Chapter 65 - I ruined everything

|Innaya|

Something was off, I deduced from the unexplainably weirdly silent home and spotting Eshan at home. I tilted my wrist to watch the time. It was three in the afternoon. He was supposed to be at work. How come, was he back so early?

I was dragged to the mall by Siya, and we spent hours while Siya was trying and confirming several outfits. I didn't inform Eshan for I thought he must be busy at work. Besides, I knew I would be home before him, but I was surprised to find him home.

I walked in, closing the door behind me. I smiled at Eshan who was in the kitchen, pouring water in a glass, but he looked too lost to acknowledge my presence. Before I could keep my bags on the couch in the main hall and proceed towards him, he had already made his way upstairs.

What? He didn't even spare me a glance? That wasn't Eshan. That couldn't be Eshan. I was baffled at the scenario. Never before, I had to deal with his ignorance, but then, I was quick enough to realize that perhaps, he hadn't seen me in the first place to ignore.

His lost expression flashed before my eyes again and again. He was tensed but for what? The day was just another normal day. He was fine in the morning. Could it be some matter of the office? I wondered before I quickly freshened up in the guest room right beside the kitchen, prepared tea for him, poured it in his mug, and headed towards our room.

When I reached near the door of our room, I was met with another unusual sight. Eshan was standing near the balcony with his phone in his hand. He was listening to a poignant song.

Eshan wasn't fond of sad songs. He would move to somewhere else if he heard it playing where he was, and that was when I knew – something was severely wrong.

*

"Do you want me to go?" Eshan and I had been sitting in our room for almost half an hour – in silence. He had never been that quiet with me earlier.

I had never seen him as disturbed as I did, that day. Though one could argue that it had been just a couple of months since we were known of each other's existence but then, we shared a different understanding, and it was a little too deep for people who were still exploring each other.

He stayed quiet and I decided to take it as a hint to leave him alone though a part of me refused to but who better than I knew that at times, one must be given the needed space.

I rose on my feet from the bed and was about to show myself the exit when I felt his grip on my wrist, and I sat back wordlessly.

"I am sorry."

Hearing his apology made me feel guilty. Perhaps, he thought that his silence was affecting me, and I wouldn't lie – it indeed was affecting me but not in a way he thought. He had got me worried. I grew even more concerned, watching a teardrop fall on my hand that was still in his hold.

"Eshan, please," I shifted a little closer to him. My hand reached to his cheek almost as a reflex, wiping his cheek. "You've always been there for me. This time, let me do that for you. Please, tell me what's bothering you."

He had always comforted me in need.

He had always stayed without even asking for.

He had done a lot for me.

It was my time to do something for him.

"I was watching a movie. The couple in the movie was irrevocably in love with each other but one misunderstanding… and, they were pulled apart from each other… forever."

'Oh, what?' He took me by surprise. Had he not told me, I would have never been able to figure out on my own that he was upset over some fictional movie. I wouldn't even have considered that possibility.

His cracked voice told the tale of his misery. Was it just about the movie or there was something more to it? I wondered.

Slowly pulling my hand from him, I got up. I was aware of his eyes that followed me all the way to the side-table from where I poured the water in a glass from the jug. I handed it to him, and he obliged without any attempt of denying.

His fingers were curled around the glass, but the glass hadn't touched his lips yet.

"Drink, Eshan," I urged him earnestly. Irrespective of the reason for his anguish, all that my restless heart wanted was him to feel better.

I heaved a relieved sigh on watching him taking a few sips of water. I took back the glass from him, kept it on its original position, and returned to Eshan.

"It was just a movie, Eshan. Why would you get yourself this worked up for some fiction?" I asked, genuinely willing to know what it was that had got him so upset. As I pondered a little, I was almost sure that it wasn't only about the movie. Eshan wasn't that kind of person. There had to be something else that had bothered him to the extent where he couldn't hold back his emotions.

"It wasn't just a movie, Innaya. It was a movie where… in the leads… I saw – us."

'Us… in the leads?' I was beginning to understand where it was heading, but I chose silence for, I didn't wish to presume anything. I waited for him to continue, for I wanted to hear it from him.

"I don't know why, but I saw us in them. I could just relate to them. They had an arranged marriage, like us. They adored each other like we…" He trailed off, perhaps, unsure of saying it aloud for we still weren't at that stage yet. "And just when they were at the peak of their affection… one misunderstanding… ended everything. It just got me thinking -"

"That the incident would repeat with us," I completed the rest of his sentence.

Eshan looked at me, horrified. Deep down, in some corner of his heart, he had the same thing, but hearing it from me just added on the damage. He exhaled before he softly pulled me beside him.

"I am just afraid, Innaya. The mere thought is deadly. What we have… is precious to me, and I can't afford losing it."

His honest confession moved me, and for several moments, I was at a loss of words. I just did not know what I was supposed to say at that moment. Words, anyway, had never really been in my favor. I do not know what came over me that made me turn to him. I circled my hands around his neck. "So can't I, Eshan… so can't I," I mumbled in his embrace.

I knew, his fear wasn't something to be taken so seriously. It was just a movie. 'It was just a movie, Innaya.' I assured and reassured myself.

Eshan and I weren't going to go through the pain of separation. His understanding was beyond the understanding of a normal person. He would never misunderstand me. Even if something happened, he would always be patient enough to wait until everything resolved.

I knew he was a gem of a person. There was no debate about the same in my mind. I would never misunderstand him for, for once, the sun could forget rising, but Eshan would never do something to purposely hurt me in any way, and even if it happened, someday, I would hold on to him, as patiently as he had always done.

I would never go away from him.

He would never go away from me.

What happened to the couple in the movie would never happen to us. We would not let it happen.

*

*

*

Once I was out of the memory lane, my tears saw no end. Such a pathetic person I had been all along. I had promised that day to myself that no matter what happened, I would hold on to him patiently.

I had failed myself.

I had failed him.

I had failed his love.

How could I do it to him? How could I do it, to us? I ruined everything. I ruined everything.