Chapter 442

Chapter 442

Congratulations!

Being the incessant pessimist that I am, my happiness for Songs advancement along the Martial Path is overshadowed by the overt reminder of the massive rut Im stuck in. It seems like everybody is progressing in these recent months while Im just sitting here labelling gourds. So very many water gourds, theyve become symbolic of my past and recent issues. Gotta keep track of the gourds like I keep track of secrets, terminology, information, and more. Gotta find ways to carry and utilize the gourds, like I need to learn how to best use my soldiers and keep them alive. Need to protect the gourds from Ping Ping and Pong Pong, like I need to protect my friends, family, soldiers, and the people of the Empire from external and internal threats. I need to collect the gourds, think of ways to improve upon the gourds, set time aside to study the gourds, put Chi into the gourds, the list goes on, but Ive run out of gourd-related metaphors to fixate on.

Long story short, Im beginning to loathe the word gourd. At first, I thought it was fun to say, but if I never see another gourd in this life, then I could die a happy man.

Head held high in quiet celebration, Song exudes tranquil pride and graceful dignity following her successful entry into the world of Experts, a grand goal or milestone for every Martial Warrior in existence. After a long silence, she slumps down in Erdenes harness with a tired smile, drained from her efforts but glowing with contentment. I did it, she says, as if to confirm it once more, her tail curling and cat-ears aflutter. I finally did it. Thank you, Rain.

I didnt do a thing, you accomplished this with hard work and dedication. Happiness looks good on Song, her usual stony demeanour nowhere to be found, and my heart skips a beat as I stare into her emerald green eyes. So lovely, but they also remind me of the emerald-studded necklace worn around my neck, a chain which gives me complete control over the beautiful, vulnerable woman riding beside me. Absolute power is absolutely horrifying, because even though I know it would be unequivocally evil to do so, the temptation to use said power is almost overwhelming. Not only for sex, though Ill admit it features prominently in my idle daydreams and the Spectres overtures, but the appeal of having someone in my life who will always stand by my side is almost too much to resist.

Calling me anti-social would be putting it lightly, but I avoid interaction because its so exhausting and worrisome. There are so many subtle cues to read into and social niceties to adhere to that I work myself into a stupor trying to keep up with something as simple as a passing greeting. Was I too brusque and unfriendly? Should I have stopped to chat? Did I remember to smile? Do I smell bad? These are the questions which run through my mind as I walk away from a brief chance encounter, and the questions only multiply the longer the encounter lasts. With Song, I would never have to worry about any of those things because I could ask and tell her to answer honestly without trying to spare my feelings.

How many people in the world can claim they have someone they can trust without question, no matter the circumstances? Precious few, Id imagine. As much as I love Lin, Yan, and Mila, if I walked into a room and found them sitting naked in bed with a dozen similarly naked men, Im not sure Id believe them if they said, This isnt what it looks like. Not that I expect anything like that to ever happen, but as history has proven, I am paranoid and mentally unstable, so I worry about all manner of stupid things. With Song, so long as I had her necklace, my trust and abandonment issues would no longer be a problem, albeit at the steep cost of throwing away my moral convictions.

And despite knowing it would make me a monster, Im still tempted to do it, so what does this make me?

Great. Now Im spiralling into depression. Thanks brain. You suck.

One good thing to come of this was our little heart to heart about Baledagh. By the time I realized what I was Sending, it was already too late to take back, but rather than fear, I felt... relieved. Finally, I had someone I could confide in, someone who I could implicitly trust to tell me the unvarnished truth, and Songs reaction was one I never expected. Complete and utter nonchalance, as if my confession of mental illness didnt matter in the slightest. She held my hand and took everything in stride while I explained Baledaghs greatest hits, then when everything was said and done, she said she was happy I was better. Simple as that, and words cannot express how reassuring her lack of reaction was.

Sigh. I may very well have fallen in love with Song. Do I fall in love too easily? Probably, yea. Lin was smart to put a limit on the number of wives Im allowed, and even smarter to include Song from the start. Then again, though shes come a long way since we first met, I doubt Song will ever reciprocate my feelings, especially considering her history of abuse. If she knew how I felt, itd probably terrify her to no end, so I do what I do best and repress all the emotions and stick them in a deep, dark corner of my mind, where they will invariably slip out when I least expect it and plague me for many restless nights to come.

Overall, Id say todays events have put me in an okay mood. Sure, my inferiority complex is going full throttle and now I have to deal with unrequited love, but I got a big weight off my chest and gained the confidence to really tell the rest of my family about Baledagh and stuff. I still dont think I can talk about my past lifes memories, because the mere thought literally leaves me paralyzed with fear, but coming clean about my mental illness is better than nothing. Ive been putting it off for so long because Im afraid of losing everything, but thanks to Song, I think Im finally ready to take the plunge and tell my family.

Soon as were all together. For real this time, Im not saying it to buy time. I mean it.This chapter is updated by nov(e)(l)biin.com

The Defiled stopped attacking, right? Its like that in Sinuji too, two battle-free days while today marks the third, though Colonel Hongji says the other outposts along the front lines are still seeing plenty of Defiled. I thought the Enemy might be mustering for a concentrated push, so I set out with my scouts to see if anyone needed help.

Shaking his head, BoShuis grin fades into a frown. The Enemy didnt merely stop attacking, they retreated. Three nights back, my retinue was embroiled in the thick of battle, a night attack as per usual. Leaning in close, he whispers, They outnumbered us ten to one and we were tired to boot, which means they had us dead to rights. Then... I dont know. They all stopped and stared east, right in the middle of battle, then after a few seconds, they broke and ran, howling in what I swear was fear. I was so shocked, I didnt even give the order to pursue. Instead, we broke camp and marched through the night, moving off of our assigned route because I wasnt sure what terrified the Defiled so. Ive never seen them run scared except when...

BoShui's voice trails off as he shoots me a quizzical look, silently asking if I had something to do with the Enemy rout. Its ridiculous how much he admires me, as if I couldve somehow pulled his ass out of the fire from such a vast distance away, though Ill admit hes one of the few people whove figured out theres something about me which causes the Defiled to rout, and the only one I know about whos not in my retinue. I try not to Devour Spectres until the battle is almost over if there are other people present, but BoShui thinks Im the Mothers gift to the Empire and naturally assumed it was my handiwork. Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I say, Two nights ago, I was already back in Sinuji and enjoying a nice cold bath. Whatever scared the Defiled off, it wasnt me. Even as I deny responsibility, a cold wave of realization washes over me as I establish the timeline. You said it was a night attack, yea? When exactly did they flee?

About an hour after midnight, he replies, carefully watching my expression, which makes it awkward when the blood drains from my face. The reaction is all he needs to confirm his suspicions, and he merely smiles and nods before looking away, content to let me keep my secrets while doing the Mothers work. Ill have to do something about his hero-worship, but now isnt the time, because I think I know why the Defiled broke and ran.

An hour after midnight should be around the same time I learned to Devour Heavenly Energy and turn it into Chi, a process which shocked the Spectres into literally freezing in fear. Despite not knowing what any of it meant, I had a good laugh about it the next morning, thinking Id somehow 404d the Spectres and crashed their OS, but now, its not so funny anymore. Is the timing a coincidence, or did my actions scare away the Defiled as well? Thats impossible, right? Am I being arrogant in assuming my actions could affect the Enemys overall movements? Besides, no one in camp noticed I was doing anything, aside from Guan Suos complaints about me displaying Purity, and Im almost completely sure there were no free floating Spectres around to spread the news, so maybe the Defiled retreat has nothing to do with my new Chi gathering method.

I hope so, because otherwise, it means Ive done something so terrible, even the Enemy wants nothing to do with me. I am become Death, the Devourer of Spectres. And Heavenly Energy, I guess, but that doesnt sound as cool. Orgaal and Lei Gong are of no help whatsoever, both sharing the opinion of Defiled be crazy, meaning its pointless to guess their motives, but while most soldiers of the Empire feel the same way, I think thats a shortsighted approach. Know your enemy and whatnot, though to be fair, its hard to understand crazy.

I should know, being crazy and all. Then again, if I know Im crazy, am I still crazy?

Mouth dry with fear, I reach for my water skin only to find Id left it behind, though at least I have a bunch of gourds to drink from. Only after draining one dry do I notice Ping Pings dismal squeak, because I just drank a gourd filled with counterfeit Heavenly Water. Seeing how there are no Defiled or Demons to test things out on, I give two gourds to Pong Pong and the rest to the big girl while BoShui's people settle into the wagons, ones brought expressly for this purpose. Brimming with nervous energy, I bury my face in Mama Buns fur as we head back for Sinuji and do my best not to panic.

The Defiled and Spectres are terrified by what Ive done, but again, is that really so terrible?

Its not, right? This is a good thing.

...

So why am I so unsettled?

Chapter Meme