Chapter Premium Organic Bespoke Hand Crafted Sh*tpost

Chapter Premium Organic Bespoke Hand Crafted Sh*tpost

Seenit!

Touch the dumpster fire! Touch it. You know you want to.

Group: Definitely Human

No filthy xenos here, just us completely normal humans.

***

User PoofNoPlumage

Can you eat rocket candy? I kind of want to eat it. I really want to eat it.

User PommegraniteSparkle [Actual Human]

No! Why would you even think that?

User HumanJohnDoe

We do. It’s really good!

User Dumbledore’sBottomBitch

We do, too! It’s becoming a problem. Our stock keeps disappearing and people’s kitchens are catching on fire.

***

User BipedsLookWeird

Why does everyone like open-bolt SMG's?

User HonestHumanShipTrader

They are cheap and easy, just like your maternal parent! (Am I doing this right?)

User CatHerder99 [Moderator]

Close enough! Good job!

***

User RoundAndSexy

AR vs AK, which is better [removed by moderator]

Moderator note: Guys we have covered this. No! Bad users! Bad! Stop it.

***

User MoreEyesAreBetter

Rule 34: W...T...F... Why, just why?

User FuzzyBunnyPMmeYourHumanPPPls

Oh, your poor inbox... Send me the good ones!

***

User BigTittiedGothGF

TIFU by not keeping the reaction mixture cold.

Does anyone know a place where you can get quality prostheses made discreetly? Asking for a friend, a very stupid friend with no primary digits, and can’t go to the medical center for obvious reasons.

User DragonsForLife

PM me.

User GreyGhost

Or, if you want actual quality products that will pass for natural, PM us.

User DragonsForLife

Or if you want some badass chrome with upgrades, PM us.

User GreyGhost

Only if you want some claw that was fashioned from starship parts.

[Thread continues.]

***

User OccasionalCriminal

Gutterplas vs TNT which is better?

User Iamnotafly

Def TNT if you can get it (or make it), but gutterplas is cheap and easy, you know, like your mom.

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

Both are... alright... but check the tome of boom we Terrans have released. It’s much better than that porkie shit.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Oh, the tome is wonderful... if you have a robofac, a chem-matrix, and a full set of lab glass AND what is basically a chemistry degree in most Federation systems. If all you have is three two-liter plastic bottles and a mop bucket, then gutterplas is the safest bet. Yes, it is low yield as opposed to your nightmare fuel, but it is easy and cheap... Like your mom. It is also safe, something that your mother is not. She nasty!

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

So what did your mom/grandma/ggrandma do during the Sol Wars, bitch?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

[Removed]

[Mod note: Well, we did ask...]

User FluttershineBestPony1111stilltakenwtf

This is a human ‘colorful expression’ or cultural reference of which I am unaware, right?... Right? Please say it is.

User Overki11z9090 [certified human]

Nope.

***

User InnocentLittleHarmlessFluff

Does anyone know where a human can get Z'uush sani-clear?

User DiggyDiggyHoleClasper

The new stuff or the old stuff?

User InnocentLittleHarmlessFluff

***

User ItsJustForResearchIPromis

Molotov cocktails. What is gasolene, and where do I get some?

User OGFisto[Confirmed OG]

Reading the Porkie Tablet, huh? Both gasoline and diesel were once very common petrochemical fuels used in internal combustion engines from the nineteenth to twenty first centuries. (Don’t hold me to the start date.) They used to be widely available, even in areas that were tightly controlled/occupied. This made them ideal for improvised weapons. Now, you may be able to find a suitable lubricant that could be thinned to create something similar, but unless you have a ready supply of source material, likely much more trouble than it’s worth.

User ItsJustForResearchIPromis

Aww, too bad. ☹ It sounded fun. Oh well.

***

User WeHangByOurPeens

Help! How do I find lead?

User ProfDirt [Confirmed Human]

That’s a tricky one. It is rarely used in modern electronics or industry due to its toxicity. Without knowing details about your planet you may not wish to share, I can offer little advice aside from looking at old pre-contact items. You might get lucky. While there is some similarity between all planets, each has a different enough geology that it makes specific advice impossible. I recommend hitting the history books. Lead tends to be used very early on in most technology trees. I bet you guys used to mine and refine it. There are likely even abandoned mines with ore still in them.

Good hunting!

***

User ImConfus

Rill rifle technology vs Terran?

Hey fellow humans. I’m seeing a lot of Rill based firearms showing up on the black and grey markets as well as Rill designs AND jailbreaked autofac templates floating around.

Are they any good and if so, are they a good alternative to Terran based designs?

[Moderator comment: Oh this gonna get good... OP, you have no idea what you have started. Your inbox is fuuuuuked!]

15k comments [click to view]

***

Advertisement: Novux ghost gun factories. No muss no fuss no records.

NEW!!! No long term commitments. Pay as you go!

***

User ImaboutToGoCrazy

Making minifac. Help pls. My brains hurt.

User GrumpyOldC00t [Confirmed Human]

Step one. RTFM. Step two. Repeat step one.

User TooManyLegsNotEnoughFeet

Grumpy! You’re back! Is your butt feeling better?

User GrumpyOldC00t

It. Was. My. Hip!

***

User IGuessImaCaveSophont

MFW I found out that thin polymer elastomers can prevent both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Who knew? I shall now leave Seenit forever because my entire planet and I suddenly have something much better to do with our spare time. Later. Peace.

User DipsyDoodlePoot

Is... Is someone from here actually getting laid?!?

***

User IamNotACrab!

Showerthought: If everyone copies hypersapce tech, who cam upw with it in the first place?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

I’ve wondered the same thing. Oh, BTW you are totally a crab.

User IamNotACrab!

We are completely different lifeforms with completely different morphologies! Stupid human being stupid.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

I stand corrected. Sorry about that... pinchy claws.

OGFisto [Certified OG]

Gutter, do you have anything better to do than troll our board?

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Actually, I don’t. I’m just sitting on my ass in a hot zone, waiting to die. I figured I would spend my final days pissing you fuckers off one last time.

OGFisto [Certified OG]

Oh... Shit... Ahem... Well, I still hate your guts, and I’m happy you are dying, you porkie bitch! I just wish I was there to put you out of your misery.

User Gutt3rG1rl [Porkie Trash]

Right back at you, Terran Scum. ???? Don’t worry about putting me out of my misery, though. I have one final raid in me. Gonna be spicy... provided I live long enough.

OGFisto [Confirmed OG]

Give them hell... then please die. ????

***

User WaterBug4Lyf

TIFU by trying real coffee.

I didn’t think that a mild alkaloid would hit that hard. I finally crashed after two days, and woke up in the BRIG. My captain thought I was on something restricted. When he found out that I simply had to try a latte, just like in the holos, he managed to do something I had never seen before. He managed to both laugh at and yell at me simultaneously. Two weeks of extra duties AND three days of what can only be described as “intestinal irritation” followed. I’m quite peeved. The species guide listed caffeine and coffee as “caution and moderation recommended” and not “this will ruin your whole week and jeopardize your career.”

Edit: I’m an idiot. I reviewed the species guide, and the recommended serving size for my species is in millivolumes, not decivolumes, and certainly not “ounces”. FML... FMF’nL...

Edit Two: Great. I was just informed that I get to make a “safety briefing”. This is where I get up in front of the entire f’ing crew and tell everyone what I did. It would be humiliating (as intended), but since everyone already knows (trust me), I’m not overly concerned.

Edit Three: At the urging of some truly irresponsible people here, I carefully measured out and consumed the appropriate amount of coffee...

Where has this been all my life? I’m going to get coffee seeds! I hope it can grow back home (or at least in a hydro rig). Humans live on coffee, right, and they are bio-wizards. I bet they have a variety that can be grown in a ship’s hydroponics bay. I just know it!

User VerifiedBioApotheosis [Corporation]

You would be correct. While native coffee wouldn’t be the best fit for a ship’s hydroponics bay, we and two of our competitors offer genetically modified varieties that are ideal for “upside down” horticulture and at there are also varieties that thrive in flooded pools. Please visit our website for details. We at BioApotheosis are dedicated to getting coffee to anybeing that requires it!