Chapter 170 - Overcoming the cynophobia

|Innaya|

Until you experience something, you would not know what emotions it would bring to you. Because of my cynophobia, I always stayed away from dogs. Touching them, being near to them was never any possibility happening in my life.

So, today when I actually put my fingers on Fortune's fur, I realized what I was missing. It was not how his hair felt under my fingertips rather the happiness that radiated from his face. I never knew dogs could smile or laugh. Witnessing look of pure elation on Fortune's face had me brave up and caress his head.

Casting aside my reservations, I inched closer and brought my other hand down on his front, scratching the area of his chest lightly. I had seen Eshan doing that to Fortune.

I paused when he flipped. I was startled for a moment and both my hands hung mid-air. I did not know what to do. Didn't he like me petting him?

Reality proved that I was worrying unnecessarily. Fortune seemed to like that for he turned on his back, facing belly upwards pulling his four paws in all sort of directions. His tail wagged endlessly. However, his expressions turned sad when I did not move at all staring at him puzzled.

The light in his eyes dimmed down.

"Do you like it?" I frowned as I asked.

Maybe, as if he understood what I was saying for he tilted his head and his eyes went to my hands. I had an impulse to laugh out aloud. I did it. I improved and overcame my fears so easily.

For years, I had hidden away never daring to face my cynophobia. I knew first-hand what fear could do to you. For the majority of my life, the animal I most hated and feared was now the harmless creature in my eyes. Truly, you wouldn't understand until you take a risk and experience. For chasing away the demons, one needed to face them.

I smiled, and gradually that smile turned to laughter as I continued rubbing, caressing and scratching Fortune. His face returned to that of happiness as he let me do whatever I wanted.

Suddenly an idea struck me. I wanted to share this news with Eshan. I wanted to let him know that I had fought with my fear and defeated it. I wanted him to be the first person to know that.

With one hand, I kept rubbing his chest while stretching my other hand I pulled my phone from the sofa.

I grinned imaging Eshan's expressions. He would never believe that I could come closer to any dog ever. How could I forget how much panicked he was when I had gotten a panic attack once we stepped foot in the Mumbai. The incidence with that street dog in front of ice- cream stall was something we both could not forget.

Later when Arjun had brought Fortune at that time also I had been scared. How could he believe me if I only told him? I needed to show him the proof. Firstly, I decided to record the moment. I wanted to believe this as well. Hence, I recorded a five-minute-long video of this priceless moment.

I would always cherish this moment for my life. It held so much significance for me. It might be nothing for people, but for me, it was already a big deal. One needs to ask the people who overcame their fears about how they feel; the answer would be simple that they can't explain. Sometimes words would fail you to express your emotions. It was better to live the moment.

After I was done with recording the video instead of a voice call I started a video call to Eshan. I wanted him to see it with his own eyes.

The first call went unanswered. That did not dampen my mood.

While redialing his number I couldn't keep the smile away from my lips. When my three calls went unanswered, I started to frown. He must be at the meeting. I consoled myself. However, for some reason, my heart ached as if something was not right.

Why would I suddenly feel sad for no apparent reason? I was happy a moment ago, but my mood flipped out of nowhere.

I lost my interest in playing with Fortune. Despite the happiness and sense of accomplishment, I had felt early, this time there was a tinge of restlessness growing from within.

Giving one last rub to Fortune's head I stood up.

"We'll continue later," I said to him. It was the start of our friendship. I hoped with the time, our bond would grow stronger. We had time; we could work on this later. For now, I wanted the restlessness to leave me alone.

On top of that restlessness, Eshan's not answering the call made me worried. On the surface, it was no big deal. He could be in the restroom or the meeting. There were literally several reasons why he did not receive my call. And, I understood it as well.

"Stop overthinking. He'll call back once he sees the missed calls." I pacified myself. There was nothing else I could do other than that.

I decided to first take a second shower for the day, and then start cooking the dinner. This way, I could temporarily distract myself.

***

Standing under the shower, I let the water wash down my worries and thoughts. My thoughts could wander in any direction without my permission. I did not want to start worrying about anything. Because when my mind acted on its own, there was nothing good coming out of it.

My PTSD made me more vulnerable to even small matters. Perhaps it wasn't just my PTSD. We as human were more attentive to our emotions, letting them drive our consciousness. The outcome was sometimes good or bad, depending upon how we perceived it.

However, it was not good to be always controlled by our emotions. We needed to take control of them, rather than letting then control us. Maybe, it was because of my past, but my emotions overpowered my senses many times.

I had paid a heavy price because of it. I had almost lost my relationship. At that my fears, my past, and my emotions, ruled my mind, clouding my senses. This time, just the way I worked on my fear of dogs, I wanted to work on my emotions as well. I would not let them dictate my life and muddle my head forever.

I would fight hard to shove away monsters of uncertainty away. This time for Eshan I was willing to work hard. I would not drag him down.

Firming my resolve, I turned off the shower. Wrapping my body with the towel, I exited the bathroom. As Eshan wasn't home, I dared to come out only in a white towel wrapped around my body. Aside from Fortune, and me, there wasn't anyone in the home. Was there any need to feel conscious then?

No.

However, nothing could have prepared me for the sight of the man seating on the bed in our bedroom.

***

Unedited :-(