Chapter 684

Chapter 684

It appears there is a flaw in my grand scheme, one I have yet to uncover.

Floating in my Natal Lake all by my lonesome, I watch the wispy white clouds drift overhead as the waves lap away my frustration and self-loathing. Where the fuck did my plans go wrong? I thought I accounted for everything. Find Kukku. Nap with Kukku. Play with Kukku. Convince Kukku to help me communicate with a monk, whether it be Happy, the Abbot, or really anyone who is available, if only to let them know Im capable of communicating so long as it takes place in my Natal Palace. Or theirs, possibly, though Im not entirely sure about that, or how Id explain the modern pier and skyscraper sat smack dab in the middle of the village, with an added lake I put in because I wanted one. Or my different appearance, which I cant really see, because any mirrors I create only reflect what I think I look like, and thats the same image I see in real mirrors most of the time. Its a matter of perception, and when the world around you is based on said perception, its difficult to identify my own blind spots, because if I could see them, then they wouldnt really be blind spots, now would they?

...So where in the fuck do my brilliant plan go wrong? I fell asleep cuddling the rooster and holding the Abbots hand, so why are neither of them here?

With journal.txt already opened and read, I have no idea what to try next, so here I am relaxing in the lake. I expected at least one visitor to come a knocking and had all my explanations (and excuses) locked and loaded, but so far, its been nothing. I dont know how long its been and Im exhausted beyond all belief, but I dont know if Ill get another chance at this, since those monks outside didnt seem all too pleased to see us. Who knows if theyll let me stay for more than a single night, and more importantly, I dont want to leave Guard Leader and Lin-Lin waiting in the wings. My sweet wifey is many things, but patient is not one of them, and Id really rather they didnt travel back to the monastery alone. Not just because Im afraid to make the trip back without company either; Guard Leader almost slipped up by bringing us into that den of worm-things, which means she is not, in fact, infallible or all powerful.

All this adds up to a very limited time frame to work in, so I gotta move fast, except I dont know what to do next. What havent I tried? Sending doesnt work and comes out as garbled as my regular speech, and communication through Aura is difficult when the only emotion I feel is disgruntled impatience. Im done with being messed up and ready to get better already, but as per usual, I have no idea what to do, so here I am relying on my Natal Lake to ease my troubles away.

...

I may have just discovered a flaw. Why do I only feel disgruntled impatience? Probably because my Natal Lake is washing all the other emotions away. Theres nothing wrong with the process itself, as sometimes, I need to shed that excess emotional baggage, but Balance is not the exclusion of negative emotions, but rather reaching an equilibrium between positive and negative. Neutrally emotive, which is not the same as no emotion, but rather being happy or sad, relaxed or frustrated, calm or angry, whenever the occasion calls for it. Too much is as bad as not enough, if not worse, probably. Think about how Mahakala and the Abbot behaved, as well as the other monks of the Brotherhood. Theyre mostly calm and relaxed, but when need arises, they are unrepentant in their displays of anger, grief, joy, or any other emotion that suits the situation. Mahakala was quick to anger when things didnt go his way, but also quick to forgive, and the Abbot openly wept when I told him about how his Senior Brother died. Monk Happy is happy most of the time, except when shit goes down and then hes downright terrifying. Meanwhile, Im over here misunderstanding the whole concept and getting rid of all the bad vibes while clinging onto everything thats good and wholesome, which is no sort of Balance at all. I realized this, but then I did almost nothing to change it, because...

Well, because why Balance? What is so important about it? Why cant I just be happy all the time?

...Because that would be creepy and weird. Question asked and answered. I can see it now: me, smiling without a care in the world while reading the casualty report for our latest battle, or paying no mind to an injured floof and trying to cuddle them regardless of their injury. The world aint all sunshine and rainbows, because nobody hits as hard as life does. But like a great man once said, it aint about how hard you hit. Its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. Thats my problem. Im afraid to move forward. Im scared to take the next step, because I dont know what comes next. Thats the excuse I always fall back on, one Ive used since I first opened my eyes and found myself being auctioned away as a slave. When I dont know what to do, I either charge in without thinking, or I do nothing and things get worse.

Why am I here? Im looking for answers regarding my Path, but what did I do when it became clear I wouldnt get any answers until I could better communicate my questions? Did I try and figure out a solution on my own? No. I sat around and hoped the issue would resolve itself, or some monk of the Brotherhood would come up with a working solution. Thats why Song had to kick my ass into gear and remind me that theres a war being fought out there, and while Im not sure what I could do as Legate to improve the situation, doing anything would be an improvement over what Im doing now. Napping all day and playing with floofs is my ideal life, but alas, trials and tribulations loom over on the horizon, and there is nowhere I can run to escape them.

So. Problem: I cannot communicate my questions. How to get around this? By meeting someone as a Soul, which is what I was trying to do here, except it didnt work. Neither the Abbot nor Kukku came to visit, which means I need to go visit them. Though I dont understand the mechanics behind it, I believe this means I need to step out into the Void in order to access someone elses Natal Palace, or at least step out of mine and into an adjacent one, either Kukkus or the Abbots. Were all in physical contact right now, so it should be simple enough to just pop on over while avoiding all the hungry, lingering Spectres just waiting outside my doorstep. I mean, its definitely possible, else Ping Ping, Pong Pong, and Mama Bun wouldnt be able to visit me every night, considering those Spectres have been there every time I stepped outside.

...

Hang on.

Those things out there are most definitely Spectres, so why am I afraid of them again? Theyre not Anathema, and clearly unable to breach my defences like what happened to Mahakala, so why cant I just Devour them and step outside afterwards? It wouldnt have worked when my Core was shattered, but now Im whole again and wholly capable of hoovering up all the big bad ghosties waiting on my doorstep. Usually, this is where I stall and argue against myself, but now that Ive remembered Spectres are nothing to be afraid of, Im unable to keep myself from testing the waters, so to speak. Opening my Natal Palace up to the Void, I envision a patch of darkness expanding across the sky and keep it reasonably small in case things should go wrong, but nothing happens. Drawing closer for a better look, I spot the slavering, phantasmal Spectres champing at the proverbial bit outside my door, hungry predators all eager for a meal, but none of them care to charge in. Emboldened by their lack of response, I rise up out of the lake and soar up for a closer look, opting to go with mundane flight instead of teleporting over because actual movement gives me the maximum amount of time to react if things should go wrong. Uncharacteristic as this somewhat bold, yet quasi-informed decision might seem, I have the added benefit of Insight guiding my actions here in my Natal Palace, and right now, I know the Spectres are afraid to come in.

They call me the Devourer, know that only death awaits them within, but they do not fear me. No, they hunger for the chance to consume me, to take what is mine and make it their own, so that they might one day become whole again.

Upon further inspection, I realize the Spectres are divided into two camps, a disciplined group of guards holding back the untamed masses behind them who yearn to push in. Well, not holding back physically, but the... feralSpectres refuse to cross the guardian Spectres, though there is no real discernible difference between the two groups aside from their behaviour. Itinerant souls, Mahakala called them, and while I suspect he might have been referring more specifically to Anathema, I now understand why he labelled them so. Spectres are born from emotion, a process I intuitively co-opted to sever all my emotions through Natal Souls. Even though I call them by a different name, there is no real difference between Spectres and my Natal Souls once they are released into the world. Emotions bound in slivers of soul, thats how I severed all those Natal Souls, and thats how Jorani, Awdar, and so many others create Spectres to begin with, Spectres that crave to become whole once more. I touched upon the truth of the matter at one point in time, in how there were no good Spectres because sentient life prefers to hold onto the good memories and let go of the bad, unless of course you happen to be a weird idiot named Falling Rain.

So when I devour Spectres, I am absorbing souls, and somehow making them a part of my own. Ha. Your soul is mine.

As the whimsical thought flits through my mind, I try to rein it in and stop what comes next, but its already too late. Invited by my subconscious, the Spectres floating out in the Void surge into my Core, the guardians fighting against the current while the feral masses stampede in with what can only be described as an eager wail, and the latter far outnumber the former. A wave of Spectres spill into my Natal Palace and bee-line directly towards my penthouse condo, a sight that fills me with dread and terror. The world shifts and I am back in my computer chair, watching everything taking place within my Natal Palace on a series of live feeds across my twelve monitors, with more screens springing into existence whenever a new pressing matter appears. Oddly calm despite my surging panic, I double click an icon I never really looked at before, a green shield with a silver outline and a white check-mark in the middle.

Antivirus. Nice.

My Natal Palace rumbles and shakes, but I am unperturbed, for I realize I have just activated the defences I didnt even know I had in place, or rather didnt realize served such a purpose. Rising out of my Natal Lake, the waterpark takes on new purpose as its multitude of water-jets and cannons unleash hell upon the invading Spectres. Those struck are washed away by the Cleansing properties of my Natal Lake, but even this is not enough to stymie the tide. Overhead, the wispy white clouds thicken and darken before bursting open in rainfall, soaking the Spectres who have thus far managed to avoid the projectiles, their presence eroding away before sheets of rain hammer down from above, but still the Spectres press on, leaving me unable to distinguish if their final screeches herald victory or defeat. Even with the deluge of water assailing them from all sides, the Spectres make their way to my condo windows in the blink of an eye, throwing themselves at the floor-to-ceiling glass and shaking the building around me, but the seemingly fragile material holds firm beneath their weighty assault.

What I need is a system like Zhen Shi had, where he parked his Soul to occupy his Throne with a keystone to help contain and control the Spectres. I assume my Soul would have to always be present to keep stray Spectres from seizing control, which I think is how Demonization works, though I should note that I think everyone else parks their soul on their Thrones 24/7, because thats usually where Ive found them. The problem is, Zhen Shis Soul seemed distracted at times, so Im guessing he had to focus on his Natal Palace to affect it. This means I would probably have to find Balance in order to do anything Soul related, which just seems like a huge hassle I could do without, especially considering I want to start farming Spectres. A Natal Soul would be much better suited for the job, as it would act as a buffer to Defilement and Demonization, as well as free up my real Soul for various other activities. So many activities and things Id need a Soul to do, like...

I dunno. Stuff. Things. It just feels right, okay? Why can I never just trust my gut?

This brings us back to the Baledagh dilemma, as I cannot trust a Natal Soul anymore, because when we get right down to it, I cant trust myself, which means I cant trust another version of myself, no matter how many fail safes I put in place. Fruit of the poisoned tree, as it were, tainted by affiliation with me, which means if I do want to make use of the Spectres, then I need a better solution.

...What if I went in an entirely different direction? I need a Natal Soul that is loyal, protective, kinda stupid, and wholly devoted to my well being, one to occupy my Throne and keep me safe from Spectres lies.

And I think I have the perfect candidate for the job.

A head pokes out from underneath my arm as my best friend emerges on my chair behind me, his big, brown, soulful eyes brimming with love and excitement. Tears spill down my cheeks as I gaze upon his familiar face, drawn from memories of a life Id long since forgotten, but still exist in my soul because he became a part of my very identity. This is the exception to the rule of inviolable souls, because they do mix when you love someone so much that they become a part of you. Thats how souls work, I know this the same way I know up from down and forward from back, a gut feeling that just feels right. The phrase I am a part of all that I have met comes to mind, which to me says that I am nothing without the people Ive met and experiences Ive encountered, a blank slate upon which life paints itself upon, a life lived in the company of others.

And this guy, my best friend, left more of a mark on me than most, a mark that transcends time and space, because true love knows no bounds.

Whos a good boy? I ask, touching my forehead to his and laughing as he slobbers all over my face. You are! Yes you are.

My dog responds with more kisses and uncontrollable tail wagging as he comes out from behind my back, where he used to always curl up for a nap even though he was almost too big to fit. I remember pushing through the pain of numbed legs just so I wouldnt disturb his nap, and his warm, comforting presence pressed up against me every night as I slept. I dont remember his name, but I could never forget his big, floppy ears or his beautiful brown eyes, and his adorable little underbite that sometimes catches the edge of his jowls and makes him look so fierce and silly. This dog was spoiled as could be, with all the toys and treats my meagre wallet could afford, and despite throwing money away on beds and cushions hed never use, I could never bring myself to blame him.

Because hes my dog, my best friend, and I love him so, to the point where he is still a part of who I am, even after transmigrating to another life.

...

Does this also mean I loved memes to the point where it became a part of who I am? Man, I mustve been a real loser in my past life...

Despite all the joy and happiness that stems from reuniting with my dog, I realize this is not the soul of my dog here with me in my Natal Palace. No, this is the part of his soul that he left with me, just as we all leave our marks on the people in our lives. I used to hate the taste of fish, but then Charok took the time to make a dish I enjoyed, and now I love so many different seafood dishes, even though I used to hate all seafood. I thought flying kites was boring, but then I started taking Lin-Lin and the twins out to play, and seeing them happy was enough for me to love kites too. Alsantset taught me the Forms, while Dad and Akanai helped me master them, so even though I love being lazy and doing nothing, every time I Demonstrate the Forms, I remember all the effort they went to just to help me improve, and it fills me with warmth and satisfaction.

And this sweet, silly, affectionate dog? He was everything to me, in my past life. I loved him like other people love their own children, and I could never forget him, not if I lived through a million lifetimes. I have other pets now too, and I love them as well, but a lot of my dissatisfaction with my floofs stems from the fact that none of them could ever be as loyal as this dog here.

Which is why I can trust him to guard my Throne in my absence.

Sliding off of the chair, I kneel and turn around to face my dog, his happy yips and tippy taps just exuding joy and contentment. Hey buddy, I say, and his ears perk up like he understands my words, even though I know hes only responding to the sound of my voice. What do you think about those guys out there? As I direct his attention towards the Spectres, the transformation is astonishing to behold, for my sweet, sleepy pupper curls his lips and growls at the invading Spectres. A single bark rings out and echoes throughout the Natal Palace, and the Spectres all cease to exist, mass Cleansed in an instant without the need for rain or water cannons. Knowing the risks they entailed, my dog wanted the Spectres gone, and it happened, Visualization and Intent made manifest in an instant. Along the way, he also repaired the windows and dispersed the storm clouds, but he left the water park in place, for reasons that soon become obvious.

Eyes wide and tail wagging, he looks up at me with expectant eyes. Play? he asks, not in so many words or emotions, but it is the same question he asks each and every day.

And only a monster would refuse such a good boy. Cmon Buddy, I say, straightening up and gesturing for him to follow as I settle on his new name. I dont remember his old one, but it wouldnt suit him regardless, because this isnt my dog, merely a recreation of him using the imprint he left on my soul, the same way I now suspect that Guai Guai isnt exactly Guan Suo reborn, but rather the living incarnation of the imprint he left on Ping Pings soul. Buddy is a fine name for my Natal Guardian though, and hes the best of boys, one with good instincts who will always be loving and loyal to a fault, a sweet, obedient, playful companion here to guard me from all threats, even if those threats stem from myself.

So I lost out on Spectre knowledge and shortcuts. Not the worst thing in the world, especially if Buddy thinks theyre bad juju. Then again, he also thinks squirrels are the devil, so Im not entirely sure if he made the right move, but regardless, Im better off with my dog than without him. Grinning as I watch him sniff and explore our surroundings, I feel my worries melting away like frost beneath the morning sun. I havent solved my problems yet, and I still have yet to determine where I will proceed from here, but all that can wait until after I take my dog for a walk and show him our new home.

This is my new life, Buddy. Youre gonna love it here.

Chapter Meme