Chapter 30: Trust

Chapter 30: Trust

The hummer was wrecked, so Mancini radioed in and was told he needed to hoof it down to the NYCEM, a distance of about four miles.

We can make that in an hour if we go carefully, said Mancini, putting his radio away. Nothing were not used to.

Let me guess, said Serenity. They want us to come in for more meetings?

A debrief, yes. What you saw the Nemesis 2s doing Mancini trailed off, expression bleak.

Serenity laughed, the sound jagged. Its three in the morning, Ive been sober for longer than I can remember, and now we need to go back for more meetings? Im starting to understand what the real horror of this apocalypse is.

Decisions are going to be made, said Mancini. Youll want to be there.

Decisions are never made, said Serenity. Other than to have more meetings to discuss making future decisions.

James stepped up beside her. Hey.

She turned, stared at him, her expression a mixture of hostile, lost, furious, and devastated. He held her gaze, hand on her shoulder, and just took in what he was seeing.

Hed seen it before.

Far too many times.

Some people deteriorate on the street. It grinds them down. The endless litany of small indignities punctuated by sharp moments of violence or abuse. A gradual erosion of their sense of self, the implosion of their pride, the allure of temptation, of drugs or booze or theft or violence.

James had come to recognize a certain look. Folks would get it just before things got really dark, as if some instinctual part of them realized they were about to lose their bearings forever. Or, at least, thats how it felt in the moment, because there were no forevers on the street.

A look that warned that something fundamental about them was about to snap like a slender twig between their fingers. One more push and theyd go over the edge, accept the offered needle, shoplift stupidly, consider walking out into the night without any intention of coming back.

He saw it now in Serenitys eyes. Her basic humanity had been wounded by what shed seen. She was close to the edge. Needed to process, to vent, to get that evil out of her system. Dragging her to the NYCEM would be a catastrophe.

James? Her voice was somewhere between a plead and a whisper. Lets just go to Hermans, yeah?

Yeah, he said heavily, and her relief was like the rising sun, tears brimming immediately in her eyes as she fought to smile and not cry with relief. We havent checked in on Herman in a few days.

Thats right. She wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. We havent. Can't forget our friends.

Mancini stared at him, but the young mans preternatural maturity and wisdom, earned no doubt in ways James couldnt fathom in Afghanistan, led him to only nod his head in acceptance. Lets get moving, then. Well stay together for as long as possible.

They jogged slowly along the sidewalk. They werent the only ones out. Here and there they saw groups or individuals out hunting. More than a few were cautiously aura trawling gremlins, wary of the Nemeses 2s but determined to level. Others were moving in bands, some armed with machetes, others with baseball bats, a few with pistols.

All had the same hard-bitten look of determination.

Humanity on the rebound.

Mancini led them at a mile-eating jog, slow and steady along the sidewalk, and theyd greet other folks with a wave but rarely stop to talk.

A couple of miles later they reached Washington Ave, which Serenity indicated was where theyd split.

Well be at the NYCEM, said Mancini. Keep your phone charged. Ill text updates, will only call if its urgent.

Ill spend an Aeviternum at dawn, said James. Probably drop by after that. Ill need to coordinate with Jessica for the mornings meet n greet.

Sounds good. Mancini forced a smile. Enjoy the drinks.

The fire team said their goodbyes and jogged off.

Well, said Serenity brightly. Looks like were off duty. Shall we?

They jogged south, another twenty minutes of Brooklyn blocks, some looking weirdly normal, untouched by the invasion, others looking more like war zones with crashed cars and shattered windows. Gremlins bounded out of the shadows to assault them, and occasionally they built up a real following, but then theyd simply stop and let the wave burn itself out, the gremlins hissing and spitting and clawing as they ashed six or seven feet away.

James watched them die. Hard to believe hed been terrified of them once. Had run in abject fear of his first gremlin what felt like a lifetime ago. Hundreds upon hundreds emerged from the shadows to assault them, but neither of them gained a level.

Guess weve graduated to bigger things, said Serenity.

It was past four when they reached Hermans. James had quietly wondered if the place would even be open, if Herman would feel enough attachment to the bar to keep it going when the rest of the world was falling apart, but Serenity was confident.

He lives above the bar. Its either open, or hell open it for us.

James reached out and put his hand over her own.

No! She snatched her hand back. I mean, Im OK! She glared at him, wild eyed. I mean -

You dont have to be anything.

Of course I do. Her expression began to crumple. I have to stop being the worlds biggest fuck-up and become, like, a super soldier in less than a week, and super chill about it all, just feeling nothing and shooting demons like I was born for this, like this was my destiny, and I dont know Her eyes were wide, her pupils dilated, her face pale. I dont know if I can do this, James.

That last came out a whisper.

James held her gaze, frowning, listening.

She blinked, focused on him. Im not this cool killer lady Ive been pretending to be. I mean, I tricked myself too there for a while, actually thought to myself: hey, Serenity, you can be the funny chick, joking about shit and letting nothing touch you, but what the fuck? What the actual fuck? Im so out of my depth it makes me want to scream.

We all are.

Youre not. Youre cool as a fucking cucumber, like you were born to play this role. And Ive been trying, Ive been trying so hard, but seeing that man and, I mean, whats going to happen next? Were just getting started. How much worse is it going to get? 85 days till the Pits open, and were already at demons covering buildings in human paste?!

Yeah. James stared down at his whiskey. I hear you.

But it doesnt faze you. Her tone filled with wonder. Youre just like an oak tree, solid and with roots that keep you grounded. That used to inspire me, but now its infuriating. Why the fuck arent you flipping out?

James frowned, turned his glass around. I dont know.

Her voice turned vicious. Not good enough. Weve been through too much shit in too little time for you to not square with me.

James pursed his lips, nodded. Maybe its because He trailed off, trying to put words to his emotions. Dug deep in the way he normally tried to avoid. Maybe its because I lost everything that really mattered to me years ago. His voice was soft, and Serenity stilled. In all the ways that mattered, I died when I lost my family. It makes it easier, I guess, to face these demons as a result.

Because you dont have anything to live for?

No, I do. Ive rediscovered that I care about people. I want to help. I want to kill these demons." He chuckled shakily. "I want all of that pretty badly. But Again he trailed off. It felt like trying to choke up a cinder block. He dry swallowed, then took a sip of the whiskey. I guess Im not too concerned about myself in this equation. What happens to me. Which makes it easier to face this darkness. I dont have much to lose.

The silence drew out. He could feel her staring at him. Felt uncomfortable for even saying that much.

What happened? she asked at last. To your family?

Hed been asked that question so many times. He felt his shoulders hunch, felt his heart begin to race. Normally this was where he deflected the question or got up and left. But he couldnt. Not this time. He didnt know what he and Serenity were becoming. Friends? War companions? Something more? But either he trusted her with his pain, or he didnt, and that would determine everything that came after.

A guy broke into our house while I was at work. A wash of heat flooded through him, and his hands suddenly felt jittery, his chest tight. His throat cramped up, and it took a serious drink from the whiskey to loosen it up. He killed my daughters, then raped and killed my wife.

There. Hed said it. His heart had expanded to the size of a drum, was pounding, pounding, and his skin prickled all over. Hed said those words maybe a dozen times over the last seven years, and only twice when not absolutely hammered.

Hed regretted sharing his past every single time.

Serenity didnt respond immediately. When she did, her tone was bleak. Im so sorry, James.

Yeah. He sat up straight, took up the bottle of whiskey and refilled his glass. Nothing seemed to make sense after that. My boss was great, but theres only so many times I could not show up to work before he had to let me go. I stopped making mortgage payments, so eventually I was evicted. I dont remember much of that first year on the street. I just kind of wandered around in a daze. Eventually I came back enough to cash out all my retirement plans and drank that away over the following six months, and then there was nothing. No ties. Nothing.

Your friends? Extended family?

They learned to let me go. An old sadness. Old pains. I didnt want their pity or to be saved. I just wanted to be left alone. They figured it out, eventually.

Oh James. Now it was her turn to reach out and put her hand over his.

They remained thus for a long while, neither speaking, till at last James inhaled deeply and forced the pain away. And to his surprise it wasnt as devastating as it had always been. It was bad, but it was growing old, or perhaps it was all the horror hed seen this past week, standing like a misty glass wall between him and his old remorse. Hed seen so much death and horror that his own bereavement felt familiar. Worn, like an old river stone.

He forced a grim smile at Serenity, who watched him with a complex expression of her own. So thats why I think Ive hung in there so far. All Ive got left is I dont know, like a steady and strong desire to help out while I can. And when my run comes to its end, then He shrugged. Then so be it.

Serenity nodded, then ducked under the bar and came around to where he sat. He turned to face her, and she hugged him, held him tight, chin on his shoulder.

Thank you for telling me, she whispered. For trusting me. And for as long as youre around, Ill be there, too.

His chest swelled as he heard the promise in her words, and he closed his eyes, held her tight. Gratitude welled up within him. A warm sensation of growing trust, the hope that maybe, just maybe, hed found a good person at long last with whom he could face the world.

Thanks, he said, voice rough. Lets face this shit together.

Serenity pulled back, tears in her eyes, smile broken, lopsided, but real. Yeah. Lets.