Chapter 234 - Irrational Depths

As soon as Lei Xing arrived back at her palace, she went straight to her room, sat down, put her hands on the table and cradled her aching head. The Empress dowager was now more than ever, a depressing factor in her new life.

The Emperor who had lingered outside issuing some orders finally sauntered in. He smiled when he saw her like that, walked over and then sat next to her. Then he proceeded to pour a cup of tea which he placed in front of her and then he went on to warmly pat her back, "There's nothing to worry about...You did very well."

Lei Xing raised her head and upon seeing his smiling face, she frowned, "What are you smiling about? Your mother hates me and she's definitely going to cause trouble..."

"As I've told you, her approval is irrelevant. There isn't much she can do anyway, just ignore her..." The Emperor reassured as he took one of her hands, still smiling.

Lei Xing was not convinced and did not find his words reassuring at all, "What about -" She paused and her frown deepened, then she let out an irritated breath and pressed on with the uncomfortable subject, "What if she tries to stir up trouble with this whole contraception thing? I mean, I guess stopping would fix that, but even then -" Lei Xing stopped again and let out another exasperated breath and rubbed her forehead as she closed her eyes in thought.

{...This is such a crap situation! >_

On hearing Lei Xing's words, the Emperor froze. He quickly thawed out and immediately asked with some excitement, "Do you want to then?"

Lei Xing opened her eyes and looked at him, "Want to what?" The fact that he did not seem to be taking this threat as seriously was a bit irritating to her. 

The Emperor blinked at her, hesitated and then simply said, "Stop?" 

Lei Xing knit her brows in confusion and then raised her eyebrows and blinked back at him as she realized what he was referring to. She just realized that she voiced out a bit too much of her thoughts.

{...I mean I could, but...Aren't you asking too much too soon though? One day, we finally start sleeping together, the next day you want me to be Empress and today you want to have a child...Aren't you going too fast? This isn't a speed-family life or anything like that... Give me a bit of room to breathe and come to terms with one reality before jumping to the next >_

Before Lei Xing could find the least painful words to employ in dashing the hope in his eyes, the Emperor lightly continued the conversation, "There is nothing to be worried about on that issue either, even if the news spread, the court will ignore it. On one side you have your father's faction who would not want to advertise the issue for your sake...and on the other side, there's Prime minister Zhao and the relatives of the other women in the harem who would celebrate the news. With both sides wanting to keep this news irrelevant, how could it possibly start trouble?"

Lei Xing sighed in relief, happy that he got a clue and saved her the struggle and dropped the subject. She could not have hurting him weighing on her conscious at the moment. She was very glad for his understanding and so she circled her arms around his waist and hugged him, putting her head on his chest. She let out a breath and then very quietly said, "Thank you..."

{...How she had this patient and understanding soul as a son is a mystery beyond human understanding -_-)...}

The Emperor smiled and wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair in a soothing manner. Lei Xing closed her eyes and let out a sigh. She opened her eyes and blankly stared at his chest as she focused on the warm hand stroking her back. He always seemed to be trying to soother her...and a somewhat disconcerting thought crept into Lei Xing's mind. 

{...What about him?... Am I soothing to him?...}

Lei Xing frowned, she did not perceive herself to be a soothing person. Frankly, she knew herself to be quite the self-centered individual.

Lei Xing's frowned deepened, feeling even more unhappy. She let out a sigh and then sat up, looked at the Emperor and then asked, "So she's powerless?"

The Emperor slightly knit his brows, displeased with the separation but then he nodded and said, "Her power is hollow and she has no allies."

Lei Xing knit her brows and then nodded. Then she turned to the table and picked up her cup of tea with knit eyebrows and then let out a breath and mumbled under her breath, "So I only have to worry about poisoning then...great." She sarcastically made a little toast to the air and drank. 

The Emperor, who is always paying attention to her obviously heard her mumble and picked on her meaning. He immediately grabbed her arm with a frown, "She tried to poison you?"

Lei Xing looked at him with raised eyebrows and went, "Hmmm...I believe so." Was the only thing she could manage in response.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" The Emperor irritatedly asked in a loud voice which made Lei Xing jump a little in surprise. The Emperor never shouted, at least not at her. Not even when they were arguing.

But the Emperor was taken aback by Lei Xing's absolute lack of concern over her own safety. How could she hide something so important from him?

"It happened a long time and I couldn't be sure..." Lei Xing explained with knit eyebrows and a mini pout in his direction. 

{...Not to mention we weren't even friends then...You were also always interrogating me over one thing or the other, how could I have brought such grand accusations to you. I'm not stupid ≖_≖)...}

The Emperor calmed down a little with that and then pressed on, "When was this?"

"Well, the first time was my first day in her palace for those "study sessions". I didn't drink it but she seemed very disappointed though..."

"You pretended to be ill..." The Emperor said recalling reading a report about her collapsing in the Empress dowager's palace during that time period. 

Lei Xing gave a nervous laugh and refilled her cup of tea and leisurely sipped it.

{...Hahaha I am not going to cop to a crime... We're good bit it's a matter of principle, sticking to the story... Therefore, it remains that I was ill...}

Although even if the Empress dowager did find out about the lie, she really could not jump at Lei Xing's throat as she liked anymore and Lei Xing knew that. 

And of course, Lei Xing did not think that the Emperor would go tattle to the Empress dowager. But she just could not bring herself to affirm his suspicions. But she did not deny it, which was technically a silent agreement.

Lei Xing glanced at the Emperor, who seemed to be deep in thought with his eyebrows knit. Thinking about it now, she had technically lied to the Emperor quite a lot over the last few months. 

{...Well, I never really lied...I said I don't remember - the brain doesn't remember so that's clearly memory loss right there. I also told him the truth about the bracelet and the ring...Okay, maybe I gave half-truths on all those things, but I gave the truth nonetheless...Therefore, there's nothing wrong with that...Shut up, there's everything wrong with that -_-)...}

Lei Xing looked off to the side, feeling an odd sense of embarrassment. 

{...It's not like he tells me everything...But then again, I never ask...But then again, he should ask more specific questions...-_-)...I'm a horrible person. How the hell is he supposed to kno-...}

"And the other times?" The Emperor finally spoke up again, bringing Lei Xing out of her self-criticizing session. 

"Well, I'm not really sure about this time either. It was just about two weeks or so after the first time...She seemed fixated on me drinking a pot of tea, so much so that she even alluded to the fact that she would consider it an insult to her person and punish me if I did not drink. I presented as she wanted but then she seemed to seemed disappointed after and then she irritatedly dismissed us...Suffice to say, I do not understand your mother..." Lei Xing irritatedly said remembering the tiring incident, "Anyway, it's just those two times. I don't have any evid-"

Lei Xing swallowed the rest of her words when the Emperor suddenly enveloped her in a crushing bear hug.

"You should have told me." The Emperor quietly said after a bit.

"W-well...I didn't know you then...Moreover, I had no evidence and she's your mother so...It was a bit of a scary process." Lei Xing awkwardly said as she put her hands on his back, hugging him back.

The Emperor promptly took her shoulders and held her away so he could look into her eyes as he sternly said with a frown, "You should never feel afraid to tell me anything..." 

Lei Xing skeptically looked at him and then awkwardly went, "Okaay..."

"I mean it." The Emperor said with his frown deepening, he could clearly see the skepticism in her eyes, she did not even seem to try to hide it. "I will always be on your side."

"Okay, I understand. I will naturally tell you if anything like this happens in the future. Thank you." Lei Xing said with a smile, feeling awkward. She took his hands from her shoulders and holding them. 

The Emperor sighed and stared at their joined hands. He had been reckless. When he saw his mother again after he ascended the throne, she appeared to have changed. She seemed to be calm and at peace with herself and her circ.u.mstances. So he had thought that she had put the habits from the past behind her. Or maybe that he had simply hoped that she had...He wanted her to be better, to simply enjoy living life peacefully. 

But apparently she did not want that and it was all a facade that was slowly breaking apart.

The Emperor sighed again and then said, "I'm sorry. Do not go to the Empress dowager's palace anymore. If she has a problem with that, she can come to me." 

Lei Xing blinked. She did not expect this kind of response.

{...Don't go there? Sure! I never wanted to be there in there first...but that might just be counterproductive in the grand scheme of things...}

"Isn't that a bit much though? I mean, wouldn't it just make her hate me more? Today was already -" Lei Xing knit her brows and let out a breath.

"Staying away from her is best. My mother is..." The Emperor let out a breath and then continued, "...has always been very adept in poisons, the poisons she makes can even escape detection. I would rather not risk you..." The Emperor then brought a hand up and caressed her cheek and with a weak smile he added, "It's better if she comes after me."

"Comes after you?" Lei Xing exclaimed, blinking at him removing his hand from her face, "She wouldn't poison you...I mean, you're her only child, that would be insanely fooli -" LeiXing paused when she saw the Emperor frown and look down as his hold on her hands tightened. 

Lei Xing knit her brows and then asked in utter disbelief, "She's tried to poison you before?... Why?" Lei Xing was completely confused with this revelation. If she killed the Emperor then she would have nothing. It was one thing if he already had an heir, then, in theory, the Emperor was no longer needed for her to maintain her status and power. For someone like her who seemed to be power-crazy, it made absolutely no sense. 

{...This crazy witch...If she can kill him then -...then she's the burn the house down with everyone and her in it kind of crazy! The "let's all die together" kind of crazy! The worst kind of crazy! Ahhhhhh, this is definitely going to be troublesome T_T)...}

The Emperor let out another breath, this was an exhausting tale for him. One he had never told anyone. Even after what she had done to him then, he still could not help protecting his mother. 

The crimes that trapped her in the cold palace were already grave enough. He knew that if what she had done to him was ever brought to light, it would have sealed her fate and it would have been hard for her to avoid death.

Even if the late Emperor still spared her, he would not have been able to keep her at the palace anymore. And the moment she left the palace, her enemies would have killed her. So he kept silent. 

Although the Emperor believed that his father likely knew what she had done. His father would have been informed by the Imperial physician that he showed signs of poisoning but yet his father announced that he was ill and never looked into the matter.

His father never even asked him while he never bothered to tell.

But today, he had someone he trusted, someone who comforted his heart, body, and soul. Someone he loved... So today, he finally felt comfortable enough to finally recount this tale, the story he kept closest to his heart. 

"It was a long time ago, when I was still a child..."