Chapter 176 - I want to make love to you.

|Innnaya|

Do I get a moment to admire the man sitting opposite me on the same bed?

How did I get so lucky? The more he spoke, the more privileged it made me feel. Listening to him, I couldn't help but think about my fear. Was there any need to feel afraid before this man? If he could hold such deeper understanding, would he ever hurt me?

No.

"I would not force you into doing something which you don't want. That's why we're taking things slow. Until today, I did not feel my desires clouding my mind. Watching you only in that towel," he paused a bit before continuing again, "I lost control. I'm sorry if it frightened you. But know that I won't hurt you in the slightest. I won't lie; I want to make love to you. I want to know you inside and out."

How could he maintain a serious face with all that talking? My face must have turned red by only hearing him say all kinds of things. Did he want to make love to me? Ah! Where do I hide my face?

Although I wanted to run away, I wanted to hear more. Was I being controlled by someone? This wasn't me. I wasn't so bold to sit still throughout what Eshan's spoke.

Eshan unfolded his hands across his chest and brought his right hand to my face. I curiously tilted my head along with my eyes. I thought he would cup my face, so I waited.

I waited, but his hand never touched my face, instead, he dropped his hand by my side. I frowned.

"What are your thoughts, Innaya?"

He did not use any endearments, I noticed. It made me feel as if something was amiss. However, his question put me in the spotlight.

What did I want? It was not that I not knew. One day or another, we had to consummate our marriage. For healthy marital relationsh.i.p.s, both emotional, and physical intimacies mattered. In the future, we would have kids. Kids weren't going to get dropped from heavens. Of course, we had to work for that. This matter wasn't something that could be avoided.

Was both of us going to be celibate for all our life?

No. Then, what I would do?

I breathed deeply, organizing my thoughts. 'If we are talking, then I very well try and open up as well.'

"I don't know, Eshan. Before you came to my life, I wasn't going to get married. So, I had never considered this matter. After our marriage, this topic didn't come. That pushed everything at the back of my mind. I knew one day or other; it was going to happen, naturally. This is not something we can avoid for our whole life." I wet my lower lip. I needed water to moisten my dry throat.

Why was talking about this topic getting a little awkward? Toes of my feet curled up under the sheets, digging into the mattress. Somehow, as I talked, I failed to grasp the words leaving my mouth.

"I know, s.e.x is not at all about only fulfilling bodily needs. There are tons of materials on it, which I haven't read. I only know all this because when

I would search the ways to deal with my mental health issues, this topic would always pop in the searches." I stopped talking when I realized how easily I shared something with him. My words were a little brazen for my own liking.

Who would have thought I would be talking about s.e.x, needs with Eshan so soon. It was abrupt. I hadn't had the chance to prepare myself for it.

I wasn't lying. How good s.e.x with your partner, which wasn't about only doing the deed, helped people with dealing with their issues. I had read a couple of articles on that. I just never thought I would someday be considering that option. I averted my eyes to Eshan's covered feet.

"Do you have any memories holding you back about this?" Eshan asked. I heard the caution in his voice.

I frowned. Why would he ask this? Did he think my father assaulted, and abused me in that way? It would have been good if he had not asked this. Because his question caused some blurred memories to resurface in my mind.

With horror, my eyes snapped to his? Was he considering the possibility of me being assaulted in my childhood? Once the weight of his question dawned on me I could not help but tremble.

My trembling had nothing to do with what he thought about me. It took birth from the question. I recalled the strange voices and cries coming from my father's bedroom. At that time, I was too small to understand, what would happen in that room when my father would take that woman in.

It was later when I grew up that I understood.

It was too disgusting for me to know, that my own father in his own house in front of his daughter dared to do such a thing. It had made me extremely disgusted.

Until he asked me, I had not considered that possibility. Neither did my therapist mention that. Maybe, at that time I was a child, who forgot many things from her past. Many things that were forgotten at that time, stayed at the back of my mind without disappearing. They would make their presence known when triggered.

I never truly realized how much those were affecting me from within.

Suddenly a memory caused my breath to hitch in my throat. I had almost forgotten about it, but it seemed like it was not the case.

I had accidentally watched my father advancing on that woman. I was going to the kitchen for fetching water when I had seen something that I shouldn't have. I did not receive any punishment for it at that time because they both hadn't seen me. However, from my position, I had seen my father's bare back as he was hugging that woman. Same shrieks, sounds had been coming from them as I had silently retreated.

I felt disgusted after I recalled that scene. Why were there gaps in my memories? When I thought my father couldn't fall any lower, I would be proved wrong.

I truly was unfortunate.

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