CH 248

Xing Conglian was snapped back to reality by a tap, emerging from his jumbled and confused memories.

He lowered his head and heard the doctor say, “The second treatment option involves a large dosage of chloropromazine. However, this type of medication for psychiatric disorders may affect brain or cardiac functions, and the side effects are quite apparent. Nevertheless, it is one of the most effective medications for addressing similar issues…”

He couldn’t hear the rest of the conversation, probably because Lin Chen was whispering in the ward, babbling all sorts of incoherent words.

Xing Conglian carefully tried to discern what he was saying, but the air was too quiet. The fragmented and muffled voice seemed to fill the entire space like cotton, perhaps saying “don’t hit” or “please”. These voices, laden with pain, became increasingly oppressive, causing turmoil within him.

“…Consultant Lin didn’t reject this treatment option…”

Those crucial words brought him back to his senses once again. Yes, after they had finished their conversation, Lin Chen had explicitly requested to be treated at the Tzu Chi Hospital and had even selected a former professor at his university as the attending physician.

Lin Chen, like an outsider, swiftly discussed each treatment plan and detail with the doctor. He even chose a specialized department and room specifically for patients with schizophrenia, as he was an expert in that field.

However, Xing Conglian couldn’t comprehend how, in such a moment, Lin Chen could still handle everything so clearly, as if nothing was amiss.

He rubbed his face, forcing himself not to look into the ward or listen to Lin Chen’s voice. He asked the doctor, “You are the doctor. I want to hear your opinion.”

“After all, this is a new type of drug, and there is no literature available. Although it is indeed possible to proceed with the initial treatment plan as a trial, it is also undoubtedly risky. Honestly, I think we can wait a few more days, collect treatment plans from other cases, and then make a judgment.”

Xing Conglian interrupted the doctor, saying, “He wants to regain consciousness quickly. He must regain consciousness.”

The doctor’s face clearly displayed a fleeting expression of disappointment, but it was very subtle, quickly fading away. After all, this was a hospital specializing in the treatment of mental disorders, and the doctors were accustomed to dealing with harsh and demanding family members. Xing Conglian self-deprecatingly thought that he was merely an ordinary, harsh boss hoping for his subordinates to recover quickly and get back to work.

But what else could he do? Lin Chen had made it clear that he wanted to receive treatment like any other person. He had also said, “Remember to come and visit me,” hoping that Xing Conglian would urge the doctor to treat him.

At this moment, Xing Conglian finally realized that when it came to any decision made by Lin Chen, he had only one path to take—to accept and support it.

Because Lin Chen was always so clear, so correct, so exceptional, and always selflessly throwing himself into every situation, leaving others unable to resist.

That was the Lin Chen he loved.

Yet, a profound sense of disappointment and frustration overwhelmed him once again. Even though there were people around him speaking all the time, Xing Conglian felt as if he stood in a dark and desolate world. The frigid wind howled around him, making him feel more isolated than ever.

He took a deep breath, unsure of what to do. Lin Chen was inside, and he was outside. They were so close, yet it felt like an infinite distance separated them.

Just then, his phone rang.

He hadn’t put it on silent, so when the piano melody played in the cramped space, he even felt a sense of relief.

When one was lost and bewildered, something always reached out with an olive branch to save you, like work.

Xing Conglian apologized to the doctor and retreated to a dim corner, leaning against the wall as he answered the call.

Huang Ze’s voice came through. “Xing Conglian, why did Su Fengzi come here?”

He hadn’t expected Huang Ze to sound annoyed, even slightly fearful. There were sounds of someone smashing a glass in the background. Ultimately, such “power struggles” were no different from quarrels among children, with the expected anger and irrationality.

“He came because he wanted to. I can’t control him,” Xing Conglian replied.

“Do you know what he’s up to?” Huang Ze was furious. “He has no official position, but he’s forcing himself into the investigation!”

Huang Ze, as always, emphasized procedural justice.

“Well, you can just arrest him,” Xing Conglian said casually.

There was a brief silence on the other end of the line, and Xing Conglian frowned. The next moment, a very casual and cheerful voice came through the phone. “Lao Xing, how’s my shidi doing?”

Xing Conglian raised his eyelids and looked at the ward not far away. The doctor was administering new treatment medication to Lin Chen. The busy figures appeared hazy and ethereal, as if veiled in a layer of black gauze.

“He’s temporarily stable,” he replied.

Su Fengzi didn’t ask any further questions but changed the subject. “Since that’s the case, there’s something interesting happening at Zhourui’s place. Do you want to join?”

Xing Conglian instinctively wanted to refuse Su Fengzi.

He believed that he should be sitting outside the ward, going through this difficult time with Lin Chen, as Lin Chen had suggested, as any considerate lover would do.

But his rationality told him very clearly that he should leave. Staying would just torment the both of them. After all, his love was still too short-lived, and this torment would continue to erode the love between them.

Outside the hospital, the night was silent and still. Xing Conglian hung up the phone, took out his car keys, and walked away.

……

The car window was rolled down low, and the darkness of the night rushed in.

With one hand on the steering wheel, Xing Conglian held a cigarette in the other.

The sparks flickered.

Around eight or nine o’clock was another peak hour in the city, and the main roads were still crowded with vehicles. Neon lights outside the window surged like a tide, gliding across the car body.

He turned on the car radio, keeping the volume low. The radio host didn’t mention anything related to the case anymore; nighttime radio shows mostly played emotional songs.

The female host’s affectionate words flowed out, but due to the noise of passing traffic outside, Xing Conglian couldn’t clearly hear what she was saying. It was probably something along the lines of “he loves her, but she doesn’t love him,” a content he had never heard before.

It was only then that Xing Conglian recalled why he had rarely listened to similar emotional midnight radio programs in the past.

When Lin Chen wasn’t around, he sneered at these sentimental programs. Honestly, deep down, he never believed that he could have such a beautiful love. Whether it was due to pride or loneliness, he, a person who inherently rejected many things in the world, believed that ending up lonely was the most suitable outcome for himself.

Now, looking back, he realized how foolish that self-set image of a solitary hero was, because he had met Lin Chen.

After getting to know Lin Chen, the passenger seat had always belonged to him.

Lin Chen didn’t talk much, but their casual conversations were more soothing to Xing Conglian than the mellow jazz music in the night.

In his memory, there was a time when they returned from a business trip, driving through the night.

In the early morning hours, even the night traffic on the highway had become sparse. Wang Chao was snoring in the back seat while Lin Chen, wearing a seatbelt, nestled in his seat, exhausted but still chatting with him.

Both of them were tired, but they would lightly and cheerfully discuss the scenery of the city they had just passed, reflect on touching details from the meetings, and occasionally mention a broken light bulb at home that needed to be replaced when they returned.

He couldn’t remember the specific details anymore, but he remembered that they had talked a lot. It was all because Lin Chen was afraid that he would get drowsy while driving, so he kept talking.

Those voices, relaxed and comfortable, accompanied by yawns and sleepiness, kept sounding, both ordinary and considerate. Now, with those voices suddenly gone by his side, Xing Conglian felt a disturbing emptiness in the car. Unconsciously, he unbuttoned his shirt collar and rolled down the car window to the lowest point.

The night breeze flowed into the car, and memories of that journey resurfaced in Xing Conglian’s mind.

Later, they drove into a rest area. Xing Conglian smoked in the parking lot while Lin Chen went to buy two cups of hot coffee. The highway rest stops rarely had freshly ground black coffee, so it was mostly instant coffee.

There were only a few trucks in the surrounding parking lot, and the stars in the night sky were bright and brilliant. Lin Chen came back holding two steaming paper cups, handing one to him.

The coffee had a layer of foam on top, and the liquid was rich and flavorful. Some steam dispersed into the air, much like the gaze Lin Chen had on him at that time.

They both took a sip of coffee without saying a word, gazing at the velvety night sky. Perhaps they felt warmth and tranquility in each other’s presence, so neither of them spoke.

Xing Conglian couldn’t help but glance at the passenger seat. He always felt like he could still see Lin Chen’s lower lip stained with coffee, carrying a sweet scent, and his eyes gleaming brightly.

It was in that moment that Xing Conglian suddenly realized that whenever he drove at night, Lin Chen hardly ever slept. Those words and coffee, hot tea, and the waiting while he smoked—they were the most ordinary yet extraordinary companionship.

He hadn’t been aware of this before, and now that he had suddenly lost it, he realized how terrifying habits could be, making his whole body tremble.

Xing Conglian felt panic once again. He picked up his phone and started scrolling through his contacts without any specific purpose, trying to distract himself from the memories by focusing on work.

But before he could find someone to talk to, he received a call from Guanghua Chemicals.

Wang Chao sounded excited because Xiao Zhan had made some progress in the drug research.

As Xing Conglian answered the call, Wang Chao spoke a lot, using lengthy technical terms. Xing Conglian didn’t have the mental capacity to listen to them, but in order to avoid thinking about Lin Chen randomly, he forced himself to take note of the contents and repeatedly confirm his understanding.

This phone call consumed the duration of about seven or eight traffic lights. If it weren’t for Wang Chao asking at the end, “How is A’Chen Gege doing?” Xing Conglian might have truly escaped from his memories.

However, his efforts had clearly failed. Lin Chen was right—there was so much work, and he couldn’t finish it all in his lifetime.

He hung up the phone and turned up the volume of the car radio.

The ambient sound reverberated loudly, yet he felt the car cabin becoming even quieter.

Lin Chen was good to Wang Chao, not because he had a secret crush on him or was influenced by a herd mentality. Xing Conglian was well aware of this, just like with the chubby kid who introduced them. Lin Chen had a strong protective instinct toward these innocent beings.

They had also discussed Wang Chao’s education when he couldn’t hear them.

In the face of Lin Chen, Xing Conglian had asked him in confusion whether Wang Chao was too naive, as his mental age seemed too childish.

At that time, Lin Chen furrowed his brows, deep in thought, and didn’t immediately answer his question.

Xing Conglian thought that perhaps Lin Chen was reluctant to criticize him directly. But maybe it was a few hours later, deep into the night, when Lin Chen handed him a book titled <The Psychology of Abnormal Children>.

The book was filled with various colored tabs, and many paragraphs inside were marked with special annotations.

They sat by the window, and Lin Chen flipped through the book page by page, explaining about gifted children and teaching him to understand the concept of mental age, among other related topics. Like a devoted scholar, he was both serious and adorable.

The desk lamp cast a dim yellow light, the spring breeze was gentle, and the reflection of the river water fell on Lin Chen’s face. Xing Conglian wondered if, at that moment, he had already developed feelings for Lin Chen without even realizing it.

He kept thinking and thinking, his mouth dry and tongue parched, only to realize that the cigarette in his hand had burned out without him noticing. There was a pile of scattered cigarette ash on his pants.

He flicked away the cigarette butt and thought of lighting another one, but just as the traffic light turned green, he happened to turn into a small road sandwiched between residential areas.

Many of the shops on both sides had already closed, but the late-night snack shops had just opened.

This place was very close to their home. Countless mornings, he and Lin Chen had come here side by side to have breakfast.

Their shared memories were as pervasive as the morning mist permeating the South.

Lin Chen always knew where to find the best breakfast spots, even though he loved to sleep in. Every once in a while, in the early morning, he would wake Xing Conglian up without being so considerate.

They would traverse through bustling streets and alleys, arriving at lively markets, joining the old men and women who had risen early to wait for soy milk or buy noodle soup.

For example, on Nanlin Street, there were the best buns in the entire Hongjing. Lin Chen liked the rose bean paste ones, while Xing Conglian preferred curry beef. They would each buy two and eat them as they walked.

On the side of the road, there were camphor trees with a light fragrance, and the river flowed gently through the shops along the street. Near the end of the street, wooden signs advertising houses for rent would hang from the trees—all of these images appeared vividly in his mind.

At that time, he thought it was normal for good friends to walk together to find breakfast. Now, he realized how foolish he had been.

Why did Lin Chen always know where to find delicious food? Why didn’t Lin Chen call Wang Chao? And why, no matter how far the distance, was Lin Chen willing to walk with him rather than take a car?

The answers to these questions made Xing Conglian’s heart ache with bittersweetness.

It was because Lin Chen loved him and just wanted to spend a little more time with him; that was all.

Xing Conglian dared not smoke. He even felt that any movement would shatter the scene before his eyes.

Lin Chen didn’t like spicy food but was willing to accompany him to eat spicy crayfish. Lin Chen had a good daily routine and disliked staying up late, yet he would stay up all night with him to watch soccer matches. Lin Chen always reminded him to fasten his seatbelt, and when Xing Conglian was parched and didn’t even notice it himself, Lin Chen would hand him a bottle of water with the cap already unscrewed…

All these details were too vivid and apparent. He enjoyed the love and care that went beyond friendship, but he remained completely unaware, like a complete fool.

The Zhourui Building was now within reach, but Xing Conglian felt that he couldn’t continue thinking any further. Otherwise, he would definitely abandon everything and turn the car around to rush back to Lin Chen’s side.

He stubbed out the cigarette and found a parking spot by the side of the road, deciding to walk.

The night in the bustling city was also coming to an end.

Milk tea shops were closing, bakeries displayed signs with an 80% discount on all items, and bus stops were crowded with couples.

He was surrounded by pedestrians preparing to return home; the flow of people bustled and supported each other. Under the bright neon lights of the shops, every face wore an expression of exhaustion and happiness, radiant and lively.

Xing Conglian walked forward with his hands in his pockets, constantly brushing shoulders with countless couples.

Girls coquettishly hooked their arms around boys, boys hugged girls and kissed them, and close friends bantered with each other. People talked about various topics—clothes, shoes, work, loved ones. The cacophony of voices filled the entire night, but Lin Chen’s voice was absent.

He received another phone call. His subordinate was reporting the latest progress on the drug investigation. Zhourui Pharmaceutical refused to cooperate, and they couldn’t find any breakthroughs for the time being.

Xing Conglian responded half-heartedly, informing the person that he would be there soon.

But in that instant, as he looked around, he suddenly realized that the entire world had lost its colors. Loneliness had penetrated his bones, and it was terrifying.

He even felt that no matter how much Lin Chen loved him, he might not be able to endure a similar moment again. It was too bleak, too lonely, too unbearable. He felt like a patient going through withdrawal, losing the meaning of life.

He reached into his pocket and found that the cigarette box was empty. He was forced to walk to a small cigarette stall on the street.

An old man opened a trunk under a streetlamp, displaying various kinds of cigarettes. The dim light from the streetlamp scattered down, casting everything in a dull yellow hue.

He squatted down to choose a cigarette, with couples beside him selecting jewelry. The girl was sweet-looking, and the boy appeared to be an athletic type, tall and handsome, the kind who never lacked attention from girls.

The boy questioned why the girl made him wait for so long, and the girl replied that she had to wait for her parents to fall asleep and finish applying makeup before sneaking out.

“I love you no matter how you look,” the boy said, lowering his head.

“Without colored contacts or false eyelashes, you wouldn’t like me,” the girl responded cheerfully.

Xing Conglian couldn’t help but turn his head. The girl beside him had glamorous makeup, long eyelashes, and her eyes seemed to shine in the darkness.

Perhaps he had been staring for a bit too long. The girl pointed at him and said to the boy, “See?”

“You don’t trust me.”

“It’s not about trust, but my own vanity. I want to appear beautiful in front of you every day.”

Xing Conglian averted his gaze, feeling that such a conversation would never occur between him and Lin Chen.

Lin Chen always tolerated and cared for him like a polite stranger. What was happening around him was what normal conversations between couples would sound like.

He didn’t want to listen any further, so he picked up a cigarette, asked for the price, and started to take out money.

The boy was still concerned about the issue of makeup and asked the girl, “So, if you’re sick, can’t I come and take care of you? What if you get old and take medication that drives you crazy?”

“Even if I’m sick, I’ll still put on makeup. If I get old, I’ll just die. If I take medication that turns me into a lunatic, you better not come see me. The farther away you stay, the better!”

The girl stomped her feet, frustrated, like a cat whose tail had been stepped on.

Xing Conglian’s hand, in the process of receiving change, froze. He looked at the old man’s withered fingers, feeling as if his whole body had turned to stone.

“You’re not allowed to come see me.” The girl beside him had said those words. What about Lin Chen? How would Lin Chen say it?

Xing Conglian felt as if he had returned to the ambulance. It was already dark outside, and Lin Chen’s face was blurry in the evening sun, but his voice was firm and gentle.

Lin Chen said, “You have to walk with me.” He said, “You need to focus on your work and solve the problems.” He also said, “You have to remember to come see me.”

He kept recalling every word Lin Chen said, over and over again. That incomprehensible feeling, that sense that something was off, resurfaced, like the immense shadow of an iceberg beneath the water’s surface, suffocating.

It wasn’t the girl saying, “You’re not allowed to come see me,” but rather, “You have to remember to come see me”…

Xing Conglian finally understood what was wrong with that statement.

He had always been aware of Lin Chen’s love for him. When Lin Chen kissed him, he loved him. When Lin Chen was gravely ill, he loved him. Even when Lin Chen chose to inject Shen Lian’s medication, he still loved him…

But the depth of love was too difficult to measure. He used to think it was deep affection and love that he couldn’t repay.

Yet in this moment, under this ordinary streetlamp, as he listened to the most ordinary story of a couple, he suddenly realized just how profound Lin Chen’s love for him truly was, like a roaring wave crashing down upon him.

There was a time when he felt a ringing in his ears, and Lin Chen’s voice kept echoing in his mind.

If he were to turn into a crazed, inhuman figure, the first thing he would do is drive Lin Chen away, refusing to appear before his loved one in such an ugly state.

And yet, Lin Chen cared too much for him. Even in such moments, Lin Chen would restrain his instinctive fear of exposing his own ugliness, carefully considering how to better support him. Not pushing him away, but finding ways to mentally support him during the remaining time they had together.

Lin Chen wanted him to be better, to give him hope. That’s why he appeared so incredibly strong. Lin Chen chose treatment plans solely aiming to make him less miserable. Lin Chen was even willing to completely expose his own flaws in front of him, dignity becoming completely irrelevant.

All of this was because in Lin Chen’s mind, his feelings were more important.

But how was that possible? It was Lin Chen, and how could dignity not be important?

This kind of intelligence, rationality, and care, even striving to become stronger for him in his most vulnerable moments, made Lin Chen completely irresistible. Xing Conglian stood under the streetlamp, going insane as he rushed towards his car.

At that time, Lin Chen’s gaze was too tender and affectionate, softer than the fading red glow on the horizon. He couldn’t see the fear, the unease, and the overwhelming love hidden within it. He only felt that Lin Chen was too rational, too clear-headed. He felt abandoned, he felt too lonely, so he overlooked that simple and ordinary statement.

His oversight was only natural because Lin Chen had always loved him like this. Lin Chen tried to do his best, while he simply immersed himself in it, enjoying it as a matter of course.

But how many things in the world could be taken for granted?

Xing Conglian stood in place for a long time, his ears buzzing as everything rushed past him. It wasn’t until the silhouette of that young couple completely disappeared under the streetlamp that he snapped back to reality, crazily rushing back along the same road he came.

Against the flow of people, pushing through the crowd, his hands trembling like never before. He even struggled to insert the key into the car’s ignition.

He ended the call, stepping on the gas pedal like a madman, only hoping that he hadn’t left that hospital ward.

The night had become pitch black. He had turned into a frantic, irrational beast. Everything about Lin Chen filled the space around him, and apart from running wildly, he saw no way out.

As vehicles raced on the streets, he ran down the corridor as countless frames of images roared past him.

Lin Chen laughing, Lin Chen crying, Lin Chen speaking, Lin Chen walking, Lin Chen handing him documents, Lin Chen walking out the door, Lin Chen hugging him and saying “thank you”, Lin Chen holding his hand and saying “I love you”…

The simplest scenes were the most unforgettable, resurfacing from the depths of his memory, compressing time and space infinitely.

He locked the door, turned off the lights, and pulled down the curtain. When he realized what he was doing, he was already standing in front of the hospital bed, and everything came to a sudden stop.

All the sights in the world receded like the tide, leaving only the solitary bed in space.

The surroundings were extremely dark, with moonlight slanting through the window, like drifting snow, about to bury the person on the bed completely.

Xing Conglian vaguely saw the familiar face, but at the same time, he felt like he didn’t recognize the person at all. He wanted to reach out, but he was like a person trapped in a nightmare, using all his strength but unable to move.

Time passed aimlessly until a faint, unconscious moan cracked the frozen space.

Xing Conglian looked at the hospital bed again, finally seeing Lin Chen clearly.

Lin Chen was in a dazed state, unable to speak clearly due to the medication’s side effects. His throat was swollen, and saliva even dribbled down from the corner of his mouth. He looked nothing like the clear-headed and composed person before.

Xing Conglian tried to move his fingers, recovering some control, but this recovery made his heart ache to the extreme.

“Why are you treating me like this?”

Xing Conglian’s heart painfully ached and the pain made him climb onto the bed without hesitation. He bit Lin Chen’s neck and with his other hand untied Lin Chen’s restraint.

The person on the bed soon struggled, as if wanting to beat him, even kill him. But Xing Conglian would rather have Lin Chen kill him. Dying together would be the best relief.

He forcibly pulled Lin Chen’s hands over his head and tied him tightly to the iron frame at the head of the bed.

Lin Chen’s upper body contorted in pain, but Xing Conglian felt it wasn’t enough, so he forcibly pulled down Lin Chen’s hospital trousers and underwear. He untied one after another of the white restraints that bound Lin Chen. Lin Chen’s instincts made him struggle frantically, like a true psychiatric patient.

Xing Conglian pulled Lin Chen’s underwear to his legs, and it pressed against Lin Chen’s ankles. He knew that there was no point in suppressing a madman except by pure force.

Lin Chen’s whining filled the space. Xing Conglian finally untied the bound around Lin Chen’s mouth, tore off his shirt, and kissed him vigorously.

Lin Chen was biting wildly causing their teeth to collide, which made the pain all the more unbearable. This chaos was too wild that it didn’t look like a kiss at all.

“Get… Get away!”

Lin Chen shouted with a slurred voice. His body became hot under Xing Conglian.

“Who do you want to get away?” Xing Conglian leaned in close to Lin Chen’s ear and took off his pants. He raised his voice and asked again, “Who am I? Who do you want to get away?”

“Get… Get away!” Lin Chen could only utter incoherent syllables.

Xing Conglian felt like he had completely turned into a madman himself, trying to find a definite answer in this irrational world. “Who am I? Why do you want me to get away?”

Lin Chen trembled all over, reciting mechanically in a tone buried deep in his mind that he dared not forget: “Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian…”

He pressed his penis against Lin Chen’s and grinded twice. Both of them were hot and hard.

Lin Chen trembled all over and mechanically yet in a tone that was buried deep in his mind that he didn’t dare forget, said, “Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian…”

Clear and distinct words came from Lin Chen’s mouth, each one choking Xing Conglian up. He didn’t understand the mind and brain, didn’t comprehend the human soul. He had no idea how important he was to Lin Chen, to the point where even in the depths of Lin Chen’s mental chaos, he couldn’t forget his name.

Xing Conglian reached toward the head of the bed and grabbed the cream used to help heal the wounds on Lin Chen’s body. He indiscriminately squeezed it on his finger and forcibly inserted it into Lin Chen’s hole.

Lin Chen was in intense pain. His body was tensed up, and his head kept shaking. He heard Lin Chen say, “Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian, get away…”

Xing Conglian knew that he couldn’t leave now. He had a question that he must ask, an answer that was heart-wrenching, but he had to get that answer.

He couldn’t even bring himself to look into Lin Chen’s eyes. Once again, he forcefully held onto Lin Chen and leaned in close, speaking in the coldest and most ruthless tone, “With me, you can be willful, selfish, unreasonable. I would even die with you if you didn’t want to live anymore. I just need you to answer my question, just tell me the truth.” He spoke, but soon he couldn’t hold on any longer and his voice choked. “Please, tell me the truth.”

It seemed that his pleading had worked, or perhaps it was the tears falling on Lin Chen’s face that truly brought him back to clarity.

Lin Chen’s movements came to a halt as he looked at him in confusion.

“What do you think of me?” He pressed his penis against Lin Chen’s hole as he asked.

“Don’t look at me.” In that moment of stillness, Lin Chen’s gaze was heartbreaking.

“Who doesn’t want to see you?” he asked again.

“Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian don’t look at me… Xing Conglian don’t look at me like this!” Lin Chen sobbed, like a child who had made a mistake, extremely agitated and desperate. “Xing Conglian won’t like me. Xing Conglian can’t not like me…”

Every syllable uttered by Lin Chen stabbed into his heart like a knife. Indeed, it was just like that.

All of Xing Conglian’s movements ceased, and even his heart felt like it stopped beating. He had completely stripped himself and Lin Chen. They were facing each other, naked, and the surrounding was a mess, but he had lost all ability to act.

Perhaps it was half a minute, or maybe an infinitely long time, Xing Conglian felt the blood slowly flow back to his limbs. He didn’t understand what he was doing anymore.

He propped himself up on his elbow and kissed Lin Chen’s cheek, releasing the restraints on the bed, and got up. At that moment, Lin Chen suddenly yanked him violently and said to him, in a voice that was clear, unequivocal, unambiguous, and agonizing, with an instinctive human desire for love and sex, “Enter me…”

Lin Chen’s voice was full of fear, but his eyes were crazed with love.

Xing Conglian was once again filled with overwhelming grief, tightly embracing Lin Chen.

It was an incredibly painful and firm world, just like Lin Chen’s heart. Besides bleeding and forcibly tearing open, there was no other way.

Lin Chen gasped in pain writhing out of shape as he groaned, roared, and shouted “go away” and “please” incessantly.

Xing Conglian couldn’t experience any sexual pleasure but felt that such a painful union was too suitable for lunatics like them. He kept thrusting inside Lin Chen’s, going deeper and deeper.

“Ah… Nn…” Lin Chen’s voice had long since become hoarse, unable to form complete sentences. “Love you… I…”

Xing Conglian kissed his neck vigorously, thinking if he wrecked Lin Chen’s belly*, they would no longer have to face such difficulties.

*Figuratively as in his dick is so large it makes his stomach bulge.

He had never truly understood Lin Chen, starting from the moment Lin Chen appeared at his doorstep. He had never really understood Lin Chen.

“Tell me the truth. Tell me what you’re thinking!” He pulled out and suddenly grabbed onto the roots of Lin Chen’s hair, questioning Lin Chen forcefully.

“I, I… it hurts… it hurts.” Tears overflowed from Lin Chen’s eyes. “Xing Conglian… Xing Conglian…”

“Tell me!” he roared in anger.

Lin Chen shouted almost mournfully, “I love you. I don’t want to be your friend or colleague. I want to be with you.”

“Go on!” He pulled out again and thrusted his dick back into Lin Chen’s insides.

“Why don’t you like me? Why don’t you know that I love you? My luck is so bad. I encounter so many bad people, I could die at any time. Please fall in love with me, because if I’m not careful, I might not live to see that day.” Lin Chen was in complete pain, and he couldn’t feel any erotic pleasure. His words were jumbled and illogical. “I will die. I will die soon… If I die, you won’t know that I loved you… That’s good… It’s good this way…”

Xing Conglian understood very well that he would never hear these words from Lin Chen when he was clear-minded. This filled him with immeasurable heartache, and he couldn’t find any other outlet for his emotions. He could only continue to embed Lin Chen with his penis.

“I love you, but you can’t know. But Song Shengsheng died. He was such a good person, and he died. I can’t help it. I really can’t help it… I want to give it a try. I really want to try… I shouldn’t have done that, but I really couldn’t control myself. I love you!” Lin Chen bit into his shoulder in pain.

Xing Conglian tasted the bitterness of blood and tears in his mouth. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know… I really didn’t know…” He held Lin Chen tightly. He felt more helpless and terrified than Lin Chen. Besides continuously saying “I love you” and “I’m sorry”, he was at a loss for what to do.

“I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t abandon you. Shen Lian can’t die… Even if I die, she can’t die. But I have no way out. I really can’t think of any solution… Why am I so stupid… Why am I so stupid…” Xing Conglian didn’t know what Lin Chen was thinking. He started to desperately hit his head with his hands. “Don’t be sad, don’t be upset. It’s my fault, I’m so stupid, so stupid.”

“I know… I’m sorry, truly sorry… I know you tried your best…” Xing Conglian held onto Lin Chen’s hand, feeling ashamed for the momentary thought of breaking up. “But I really don’t know what to do. I have nothing good about me. I’m not good at all. I’ve killed many people. I’m foolish and selfish. Thank you… really, thank you…”

It was so difficult for Xing Conglian. Clearly, he should be cherishing Lin Chen, treasuring him, and loving him endlessly. But no matter what he did, he could never match the love Lin Chen had for him.

He stopped all his movements and gently kissed Lin Chen’s eyelashes. He tried to slow down his movements, but he felt that only pain could resolve everything.

“Xing Conglian… I’m sorry!”

Lin Chen shouted with the last of his strength with his hoarse voice, and the pain pierced through his heart.

At that moment, Xing Conglian realized that he had already lost himself when it came to Lin Chen. He was in complete disarray.

Apart from staying with Lin Chen through life and death, he had no other path to take.

Kinky Thoughts:

Okay, I didn’t realize that there was actually smut in this novel. When I first translated it, I was extremely confused as a few chapters after this, there was mention of them having sex and I was baffled as nothing of that nature was mentioned at all. It wasn’t until much later that I found out all the sex scenes were cut out in the JJ version, so I had to do a little bit of dicktective work and find the uncensored version. To replace the uncensored version, the author added bits to the censored version, so this chapter is actually a combination of both the uncensored and censored version.

I tried my best to combine them as smoothly as possible, but there might still be some areas that’s a bit disjointed. Still, it’s a lot better than reading and finding out they fuck and is completely lost as that was never mentioned (like I did in my first go).

For those concerned, there is one more sex scene chapter that was cut, but that’s not until the extras. As far as I can tell, no other smut was cut out.