Volume 2 - CH 8.1

I was mesmerized by the same scene as that time. The sky and the ground, far above and far below, seeming to suck me in. The spectacular view still attracts me as it did before.

I am driven by a momentary impulse. A long time has passed since then.

What would have happened if I had given myself over to that temptation?

At that time, I certainly wished for death. At least, I was aware of it without understanding it. But somehow I had stopped wishing for death.

It kept protecting me like a shield of Aigis. Yukito Kokonoe’s mentality cannot be hurt. Therefore, I never wished for death.

It was simple logic. But why didn’t I realize it?

That such a thing was impossible.

“Yukito! Yukitoshi, it’s okay!

Mom was calling me. Yes, I remember she had this expression on her face that day.

A hazy, dim memory of that day is hazy. What’s wrong with me?

Is she thinking that I am about to jump off the roof at any moment?

Maybe so. That’s what I would have done back then.

In fact, I have a record. It is natural to be concerned.

That is why I am here today.

To move everything forward. To make up for the days that have been destroyed.

“This is the first time we’re going out together like this. Fufu. I’m so happy.”

Mom was smiling broadly. Even though she was only going out with her child, she was strangely enthusiastic. Her makeup was perfect. She was so cute and adorable.

My mother and I were at Sky Tree. My sister was not there.

Since Mom was off work today, I asked her to go with me.

She said yes, but it was a little difficult because she cried.

“I’m sorry. The truth is ……”

She’s still sobbing again. I had never once asked my mother to do anything for me. I thought she wouldn’t listen to me no matter what I said, and I kept thinking that she hated me.

But then my sister, who had rejected me and said she hated me, told me a short while ago that she loved me. I don’t know which one of us is the real one.

Still, that’s why I have to talk to her. And with Mom, too.

It was a good time to get off the observation deck and go outside. I wanted to talk with Mom alone a little longer. Rather, that’s what I wanted to do.

On the way home at dusk, we just talked quietly.

As if to fill in the blanks, as if to fill in the time that had passed so far.

“I’m sorry for asking you out so suddenly today?”

“Don’t be. I was happy. We’ve never done that before.”

“I am not bothering you?”

How is that possible?”

She looks sad and lowers her eyes. Come to think of it, Mom always had this expression on her face.

It was me who made her like this. I was the one who made her sad like this.

“I thought you didn’t like me.”

“That’s not true. Why? How could I not like you?”

“But you abandoned me then, didn’t you?”

“—-! You got it wrong. Yukito, did someone say something to you!? You were there at that time–“

“I thought I was an unnecessary existence because you never told me I was needed.”

“I’m sorry! It must have been so hard for you…”

“I thought Nee-san hated me too, but she told me she loves me. That’s why I wanted to ask Mom too…”

“…Am I allowed to stay?”

Tears spilled from Mom’s large eyes, ruining her beautiful makeup. She’s been crying a lot lately, and it’s all because of me, but I couldn’t stop the conversation here. I needed to do this to correct the personality of Yukito Kokonoe, to restore the real me, not the broken one.

I could tell Mom’s body was shaking, and she was trying to hold back her tears.

“I wanted to talk to you more, Mom. There were so many things I wanted to tell you.”

“Yes…”

“But you always seemed busy, and I stopped saying anything. Then those feelings went to Nee-san.”

“It’s not that Yuri didn’t like it either.”

“I was rejected by both you and Nee-san, and I lost my place. So I wanted to disappear. If that’s what you and Nee-san wanted, then that’s fine. But if you love me and think I’m necessary, why didn’t you argue with me back then? Why didn’t you protect me?”

“I still wanted to live with you.”

I became the Yukito Kokonoe that I am today.

[Mother PoV]

My mood was in high spirits. For the first time, my son asked me where I wanted to go.

The fact that he asked me to go somewhere for the first time tells me that I am guilty of something. When he was a child, I was too busy with work to spoil him.

I cherish it. He is my treasure.

No matter how many times I say such things, if it is not accompanied by action, it will not be conveyed.

I could only watch Yukito, whom I loved so much but had become distant from me. And I couldn’t even notice the changes in Yuuri.

This led to the incident. I had never thought that my son would voluntarily choose death. It was a tremendous horror. I still have nightmares.

I was an unqualified parent to think that my son would choose death because of my own negligence.

My son told me that he wanted to go out with me. It warms my heart.

That had never happened to me before.

In fact, I always wanted to do so. I wanted to love him and spoil him.

Parents only have so much time to do that. Children grow up too fast.

I realized too late that I had only a limited amount of time to give him my love.

My words might not reach him anymore. That’s what I thought.

That is why I was so happy that he asked me to join him. He still sees me as a parent. He needs me. Recently, there had been a change in Yukito.

A very important and significant change. Yuuri, for example, is very close to him every day and sleeps with him frequently.

I can’t speak for others either. Yesterday we slept together again. I felt that if I didn’t, my son, who is trying to change, would go back to the way he was before.

His mood is different from usual. Serious expression. He always has a straight face.

However, my son was usually the one who would always say something out of the ordinary.

But today, he didn’t show the slightest sign of it.

“But I still wanted to live with you.”

Those words pierced my heart. That day, I couldn’t protect this child who was taken away by Sekka Kokonoe. That’s reason why Yukito had to go.

I lost my confidence as a parent and thought that he was unhappy to be with me. No wonder. It was all my fault that I let Yuuri do that, that Yukito didn’t want to go home, and that I made a big big mess out of it.

Yukito said I abandoned him. That’s not it, I never abandoned him!

Ugly excuses. I always realize it only after it’s too late.

If only we had talked more, if only we had faced each other more seriously.

I always repeat such regrets.

My son is facing me now. If I make a mistake here, he will not come back this time. I am sure that he will really go out of my reach.

The look on the observatory seemed to prove it. It was clad in such a fragile, fleeting atmosphere, as if he were sinking into a dark, dark bottom and drowning in it forever.

Even now, it is so–!

Eh? Lies……. Why ……?

“It’s okay. I realized. I’m here today to change.”

“Yukito, are you smiling ……?”

“Smiling …… me? Am I Smiling, Mom?”

He looks strange. He touches his face with a floppy hand.

Is he smiling? This boy? Our relationship had become so warped that I foolishly could not even remember when I had seen my son smile before.

He used to smile when he was trying his best to talk to me, and his smile was cute, but then the smile disappeared, and it was undeniably me who took that smile away from him.

I am an unfit mother. I thought he would never look at me that way again.

And yet–!

“I have something very important to tell you. –I’m not me right now”