Chapter 121 - The doctor's open door

Ayu was still holding Lina's hand as they pulled up to Dr. Hayama's clinic. Even though Ayu's expression was still awkward, Lina sensed a change in her attitude. 

She seemed less determined to be rude to her and she was more caring. She immediately got out of the car, adamant to accompany Lina inside. She even made sure that Lina didn't forget a shawl since it was slightly chilly outside and she had one in her car. 

She walked silently with Lina, not saying much. But every little action of hers was trying to scream her feelings out loud, as restrained as they may be. 

When they went inside, the thin, serious-looking assistant was sitting at the front desk. 

He looked down at what looked like an appointment book as he saw Lina and Ayu walk in. 

"Sir, I have an appointment with the doctor. It was impromptu, but I discussed it with him over the phone." 

The thin man peered down at his notebook again. 

"Yes, Dr. Hayama did inform me. Please have a seat, he is finishing up with another patient." 

Lina nodded and sat down. Ayu, who was standing behind her, carefully took a seat next to her. But she didn't get too close. Who knows what she'd do if her body moved on its own again and held Lina's hand?! 

A blush crept up to her cheeks. 

But when she turned to Lina, Lina wasn't really paying attention. There was a troubled expression on her face as she sat staring at her hands in her lap. 

Ayu cleared her throat gently.

"Madam, are you alright?" 

She couldn't believe herself. Since when did she allow herself to display such vulgar emotion?! 

Lina snapped out of her trance. 

"Um...I'm fine." she answered awkwardly and smiled.

Even though she said she was okay, she didn't feel okay. Her heart was overcome with sadness. Something made her want to talk to Ayu but she couldn't seem to open her mouth to speak. 

She wondered if Ayu knew what this place was and what Dr. Hayama was treating her for. 

But Ayu wasn't too intrusive. She didn't ask too much. Lina appreciated that at the moment. 

"Ayu..." Lina started, finally beginning to speak. 

"Yes?" Ayu was trying hard to keep her voice steady. 

"Will I ever feel like myself again?" Lina's quiet voice tugged at her heartstrings. 

Ayu desperately wanted to reach out and hold her tight, and promise her that she never had to feel alone in a body she didn't feel like she owned. 

"Madam-" Ayu started to say but she was interrupted by a cold, authoritative voice. 

It was the thin man from the front desk. 

"Madam Moshi, Dr. Hayama will see you now. Please follow me." 

Lina sighed and got up and followed the assistant into Dr. Hayama's office. 

The doctor was clearing his desk and rearranging his materials as Lina walked in behind the thin man. 

"Doctor, your next appointment is here." he said. Lina felt slightly uncomfortable. There was a slight tone of sarcasm when the thin man addressed the doctor. 

He wasn't respectful or reverent of the man who employed him, like Lina would have expected him to be. But rather his tone with Dr. Hayama was that of an equal, as two old friends would taunt one another. 

Even though his words were polite, Lina sensed there was more to the relationship between the doctor and his assistant. 

'Maybe he's gay? Maybe they're a couple or having an affair?' Lina entertained bizarre thoughts. 

Why was literally everything and everyone she came into contact with so strange?! 

'Am I going mad?!' 

All of a sudden she longed to run back to Ayu. It wa so weird. That woman treated her like a waste of space but it seemed like her heart only exuded warmth. A warmth that Lina wanted to hide within in this moment. 

But there she was, having trapped herself in Dr. Hayama's office.

The faint smell of cigars hung in the air. The room was exactly like it was before. Mahogany furnished, books everywhere and Dr. Hayama, well groomed and suave in his neat, well-cut suit. 

He flashed her a disarming smile, and greeted her. 

"Please make yourself comfortable Madam Moshi." he said, in his rich, low voice.

As if entranced, Lina did as she was told and settled herself on the couch opposite Dr. Hayama. 

Whenever she was with this man, she felt the inherent urge to obey him. But at the same time, she felt like a mouse, cornered. 

He was never forceful or coercive, nor did he say anything to make her feel that way - but there was just something about his presence. 

"Tell me, Madam, have you had any vivid dreams lately?"

"Yes. I have. Very recently in fact." 

"Did you see the little girl again?" 

"I did." 

"Was she alone?" 

"No"

"Who else was there?" 

"Her parents...I think" 

"Both her parents?" 

"Yes, both. I couldn't see her father's face but he was holding her" 

"Did you feel safe that he was holding her" 

"I did"

"Then what happened?" 

"They left her. They said they had to go away." 

Suddenly Dr. Hayama's tone changed ever so slightly. He seemed intrusive, rather than objective. 

Lina shifted uncomfortably in her seat. 

"They didn't say where. But they said..." Lina's voice drifted as she glimpsed the dream again in her mind's eye

"We have a present for you. Don't forget to get your present from mommy and daddy ok?"

That's what the mother said in the dream. They left something for the little girl. 

Suddenly the same voice rang through her head, like a distant memory from another life. 

"Lina...my sweet baby, my little Lili"

'Is that really me? Were they my parents?' Lina's head was clouded with these thoughts, as it got harder to breathe. She could feel her throat close in. 

"What did they say?" there was a tinge of impatience in Dr. Hayama's voice.

Lina just wanted to leave. She felt like she had a lot to think about. 

She got up and moved towards the door. 

"Madam Moshi, our session is midway, where are you going?" Dr. Hayama asked, his voice still remaining low and rich, not betraying any sense of urgency. 

"I-I- I'm not feeling very well" Lina tried to explain. She didn't want to linger.

Dr. Hayama got up too and walked towards her, and positioned himself next to the door. 

"That's natural. Bringing up memories to the surface can be painful due to the trauma your subconscious is trying to hide. Don't you want to work past these barriers?" he asked. 

He framed his questions very carefully, as if to guide her towards the outcome he wanted. 

Lina stopped in her tracks. He was right. Maybe it wasn't Dr. Hayama making her feel uncomfortable. 

'Maybe it's me that's stopping myself from delving any further' she questioned herself. 

Lina reluctantly sat back down. 

"Madam, to make this work, I'm going to have to be honest with you. You need to let down your guard, or you will never be able to unlock what your mind has sealed away." 

Lina looked at him, her big eyes begging to be saved. She wanted to know. 

She needed to know. 

Dr. Hayama's big hand closed over her small ones. 

"Will you please let down your guard?" he asked, his thick voice clouding her brain. 

"Yes..." she whispered, as her head became heavy, and her eyelids began to close.