Chapter 52 - Dum-E

-- I used to think I was indecisive. Now I am not so sure --

"Sir Tony has sent a present for you," Jarvis said.

"Oh? Just as I am about to try and make myself fireproof? What is it?" I ask.

"Sir, I don't know. It came in a box saying [I was super annoyed with it, so I decided to let you have it when I heard you wanted to make yourself fireproof. I hope you have as much fun as I did with it!

Sincerely Tony.]" Jarvis said.

'What could it be?' I ask as I walked over to the cardboard box in the corner.

I open it and inside...

"PSHHHH!" I got blasted in the face by some sort of foam. My Spidey Senses didn't warn me because it wasn't dangerous to me.

A tick mark appeared on my forehead - anime style - and I quickly wiped whatever it was covering my face away. The first thing I saw was a robot which had Dum-E printed on the side. I instantly knew what it was.

"Oh, Tony, I hate you so much right now!" I knew what he had sent me. The exact fire extinguisher robot he had used when testing out his Iron Man armor for the first time.

It was a robot which had a barrel at the top of it which sent out a fire-squelching agent. It was connected to a fire extinguisher, which is what supplied the fire-squelching agent to the robot, making it easy to use and reusable.

I just ignored it and put it in the box again. I close the box, and- "WHAM!" I kicked the box with all my strength. I opened the box to see what was inside now...

"WHAT THE F*CK! I can lift several tons of weight for god's sake! And yet this damn robot still lives? Did Tony use Vibranium to make this? Is it movie science?" I ask as I hopped up and down while holding my leg. DAMN! It hurt so much right now.

"F*CK! Fine I will let you live for now. But as soon as I can, I will send you to Abomination and Hulk as a punching bag you stupid robot!" I yelled in anger.

It lowers its head in sadness. "NO! You will not guilt me into keeping you!" I screamed in slightly less anger. Damn it was getting to me.

It just lowered it's head even further and made a pitiful noise. I don't even know how it made the noise as even with my superior eyesight I still couldn't see any speakers.

"Mfph. Fine if you do a good job and don't spray me unless necessary I will keep you. If you don't do a good job, I will send you back to Tony. And if you do a terrible job, I will gift you to Hulk and Abomination." I said with a smirk as I dangled an olive branch to the robot. Maybe this will get it to leave me alone.

"Sir Tony has sent you a message," Jarvis said.

"Play it," I said back.

"Hey, buddy. I hope you liked my present! Ohh, and by the way, I gave it the ability to think as well. So it is sort of like an A.I. Now except a very primitive one. I hope you enjoy it! Also, he is my test subject as I am trialing a new A.I. program which will allow them to feel emotions. It wouldn't work on Jarvis as he is too advanced so I would have to make the code a lot more complicated, but with Dum-E's primitive thought process, it should work fine. Your welcome!" Tonys annoying voice came across the speaker.

I suddenly felt the urge to kill him and then let my children eat him for nutrition. Maybe it's the inner spider in me. "*Sigh* I guess I can't throw you away now. If you really are capable of feeling emotions, then you are important so you can live for now. Just don't get in my way." I said with a sigh.

Dume-E somehow managed to look determined. My god sometimes this Anime or Movie or whatever sort of science or logic this is gets on my nerves!

"Ok, Jarvis hit me," I said. Suddenly a stream of fire came down from the roof above me. "AHHHHH!" I screamed as I felt my flesh burning - No, it was starting to regenerate now. The temperate doesn't hurt as much!

I repeated this for about six times. I got the adaption process to take only 0.6 seconds. The more I did it, the less time it took for me to adapt to it. But the less time it took for me to adapt the more tries it would take to reduce that time.

Two hours later and I had already been sprayed with fire - with short intervals in between every spray of fire - 200 times! It now took 0.026 seconds to adapt. I wasn't sure if it was enough as in the movie The Destroyer's head beam thing could rip anything apart in a split second. And in the comics, it was even more drastic.

I did it for another hour and got it down to 0.013 seconds. Jarvis was very good at timing. Having a loyal robot, Butler was so useful.

"This will have to enough. I have to be there soon." I said, thinking. "But first, I have to see if Matt will sleep with Melanie's sister. I mean she is so hot he has to right?" I ask no one in particular.

"Sir, I have just downloaded and scanned through that book I can answer your question if-" Jarvis got cut off.

"NO! No spoilers. Spoilers are the worst!" I said back.

"Very well, sir. Would you like any snacks for your reading time?" Jarvis asked dutifully. I smiled.

"Yes I would like a Coke-" I didn't get cut off, but Dum-E suddenly ran off.

I stood there in silence for 10 minutes. I just started reading because I was bored and didn't want to wait. "EEP!" A somehow happy looking Dum-E came back holding a glass of... What is that? Is that... No please don't be what I think this is!

"Jarvis, what is Dum-E holding right now?" I ask hoping that Jarvis would deny my theory.

"Piss sir," Jarvis replied, and I nearly broke down in anger.

"WHAT THE HELL! HOW DID YOU GET PISS? YOU CAN'T DAMN PEE! AND I ASKED FOR COKE NOT PISS!" I yelled enraged.

Dum-E looked downcast again. I still don't understand how he did that. "Tony really wasn't lying when he said that you were primitive. Jarvis, how did he get a glass of Piss?"

"Sir I believe he hacked into a local drug gangs security system and disabled it then went into one of their vaults and kept spraying a tiger which was going to be sold illegally until it got so scared that it pissed itself," Jarvis replied with his usual monotone voice.

"WHAT THE HELL! HOW CAN YOU DO ALL THAT BUT STILL NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COKE AND PISS?" I yelled, confused, and mad.

I gave up at that point and just sat down and started reading. I ignored the downcast Dum-E.

"Sir Thor is about to die." Jarvis's voice came over the speakers.

"Huh? But the warriors three haven't even arrived!" I said, confused.

"They did sir an hour ago. You said shut up and leave me alone I am reading. And then you giggled at something." Jarvis said.

"Oh. It's been that long, huh? Wait no nevermind I need to go take credit for killing Destroyer and take his armor!" I said and quickly Hiraishin's away. I had set up a Hiraishin seal when I wished Thor good luck when he snuck into the SHIELD facility.

"Thor, I have come to save you and- wait, why are you nȧkėd?"