CH 6

Name:I am Destined to Die Author:
On my way home, I stopped by the break room to pick up something I’d forgotten. There were volunteers who hadn’t left work yet sitting around chatting. Just as I was about to knock the door, I overheard something.

Heo-Sang’s family history.

“So they were chased by a loan shark and eventually got fed up.”

Chased by gambling debts, they finally went into hiding, leaving only their child behind. They claimed it was an accidental death for fear of traumatising the kid, but a will was found in the car that had been driven off a cliff.

Heo-Sang, still a minor, was supposed to go to a relative’s house, but none of the relatives would take him in for fear that a loan shark would come looking for him. Eventually, after moving from house to house, he ended up here, at the nursery school of Jeongdong Cathedral.

Hearing this story reminded me of the time I asked him about his future hopes.

‘What do you want to be in the future?’

‘Hunter.’

‘Oh, that’s surprising. Why?’

‘…Because I don’t want to worry about money.’

“That’s realistic,” I laughed. It was no laughing matter for him, but after learning the truth, I understood why he had been quiet since he came to the nursery. If it were me, no one would believe me and no one would talk to me.

I couldn’t get the story out of my head for the rest of the day, and the gloomy weather for the next few days seemed to reflect my mood. The aftermath lasted until I saw him again a week later.

“Huh?”

Tuk.

The king in front of me collapsed. While I was distracted, Heo-Sang had grabbed my king.

“…I’ve won now, haven’t I?”

”No way.”

“Wow!” he exclaimed, jumping to his feet and clenching his fists. The sight of his pure joy melted away the thoughts cluttering my head.

That’s right. Don’t feel sorry for Heo-Sang of the past but cherish the Heo-Sang of the present. The pupils of his eyes, which were lifeless and dead, now shine like Venus in the night sky, and that’s enough. As long as Heo-Sang is happy now, that’s enough.

“Oh, I let my guard down.”

I pretended to be annoyed and waited patiently for him to ask the first question, but he didn’t ask, just stared at me without opening his mouth. I felt like I was being interrogated and was secretly nervous.

“You’re so nervous. Is this how you always feel?”

“Do you understand now?”

“…Yes. Totally.”

He nodded slowly, the corners of his virtual mouth twitching upwards.

“Then I’ll ask you a question.”

My real name? Or my age? Where I live? What I do? What I like to eat? I’m willing to answer any question that comes my way. He coughed and then opened his mouth cautiously.

“Teacher.”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a crush?”

Of all the questions, why love? And why can’t I answer it straight away? What am I waiting for, when I could just take it as a joke, a student asking his teacher to tell him about his first love.

The longer the silence lingered, the harder his expression grew. His black eyes are busier than usual as he searches for an answer, but whatever he imagines, I will not be able to give him the answer he hopes for. No, I won’t.

“None.”

“Really?”

“Yep… and there never will be.”

His face brightened for a moment, then darkened rapidly as I added my words.

“…. Why?”

There was no way I was going to be able to tell him why.

“Isn’t that one question per game?”

“…Then play one more game.”

”Oh, you’re confident of winning?”

I said it in a joking tone, but there was no smile on his face.

I don’t want the mood to get heavy. I want to put the serious stuff on the back burner, forget about the dark family history and the curse, and focus on the present. But Heo-Sang doesn’t seem to want to let the topic go. So, what can I do? I have to let it go at the leisure of an adult with one more year to live.

“But what can I do? I have to go now.”

“…That’s cowardly.”

There’s no point in accusing me of cowardice. I chuckle, but keep a wary eye on him.

“So you don’t like me?”

I ask, and he denies that it’s true. I keep thinking about it because it’s so cute, and I can’t help but think about how he’s so embarrassed, with a sideways glance at me. But for some reason, he didn’t say anything about what he was thinking.

Are you really mad at me…

“I’ll go then.”

As I quietly rose from my seat and opened the classroom door, a calm voice called out to me.

“Teacher.”

“Yes?”

“Can you stop asking me that now?”

Did he catch me enjoying the reaction? Or does he really hate me now.

“Why?”

I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Unlike my nervousness, he didn’t blink an eye.

“Because there’s no way I’m going to end up hating you.”

I’d forgotten for a moment that he had a knack for saying huge things in a casual tone.

“Haha, …I don’t want you to like me.”

Once again, I laughed.

I retraced my steps back to the bus stop and headed for the cliff in front of the church. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed, I always went here to clear my mind. But tonight, even the sound of the waves couldn’t calm me down.

The moon had risen in the dark sky, but not a single ray of light could illuminate my darkened mind.

‘Teacher. Do you like anyone?’

I can’t love someone until I die. No, I shouldn’t love. I looked at my mum’s suicide note and made up my mind. But I hesitated to answer that easy question, as if I had a stone in my throat. The word “no” wouldn’t come out, like a stone in my throat.

I wondered why. What was bothering me so much.

‘Is there anything bothering you lately?’

‘… Teacher.’

At first, I was just curious, but I also felt sorry for him because he couldn’t socialise with his peers and was alone in the corner. I was just trying to help him take his first steps into the world. But before I knew it, I was genuinely enjoying my time with him. Most of all, I was happy that Heo-Sang that was pushing everything away was allowing me to be myself.

It should have ended there.

Helping him get back out into the world. My role should have ended there.

’Because there’s no way I’m going to end up hating you.’

Suddenly, the way he looked at me changed subtly. I couldn’t help but notice. I wondered if I, who knew every little habit of his imagination, hadn’t noticed, but I pretended not to. I wanted to bury everything as it was, so that he would one day think I was just confused by one of the many types of love that exist in this world. No, it had to be.

“Really… pathetic….”

If you can’t see it through to the end, don’t start. He must have thought that because the kids called me teacher, the wary child trusted him and followed him, that he was actually doing something.

Stupid. It’s stupid, because you’ll never be able to repay him.

Swaa-

I stood at the edge of the cliff and stared out to sea. The black waves crashed against the rocks with unrelenting force. I knew that if I jumped in there now, all my doubts would be wiped clean. Without hesitation, I leapt into the water.

Splash.

I could hear the sound of water droplets through my deaf ears. The cold sea slowly took away my body heat, but why did my mind stay the same? The colder my hands and feet became, the clearer my mind became. I wish I could sink like this, melt away all the feelings I don’t want to admit.

Then maybe I could end up happily ever after, loving no one…

I let myself be carried away by the lapping waves and closed my eyes with a sigh.

I don’t know how much time has passed since then, but I can faintly hear a voice in my daze.

“… Teacher…”

My body shook violently. I didn’t want to open my eyes, just let them drift like a piece of trash in the ocean, wondering who was waking me up like this.

“John hyung!”

The dry, cracked voice snapped me out of my reverie. I struggled to lift my eyelids and saw a jet-black outline through the whiteness of my vision. As my vision gradually returned, I realised it was Heo-Sang. As soon as I saw my hair and clothes soaked through and clinging to my skin, I burst out laughing.

“Puhat, you look like a drowning mouse.”

No, it wasn’t me that was funny, it was the face I had tried so hard to erase from my memory, and I was glad to see it again. That was the kind of resolve I had. A shallow, fragile, wordy resolution.

His face, on the other hand, was horribly distorted. His reddened eyes looked like they were about to burst into tears at the slightest touch.

“…Sang-yi?”

Only then did he realise the gravity of the situation and cautiously called out his name. Then Hajae closed his eyes tightly, as if he were holding back something. The voice that emerged from his reddened lips was shaky and trembling.

“Is it because of me?”

“…What do you mean?”

“I mean, are you doing this because I’m giving you trouble.”

“Oh, that’s not possible, I just jumped because it looked cool.”

I don’t want to be serious. I want to laugh it off and move on. Jumping into the ocean was really just that. I wasn’t afraid, because I knew I wasn’t going to die, but my laughter turned out to be poison.

Heo-Sang, who had been cautious about grabbing me by the collar, squeezed my jaw hard and screamed.