Chapter 171 - Nothing

Lei Xing blankly stared at him and then looked down at the bowl, at a loss for words and extremely uneasy. She had thought he did not overhear her conversation with Doctor Lou. No, she had hoped he did not. 

{...This is all that quack useful doctor's fault! If he would have just nodded when I asked, instead of asking stupid nosy q-...}

Her mind froze when she heard the Emperor sigh, then she knit her brows and lowered her head even further. Then he said another thing that shocked her, "Why didn't you talk to me about it?"

Lei Xing glanced up at him and then lowered her eyes again, "I...I didn't want...to upset you." She awkwardly said and immediately wanted to bash her head against the wall. 

{...Why the hell did I say that?! It's the truth though...What other possible reason could I give?! ...But...but...Why the hell is he giving me this? Now too, after all that talking earlier...It's just a bit...I could have sorted it out myself! >_

"I see..." The Emperor calmly said. Lei Xing held her breath and did not look up at his face. She did not believe for one moment that this was the end of this inquiry. And truly it was not, as he proceeded to ask, "So you planned on taking it secretly?" 

{...Yes...No....Shit! Shit! What is the correct answer? I don't like this...}

Lei Xing squirmed in her seat, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. But she thought about it, and could not bring herself to deny it. Not to mention, her first statement was pretty much an admission of truth, and she had no doubt that he knew that. If she denied it, then he'll ask more questions and then they'll play word games and she was not in the mood for word games, and she suspected he was not either. 

{...Not after everything we've been through today...At least now I know why he was upset...But then he brought the medication to me...He was upset but then he brought it... He's confusing me again...}

Lei Xing knit her brows and then looked up at him, "This is why you were upset this morning, wasn't it?...at Doctor Lou's and in the carriage." She would rather he let out his anger on the issue, him being so accommodating was uncomfortable and...it made her feel horrible. 

The Emperor knit his brows as well and then faced her, "If I seemed upset...It was because you could comfortably discuss something so important with a stranger and not with me...I asked you and you still said nothing. Am so unreliable to you tha-"

"No, no, that's not it...it's just..." Lei Xing quickly jumped to protest without thinking. It was not that, it really was not. But then she had nothing to say after debunking that thought. She frowned and inwardly groaned.

{...This is why I couldn't just tell you, this conversation couldn't possibly be good...Look at it! T_T)...}

"It's just what?" The Emperor asked narrowing his eyes at her, feeling the anger and disappointment he had been feeling all morning surging back up. He took a deep breath to calm himself and then said in a cold voice, "I'm listening."

He had not intended to sound cold, only meant to control his emotions. But Lei Xing heard and felt the chill in his voice. She hesitated and did not know how to answer, but as she sat there under his microscopic gaze, she started to feel angry, at everything but at nothing in particular.

{...You know what? Screw it!...}

Lei Xing braced herself and blurted out, "I don't want to have children!" as she looked the Emperor directly in the face with a resolute and firm gaze. She was confident he would not kill her, she knew that much. As for what he would do, she did not know. But he did just say a few moments ago, right in that room that he would never hurt her, and she believed him. He would never hurt... physically.

The Emperor blankly stared at her, then blinked a few times and then frowned in disbelief and confusion, then said rather than asked, "You don't want children." Lei Xing resolutely nodded.

The Emperor faced forward, still in disbelief, no matter how much he had thought about this scenario, the prospect of her saying she did not want children did not cross his mind. He was not sure how to process this information. In the space of a few hours, he had gone through so many emotions, it was dizzying.

He woke up this morning alone but was ecstatic and eager to find her, to hold her...He thought they had finally overcome the wall between them, but now this... He felt like his life was slipping out from his hands. Happiness seemed to always elude him.

"Why?" The Emperor asked as he turned back to Lei Xing, with a completely defeated expression on his face. Lei Xing's gaze faltered and she lowered her eyes. Then she thought about it, straightened her back and looked at him and firmly said, "I don't want to."

The Emperor narrowed his eyes and raised an eyebrow, perplexed, "That's it?" and blinking at her. It was as if his comprehension had suddenly disappeared because he did not seem to understand her words at all.

Lei Xing nodded, "That's it."

{...It's the truth, and he should know...So...so...well, so he can...I don't know...Whatever the hell he's going to!... I'm tired...}

The Emperor knit his brows and just stared at her, and she lowered her eyes down to her hands, as her heart pounded loudly in her chest and her ears rang. She could feel the Emperor's gaze piercing into her, it was unnerving and it felt as if...it stung. She tightly knit her brows and bit her inner lip.

{...This is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be...Why does he have to be like this? Get angry and shout at me or something, why do you have to be so...so...difficult?...}

After what felt like forever, the Emperor quietly said, "I understand." and then quietly got up and turned to leave. Lei Xing squeezed her hands tightly and glanced at this back and then at the bowl on the table. Then she squeezed her eyes shut and said, "Wait." 

He stopped and turned to around to look at her, still with hope in his eyes. But lei Xing did not see, she could not bring herself to meet his gaze. She stood up and stretched her hand out and said in a small voice, "My ring...It's important to me..." When the Emperor did not move, she cast him a quick glance and then regretted it immediately. He looked lost and abandoned and her chest tightened and the lump in her throat grew. She looked back down and added, "...please." She knew this might be her only her chance.

The Emperor stared at her pale face and hooded eyes, which he had glimpsed there current reddened and watery state when she had glanced up. The Emperor walked over to her and stood in front of her. He looked down at her outstretched hand, which was subtly shaking. He saw her hand shrink back a little but then she firmly held it out again, waiting for the ring, all the while steadily looking at the ground, avoiding his eyes. 

The Emperor stood there looking down at her for a while and saw cold sweat begin to form on her forehead, saw her lower lip start to tremble, but then it was quickly stopped when she bit into it.

He was hurt by the fact that she did not envision the same future as him...but looking at her like this, he still wanted to rush over to comfort her and that urge made him angry. She cast him another sheepish glance and he felt his heart soften even more, despite everything. 

She looked pitiful. She looked lonely and it was infuriating. She made them both pitiful and made them both lonely. He could see she was hurting, but he was hurt too. So he dropped the ring in her palm and left. 

Lei Xing wrapped her fingers around the ring and watched as the Emperor walked out of her room and just stood there blankly staring at the doors, long after they had been shut. She swallowed and then wearily walked back to the table, her legs felt weak but she willed them to move and sat down. Her mind was blank, she did not want to think. She slipped on the ring and then she reached for the bowl.

It was safe.

He would not poison her, she knew. The memory of how worried he had been when he had accidentally fed her poison flashed through her mind. 

She let the memory play in her head as she picked up the bowl and drank the bitter brew, but she had no reaction at all as she tasted nothing. Then she got up and walked to the bed, laid down, with shaking hands she wrapped herself snuggly in her blanket and closed her eyes.

She was shaking, not crying. Shaking. It had been a really long day, an overwhelming day and so she was tired. She would sleep and forget. 

{...I'm probably never going to see him again...He'll finally move on...now that it's hopeless, he'll move on...And I'll - maybe I'll...I'll...I'll think about it tomorrow...sleep...}

She would sleep and forget...At least, it was what she wanted.

But reality often paid no heed to our wants. And she laid there blankly staring at the bowl on the table for a long while, mind empty.

All the aches and pains she had been feeling all morning were gone, she felt nothing and thought nothing.