Chapter 769

Chapter 769

What is perfection?

The technical dictionary definition would be the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects, but Im asking about perfection in a more personal sense of the word. How would I describe the perfect meal? The perfect activity? The perfect day? The perfect life? Difficult to say really, but even if I could put it into words, my version of perfection would be wholly unique. One mans trash is another mans treasure, meaning that at the end of the day, perfection is subjective.

Problem is, even though I cant describe what perfection entails, I know what perfection feels like. I was just having the perfect dream, one I can no longer remember, but its absence is keenly felt. It was one of those wonderful dreams where everything was just... well, perfect and all my problems are easily solved, except for the fact that I was aware that it was a dream. I remember feeling the same way when fighting the dream Demon way back in wilderness by Shen Huo, when I was but a young man still yet to wholly understand how bat-shit crazy Id become. The dream the Demon showed me was utter perfection, except my mind kept rejecting every scenario because I couldnt accept being happy. Thats how I resisted the allure of its illusions, not due to a strong mind or soul or whatnot, but simply because I was so miserable I couldnt even imagine life any other way.

This time however, was different. Things were perfect, and I was happy, but I knew I couldnt stay there and continue being happy. I have no words to describe what perfection was like, and I lack any and all awareness of what the dream entailed, but I know it was perfect nonetheless, for I had all the answers and solutions I needed. Either that, or my questions no longer mattered, which in essence is really the same thing. Adrift in a sea of warmth and contentment, I knew I was safe, but more importantly, I was happy. That is how I felt while drifting through a haze of general bliss, so familiar and ordinary without any highs or lows to differentiate the good from the bad, just an all-around perfect existence.

Its a far cry from how I felt when I first awakened to this new life.

I vaguely remember bouncing about in a moving wagon with the mother of all headaches, while struggling to understand who and where I was. It felt like waking from a dream, a dream in which I lived out an entire life, my past life, from start to finish. It felt so real I wasnt even sure if it was a dream, but the details were hazy and indistinct. What I could remember was fast fading even as I so desperately tried to hold onto those memories for the sake of having them, because forgetting my dream left me empty and afraid. Every time the wagon bounced, Id open my eyes to reality and forget a little more, which left me feeling empty and in mourning as if Id lost something near and dear to my heart, a loss which pained me even though I couldnt entirely remember what it was. All I knew was that something was wrong, and that I didnt belong here in this world. A stranger in a strange land, wherein everything came with a heaping helping of horse shit and a living nightmare to boot, a stark contrast to the fast-fading memories of a pleasant and blissful existence which I was so desperate to return to.

My memories of having a past life are still intact, but Ive never been able to really put together a coherent picture of what my past life was like. I had parents and a dog. I lived alone for awhile, but then I didnt. I had a job I hated, a passion for video games, and a disturbing fascination with memes. As time went on, I uncovered bits and pieces of my forgotten memories over time, like Buddy and my room in the Natal Palace, or vague notions of how things worked, but there are no real hard details to go along with these recollections. Was I tall or short? Athletic or lethargic? Single or in a relationship? Even Buddy is largely a mystery, because while I know hes my dog and I love him more than anything, theres so much still missing. What kind of dog is he? A mutt of some kind, with big brown eyes and floppy ears that make him look oh so adorable, and a predominantly brown fur coat flecked with black and white, not really spots so much as literally singular hairs of a different colour, but enough of them that it shows. Thats really all I can say about Buddy, because aside from his appearance and general demeanour, I dont really know much else about him. Its not super important, but Id still like to know, because its in my nature to be curious. Thats just one question of many regarding my dog, and theres so much more I want to know in general, because maybe then Ill figure out how I got here and what Im supposed to do.

None of that matters as I am now, or at least it didnt until awareness reared its ugly head and forced me to reject my dreams of blissful perfection. Now, all I am left with is the memory of a perfect existence and a sense of having lost it, but no awareness of what that perfection entails. The not knowing is what makes it so much worse, because if I knew what perfection was, then maybe I could figure out how to find my way back to it, except the more I try to hold onto those memories, the faster they slip away. The warmth and contentment drains from my mind and body leaving only emptiness behind, a vast gulf inside me which leaves me feeling hollow and incomplete.

I dont really understand it, not one bit. Logically, I shouldnt miss what I dont remember, but I do. The memory of perfection has long since faded away, but I crave its return despite being unable to describe it, an ineffable and unattainable state of being which exists only in abstract. What happened to ignorance is bliss? If I cant remember it, why am I saddened by its loss? It makes no sense at all, but thats how it is, so what can I do except accept that I will never be whole? Perfection sits tantalizingly out of reach as the memory of having grasped it fades until only awareness remains, and I am made less for it.

This is just like how it was all those years ago, when I awoke as a confused and terrified little boy who couldnt remember anything besides his name. Rayne, a name I no longer use because... well because it no longer fits.

Whats so great about my past life anyways? Could it have been better than this one? Sure, my life now isnt perfect, but I have two loving parents, a doting sister and considerate brother, three beautiful and affectionate wives, a gorgeous consort whose beauty and adoration actually intimidates me, and the most adorable niece and nephew a man could ask for. I have great friends, reliable comrades, stalwart supporters, and a host of admirers, not to mention a whole menagerie full of adorable floofs to cuddle and play with to my hearts content. Things arent perfect, but theyre going pretty great, so even though there are trials and tribulations aplenty, thats just life. It is what it is, in this world and any other, so why am I so fixated on finding what Ive lost?

No... a better question is why would I not be?

I am nothing if not curious. This much I know, so why wouldnt I be curious about my past life? More importantly, why am I not curious about this one? There was a time when I thought myself an invader and parasite, a plague upon the true owner of this body, but I have since come to learn thats not true at all. Whether it be Brother, Baledagh, Rayne, or Falling Rain, there is no difference or distinction between them, because when you take away the label, what youre left with is just me. Doesnt matter what you call me, but this is my body and my life, a truth I have long since come to accept, with a little help from the dearly departed Mahakala.

So knowing all this, why is it that I never bothered to ask Mom or Dad about who I really am, or how I, an amber-eyed member of the People, ended up in a slave camp run by the Canston Trading Group?

I know the answer. Not how I ended up in the slave camp, but why Ive never asked. Because I dont really want to know the answer. I dont know how I ended up where I did, but I know the story wont be pleasant to hear. Thats why Ive been playing along and pretending it was just bad luck that saw me sent to the mines, when deep down, I know there must be more to it. I would rather live in blissful ignorance than face harsh reality, but I fear that there will soon come a time when I can no longer keep my head buried in the sand.

But thats something for future me to deal with, so jokes on him. Present me just has to focus on the here and now, which for the moment, means chasing down that blissful dream once again. Alas, success eludes me and I suffer in cold misery, right up until a tiny bundle of warmth settles in against me and I remember a little of what perfection was like once more. Reality reasserts itself as I find myself curled up in bed with my dog at my side, and for a moment, I am whole again. Its just me and Buddy against the world, but the world is far and distant, kept at bay by the warm and soothing comfort of my bed and blanket as I drift in that blissful state which exists between sleep and the waking world.

Time passes, and somewhere along the way, I become aware of another presence at my side, one which is every bit as welcome as Buddy. Though I yearn to chase my dreams of perfection some more, I am compelled to open my eyes and gaze upon what I consider an example of perfection in reality. My sweet wifey Lin-Lin lies asleep beside me, her eyes shut and breathing light as she presses her cheek against my shoulder. The sight of her fills me with love and adoration, and I drink in her presence like a man dying of thirst in the desert, reminded of the bliss Ive found in this life once more.

Somehow sensing my gaze upon her, Lin-Lin stirs in her sleep and slowly blinks her eyes before coming awake with a wide-eyed smile. Hi hubby, she exclaims, leaning in for a quick kiss and snuggle. Sorry we had to end your swim early today, but the fortress came under attack, yea?

Swim?

End it early?

Wait.

Under attack?

Much as I would love to bolt up in alarm, my fuzzy brain is having trouble processing whats happening, and all I can do is lie there and utter a flummoxed, What?

Oh, sorry hubby. I guess youre still disoriented, ya? Wrapping Buddy in her arms as he pokes his head out to say hi, Lin-Lin nestles into my chest and sinks in with a contented sigh, one my sweet doggo echoes from inside her embrace. Take your time and dont worry hubby. Everythings gonna be alright. Youll remember everything soon enough.

Remember everything? What did I forget? You know, besides the whole perfect dream with all the answers and solutions. That being said, even as I teeter on the brink of all-out panic, my memories slowly return to me and the world makes sense once more. Im in Meng Sha, asleep and comatose while everyone is fighting to liberate the West. After my Natal Soul sacrificed himself to lend aid to the war effort, I asked Lin-Lin to bring me out into the Azure Sea so I could ask Blobby some questions, but I dont remember talking to him or even going into the water at all. How long was I in the water for?

Thats the long and short of it at least, a verbal description of the action itself, but the feeling? Thats harder to put into words. Its the pleasure you get when you strive for a goal that could be beyond your reach, and yet you try for it anyways and end up pleasantly surprised when you succeed. Its the satisfaction you get when you do something a thousand times and still dont really understand, but then everything clicks on your thousand and one try, and you finally get it right. Its the moment of suspense that comes from jumping off the last few stairs, except youre not sure if you were already at the bottom, or if you misjudged your jump by a step or two. Take all of that, and add in the satisfying, tactile sensation of putting everything you have into a strike and hitting the target clean on, and then you have an inkling of what Pierce the Horizon really feels like, and it is this feeling which I try to convey.

Alongside an image of Binesis spear piercing through YuChuns throat, because lets be honest, thats probably a lot easier to understand.

Alas, my efforts fall flat as Binesi executes Skewer the Blossom instead, though to be fair, its impressive to see how hes taken what is primarily an offensive movement and turned it into a defensive strike. Defending isnt just about blocking, dodging, and parrying, because sometimes, the best defence is a good offence, a lesson Binesi understands well. The issue is he isnt thinking big enough, because instead of keeping YuChun off balance and buying room to breathe, he could have ended the fight then and there with a devastating thrust to the face.

A second opportunity presents itself, and I try to help out again, this time communicating that he should use Hanging Grasp Branch to target YuChuns left shoulder. For the second time, my efforts fall on deaf ears as Binesi continues his staunch defence, and my third, fourth, and fifth attempts end in similar failure. Maybe theres something wrong with my Aura, or maybe my message isnt getting through clearly, so I give up trying to help and withdraw before I screw things up for Binesi instead. Turning my attention back to the battlements, I see Jorani throwing himself into the thick of things with the courage of a lion. A clever bit of ropework sees him catch his foe off-guard, and he sends Yu Kongs would-be avenger sailing off the wall with a strangled scream of regret. Rather than the satisfaction of a job well done, Joranis eyes darken in self-condemnation, but he shakes it off and heads back into the fray once more. Probably has one of the Uniters minions whispering into his ear, seeking to sow doubt and misery in hopes of eking out some small advantage, but he has no hold over Jorani. There was a time when Id have been worried about his mood and the possibility he might become tainted or form a Spectre, but hes come a long way since Sanshu to become one of the people I trust the most.

And with that bond of trust between us, Jorani has no difficulties accepting my assistance and advice, given freely without even thinking. To an outsider, it looks like hes blessed by the Heavens and fortuitously avoiding death time and time again, but it only looks that way because hes following instructions even he himself cant hear.

Much like Dagen, Bulat, and Jorani, Wang Bao also heeds my unspoken advice without hesitation, though I can sense his inner turmoil holding him back. He doesnt get enough credit for all his hard work and dedication, which I know doesnt come easily to him. This is a man who literally lived a bandits life, taking what he pleased without caring about the consequences, yet now, he is one of the most disciplined soldiers of the retinue. Hes as fierce a Warrior as any, but its his willpower which makes him stand out, because deep down, he is still the same black-hearted scoundrel who plundered and butchered at the Red Devil of Sanshus side. Though Wang Bao has long since left his past behind and turned over a new leaf, he still has the same lack of morals and murderous urges buried within, a near psychopathic mindset that sees himself as a wolf among sheep. The only difference is that he no longer lets the wolf run free, and while he yearns to break free of his constraining restraints to become the wolf once more, he knows theres no going back if ever succumbs to his dark urges again. Whats more, in becoming a guardian to the flock, he has found a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction he never experienced as the hunter, so he continues to play his part as the fine upstanding citizen he wishes he could truly become. Thats why hes so grateful to me, because I gave him a second chance he feels he didnt deserve, and because of that, he wants to be a better man than the monster he thinks he is.

Much like courage is not the absence of fear, integrity is not the lack of immorality, but rather the ability to hold fast to honour and virtue despite the temptation to do otherwise. In this, Wang Bao is second to none, for he knows sin and temptation better than most, so while he might not have been born a good man, I believe that so long as he strives to be one, then he has already succeeded.

Theres no need to fear your anger, I tell Wang Bao, but again, not in so many words. It is a part of you that will never go away. Fear only gives it power over you. Embrace it and master it so that it can never control you again. Unlike with Binesi, Wang Bao understands the gist of my message immediately, and he lets loose with a roar of fury which sets his foes to shaking as he stops holding himself back. No further guidance is needed, for if theres one thing he knows, its how to kill a man, Defiled or otherwise.

Several times now, Ive helped the Warriors of my retinue, which makes my failure with Binesi stand out that much more. Belatedly noticing theres more going on, I absently recall how Ive been lending aid to the other Warriors of my retinue without noticing, or even consciously trying. From my perspective, its as if Im providing a passive buff on the macro scale with my presence alone, and I only become aware of what Ive been doing when I focus on one specific person at a time. Bulat, Dagen, Jorani, Wang Bao, and Binesi all received my advice at more or less the same time, alongside so many others, but my mind is unable to keep track of everything happening all at once. I can only perceive events in a sequential fashion one at a time, but thats a small price to pay considering Im able to lend a hand without even needing to try, so I take my time and watch the battle unfold from a dozen different perspectives.

Ral, Chey, Ravil, Siyar, and others all heed my unspoken advice without hesitation, each one stepping up in the own way to help hold the line, but the one who stands out the most in Lang Yi. Silent as a Wraith, he fights without pomp or pageantry, but his moves are eye-catching indeed, for after coming to terms with his loss of love and hatred for those who took her, he has progressed by leaps and bounds along the Martial Path. So far that in some ways, his spearmanship is superior to Binesis and YuChuns, though only in technical and theoretical terms. Its more than just picking the right Movements to use, but also how he sets up his strikes to always target more than one enemy at a time, and he needs no aid from me to achieve this. With his first move, he skewers three Chosen on his spear, piercing through their throats with one swift charge as if they all just lined up for him to kill. Every sweep, strike, and thrust affects at least two Defiled each, and he does so as effortlessly as breathing.

A month ago, I mightve said this was One with the Spear, One with the Self, and One with the World, but I see now that I wouldve been wrong. What hes done here goes beyond all that, because hes taken all these core concepts alongside a few others I dont recognize and condensed them down to something more advanced, something that is both straightforward and infinitely complex at the same time. With spear in hand, he has become something akin to a force of nature, as if Blessed by the Spear itself, and I can think of no other Warrior who can match him in this facet alone.

Which is how Lang Yi, a former fisherman turned Martial Warrior who isnt even an Expert, almost claims the life of Mataram YuChun, and in doing so, saves Binesi from near certain death.

Alas, Lang Yis base speed and strength are both too lacking for his thrust to land, and he most certainly wouldve died to the counter if not for Jorani holding YuChuns spear back, as well as the combined efforts of Dastan, Wang Bao, and Chey, all of whom coordinate their efforts as only veterans of a hundred battles could. Though I know Im helping in some minor ways, it pains me to sit and watch as my comrades are beaten bloody in one fell swoop, but I noticed the Azure Ascendants waiting in the wings some time ago and know theyll step in if things get bad. Much as I would love to help out even more, Ive an inkling suspicion that the Tyrant OuYang YuHuan will be even less responsive to my advice than Binesi, and I think I know why.

On a sidenote, Naaran really knows how to play to the crowd, belittling a Lieutenant General with only a few scant words. I didnt know he had it in him, but I can see why hes such good friends with Dad.

To confirm my hunch regarding my unreliable attempts to give advice, I head back to the docks where my body is strapped and ready for transport, while doing my best to ignore the indignity of my situation. To be fair, if I didnt want to be carted around like luggage, then I shouldnt have fallen into a coma, so really, I only have myself to blame. Seeing Li-Li struggling to get Princess back into her shoulder bag, I stop to watch the weasel-bears silly antics, but something tells me theres more going on than what meets the eye. Sweet Princess is scared, but its not the battle which concerns her, because if it was, shed keep glancing at the walls. No, theres something else bothering her, a closer, more immediate threat than the distant fighting, but I have no idea what it could be. Whatever it is, I can tell Princess is scared, but not so scared as to become clingy and fearful. Instead, her efforts to stay with her favourite person stems from a desire to protect her, as if she thinks Li-Li will be in danger without her.

Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to test my theory, I gather my emotions and convey a message to Li-Li. Bring her, I say, without using any words at all. Maybe she can help.

Not sure how, but Ive a gut feeling, and Princess is a stubborn girl wholly deserving of her name. Shes made her mind up to stick with her favourite person, so even if shes left behind, shell just find her own way back to Li-Li on her own. Thankfully, judging by how she turns to look at my body in confusion, the half-cat seems to understand my message, and better yet, takes it to heart with little to no hesitation, proving my theory right. The reason why Binesi couldnt hear me isnt because he was ignoring my messages, but rather because theyre not even reaching him in the first place. If emotions belong to the realm of the soul, then its possible that only people who trust and accept me can receive them in this form. Whats more, only the people closest to me can parse through my emotions, and theres no one who understands me like Li-Li. She gets me in a way that not even Lin-Lin can match, because while Mila, Yan, Alsantset, and everyone else are all happy to give me the space I need, none of them really understand why I need it. Li-Li gets it, and more importantly, she doesnt judge me for it, because she understands that its not that I need time away from the people I love, but rather that I sometimes need to be alone with my thoughts.

I dont understand it either, but it is what it is, and Li-Li gets it. Huffing a small sigh, she puts on the shoulder bag and lets Princess crawl in, and I coo as the weasel-bear emerges with a honey-cake in each paw. Hey pretty girl, you look after Li-Li okay? Though Princess shows no sign of having heard me, she nuzzles up against Li-Lis side and nibbles away at her treats while staring at the wall up ahead. Curious to see whats got her hackles in a fluff, I take a moment to bid sweet Mila goodbye before I leave, but not in so many words or even emotions, more of a mental farewell than anything. Though shes concerned about her father, my freckled, redheaded wife is one of the strongest people I know, and she doesnt need me distracting her before a big fight. Much as I would love to support her in this moment of weakness, revealing my presence would likely do more harm than good, so I leave her in the arms of her father and head off towards the front lines with Li-Li and Princess.

Upon my return to the battlements, I immediately notice the change in atmosphere, but only because I was looking for clues to what might be bothering Princess. Its not evident at first glance, or even second, or third, but as I watch the soldiers of my retinue battling against the Defiled in abject silence, I can almost taste their despair lingering in the atmosphere. Even though they are still holding strong, Imperial morale is slowly being chipped away by the oppressive mood, one devoid of the customary glee or satisfaction from a battle well fought. Ordinarily, I would think that this was simply because Mataram YuChun was too formidable a Peak Expert, but the Tyrant is doing a fine job holding out against him, though partially because Lei Gong is watching from the wings, ready to unleash a bolt of lightning the first opening he sees. As such, morale should be improving all across Meng Sha, especially in light of Situ Chi Gans contribution to the cause as he mounts the Ebony Reapers head atop his own ragged banner pole and waves it about for all to see.

The old Guardian of the Situ Clan is built different, that much is clear, but even his heroic display of strength and disdain isnt enough to lift the spirits of the Imperial soldiers. For long seconds, I struggle to find a reason for this depressive atmosphere, one that reminds me of what I experienced in LuZhou. Its nowhere near as overwhelming as the slaughterhouse scene I uncovered at that first harbour, where the Uniter sought to elevate death into an art form by blanketing the area in atrocities as far as the eye could see. In doing so, he transformed the area in a veritable font of hatred and violence, misery and regret, but rather than the palpable air of death of suffering I found in LuZhou, the Aura is far more subtle and indistinct here.

And Aura it is, but not one emanating from an individual or Demon, but rather from the area in and around Meng Sha itself.

A realization I only reach thanks to Yuanyins seemingly meaningless ramblings, something about how a single spark is enough to light a mighty beacon of hope. There is something foul afoot here in Meng Sha, something spewing hopelessness and despair into the air to infect the mind and spirit alike, but I cannot for the life of me understand what it might be. Had I remained here on the wall instead of heading back to test my theory, I doubt I wouldve even noticed it creeping up on my psyche, the same way a frog in a pot doesnt notice the water slowly heating up around it. Thats why the Defiled are going all out without fear, because while it seems like this can only end in mutual destruction, they believe this insidious Aura will tip the scales of power in their favour and drive the Imperials to despair and defeat.

Which means were fighting against the clock here in Meng Sha, unless I can do something about it.

I get it Mother in Heaven, these trials and tribulations are meant to make us stronger, but why is it that Im always the one left to pick up the slack?

Chapter Meme