Chapter 100 - Hesitations

"Are you alright?" Jiwon asked as Mirae emerged from the bathroom. She looked frail and for the past two days, was throwing up quite frequently.

"I don't know," she said in a heavy tone. She took out a soap and began to smell it. 

"What are you doing?" Jiwon rolled his eyes. "Just go to a doctor. You've been unable to eat for the past two days!"

"Yeah but the soap makes me feel calmer," Mirae said. "Helps in controlling the feeling of nausea."

"Go to a doctor, Mirae," he advised her. "We'll go today after I return from work. You should rest at home."

"I'm fine!" she insisted but Jiwon noticed she was swaying slightly. Alarmed, he got up from the bed and held her just in time as she was about to collapse.

"You're not fine!" he insisted. She looked really pale. He carried her to the bed, laying her carefully on it. He checked her forehead.

Her temperature seemed normal, he thought. 

"I'm taking the day off today," he announced.

"No!" Mirae frowned weakly. "You should go to work. Otherwise they may cut your wages-"

"Doesn't matter," Jiwon said sharply. "You're too sick. I'm gonna inform my boss. I don't care if he doesn't understand!"

Mirae was too weak to argue. It was impossible to talk sense in Jiwon once he decided something. 

"I'll cook you some porridge," he went on. "Don't you dare get off this bed."

Mirae groaned. She really hated staying in bed all day without any work. But Jiwon was like a strict teacher. He would not let her lift even a finger.

A few minutes later, he brought a hot cup of porridge for her. She stared at it for a while before taking a scoop into her mouth.

"It's tasteless," she complained. Jiwon frowned. 

"I put miso and avocado in it," he said, taking a bite off it. It tasted fine to his tastebud.

"Can you add something sour?" she asked. "Lemon juice maybe?"

"Lemon juice?" he voiced out. Mirae never complained about food and he was surprised by this strange request.

"Yeah," she said. "I want to eat something sour."

Jiwon narrowed his eyes before suddenly standing up.

"Where are you going?" she asked in astonishment as he put on his jacket.

"To the pharmacy," he announced. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Finish your porridge by then. I'll bring some lemons on the way."

Mirae blinked, feeling surprised. "We have medicines here already," she mumbled.

But Jiwon was not listening. He headed out. A while later, he walked into the convenient store near their building. He slowly stepped towards the pharmacy.

"Which one should I pick?" he asked himself, stopping in front of the maternal care aisle containing emergency pregnancy kits. If he was not wrong, Mirae did not need medicine but he still wanted to make sure if his hunch was right. Unsure of which pack to choose, he bought one from all the brands he could get his hands on. 

He also grabbed lemons, oranges, sweet snacks and emergency vomit bags. The cashier stared as he put down his things on the counter.

The middle aged cashier stared at the young man in front of her. He looked barely twenty years old and he was already buying all this?

"Is it your first child?" she gently asked him. 

"Uh...yes," Jiwon muttered. It felt awkward to answer that question. "We have not checked yet but I just had a hunch…"

"You must really love your wife," the cashier smiled as she scanned the barcodes on his orders. "But you guys are so young. Will you be alright, taking care of a child when both of you are barely adults yourselves?"

"I'm not sure," Jiwon admitted. 

"How are you feeling about this anyway?" the cashier asked. She was not being nosy but sympathized with the young couple a little. She had seen them quite frequently at the store but it was the first time she struck up a conversation with any of them.

"Honestly, it's not a bad feeling..." Jiwon said as he trailed off. To his surprise, he was being honest. It really was not a bad feeling. If anything, he actually wished that his hunch would turn out to be true. 

The cashier watched him give a small smile. Jiwon caught her looking at him. He cleared his throat and asked, "How much?"

"Thirty dollars," she answered as she took the money from him. She packed his things inside shopping bags and handed it to him.

"Just a minute," she requested as she scurried off. She emerged out from an aisle and handed him a packet of dry fruits.

"This is good for pregnant women," she informed him. "She will get a lot of strange urges over the next few months."

"You don't have to-" Jiwon began but the cashier pushed it into his hands.

"It's a gift from me," she insisted. Surprised by the gesture, Jiwon took it, muttering a "thank you" to her. Bowing slightly, he took his leave.

By the time he arrived, Mirae still had not finished her bowl of porridge. In fact, she was throwing up again.

"Mirae!" he called out as he saw her bent over the toilet, struggling to throw up the remnants in her stomach. She looked extremely weak. Nothing was settling in her stomach. 

"I feel terrible…" she mumbled as she slumped backwards on the wall. Jiwon patted her head. 

"Mirae," he said. "You need to take a small test."

"What test?" she looked up. Jiwon handed her a pregnancy kit. She stared at it, widening her eyes. "You really think…"

"We'll know if you take the test," Jiwon told her. "Then we'll go to the doctor to be fully sure."

Mirae hesitantly took the kit from his hand while Jiwon brought her a bottle full of water to drink. Stepping outside the bathroom, Jiwon waited for ten minutes. Even though his expression was unreadable, inwardly he was anxious. 

It was a strange sensation which he had not felt in years. When he had gotten married to Mirae, he did not really expected much. To him, it was simply a duty which needed to be fulfilled. After all, he was partly responsible for the miseries in her life. 

But the past two years had a calming effect on him. He had a home he could truly his own. There was someone who was there for him everyday. He had heard stories of his father and mother's relationship. They never married but were together till the end. He heard how they defied their differences and stood up for each other. 

For years, love was a foreign concept for him. He did not know what it felt like to be in love. All he knew was that the thought of living the rest of his life with Mirae made his heart feel warm.

Finally, after ten minutes, Mirae emerged from the bathroom. She was nervous to show him the result. What will be his reaction? She wondered.

"Well?" he questioned her. Mirae held up the pregnancy stick. It showed two blue stripes which indicated pregnancy. 

"We should still consult a doctor," Jiwon opined, his face still unfathomable. Mirae was confused by his calm demeanour. It was impossible to understand what he was really thinking.

"Let's go," he said. "Dress up."

Mirae nodded and closed the bedroom door behind her. Unconsciously touching her stomach, she felt uneasy. What if she really was pregnant? What if Jiwon does not want the child? For some reason, her heart felt like it was being torn apart. 

A single tear fell from her eye followed by a flow. She really wanted the news to be true. But what if Jiwon did not want the baby? These thoughts plagued her mind.

She slowly got dressed and exited the bedroom. "Let's go," she said to Jiwon. He nodded and they headed out.

….

"You are pregnant," the doctor informed them. They had been in the hospital for around two hours, where Mirae went through a series of basic pregnancy tests. After checking upon her, the doctors were finally able to confirm the news.

Mirae was ecstatic and nervous at the same time. She glanced at Jiwon, whose expression was still unreadable.

Did he want the child at all? She thought for the hundredth time. Sometimes it was so difficult to read his mind. 

"I'll write down some medicines for the nausea," the doctor went on. "Since it's her first pregnancy, she will need lots of vitamin supplements. And here is a list of food she should not be eating."

She handed over the list and prescription to Jiwon who scanned the documents. 

"Understood," he said. "How many times should Mirae come for a check up?"

Mirae glanced at him. Did she hear it right? He was actually asking for check up schedules? 

"Once a week," the doctor informed him. He nodded.

"Let's go," he told Mirae. 

"Y-yes," she stammered. Bowing to the doctor and thanking her for the help, they exited the hospital.

Jiwon was about to call a cab but Mirae stopped him. "Let's walk," she suggested.

"You're still not well," he pointed out.

"I'll be fine," she insisted. "We'll walk slowly. I'll feel stuffier inside a cab."

Jiwon sighed. "Alright," he gave in. "Let's go."

They walked along the walkway. Mirae fidgeted her fingers, which Jiwon noticed. She wanted to say something.

"Ask away," he said. "You're dying to talk."

"Do you...do you want this child?" she asked out loud. He stopped in his steps.

"It's so hard to read you," she continued in a small tone. "I can't tell if you're happy or sad or angry. I want to know."

She looked at him. "Jiwon," she said. "I never questioned you regarding the things you're hiding. But I really want to know if you're genuinely happy in this relationship. Do you want this child at all?"

Her tone was desperate. She had to know.

"Do you want this child?" he asked. 

"I do!" she said without hesitation. "But do you want it? I can't understand at all!"

Jiwon took a step closer to her. Catching a strand of her hair, he tucked it behind her ear. 

"It's a good feeling," he said softly. "A green eyed baby girl with a feisty personality."

He gave her a genuine smile. "I'm happy."

"Really?" she asked with teary eyes.

"Really," he replied. Mirae broke down in the middle of the busy road. Jiwon, feeling flustered, pulled her to his chest. The day's events were taking an emotional toll on her. She felt as if a burden had lifted from her shoulders. 

Jiwon had to calm her down for fifteen minutes before she finally stopped crying. 

"You are a crybaby," he commented.

"Get used to it," she said in a heavy tone, wiping her eyes. "The doctor said I'll have frequent mood swings. Now you'll know how difficult it is to deal with such tantrums!"

"I look forward to it," he muttered sarcastically but Mirae was not listening. She was staring at a rice cake stand.

"Jiwon, I want that!" she pointed at the food stand.

"You're not allowed to eat outside food," Jiwon protested. "It's bad for your health!"

"But I'm craving for it!" she insisted. "Please Jiwon...please!"

She pleaded in front of him. Her craving was getting worse. It was unbearable.

"Fine!" he said. "But only one."

"Just one," she promised. "I swear!"

Jiwon sighed and they walked over to the rice cake stand. Mirae's 'one' rice cake turned into twenty as she kept on stuffing herself with it. Jiwon did not protest since her stomach was completely empty. Deciding to make rice cakes at home, he watched as his wife finished the whole plate by herself.

Suddenly, Jiwon felt an eerie presence. He looked around, frowning. I swear I felt like someone was watching us, he thought in alarm.

"What's wrong?" Mirae asked, her mouth full of rice cakes.

"Mirae, let's go," he said in a clam tone. "Eat the rest at home."

Confused by his change in tone, she nodded. What was going on? She wondered.