Chapter 678

Chapter 678

Why am I here?

A question that has plagued me since I first opened my amber eyes and took in this strange and unfamiliar world, but right now, I am asking in a more direct sense, as in why am I here in the monastery, staring at the bare walls of my borrowed room instead of back in the Citadel where I belong. Well, Im here for answers, of which Ive received precious few. Not because the Brotherhood lacks answers, but because I am unable to ask my questions, questions which remained locked behind my inability to speak whole sentences. Things would be so much easier if I took a trip into someones Natal Palace, but I have no idea how to actually do that. Every single time Ive tried, its ended in complete failure, and those few successes I have under my belt were all the result of chance and happenstance. I didnt mean to slip into Dagens Natal Palace, much less Beis or Yo Lings, I just touched them and poof, I was there. I did intend to slip into Mahakalas Natal Palace, but I have no idea how I managed it. I just touched him and poof, I was there, without any real transition in between. It was the same with everyone else, though the circumstances differed slightly, with Dagen being under the influence of a Demonic dream attack, while with Bei and Yo Ling, I was dying from a shower of Demonic Ichor and being choked out respectively.

Now that I think about it, with Dagen and Mahakala, an argument could be made to say that their respective Natal Palaces were under assault, which was why I was able to make my way inside. As for Bei, shed turned Demon and was holding open house in her Natal Soul, while Yo Ling was taking audience with all those Spectres. All of them pretty much had their doors wide open, so I suppose that explains why I could just saunter right in, and also why I could never get into anyone elses Natal Palace, because they werent accepting visitors. In fact, thats probably how I got into Ping Pings Natal Palace too, because she loves having all her friends over for a visit, though Im not sure if her Natal Palace is still intact after her ascension to Divinity. As for Pong Pong, he is the sole flaw in my theory, as Im not entirely sure if the suspicious turtle wouldve just... let me in that first time I visited. In fact, I wasnt even trying to visit his Natal Palace that first time. I was trying to get into mine, and somehow, I slipped into his instead. No idea how that worked out, but I think Im onto something.

Much like Spectres need to be invited in for tea, I need to be invited in before I can visit someones Natal Palace, but the question is, how do I get one of the monks to invite me in or accept an invitation from me?

Prompted by an unvoiced thought, I turn around to find Mama Bun hopping a circuit around the edge of my bed much to Guai Guais grumpy chagrin, while Ping Ping pivots about to watch the show. Sitting atop her head, Pong Pong ignores their antics and watches me in quiet concern, radiating no Aura yet somehow embodying his emotions nonetheless. Noticing my attention, Mama Bun does one last hop and wiggles her entire body in mid-air before planting her feet after the landing. Staring at me with expectant eyes, she silently asks if its time to play, even though its night time and she should be getting ready to sleep. Then again, she did spend all day napping, so I suppose she isnt all that tired, though I have no idea why shes messed up her sleep schedule these past few weeks. Turning abruptly, Mama Bun hops over Guai Guai and slams her front paws on my pillow before facing me again, telling me to hurry up and lie down for some strange reason. Ive gotten a lot better at reading animal body language, or at least the body language of these specific animals, but they still dont make all that much sense. I thought Mama Bun wanted to play, so why is she telling me to sleep?

Whatever. Animals be animals. You know what? I might as well sleep on all this. Song is concerned about the Western Wall and Shuai Jiao seizing power, but honestly, what does she expect me to do about it? In fact, so long as the Marshals and other Colonel Generals are okay with taking orders, Im sure Shuai Jiao will do a far better job than I ever could, especially if Luo-Luo didnt care enough to contest the decision. The man is a decorated Colonel General with more years of experience than I have years alive, and thats probably counting my first life too. Everything I know and hear about him tells me Shuai Jiao is a humble and honourable man who serves his country with distinction, so if he thinks the Defiled raids are of no consequence, then who am I to argue otherwise? Im sure he wont leave the Districts out to dry and will see to it that the citizens living there are moved somewhere safe, but while it stings to see all my hard work undone, a blow to my pride is a small price to pay to keep people alive.

Crawling into bed with a yawn, I settle in as Ping Ping, Guai-Guai, and Mama Bun find the most comfortable spots to rest, while Pong Pong slips into Mama Buns embrace. Pulling the rough, scratchy blanket up to my chin, I rub my cheeks against soft bunny fur, scratchy red panda whiskers, and smooth turtle skin with a sigh as we all sink into the soothing darkness of the Void, where peaceful happy dreams await us.

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Theres clearly something wrong with my soul, which is why I forget everything that takes place in my Natal Palace every night, but Im beginning to think theres something wrong with my brain as well, something not even Panacea can fix. I am an idiot, one beyond all redemption, because somehow, despite all the seemingly obvious clues laid out before me, I still have yet to even suspect something is amiss with what happens when I sleep. I dont understand it, even Song and Lin-Lin have noticed, because they stopped letting me monopolize all the floofs every night. I guess because Im happier now than I was when I first returned to consciousness, so they no longer see a need to give up on their floofy cuddles, but somehow my conscious self didnt even notice the change.

Gotta say, I kinda miss curling up with so many bun-buns at once, but Lin-Lin seems intent on making up for lost time through sheer quantity of floofs. A woman after my own heart, and I love her too much to fight her for floofs, so the way forward is clear: I need more floofs.

Not really, but whats with my attitude out there? Song straight up told me the Western Wall has come under attack, and my response was to sleep on it? I mean, I guess I wasnt wrong when I figured Shuai Jiao would have things under control, but dammit... I spent so much coin building districts and training militias, an investment which is now completely wasted. Lets not forget the costs of getting all the civilians to safety, because without military support, the districts dont stand a chance against even a small Defiled raiding party. Why didnt my idea work? Eight to ten Aura-Capable officers commanding a hundred soldiers and two to three thousand militia shouldve been able to hold out against hundreds of Defiled raiders. I ran the numbers with Luo-Luo and had Jian Xianhe double check them, so there should be more than enough soldiers around to fulfill those requirements with plenty left to man the Western Wall. Whats more, the intermediary barracks/training stations shouldve been operational by now, meaning there would be soldiers nearby to reinforce the Districts anyways, so what went wrong?

This is my wounded pride speaking now, and while conscious me had it right in thinking it was a small price to pay, I would still rather not have to pay it unless absolutely necessary. My plans should have worked, so unless Song left something out, then something is amiss in the outer provinces. Could Shuai Jiao be a hidden proponent of big military, one who has no desire to see the common people seize power from the nobility? No, itd make more sense if he wanted to spare them from the bloodshed that lies ahead. Once the common people realize they have fangs, they will be eager to use them against those who wronged them, and while my crossbows are a great equalizer, they alone are not enough to overturn the Empire. While I dont have a specific date as to when someone first tried attaching a bow to a stock, crossbows have been around for a long time, and Im sure other people have tried this before. Didnt Song once mention a Grand Marshal trying to assassinate the Emperor with one? I cant remember.

Regardless, the true key to revolution is literacy, because only then will the common people have a voice. Personal journals, newspaper articles, literary observations, or even everyday record keeping, literacy will open up a treasure trove of information for the common people to wield against their oppressors. Not only that, but literacy is the first step on the path of education, and an educated populace is a more valuable populace, because they can contribute in more ways than mere muscle. There will always be a need for miners, coolies, sailors, construction workers, and other types of manual labour, but literate commoners could also become clerks, bankers, quartermasters, doctors, and more. With literacy, this also opens up paths to more skilled workers down the line, as one can learn a trade from a book and personal experimentation as opposed to relying solely on apprenticeships, which is most effective if you find yourself a skilled tradesmen who is also a good teacher, but how often do you find those?

Bah. Why am I getting so heated about this? I keep dreaming about saving the world and making it a better place, but chances are, I will live and die without having changed a thing. Thats just life, trials and tribulations without end, and while my best chance to enact change was as Legate of the Outer Provinces, Im not in any condition to take command. Unless Im ready to bite the bullet and let Panacea fix my Core as a subpar solution, I should stop bitching about things I cant affect and focus on my recovery. Honestly, I dont really know why Im so averse to letting the Heavens or whatever fix all my woes, aside from the fact that I know it will be an inferior solution and that I can do better.

Or maybe its because I dont trust the Heavens not to screw me over and saddle me with some massive drawback. Oh hey, we fixed everything that was wrong with you, but its a brand new Core so you gotta start from the beginning again. Tee hee. Sounds exactly like what the Heavens would do, which is why I rejected all their bullshit in the first place and set out to make my own Path. Technically, all Martial Warriors forge their own paths, but perspective matters. I mean to do things my way, and even if I fail, then better to fail pursuing my own goals rather than find success solely through Insight without comprehension. Thats not personal preference either, thats Insight giving me the facts straight, that most Martial Warriors fail to progress due to lacking comprehension.

The way I see it, its like getting a new computer. I could take the easy way and buy a prebuilt computer, but I always liked to build my own, because then I knew everything I put in was suited to my needs. My computers werent necessarily better or even cheaper than prebuilts, but they were uniquely mine and that meant something.

You know, now that I think about it, Im probably not too far off the mark with my fears regarding the easy solution either. Not with my personification of the Heavens or the Mother Above, but with my reluctance to accept the default fix. If the Natal Palace sits within the Core, and I crafted my Natal Palace while my Core was shattered, then my massive Natal Palace might well be the reason for the disconnect between my mind, body, and soul. Previously, I always felt my limits approaching whenever my Natal Palace grew too... not large, not dense, but too... ponderous for my Core, and then I could build no more, but since I built this Natal Palace separate from my Core, I never learned what those limits were. In short, its like Im trying to squeeze my body into a tux fitted for a leaner, shorter, version of myself and complaining about a lack of circulation. My soul is just not the right match for my Core, and the easy solution would be to lose weight, meaning shave my soul down until it fits.

On the other hand, I suppose if I wait long enough, my Core will eventually grow large enough to fit this Natal Palace inside, which might well be an acceptable solution if I wasnt so pressed for time. I could always tear my current Natal Palace down as a test to see if my theory is right, but I feel like that would be a path of no return. Out here, I have easy access to Insight which is why Im able to come up with answers out of nowhere, but once my soul and Natal Palace are all tucked back inside my Core, Ill lose that connection to Insight and might not be able to separate from my Core again, and given how Shen ZhenWu said I seemed diminished after my first Natal Palace remodelling effort, I get the feeling that a smaller Natal Palace is bad for Martial Strength.

Thats plenty of food for thought, but first... its playtime with Mama Bun, Ping Ping, and Pong Pong. Balance is important, and Ive made them wait long enough. A shame Guai Guai cant join us yet, but he is technically still a baby, so I guess his soul isnt up to the task yet. Maybe. I dunno.

The three sweet animals make their delight known as they appear within my Natal Palace, and we spend hours playing in the water park I had built for this very purpose. We have the Launcher, which lobs the rider and a globe of water from one end of the lake to the other. Then theres the Riptide Causeway, where you lean back and let the currents take you for a thrilling ride, the Tsunami Surge, which creates giant tidal waves to ride around, and the Jet-Set Stream, which is like one of those display fountains that shoots up streams of water in aesthetic patterns, only cranked up to eleven and powerful enough to carry us high up into the air.

Yes, I understand having all these attractions and more makes it more difficult for my Natal Palace to reintegrate with my Core, but playtime is vital to my recovery. After years of stress and hard work, I am finally remembering how to relax again, and playing with Ping Ping, Pong Pong, and Mama Bun is a big part of it. Balance in all things, right? Song and Happy are worried that Im too focused on the good vibes and forgetting the bad, but what they dont know is I Devoured a whole bunch of bad juju back in the Citadel, in the form of my Negative Nancy Natal Souls which I unleashed upon the world once I ran out of good vibes to sever. Granted, I have no idea how to even know when Ive Balanced out all the good and bad, because its not like I have an internal counter measuring the two. Its more of a feeling Im looking for, one I may or may not have experienced before, but until I find it, I wont know how Im supposed to feel, which means I need to keep looking until I find it.

Or you know... find someone to guide me in the right direction, which is really why Im here in the first place.

My conscious mind was on the right track, but too fixated on inviting the monks in. Cant I just go find a monk and ask for an invitation from them?

Errrk-uh-erk-eh-errrrrrrrr!

Bolting upright to a chorus of animal groans, I soothe Mama Bun, Guai Guai, and even sweet Ping Ping as I slip out of bed, so tired it feels as if I didnt get a single wink of shut eye. Its just one of those days, when you sleep all night and still wake up tired, a bad start by any measure. Pong Pong wouldnt understand, as hes an early riser by nature, likely off in the closest body of water having himself a solitary splash. The little guy is a steadfast friend and loves his new family, but its hard to shake habits formed over countless centuries of solitude so quickly.

As for me, I would like nothing more than to lay back down in bed and snuggle with my floofs, but I am struck by a sudden urge to nap with Kukku too. I bet the big cutie is soft and sweet, though I shudder to think how loud his morning calls will be if lying right next to him. Then again, I suppose that makes this the perfect opportunity since he only screeches once every morning, so I set out with purpose to find him.

Naaran stops me at the door with a tired, disapproving frown and points back inside the room, directing my attention to the clothes I left behind. Somehow, I feel like this isnt the first time Ive tried to march out in my night-clothes, and I doubt itll be the last, yet my cheeks still warm with embarrassment as I head back inside to change.

Dressed up and ready for my nap, I head out into the courtyard and stop in place, because my belly rumbles and I smell dumplings. Delicious vegetarian dumplings filled with radish, tofu, garlic, peanuts, scallions, shallots, chives, celery, and so much more. Theyre a veritable cornucopia of greens that make for an explosion of flavour, and I dont know how I ever lived without them. Even the dumpling wrappers are different, not just plain wheat dough, but a stickier, chewier, almost transparent wrapper that is just heavenly to bite into, and the chili sauce is just the perfect mixture of sweet, savoury, and spicy, hot enough to sting but not overpower the dumplings explosion of flavours.

And thats just one dish the chefs will be serving. Honestly, vegetarian life aint as bad as I thought.

Yea... my nap can wait until after breakfast.

With my belly full and appetite gorged, I step out into the courtyard again and feel sleepiness coming on. Though I could just head back to my room, or even find some shade in the courtyard, I fixate on the idea of napping with Kukku, only it occurs to me that I dont know where the big rooster sleeps. Not in the monastery, thats for sure, because hes never here in the morning or evenings, only early afternoon. From what Jorani told me, the rooster lives in a cave nearby, the same cave Gang Shu and the others were hidden away in back when they first tried to contact the Abbot. What direction the cave is in, he never said, nor did I ever think to ask, but I suppose I could try and ask him now.

The man in question is taking a seat in the courtyard, stretching as he settles down into a cross-legged posture, but before I reach his side, Monk Happy starts up a rhythm on his fish drum and the monks all get to chanting. Jorani too, and I feel like it would be rude to interrupt, so I make my way to Songs side and greet the floofs instead. At her inquisitive stare, I realize Ive been chanting along, but I have no idea why. It just feels right to drone along, though I cant hit those lows like the monks can, and I can only say that the chant is soothing and refreshing, even though I have no idea what any of it means. I believe its an affirmation of all their beliefs, but spoken in a language only the Brotherhood knows, and I can only guess this much because the meaning has been ingrained into every syllable and inflection of the chant, so much so that I can almost understand it as well as Emotional Aura. Yet another secret the Brotherhood refuses to share, as I suspect the chants have something to do with their remarkable strength, but then again, I suspect everything they do has ties to that. Its not entirely fair, as they do not pursue strength, and it is merely a byproduct of their Path, one made all the more difficult by their vows and beliefs.

Still though. Itd be nice if they were more forthcoming with their secrets. Thats why Im here right? So they can help me get better, but Song told me that Monk Happy said no one in the Brotherhood knows how to help me, save for the Abbot who is currently indisposed. Its a real shame, but Im beginning to think this is a dead end, and I have no idea where to go next. Back to the Citadel maybe? But then Ill be back where I started, and thats no good.

A soft headbutt interrupts my thoughts and I am delighted to see Jimjam before me, his eyes wide and shoulders slouched as he shyly asks for a cuddle. The Arid Wastes is filled with all manner of big nasties, and I think he just scented one in the wind and is here looking for comfort. Whatever beastie it mightve been, Im unable to find it, but I am more than happy to accept a rare cuddle from Jimjam. Hugging the wildcat tight, I bury my face into his fur and stroke his neck and flanks, all while radiating an Aura of calm reassurance. Dont worry silly kitty, I tell him in not so many words. Ill keep you safe, no matter what.

The wildcat visibly relaxes in my arms, but he does not break off the embrace, but soon, I find myself drifting off to sleep despite having just woken up. No matter. Might as well take a short nap before my session with the monks, not that itll do any good. Maybe I should go back to the Citadel. Even if I cant take command, Im sure Luo-Luo could find some way to use me to boost morale or something, though Ill have to try and rein myself in and keep from embarrassing myself or my office. Either way, its a decision best left for later, because despite knowing the monks admitted to being unable to help me, I feel like I still have some unfinished business here. Maybe its with the Defiled, who are building their new home with Joranis help, though I worry about him sometimes. The monks set someone to guard him, but who knows if theyll save him in time, especially from their hulking, pregnant amazon of a Chieftain. Things almost boiled over yesterday, but luckily I got there in time to keep things from escalating too far, because even if Jorani had the Chieftain subdued, Im not sure he couldve handled the rest of the tribe.

Then again, most of the Defiled were feeling more amused than anything, or at least thats the vibe I got. Leave it to Jorani to make friends with Defiled tribesmen; the man has courage and charisma in spades.

Thats probably why I want to stay, or maybe Im hoping the Abbot makes a miraculous recovery. Then again, beholden to my whims as I am, theres a good chance I dont want to go back to the Citadel because I know heavy responsibilities await me, or maybe I just want to take a nap with Kukku. Who knows. Either way, Im too tired to make up my mind right now, so Im gonna cuddle Jimjam and take a nap.

This isnt half bad, life as a Penitent Brother. I could get used to this.

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Mother in Heaven, why am I such an idiot?

Settling into my bed with a sigh, I go back to whispering subconscious thoughts into my own head. Its ironic, but it appears I have now become my own Spectre, guiding myself to do things I need to do, while my conscious self is beholden to his whims.

Hey... is it possible to... I dunno... possess myself, like Spectres possess a host, and tap into Heavenly Energy that way to reforge my body? I mean... I cant say Im not tempted to try, because I would really love me some transforming bear arms or maybe a few extra inches in various places, but somehow, I suspect it wont turn out as expected. Theres no knowing if itll work without doing it live, so I suppose I should stick that idea in my back pocket and try the safe way first.

Find Kukku. Nap with Kukku. Hug that rooster and cuddle him like you mean it. Do it.

...This is my life now. What happened? I used to be Legate of the Outer Provinces, and now Im trying to convince myself to sleep with a rooster, on the off-chance I can use said rooster to contact the Abbot. Such is life, trials and tribulations without end, though I suppose some trials are weirder than others. Ill try this out for a few more days, and if it doesnt work, then I suppose I should head back to the Citadel and see how things are there, then decide if I want to keep holding out for the right answers or cut my losses and try the quick fix. Either way, I need to concentrate now, because theres a rooster out there, and I mean to cuddle him.

...Its weird that my path to recovery requires I snuggle with a giant rooster, but if it works, it works. Praise to the Heavens, and all the mysteries within, or as Monk Happy would say, Eh-Mi-Tuo-Fuo.

Chapter Meme