t really care what he smelled like, but he did sense an opportunity here.

“I guess you’re right.” Perry said. “I mean, if you’re going to have to be subject to being around me, it makes sense that you choose what I wear.”

“Exactly.” Heather said, nodding with a look of smug superiority.

“I...guess?” Nat said, giving Perry a questioning look. Perry made a small motion with his hand, indicating that she drop it for now.

The time was not yet right for the counter-attack.

They finally compromised on a scent that was woodsy without the diesel smoke, tossing it into the cart along with all the other necessities, shampoo, moisturizer, soap and the like.

Perry didn’t have to wait long before the opportunity to counterattack presented itself in the clothing aisle.

“What is this?” Heather asked, her face reddening as she inspected the skimpy clothing Perry handed her.

“The way I see it,” Perry said, throwing an arm over Natalie’s shoulder and giving Heather a shit-eating grin. “If Nat and I have to be subject to being around you, it only makes sense that we choose what you wear.”

“Them’s the rules,” Natalie said.

“E tu, Natalus?” Heather said, a hand clutched over her broken heart.

Heather gave Perry a hard look.

“You just started something you can’t finish,” She said before disappearing into the dressing room.

“...She’s gonna make me wear women’s underwear,” Perry said.

“Yep,” Nat said, nodding.

“Worth it.”

The inevitable hazing didn’t go too far, culminating in Perry modelling a string bikini for them, after which the matter was dropped, with both sides feeling as though they’d gotten the better deal.

I mean, I got the better deal assuming I can delete the pictures off her phone at some point.

They also had ganged up on Nat and picked out some rather flattering tights and a couple shirts with the sesame street gang on them. Because those were the only ones that fit.

“This is why I don’t like shopping for clothes at the mall,” Nat pouted, wearing a big-bird crop-top and pastel tights. “They never have anything in my size.”

I think all of us are suffering equally,” Perry said, inspecting his Hawaiian t-shirt depicting a man with a Hawaiian t-shirt on a hammock. The man’s t-shirt depicted the same. This went down several levels until Perry couldn’t make out the details with his eyes any more, but he’d wager that it went on forever.

It was a fractal Hawaiian T-shirt. It was garish and ugly, and it was Perry’s final punishment for picking out Heather’s attention-catching clothes.

“Why do they call it a Hawaiian T-shirt?” Perry asked.

“Idunno.” Natalie said with a shrug.

“I’m not a history major.” Heather said as they walked through the enormous mall.

They had walked into the center of the plaza, and Perry looked up through the open center of the building, witnessing a single beam of light reflecting off the edge of the highest windows, some fifty stories above them, filtering down until it finally landed in his eyes.

They’d been shopping for hours and hadn’t even left the first floor.

The sheer quiet of the plaza allowed him to sink into his thoughts and marvel at the scale of the building they were in.

Wait, sheer quiet?

Perry glanced back down and scanned the surroundings. The plaza was empty, not a single living thing was present.

“Guys, we might be in trouble,” Perry said.

“Where is everyone?” Nat asked, frowning.

Perry heard a motorcycle engine. One at first, followed by dozens more.

The slender man with a saber and fantastic hair idled forward from around a corner, approaching them on his horse-themed motorcycle.

“Well spotted Zauberer. You noticed after all the magic was completely spent and you were already trapped in your tomb. I suppose you’re not the most...what in Gintax’s name are you wearing?”

Perry whetted his lips. He knew the next words he spoke could mean life or death.

“Was that an Aversion ritual that made everyone leave? How’d you get it to have an area of effect instead of targeting a single object?”

The rider shrugged.

“Well, you pour the Noxis concentrate over an inverse lodestone and then charge it by cracking a power-stone. I had some concentrate left over from the midsummer festival and...hey!”

Perry glanced up from where he was taking notes with a sharpie on one of his plastic circles.

The rider unsheathed his saber and revved the engine of his bike, filling the plaza with a deep rumble that shook more than the physical.

“Die, Zauberer!”