CH 66

In his arms, Annette felt longing, fulfillment, and at the same time unbearable pain.

It was a familiar sensation.

She felt as if they were thorny vines.

Her practice room had once been in the deepest part of the Rosenberg mansion. The nearby garden had been untended by the caretakers and was overgrown with thorn vines.

The vines were so tangled together that it was hard to tell where they began and where they ended. It was the same for them now. Their mutual visibility held their lives together, binding and repressing each other………… When would this distorted desire end?

“Miss Rosenberg, when do you think desires are satisfied?”

Suddenly the philosophy teacher’s question came to mind. It was the teacher who had taught her about chance and the notion of fate.

“…Man walks endlessly toward an object to satisfy his desire, as if he wanted to touch a mirage in the desert……………. The object of desire can never satisfy desire.”

“So, will humans live their whole lives without fully satisfying their desires?”

“No, only one thing is possible.”

“What is it?”

“Death.”

While embracing each other’s thorny lives.

“Death is the only thing we want for nothing.”

Binding and oppressing each other until death.

Suddenly his embrace became unbearably tight. Annette pulled her body back as if in denial. The tears that had been smeared on the tip of her chin fell in drops.

She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head. Heiner looked down at his empty hands for a moment, then turned his gaze toward her again.

A moment of silence passed. Annette still stubbornly turned away from him.

“…… in the past.”

At some point, Heiner quietly opened his mouth.

“I had been in several wars. My status varied. Sometimes I was a French soldier, sometimes an Armenian soldier, sometimes a mercenary in some civil war.”

“…”

“I learned in my bones, as I moved from one battlefield to another, how terrible justice can sometimes be. Too much was allowed to happen in the cause of justice.”

“…”

“I now hold up justice as my name. From the time I joined the Revolutionary Army until I assumed this position… I have always done so. But do you know…”

Heiner’s bittersweet sneer was heard.

“I have never been a righteous man.”

“…”

“Come to think of it, I’m like them, and I allowed many things to happen in the cause of justice. I killed enemy troops. I killed civilians when they went against the operation, and sometimes my colleagues and friends.”

Annette finally turned her head slowly back to him. They faced each other, about two spans apart.

“No. Perhaps I am less of a person than they are. Because, in fact, I have always had more important things to do than justice.”

As he said this, he looked like a young animal craving warmth. Just infinitely lonely and weak—

“Annette.”

“….”

“I am not qualified to discuss sin with you. I always knew that fact. And yet, I shifted the responsibility for my life onto you………….. I guess I really am not even the worst person.”

“….”

“Is that why God took everything from me?”

Pain stained his face like fingerprints. Heiner smiled bitterly.

“Everyone around me has left me. You’re one of them. My one…”

Heiner bowed his head with his eyes closed. His breath came in thin quivers.

“It is true that only you remain in my world.”

Annette thought he was crying. Even though she couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. For the first time he brought up a part of his past, and she could see sadness, not hatred.

‘Why?’

The question she remembered from seeing him at the military church came back to her. She had never asked him questions about his true past.

What happened in your past?

Do I exist in your past?

What am I to you? What kind of existence am I?

Strange words circled her my chest. She knew it was already too late. She knew it was better not to ask.

Because there were things in life that became irreversible the moment you found out.

Annette’s lips slowly moved. She hesitated for a moment, and just as she was about to open her mouth, Heiner opened his eyes and spoke first.

“I am releasing you from your post for the time being.”

“I…what?”

“For the time being. You will be transferred to another location as early as next week or as late as the week after that.”

His voice was devoid of all emotions as it had been like that.

“Until then, you will stay here. All business activities are prohibited until reissued. If this is violated, the order will be delayed by that amount.”

“Your Excellency.”

“From now on, as you wish… I will not intervene in the life you have chosen. I will be a perfect stranger in your life—…….”

“…”

“That’s all you have to do.”

His eyes were as calm as water in the cloudy shadows at dawn. His face showed no more glimpses of emotion.

Annette tried to protest, but she was somewhat at a loss for words. Even though that was what she wanted.

She did not know if it was because of what she had just heard him say, or because of his still-stained face, or because of his promise to be a stranger in her life from now on.

Of course, she had only one option in this situation anyway.

Annette looked at him with a subtle expression. Heiner did not avert his gaze to prompt a response. Eventually she substituted an answer by lowering her eyes.

***

[P.S. 1. Olivia can even speak the word “ummm.” Now she just needs to say ‘ma’.

P.S. 2. Bruner said that Olivia has already added “ah” a few thousand times.

P.P.S.3. I didn’t use this word after wondering whether to use it or not, but apparently it is correct to use it, so I am adding it.

Because the mention of your ex husband came up, sometimes I thought you still can not forget him.

I don’t mean that you still love him. Annette, memories are like little shells in your pocket.

We usually live in oblivion, but when we suddenly put our hand in our pocket and touch it, we can recall the memory of the sea.

You don’t have to make an effort to forget. After all, some memories can never be forgotten. There is no need to blame yourself for not being able to forget.

If the feelings you feel when you touch the shell one day are still valid, let them remain valid. Annette always tried to be overly permissive of her heart.

If this is true, just let it flow. It’s okay to feel as your heart desires. You deserve that much, don’t you think?]

***

Annette had to stay put and rest in the new place after the Commander-in-Chief ordered her to take a mandatory leave of absence.

Heiner did not even allow her to return to her original quarters. The reason was that she might walk around and try to work and that she could not rest properly in the hospital.

Actually, he was not wrong.

In the rear hospital, Annette was suffering from as much stress as she had been in the official residence. She even added hard labor, which increased her fatigue level.

She would rather take on more work and have her body suffer, the stares and whispers she had to endure were mentally draining.

In addition, Annette shared a room with seven other people. In the past few months, there had been only a handful of times she’s been able to be alone.

To be honest…Having a private room was really comfortable.

Of course, it was only a small space within the Commander-in-Chief’s barracks. But just the fact that it was a private room was a huge luxury here.

She was sure all kinds of stories would circulate about her suddenly vacating her quarters, but she could care less about that.

She was completely exhausted.

In any case, everything that happened in the Commander-in-Chief’s barracks was confidential. The same was true of Annette’s presence.

The others knew of her absence but not her whereabouts. Naturally, Annette was not allowed to enter Heiner’s office or look at his papers without permission. She was assigned the farthest room.

She spent most of the day sleeping, partly because she was tired, but most of all because she had nothing to do.

In the first place, there was no way to have a proper hobby in the army. There were a few books on the shelf, but…that was it.

She was forbidden to even meet outsiders. This was because the exact location of the Commander-in-Chief’s barracks was classified.

After all, Heiner was the only person Annette had any real communication with in this place.

Heiner was generally very busy so she did not see him often. Meetings often dragged on, and they usually ate late.

However, he would sometimes come to her room when he had time and invite her to dine with him.

“Have you eaten?”

…. Like this.