CH 94

Chapter 94: Finding Dreams Within Imperfection

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[Not a luxury car]

Those who don’t like S/M or D/S dynamics, I sincerely suggest that you don’t read Lovely Allergen’s cars. Even though there’s not much actual S/M, Song Yu leans S and Le Le leans M. They very much enjoy their activities, so it’s a bit much to talk about whether or not there’s respect. Song Yu’s already very gentle, he hasn’t said a single insulting word. He only says baobao, little princess, and the strictest he goes is using Yue Zhishi’s full name. And it’s not like he’s truly done anything S, just the spanking from earlier ( )

Anyway, if you like gentle, caring gongs in bed, then all of the cars in this book aren’t suitable for you (most of my gongs are relatively dominating in bed)

[Orgasm control, dry orgasm]

——

Yue Zhishi became a bit more courageous, thinking Song Yu wouldn’t dare to do anything to him in front of Lin Rong, so he pulled himself away from Song Yu’s evil hands and curled himself into Lin Rong’s arms, cutely whining.

“Aunt Rong, he’s bullying me.”

“Don’t bully Le Le!”

When Song Yu didn’t say anything, Yue Zhishi turned smug and started to say one thing after another with Lin Rong.

Seeing that Yue Zhishi, with his face red from being pinched, had found a defender, Song Yu raised an eyebrow at him. “Very good, Yue Zhishi.” 

Cats were very good at holding grudges.

For the rest of the night, Song Yu didn’t speak to Yue Zhishi and purposefully ignored him, and then he later directly went back to his room and turned on his projector to watch documentaries and play games. Yue Zhishi found an excuse soon after to follow him upstairs, but Song Yu’s door was locked with no responses to the messages he sent. Neither did he respond when Yue Zhishi softly called out to him, and when Yue Zhishi later pressed his ear to the door, he could only faintly hear words like ‘Arctic Circle’ and ‘glaciers’ from the documentary.

Seriously.

Yue Zhishi felt Song Yu really did have a big temper, and so he gave him the label of ‘Arctic Circle’ in his heart.

In the middle of the night, the already asleep Yue Zhishi suddenly heard the sound of his door opening. He blearily woke up, thinking he hadn’t shut his door completely to let Cotton Candy push his way in through a crack. Shifting deeper into his blanket, he closed his eyes and turned over — only to be caught off guard by a kiss. He thought he was dreaming, but when he sleepily opened his eyes, he saw Song Yu’s face a short distance away, reflected in the moonlight.

Song Yu pressed down on him menacingly, and the sleep muddled Yue Zhishi weakly pushed at him, still remembering how Song Yu had ignored him. “Weren’t you ignoring me…” But he couldn’t push him away at all, and the entire mattress was like a soft swamp, taking away his air as he sunk deeper and deeper into the kiss.

“I thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep all night if I ignored you.” Song Yu bit Yue Zhishi’s lip, his voice deep and quiet yet indistinct. “What time is it for you to already be sleeping so deeply?”

“Looks like you really don’t care about me…”

“No.” Yue Zhishi’s voice was soft and needy, all the words he wanted to say swallowed by the kiss. He somewhat pitifully groped and grabbed at the shirt on Song Yu’s back.

“No… Then what were you doing?” Song Yu once again teased him with the topic of being a princess. “Were you acting like Sleeping Beauty and deliberately luring someone in to kiss you awake?”

Just by those few words, Yue Zhishi’s face had already gone red and his heart was already pounding; whenever he said ‘no’ and ‘I wasn’t’, he would be pinned down and continuously kissed. It was as though Song Yu was training a small animal, teaching him that the only correct answer was to admit it — but when Yue Zhishi finally chose to confess, he was given only a deeper kiss.

He couldn’t fight him at all.

Song Yu only temporarily released him once Yue Zhishi’s breathing started to stutter.

Yue Zhishi had already slid off his pillow, and he lay flat on his bed as he panted softly. “How’d you get in…”

He was wearing black cotton pyjamas, his body supple and warm from sleep.

“You told me your door’s passcode when you were in fourth grade.” Lowering his head, Song Yu gave Yue Zhishi’s lower lip a peck, but then he couldn’t help but bite down again, one of his hands gripping Yue Zhishi’s hip, skin against skin. “And you still have yet to change it.” 

Yue Zhishi had set up his passcode when he was in fourth grade; he’d fused together his birthday of 1010 with Song Yu’s 1101 by placing the separate numbers of his birthday in between the digits of Song Yu’s, the number turning into 11011001. He’d thought only by doing so could he show just how close they were with each other. He’d considered himself a genius, and so he’d shared it with Song Yu the moment he’d thought of it.

Yue Zhishi felt a bit ticklish from Song Yu’s touch, and he squirmed against Song Yu’s chest, wanting to avoid his hand. “I forgot I did that… Have you sneaked in here many times before?” 

Song Yu kissed the side of his neck, yet the words that left his mouth were, “I’m not a pervert.” 

His voice breathless, Yue Zhishi wrapped his arms around Song Yu’s back without conscious thought. “Not even once?” Other feelings gradually took the place of his stubborn drowsiness, his body temperature rising like the thick fog of night. 

“I did, once.” Song Yu’s voice was low and husky, and he confessed in between the gaps of their intimacy. “You were sick once in your first year of junior high with a high fever. I couldn’t sleep that night, so I came over to look at you at 2am.”

At this very moment, he was doing all the things a lover could do, making Yue Zhishi his own through loving touches — but for the past him, the one who hadn’t had the right to do any of these things, he said, “I only touched your forehead once to see if you were still burning up. I didn’t do anything else.”

The sounds of low pants were mixed into the candid opening of his heart, and it felt like a subtle melding of boundaries. It was as though half of his soul was confessing its sins, while the other half was committing them by following desire’s lead.

Yue Zhishi’s entire body had already softened, and when he closed his eyes, he could see his imagined image of Song Yu at that time. He used a very quiet voice to say to Song Yu, “You… You should’ve secretly kissed me.” He had originally wanted to sound encouraging, but his voice shifted the instant a hand closed around his body; he accidentally let out a whimper.

He was like a young bird held in the palm of Song Yu’s hand.

“Is it too late to kiss you now?” Song Yu was fervently kissing him, but he didn’t allow him to make any noise, saying noise would draw their parents’ attention. That reason seemed to be very useful — it made Yue Zhishi anxious and fearful, and it heightened Yue Zhishi’s sensitivity multiple times over as he shrunk himself into Song Yu’s arms, biting his own lips. He looked like a shaft of white reed trembling under the night wind of winter, fragile and beautiful. 

Song Yu liked deep kisses, loved seeing Yue Zhishi’s chest heave from a kiss with his face as red as though he’d just orgasmed; he also loved tangling their tongues together, swallowing every moan that fell from Yue Zhishi’s mouth before making him unable to hold back from making another sound. Yue Zhishi tried to endure, yet he couldn’t.

It was a cycle of love, lust and sensation.

Yue Zhishi’s awareness had turned very slow, not realising until much later that Song Yu had pulled down his pants until they were bunched up at his knees. As he continued to kiss him, Song Yu reached out an arm as though to grab something.

“Ge…”

He moaned like he was praying for an even more passionate kiss.

But very soon, a dollop of cold and sticky paste appeared on the top of his thighs and his cock, and it made Yue Zhishi shiver in Song Yu’s arms. Song Yu turned his hand into a circle, and he held onto Yue Zhishi’s cock, moving up and down with the slip of smooth hand cream.

Yue Zhishi bit his lips, but Song Yu licked them open. His skin was so pale and his features were as delicate as a doll’s, but as soon as he was moved by lust, he was touched by colours and a liveliness no one else could see.

“Behave. Does it feel good?” Song Yu annoyingly pulled away from the kiss, as though hoping for Yue Zhishi to make a noise.

Clenching his teeth, Yue Zhishi quivered in Song Yu’s hold, but Song Yu was determined to not give him shelter — he retreated a distance away, watching the look on Yue Zhishi’s face as he struggled from desire.

“Ge…” Yue Zhishi held back his need to groan, begging Song Yu with a voice as light as air. “Don’t do that anymore, hold me…”

“Just a bit more. I’ll hold you once you come.” Song Yu gave him a promise as one of his hands tormented the top of Yue Zhishi’s cock. His other hand opened the buttons on Yue Zhishi’s shirt, revealing his snow white chest for his own viewing and enjoyment.

Yue Zhishi hoped he could come a bit quicker, so he caught Song Yu’s hand — feeling no resistance, he pulled it to his own chest and used the pads of Song Yu’s fingers to touch his own nipples. Later, he lay on his side and even started to use Song Yu’s fingers to rub at them, his face almost buried into his pillow; like a cat in heat, he kept dragging in large gulps of air. 

His nipples were too dry, and they started to ache from the chafing. With shaking shoulders, Yue Zhishi drew Song Yu’s hand into his mouth and licked his fingers.

Song Yu wickedly pulled out his fingers slightly, the clinging threads of saliva turned into glittering strands of silk. His right hand moved a bit quicker, and Yue Zhishi stretched out his tongue under the stifling pressure of his lust and chased after his fingers before tugging down those dampened enough fingers to play with his own nipples.

Underneath the double attack on both the upper and lower halves of his body, Yue Zhishi’s legs stiffened very rapidly and started to twitch; he clenched tightly onto Song Yu’s wrist with a tremendous amount of force, and the legs initially rasping against Song Yu’s feet also tightened. 

But in the very last moment right before he came, Song Yu stopped his movements — his hand clamped down firmly on Yue Zhishi’s cock.

Tears filled Yue Zhishi’s eyes as he teetered on the edge, and he kept wriggling his body like a water snake hungering to mate. “Ge… gege…”

“Shh.” Song Yu leaned in and said next to his ear, “Do you want Mom and Dad to see you like this?”

The tears trickled down Yue Zhishi’s face as he helplessly, fearfully shook his head.

“Then behave.” Song Yu’s hand was still around Yue Zhishi’s cock, and he only gradually loosened his hold after sensing Yue Zhishi’s urge to orgasm had faded away. He started to play with the tip again, and he swiped a finger through the fluid leaking from the top and smeared it on Yue Zhishi’s face — he mixed it in with his tears.

“Little princess, is your lower half crying too?” He deliberately aroused Yue Zhishi’s sense of shame and used his other hand to wipe away the cream spread over the top of Yue Zhishi’s thighs and his ass, pressing and kneading. “You’re so soft.”

He did everything he could do to seduce Yue Zhishi except for fucking him, and neither did he allow him to release — Yue Zhishi couldn’t take it anymore, and so he went to kiss Song Yu with tears dripping down his face. He reached over to pull out Song Yu’s hard cock, tugging it as if he was tugging over a hand. “Gege… I want…”

“What do you want?”

“Fuck me…” Yue Zhishi said so very softly. “I beg you.”

Song Yu ended up flipping him over and embraced him from the back, fiercely thrusting into the lubricated gap between his thighs. His other hand continued to pump at Yue Zhishi’s cock, and Yue Zhishi could feel himself about to collapse from the impact of Song Yu’s hips; not daring to call out, he painfully clenched his teeth — only to have even his teeth start to chatter.

He was crying heavily, his entire body as wet and slick and swollen as though he’d been bathed in water. Song Yu mouthed at his shoulder and the skin behind his ears, madly stimulating him right as he wanted to moan before covering his mouth and gripping his neck and calling him baobao. This pleasure, stolen from stealth, felt like it was going to take away Yue Zhishi’s life.

“I can’t… I can’t, ge…” Yue Zhishi twisted frantically in his arms, wanting to push away his hand. Knowing he was about to reach his peak again, Song Yu wanted to stop him from coming, so he squeezed Yue Zhishi’s cock like before, his arms also tightly caging around Yue Zhishi’s body. He used a kiss to block Yue Zhishi’s pleading, but the kiss wasn’t enough to hold it back completely.

In between Song Yu’s lips and teeth, Yue Zhishi tearfully whimpered and moaned, the sensation of reaching such an extreme high snatching away his thoughts and reason. He was like an animal made only of sheer desire — writhing, shuddering, gasping for large breaths of air as though he was about to die.

His body suddenly went rigid, almost completely freezing in place, and under Song Yu’s tight hold, Yue Zhishi reached a peak he’d never climbed to before, the pleasure burying him underneath its waves; his whole body shook uncontrollably, yet he didn’t spill a single drop. His pitiful cock jerked violently in Song Yu’s hand as though it was alive.

Song Yu didn’t expect that to happen either, and he hugged Yue Zhishi as he continued to quiver, thinking he might’ve gone too far. He gently kissed him, wiping away Yue Zhishi’s tears, and said, “Don’t cry anymore baobao, that was my fault.”

Yue Zhishi didn’t have the strength to speak, his consciousness having gone somewhere else. A long while passed before he finally recovered from that assault of utter pleasure, and the hair on his forehead was plastered to his face from sweat, looking like someone just saved from the water.

He mumbled very quietly, “I already begged you…”

“I’m sorry.” Song Yu kissed his face.

But Yue Zhishi shook his head and returned his kiss, sincerely saying, “That felt so good, I couldn’t take it…”

His soft hand reached downwards until it reached Song Yu’s still hard cock, and he lightly moved his hand on him a few times. “Gege, you haven’t come yet.”

Song Yu said it was fine, but Yue Zhishi didn’t like how fully in control he looked, so he pulled Song Yu up. He got him to sit up against the bedhead, and he lay down between his legs, pulling his large cock into his mouth from the front.

His mouth was pretty much stuffed full, his cheeks bulging. Separated by Yue Zhishi’s thin cheeks, the look of Song Yu’s cock as it protruded out from that beautiful face was irresistibly sensual.

Yue Zhishi was still not quite skilled, but he worked very hard at it, sucking and licking that part of Song Yu’s body. His eyes were damp as he looked up at his handsome lover, and he watched as that perpetually cold face was slowly stained by desire for him, as that lover reached out without thinking to press down his head, guiding him to swallow even deeper.

Yue Zhishi liked the feeling of sucking Song Yu’s cock.

When his mouth was starting to tire, Yue Zhishi pulled away and lapped at the tip like he would an ice cream. Song Yu held onto his own cock and used it to pat at Yue Zhishi’s face, but Yue Zhishi still laughed. “So big.”

Compared to how he usually was, he was more straightforward in bed.

Yue Zhishi drew Song Yu’s cock in as far as he could, moving his head down until the shaft reached the deepest part of his throat, and then he used his hand to surround the remainder. He softly murmured things like gege, I love you, I like you and asked him if he used to think about him while jerking himself off — if he would dream of something like this.

It was as though the spring dreams of Song Yu’s adolescence merged together with this very moment. He somewhat impatiently gripped Yue Zhishi’s head and fucked into his mouth, wringing out as much pleasure as he could from the love he hadn’t been able to obtain in the past.

After an uncountable number of thrusts, he wanted to pull out — but Yue Zhishi clutched him and forced him to come inside his mouth.

Yue Zhishi obediently swallowed it all, as adorable as a puppy getting fed. Gazing at Song Yu with his wet eyes, he wrapped his lips around the tip that had just spilled over, sucking and kissing. His cock was very sensitive right after orgasming, so Song Yu’s scalp tingled from his licking; he pulled Yue Zhishi up, and they shared a very long, very wet kiss.

The spring dreams of his past were all quite blurry. Yue Zhishi’s face was blurry and so was his body, with only his repressed emotions and need clear and distinct.

“Did it feel good?” Yue Zhishi quietly asked as he lay on top of Song Yu’s body. He had seen Song Yu knitting his eyebrows together, trying to hold himself back, and so he asked with a fair bit of delight.

Not willing to admit it, Song Yu intentionally said, “You talked so much when you were sucking me off. Were you really hoping for someone to hear you?”

“No…”

“We should let everyone hear you next time.” Song Yu squeezed his butt. “How does that sound?”

Yue Zhishi didn’t respond, so he then said, “You don’t want other people to know about us?”

“I do.” Yue Zhishi said it again, softly yet determined, “I want them to know. I’m not afraid.”

Song Yu played with Yue Zhishi’s smooth hair now that they’d finished, and he picked up Yue Zhishi, weak and limp, to head into the bathroom. Yue Zhishi docilely rested in his arms, saying he wanted to soak in the bathtub.

“It’s really late, we still have to head back to campus tomorrow for class.”

Yue Zhishi’s hands were hooked around Song Yu’s neck. There was a delicate note of whining in his voice as he spoke, repeating once again, “I want to soak.”

“You really are a princess,” Song Yu ridiculed, and Yue Zhishi very self-consciously begged him to not call him that, even reaching out to cover his mouth — only to have Song Yu briskly kiss his palm.

“Do you want to soak or not?”

“I do.”

“You’re a princess if you soak.”

“….fine, I’m a princess.”

The bathtub wasn’t very big, the two of them only just managing to fit inside together. Yue Zhishi leaned against Song Yu’s chest, and his feet were also on top of Song Yu’s legs; he tilted his face up and backwards to look at Song Yu, who then lowered his head and kissed his eyes.

“I need to head out for fieldwork next week with Professor He.” Song Yu embraced him. “I’ll come back to spend time with you on Christmas.”

Yue Zhishi obediently nodded. He felt Song Yu push away his dampened hair, caressing and lightly touching his neck with his lips.

He’d been wondering, so he touched his own nape and asked, “Gege, you seem to really like kissing this spot.”

“There’s a very tiny mole here.” Song Yu’s finger gently rubbed against it. Snow pale skin was streaked with pink, and that small black dot was like an inherent mark made specifically for him.

“Really? I didn’t know…” Yue Zhishi told Song Yu to take a photo of it next time.

Song Yu once again lowered his head to kiss his shoulder, so Yue Zhishi subconsciously went to look. “But there’s no mole.” 

“A drop of water was there,” Song Yu said seriously and righteously.

Thinking he was being teased again, Yue Zhishi turned his face around to stare at him, but his pressed lips couldn’t hold back his smile. Song Yu was looking at him as well, his face quiet and tranquil.

Song Yu didn’t expect Yue Zhishi’s wet hands to hold onto the edges of the tub; he slightly rose up and gave Song Yu’s eyes a kiss.

Song Yu froze for a moment, and then he heard Yue Zhishi tell him why he kissed his eyes.

“I was in there.”

Unnaturally turning away his face, Song Yu said, “Copycat.”

“You’re embarrassed.” Yue Zhishi hugged his neck and forced him to look back at him. “You always look away from me when you’re feeling shy.”

He frankly poured out the words in his heart for his lover to hear. “Song Yu, you’re so cute. I like you so much.”

“Don’t use such strange descriptions,” Song Yu said, attempting to stop him.

“But you are cute.” Yue Zhishi didn’t let him argue back and blocked his mouth. 

Unable to do anything to him, and since the water had cooled down by now, Song Yu dragged Yue Zhishi out and covered him in a bathrobe, watching as he ran back to bed and burrowed himself underneath the blanket as quickly as he could.

Yue Zhishi was in Song Yu’s arms as they lay in bed, ready to sleep — he couldn’t quite doze off, and his mind kept thinking and thinking, becoming more awake the more he wondered.

“Gege, are you asleep…”

Song Yu said he wasn’t, and asked why he was still awake.

“I was thinking about your fieldwork.” Yue Zhishi pressed his face into Song Yu’s chest. “Gege, will you really be researching emergency mapping in the future?” 

Song Yu knew what he was thinking about. He stroked down the back of Yue Zhishi’s head and explained to him very tenderly, “Le Le, it’s all about remote sensing now, there’s not a lot of work that needs to be done manually by humans. And researching further into this direction could be really useful — if we could map out disaster areas using remote sensing, then we can simulate the disaster zone immediately. We’d be able to precisely assess the areas in the shortest amount of time and would also be able to monitor any areas that may also fall into disaster. It would mean a great deal to rescue relief. When it comes to emergency rescue workers, there’s nothing more important than maps and having a GPS.”

“I know it’d be really useful. I also understand that if there really is a disaster, there’ll be a lot of children who’ll be like me.” Yue Zhishi pressed his lips together. “I’m just worried about you.”

“Don’t worry.” Song Yu drew him in closer. “I’ll protect myself well.”

Yue Zhishi released a light hum and then heard Song Yu say, “I’ve wanted to work in this field since a long time ago.”

In the still and quiet night, Yue Zhishi lifted his eyes and looked at him. “Since when?” 

Song Yu’s eyes shifted, turning gentle and soft; he looked like he was sinking into his memories. He said since a very long time ago, and then he said further, “When I was six and it was the day after you’d just arrived. We were still in the hospital, and I asked Dad why you didn’t have a family, where did Uncle Yue go.”

The him at that time hadn’t quite understood what his father had said — he’d only remembered that Yue Yi had treated him particularly well, had taken him to so many places, had written letters to him even after leaving for England and had sent him postcards and gifts for Christmas.

He hadn’t been able to accept Yue Yi’s departure at all, just like how he hadn’t been able to accept almost causing Yue Zhishi’s death. 

It had been fear, multiplied twofold, that had pressed down onto a six year old’s body.    

“I was extremely sensitive to news on the television about disasters during then. Mom and Dad would intentionally avoid them and change the channel, but I would really want to keep watching — I’d even run upstairs to my own room to watch by myself.” Song Yu’s eyebrows unconsciously drew together. “I’d sometimes see emergency workers on the news carrying stretchers with the people they’d saved lying on them. And then sometimes I’d think — how nice would it be if it was Uncle Yue. I understood it wasn’t him, but I was still happy for the people who were saved. I found emergency workers so selfless.” 

He paused for a few moments. Afraid Yue Zhishi would be distressed, he turned to Yue Zhishi and lightly knocked their foreheads together. “It was actually my first dream as a child.”

Yue Zhishi was actually afraid that Song Yu would be distressed, so he leaned in and kissed his cheek. He earnestly asked, “To be an emergency rescue worker?”

“Mn.” Song Yu closed his eyes. “But later, after entering junior high, my geography teacher talked about a previous great earthquake and said it was truly hard working in emergency relief. Disasters make the land complicated and difficult to understand, and without accurate maps and GPS, so many people end up buried in a place no one can find — and so they wouldn’t be able to be saved.”

With his eyes lowered, Song Yu said, “When I heard the words ‘they wouldn’t be able to be saved’, I thought of your mom and dad.” 

Yue Zhishi touched Song Yu’s face with a hand. His heart was squeezing in pain, but he didn’t want Song Yu to also be upset. “And then?”

“And then that day, you came home and said very sadly to me that one of your classmates talked about how you didn’t have parents, that you were unhappy and wanted me to buy you an ice cream.” A smile appeared on Song Yu’s face. “Yue Zhishi, you really knew how to whine.”

“That was clearly me fishing for pity,” Yue Zhishi refuted, even though he had already completely forgotten about the entire thing.

“While I sat in the convenience store and waited for you to finish your ice cream, I thought about what my geography teacher had said.” There was a distant look in Song Yu’s eyes. “And I thought, the power of emergency workers was actually very insignificant. If I created a map, or if I made a very accurate GPS, would more people be able to be saved?”

Ever since they were young, Song Yu had been the one running in front — to Yue Zhishi, he was the benchmark erected forever ahead. He’d never heard Song Yu talk to him about his dreams or the worries in his heart.

The Yue Zhishi of the past wouldn’t have been disappointed, because he’d understood the age difference between him and Song Yu: the maturity of their thinking would’ve never been on the same level. In front of Song Yu, he had been a child, and no one would take out their thoughts hidden in the deepest parts of themselves and share them with a child. 

But the two of them now — they were lovers on equal standing. 

Yue Zhishi’s hand followed down the line of Song Yu’s arm and caught his hand, fingers interlocking together. “Do you hope for less children like me in the world because you thought I was really pitiful as a child?”

He looked at Song Yu with a pair of innocent eyes, yet he said things even Song Yu didn’t dare to say.

When he wasn’t smiling, Yue Zhishi’s eyelashes were very dark, very deep. His pale eyes held a muted melancholy, but because he was smiling most of the time, no one usually saw it.

Only someone like Song Yu, who carefully cradled Yue Zhishi within his heart for every single moment, would be able to catch it.

Since Song Yu didn’t respond, Yue Zhishi thought he would stop asking. But Song Yu suddenly called out his name, voice tender and so very soft.

“I don’t think you’ll know this, but when you first came to Peiya for junior high, I was often looking at you.” Song Yu was sweeping his hand up and down Yue Zhishi’s nape. “Sometimes my heart would feel particularly uncomfortable when I saw you walking alone at school and getting your bike by yourself.”

“I was really afraid of seeing you by yourself. I really hoped you could quickly find some good friends, and then walk with them together.”

Yue Zhishi had no idea about this. He frowned and said, “Why?”

“I’m not sure.” Song Yu also found himself absurd. “I just felt you were so small, and so skinny. You looked miserable. Sometimes I’d be sleeping in class and then I’d suddenly dream that your asthma flared up — I’d jump awake. And then I’d look across at you through the classroom window. Sometimes I’d see you, sometimes I wouldn’t.”

Yue Zhishi squeezed Song Yu’s fingers and lowered his eyes. “Then why’d you still refuse to let me call you gege and tell me to stay away from you…” 

Song Yu softly laughed in self-mockery. “I was way too resistant to that form of address then. I didn’t want other people to mistake us for true brothers, and I also didn’t want to talk about your parents.”

“At that time, I thought — let’s just simply pretend to have no relationship with each other.” 

Every moment he’d caught a glimpse of Yue Zhishi, Song Yu’s adolescent emotions and desire to protect, and to possess, had surged through him. The young Song Yu hadn’t known how to hold back the feelings that were about to overflow, and so he’d thought — let’s not see each other anymore. The less I see you, the less I’ll like you.

He’d wanted to be a satisfactory older brother, cherishing and caring for Yue Zhishi with a clean and unstained heart, but it hadn’t mattered how hard he’d tried. He hadn’t been able to do it.

“You must’ve been very hurt back then, having been pushed away.”

Yue Zhishi pressed himself onto Song Yu’s shoulder, the movement full of reliance. “Mn. But I still really liked you. I liked you the most.” 

“How much did you like me?”

“When we were doing our class exercises and had to spin around, I was always slower than everyone else by a few beats.” Yue Zhishi was smiling very sweetly. “So when you turned around, I’d be able to see your face. I’d be happy the entire morning.” 

He truly had liked the Song Yu of the past, the one who’d never said anything — the ‘like’ of an innocent adoration and worship.

“I always thought you were so amazing, so different from everyone else, whenever you watched a geographical documentary. But I’ve never once thought you were interested in those things because of me.”

He’d also never dared to think so.

“And now that you’re willing to share with me the things you used to hide away and never say, as well as your dreams, I like you even more.” Yue Zhishi held onto him, smoothing a very loving hand down his back. “Am I the first person to hear about your childhood’s first dream?”

“Yes.” Song Yu then said quickly, “And also the only person. Because that dream ended very early.”

“It hasn’t ended.” He tilted his face up and gave Song Yu a smile. “When it comes down to it, the basic nature of both your dreams is the same.”

Song Yu kissed his soft lips. “Is that so?”

Yue Zhishi dipped his head with utter certainty. “Mn.”

His eyes were bright in the dark colours of the night as he gazed at his lover who’d once been so lost and in so much pain — and yet it had been within those imperfect and regrettable moments that the outstanding and haughty youth had found the framework for his own future.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s the emergency rescue worker who wants to save more people, or the academic who wants to provide emergency mapping. They’re both the same.”

He wanted to save many, many people. Many, many families.

“They’re both heroes who could provide me with salvation.”

But the person he wanted to save out of everyone else — was still Yue Zhishi.

The author has something to say:

To Little Jade, saving the young Le Le is already a dream that could never come true. That was actually the first dream of his that had ended too early, which is why he’s being so stubborn about what he now wants to do.