Chapter 195: Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov

"Tenten? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know, post-apocalyptic shenanigans and such. This is one of my worlds, you might say, where I 'hang' out. I am going to be your trusty little sidekick! I can answer some questions now that you have got everything you could out of your girlfriend! Plus, I am here to help you buy new guns and upgrades at the end of every round!" Tenten explained excitedly.

"Good, I was starting to get worried about the next round. Everything past this area is blank for me, all the info I have is for this area. How do you and Dave know each other?" Aquina asked as she examined him.

"I met Tenten two games ago in the Random world, but you were with Irellia at the time."

That gave me a bit of pause, but I didn't think there was any way they could be working together. Irellia hadn't brought Tenten with her when she came to the Duke's castle, but how was I supposed to know if he wasn't still working for her in some form? I was probably wrong, but I would sooner be wrong and rude, than right and dead.

"Do you work for Irellia? or have you seen her since?"

I was sure she was frozen, but then I thought Reginald got kicked out of the game, now he is MainFrame, and making my life hell. What If Tyson was out there? That was just what I needed right now was for Fate to jump out from around a corner. I had no real information to go on besides what I knew and I could get out of mom, but Tenten somewhat put my worries to rest.

"No, I was looking after the weapons store, well my weapon store. I host as a guide and Armory in many games, and you kind of remind me of another guy I met before, not as stupid, but very pushy about getting his way! That woman was just part of the decorations, why? Are you looking for her?" Tenten asked with question marks for eyes.

"No, she betrayed me in the last game, well, she has been for a while now and got a friend killed. There always seems to be someone in each game trying to stir up some kind of trouble for me and the girls. So, I was just touching base to make sure that you aren't working for her."

"No way! I don't work for people, I am a proud entrepreneur and a small business owner! So, working with a person like that could be bad for sales, you should have asked me, I would have told you she was a bad nut! She kept meeting with a man that was your age, and she met with him right before you met her for the first time, and they were sucking face, I almost puked up static! You people sure do a lot of weird things, like, does her spit really taste that good?"

Man, right under my nose, that bugger, I was starting to feel like Having Tyson pop out wasn't such a bad idea after all. I was going to whoop the shit out of the boy when I got ahold of him!

"Tenten, this isn't the time for that right now, I can tell you about swapping spit later. What do we have to do to fix this thing?"

"Just touch it, the parts will fix themselves into place and you will get a Hammer Sandwich shoved into you!" 

"Ugh, don't say it like that, please!"

I slapped my hand down on the machine as Aquina giggled beside me as the machine came to like in front of me. The sign lit up and then some music started playing.

"Feeling short on blood, or stammered? Bend over so you can get hammered!"

"Alright, who is thinking up this shit?"

[Hammer Sandwich] Buff Acquired! 

"Tenten, what does this do for us?" Aquina asked.

"The Hammer Sandwich will increase your total health, but it really just means you get four wacks instead of three. I see the look on your face, I'm getting to it! Each time a monster hits you, your health goes down, duh, but after ten seconds of staying out of harm's reach, your gage will fill back up."

"Then why do we have things like Bandages then?"

"You are just a bag full of questions today! Bandages are used to revive survivors you find! Yes, don't worry I know your a dumb dumb, so old Tenten here will explain for you. Survivors will be found along the way and they can join your party if you can help them, some of them are not all hurt, some of them need help in other ways, and these meetings will happen during the round, but the player cannot join you until the current round is finished!"

"So, onward to the big scary-looking church? Something about this game mode and tight spaces just doesn't seem like it should mix!" I complained.

"Yes, but we should get you a better gun! You too missy, those pea shooters need an upgrade, and boy oh boy, do I have some cool flea shooters for you! But, first, jeez, I have to offer you Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov's services, but you don't have to take it, or talk to him!"

"Ivan? Is that the drunk cosmonaut?"

"If you mean the drunken ASSHOLE cosmonaut floating up in space with his head up...sorry miss, I forgot there was a lady in the area."

"Oh, don't stop on my account, this was starting to sound good, hehe!" Aquina laughed.

"So, how do I get ahold of him?"

"Weren't you just listening to me? The Man puts vodka in his cereal and throws his boots in his soup once a week for some variety! The man is nuts, and an asshole, did I tell you he was an asshole?"

"Woah, TV dinner! What did Ivan ever do to you? You sound pretty sour about him!"

"The man can't tell you where the weapons pod will land, but it somehow almost always hits me! The asshat is three sheets to the wind all the time, and yet he somehow can predict where I am going and almost vaporizes me each time!"

"I could see how that might make you a little bit hesitant about calling him, but I have a skill and I think it might help out a lot, just stand by me. I'm sure he won't try to hit a player, hehe, plus look on the bright side, if it comes close to hitting us, we don't have to go looking for it!"

"Fine, I am going between your legs for this call! And don't say I didn't warn you!"

I looked over at Aquina and she just shrugged. Honestly, could he really be that bad? He was an NPC like Tenten, but some NPC had overpowering personalities, so who knew what would happen with his call to space. Who knows, maybe he missed talking to people?

"Put me through to him."

"Okay, but I warned you, Dialing Asshole Cosmonaut...ring, ring...ring, ri…"

"Who the fuck is this person calling me? Don't you know this national drinking hour?" Asked a male voice with a thick Russian accent.

"Uh, I don't have time to call back in an hour."

"Good, I wouldn't want to hear from you then either. Plus, it would still be national drinking hour!"

"When is it not national drinking hour?"

"HA! See, now you're getting it! Tenten, you little floating monitor, didn't you tell him that I was an asshole and not to call me?"

"Numerous times," Tenten complain from between my legs

"Listen, space cowboy…"

"Hey, Hey, HEY! I am not some silly Yanky Doodle on some fucking pony up here! Fine, whatever, you want a fucking gun? Give Ivan your money."

"How much?"

"I said, give me your money! Radiobox, is your sound turned down? Or is this matryoshka just stacked with more idiots inside?"

"I sorry Mr. Ivan, Dave doesn't boast to have an overwhelming INT stat, so just bear with him, pretty please?" Aquina asked in her sweetest voice.

"Huh? What was that beautiful voice? You did not say you had a pretty lady down there with you! Fine, I only charge you five thousand points! And I don't want to answer any more stupid questions, so do you want it or not?" 

This mother fucker, that was all my points save a couple; was it worth the risk? I had the skill, but what if it didn't work because it was random and I didn't have the option of picking? 

'Hey, Mom, are you there?'

'Your skill will still activate because something is being picked from more than one choice, but you will not be able to choose the other choice.' -Tequila.

"Fine, take my money you drunk twat!"

"Hey! There is no need to bring my ex-wife into this! So, gonna spin the old barrel of monkey to see what piece of shit falls out first? Okay, releasing pod full of donkey shit, and no refunds, now fuck off!" Ivan yelled at me, and then the call cut off.

"Well that was pleasant, where do we find this pod?"

"Once we start the next round, I'm sure that Ivan will find us with the pod. He has seemed to take a real liking to you, so it is more than likely that this next round will be over fast." Tenten stared blankly as he spoke, and floated forward.

"Why will the next round be over so fast?" Aquina asked in puzzlement, looking back and forth between me and Tenten.

"Because Ivan is going to kill Dave with the pod he drops."