Chapter 165 - 3.61

"..." Xu Yan's hands stopped in place.

She raised her head, her line of sight passing by Xu Jiaqi's. Her gaze was empty, as if Xu Jiaqi had just asked her a pointless question that she couldn't even begin to bother answering.

"Tell me, what use would there be if I even tried to regret what I did in the past? Is there a medicine for regret? I don't think so, little lady. If so, why should I regret what I did?" Xu Yan looked at Xu Jiaqi as if she asked something extremely strange.

Xu Jiaqi didn't know how to handle this woman. It was one of the very few moments that she actually felt vulnerable. It was a battle of mentality and morality at this point.

Xu Yan might have made decisions that hurt others in exchange for protecting herself. She had no intentions of denying what she did in the past. The only thing that she could do was accept the fact that she had plunged this far in life because of her stupid mistakes.

Repenting was not a word that existed in her dictionary, because if Xu Yan was in her daughter's position, she would never find it within herself to forgive the cruel actions. This was the reason why she didn't bother to apologize or regret things. Because the damage had been done. If she crawled back into her daughter's life, asking for forgiveness all of a sudden, it seemed so.. forced.

Xu Yan hated being forced.

Indeed, she is a bad person. Someone who didn't deserve to be a mother. Someone who ran away from all her responsibilities.

But who said that every single person in the world needed to be kind? Who dictated that? So many people preach their values. That they had to be kind to others. They praised Saint like attitudes. But behind the curtains, didn't they all commit their own mistakes, their sins, and their misbehavior?

Who said that this woman, named Xu Yan, had no right to be afraid? She feared for herself. And took actions for herself. It was selfish, but she had her own qualms that she couldn't solve. It was largely motivated by rash emotions, but that was also what she managed to muster up to benefit herself.

Truthfully, Xu Jiaqi also didn't dare to say that she was a good person. Because she knew that she had committed crimes. In her eyes, nobody had an entirely good character. The same went for people who were categorized as 'evil' or 'villains'.

She ruined a lot of people, and she saved just as much if not more. Her actions bloomed into several other extra effects, which in turn could technically be traced back to her.

[This woman.. really hateful. I don't like her, wuwuwu!]

'Ssh. I can't say that I agree with her, but I do attest to some of her claims.  Life is a complicated matter.. Dearest System, your own Host is also not a good person. Do you dare curse me out?'

[What?! Of course not! Why would I curse you out, Host?!]

'See? You're taking my side, even though I'm a hateful person to others. You are biased towards me because you know me. There's so much variable to consider in someone's life. That's why calculating a perfect life is hard. I was so careful in my first life, and yet, I still died by their hands, right?'

[But still..] The System learned a new point of view today.

'..Come to think of it, what made me desire a perfect life so much? Why was I chasing that ideal all the time?' Xu Jiaqi questioned.

Xu Jiaqi felt that her head hurt a little bit when she thought about that question's answer.

Still, if she had to say something, it was a mixture of self doubt and uncertainty towards the world that ended up clouding Xu Yan into making the decisions she made.

Hence, Xu Jiaqi waited for Xu Yan to answer her question. She was interested as to what Xu Yan would utter.

The older woman took a deep breath in.

"Let's see.. I, Xu Yan, have never regretted what I have become. My career is something that I can be proud of, that man was truly an exceptional one. I have accepted myself for who I am, and learned not to take others' words to heart. If I could go back in time, everything would probably be different, but I still don't regret where I stand in this lifetime."

"If you ask me, I'd say that I regret not lining up for the Moonlight Pavillion's new cosmetic line last month several times more than my important decisions," Xu Yan's confident smile was dazzling as it sparkled on her face. "I'm getting older day by day, and taking care of my appearance is becoming more difficult."

"As for my daughter, who is long gone... She grew to be someone splendid.. a respectable figure. I should be proud of her, why would I feel regret?" Xu Yan looked at Xu Jiaqi as if she was a stranger. Someone she coincidentally met.

As if she wasn't the daughter that she had thrown away years ago and came back, rising up exponentially from back when she was thrown into the slums, almost dying towards the end.

Xu Jiaqi wanted to laugh. Xu Yan was an exceptional actress. Being able to alter her life like this for so long. Escaping reality.

It must be nice, huh?

Xu Jiaqi thought that it was pointless to talk with this woman any longer. She was too absorbed in her own fantasy. The denial she forged. There was absolutely no way of knocking some sense into this woman.

It was way too late, and this woman would not listen to her even if she tried to preach to her a thousand times over and over again.

Xu Jiaqi: I feel vexed. Humans are so complicated. Who made us like this?

System: There, there. I'm a System, so I don't really understand, but I know that Host is the coolest!