Chapter 56 - Memories

||Innaya||

Pulling out the diary from the drawer, I sat on the floor with my back against the bed. While roaming my fingers on the cover, a smile found a way to my lips. Another two weeks had passed without any news of Eshan. I could only indulge myself with his memories.

*

Treasure your memories in this.

Share your problems with this.

Bottling up never helps...

Treat it as your escape...

-

Your Grandpa

*

It was the gift from Grandpa to me on my birthday last year, exactly two months before he passed away.

Letting that aside, I turned the diary open. There weren't many things I had penned, few before my marriage and a few after. I was not fond of writing, yet every year Grandpa gifted me a new diary on my birthday. Not wishing to dwell into the past before Eshan, I shuffled the pages and opened the bookmarked one. 

*

"You don't have to hesitate to ask anything, Innaya. You have every right to question, remember this."

*

Eshan had said that on our first date. I have no idea what had forced me to write his dialogue, but I did. I had written some of his words that had touched my heart somehow. 

Why did I not remember them? I just had to ask and he would have washed away all the clouds of my insecurities. I had tried, just because he wanted to keep it surprise he failed to see how it was affecting me.

My unsaid words and emotions were understood by him and yet this time how he failed to notice it?

Turning the page, my eyes welled up as they took in the beautiful handwriting of my husband. How thoughtful his gift was. Instead of showing his wealth through some heavy and expensive jewelry, he opted the simple way, yet stirred something in me on our wedding night. 

*

*

"Your eyes have a spark,

Like a light shining in the dark,

The innocence of a child,

I can feel it in your smile,

It's a different world you have stepped in,

Just don't forget it's me whom you are with,

Dear, just don't be afraid, I am there,

Hold my hand if you fear,

The glass symbolizes my promise,

You will be treasured all my life,

Transparency and care,

Yet the shielding armor,

I promise to be the friend you need!

I promise to be the support you seek!

I promise to make you happy!

Like this colorful gift,

I promise to make our life exquisite!

-

Eshan

*

*

I sighed heavily, the emptiness in my heart only increased, yet I was putting myself through it. Reading his words was pure torture because now the meaning behind his words was much deeper, more intimate. Those were the words of the man for his woman— the woman he loved. The burden of them now only weighed me down with sheer guilt.

Wiping the single tear that rolled on my cheek, I forced myself to flip the page. I had written exactly what occurred on the flight. The heat slowly traveled in my face as the memory of that scene slowly played in my mind. 

*

"Mi querida esposa, I love seeing you amused. You are irresistible when you have this..." unwinding his hand that had kept my palm holding closer to him, he drew a circle in the air with his index finger, "this ethereal smile that says to me time and again, that you are not from this world."

*

I had no idea what forced me to write it exactly the way he said it, but I did it anyway. The adoration in his eyes, his teasing smile never made sense then but it did now. He cared for me openly without voicing his feelings for once, giving me an ample amount of time to adjust with him and what did I do?

Blinking back the tears, I gulped the air holding myself back from breaking down. With shaky fingers, I turned the pages till his words from our first night in Mumbai came in the picture.

*

"Just don't drift away from me. I understand everything is new... I am unable to put it in the words, but I feel horrible when I am not able to help you. I feel worthless, and I do not like that feeling. I have told you, and I am telling you again, I love the beautiful smile on your face. I do not like to see the worry, panic, or fear in your these eyes. I hate the idea of anything causing you pain. I am not sure what triggers those sorts of reactions from you, and no, you do not need to tell me. All I am asking is to try to trust me. I know it isn't easy, but it's not that difficult either."

*

I had unintentionally shut him out many times, and that day too I wouldn't have mentioned my cynophobia. However, I did. I might not have been totally honest with him, but I didn't lie either. I just did not tell the truth. 

The heaviness in my chest only grew stronger; I felt someone was stabbing my heart with the knife. The pain intensified, so did my longing, grief, and guilt. Closing my eyes, I brought my knees to my chest and clutched the diary near my heart. Silent tears flew freely through my closed eyelids while my heart ached for him. 

*

"I never asked you, are you comfortable with this intimacy of us? I want you to set the pace of our relationship. I don't want to rush you into anything. Hmm? So?"

"This is not wrong. We being close to each other is not wrong. You do not have to feel guilty for touching or admiring something that is rightfully yours."

"The matter of importance is, I am all ours. Yours to do whatever you want, just like you are mine. That being said, you don't have to feel uncomfortable before me, you don't have to avoid my gaze. I will never do anything that will make you uncomfortable"

"Innaya, it's your heart exploring the new change don't let your mind put the barrier across your wants. Let your heart and mind be united, and follow the path you feel right. Don't deny yourself the happiness you deserve."

"I am saying the truth. Believe me or not but you are my fairy, who puts me to sleep every night. I missed my fairy."

*

His words rang in my ear, and I knew I did not need to read them. I knew everything by heart now. Recalling everything only resulted in the pain, yet I welcomed that pain. 

Maybe, because Eshan thought I deserved it. I had no idea what he thought of me now. It felt as if he hated me because not for once he called me from the past one and half months. 

I could have borne his anger, his indifference, his silence, but he did nothing. He just left me as if everything ended.

Maybe, it did. 

Who would forgive and forget such an incident? He was after all human being, he had his limits too.

Maybe, I never deserved any happiness. I was cursed just like they said. I was a bad omen, who brought bad luck and destruction with herself.

Maybe, we were never meant to be. I should just let go of hope. I had tried finding him everywhere, but I couldn't. His friends were not ready to talk to me, Arjun avoided talking to me, and then how was I meant to find him. I felt so alone.

Controlling myself with great difficulty, I composed myself. I picked up the pen, lying near my feet before I let my emotions guide that pen for the last time.