CH ss - 7

–I wonder if I was born the way my parents wanted me to be?

If you are an adolescent, you may have these doubts as part of your mental growth and struggles.

And I’m sure everyone’s answer to these questions is:

“I don’t know.”

That’s the end of the story.

If you ask your parents, you may get bland answers and loving words.

However, only the individual who made the statement knows whether or not they meant it.

But honestly speaking, even if it’s a lie, it’s nice to hear someone say so.

At the very least, it shows that they are trying to fulfill their parental duties, and it gives you a sense of security and relief.

And most importantly, it shows that the family as a whole has been formed.

Based on this point, I can say this.

–I don’t have a family.

Technically, I do, but I simply don’t have anyone I can consider a parent.

I’ve never felt love from my parents, not even once.

“I wish I had never been born.”

These words replayed over and over in my head like a curse…….　

It’s a phrase I’ve been hearing since I was a child, to the point where I have calluses on my ears.

When I trace back my faint memories of my childhood, I remember vividly that there were people I didn’t know coming in and out of our house.

It was both men and women.

I was a child, and I didn’t understand why so many different people were coming and going …….

“Do I have a lot of fathers and mothers?” I even misunderstood.

One day, I moved into my current rundown apartment.

That’s when it all started. It was a big change from my old life ……

And my parents were no longer home …….

–When you grow up, even a fool will understand.

Both of my parents were unfaithful …… and devoted to playing with men and women.

Both of my parents were still young.

Maybe they were still unsatisfied with their youth, or maybe they were just in love.

But I don’t know the truth.

I don’t know enough about them to understand them.

But I do know one thing.

I was a hindrance to both of them.

Well, it’s only natural after hearing so much about them since childhood.

They left me in a shabby apartment, and one of them came to check on me once in a while, as if they were on duty.

They kept me away from their own living space, as if they had put me in a prison.

After I became a junior high school student, only my father came.

–He must have gotten divorced again.

Before that, was it my mother who had come to check on me?

Was it the second mother?

Was it the third?

Or was it a mistress?

Is the first person he met before even my mother in the first place?

It’s hard to tell…….

I’ve met so many people that I don’t know……..

Even if I did ask, I wouldn’t get much of a response.

So I don’t know what the truth is – I don’t know anything.

As the days went on, even my father, who used to show up once in a while, became just a person who left me enough money to live with.

What is a family?

I tried not to think about it.

“Family love never existed in the first place.” I came to understand in my childish way.

Marriage is not this kind of empty relationship …….

After I understood this, I began to feel that love and relationships between men and women were “trivial”.

It is a natural consequence of being placed in this kind of environment that I would feel disgusted, and that I would not want to become a romantic person like my parents, who were as passionate about love as they were.

So I don’t make any strange misunderstandings, nor do I have any expectations.

Above all – I don’t even want to admit it.

Marriage?

Pledge of eternal love?

It’s ridiculous to think that there could be more than one eternity.

However, while I had such thoughts, there was a time when I craved the warmth of family.

In other words, I was hungry for familial love.

That’s why I can’t leave a crying child alone, or why I lend a hand when someone is in trouble, because I’m sure I overlap myself with the person concerned.

It is very lonely when you are crying, sad, and in trouble, but no one will lend you a hand…….

However, that is only in past tense….. Now, I don’t want familial love in the slightest.

But at the time, I wanted to be part of a family. There was a time when I drunkenly thought, “I want to go back.”

At that time, I had come to the conclusion that if I worked hard and was recognized as necessary, if I was thought to be valuable, the environment at home could change.

So I made the effort anyway.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a genius brain that can understand something once I hear it.

That’s why I tried so hard.

My heart was about to break, but I kept pushing myself forward, dreaming of a future that might change.

In order to be recognized as capable and worthy, even if only a little, I worked hard…….

As a result, thanks to my efforts in the high school entrance examinations, I was able to pass the entrance exam to a public school that was considered one of the top three schools, although it was a bit far away.

At that time, I was pleased with my success.

–It might change.

–My dark life might start to be colored.

I had a faint hope in my heart.

Then, in high spirits, I made a phone call next to my friend to tell my father that I had passed.

I must have been really excited at that time.

Just remembering it makes me feel bitter. I had forgotten, if only for a moment, what my parents had done to me and how they had behaved…….

As it turned out – it was useless.

“Don’t call me about trivial things.”

When these words were thrown at me, I heard something in me snap.

At the same time, I cursed myself for my stupidity.

I wondered why I had called such a person.

It would have been better if I had just contacted him about school fees, living expenses, and the bare necessities, like I had been doing in the past…….

Yes, I forgot the most important thing.

This family is not going to change or anything – it never existed.

It’s already been destroyed, not ruined.

But this was unavoidable.

Because I was a junior high school student, I hadn’t been able to accept the reality yet.

I couldn’t let go of my faint hope that it might be possible.

After that, I was just powerless.

I couldn’t motivate myself to study, and my socializing, which had always been my weakness, became even more difficult.

The reason why I started working part-time was because I wanted to completely cut off my relationship with my parents. …… No, that’s not it…….

Maybe I just wanted to immerse myself in something and escape from reality.

That’s why I don’t want to fall in love, or be in love, or cling to anything, or be dominated by anything, or believe in anything.

And I don’t think I’ll ever live a life of love like them.

–It is arrogant and useless to seek for something formless, invisible feelings and hopes…….

That’s what I called out to myself as I headed to my part-time job today.

With no goals, I was just trying to make money to live.

Feeling the emptiness of such days, I pedaled my bicycle.

“I guess I did badly on the test today anyway……. Well, what do I care?”

The test that no one cares about anyway.

I don’t care about the results.

That’s why I’m talking to myself.

It’s just a rant that no one will ever hear.