Chapter 165 - Warring Emotions

Prince Yi lunged forward and flew into a series of attacks fueled by rage, while the Emperor defended seemingly with ease with that small smirk still plastered on his face, which further infuriated Prince Yi. Prince Yi felt like he was looking at the bane of his existence and wanted to tear that smirk right off the Emperor's face. 

{...As always I'm a joke to you...A fool who is always beneath you!... If it wasn't for you- !...}

As their swords clashed again, Prince Yi suddenly heard the Emperor ask, "What's your excuse?"

For a moment Prince Yi was confused with the question but then realization quickly set in. He scowled with increased irritation, but then he saw the Emperor's stupid smirk slowly disintegrating into a scowl. He narrowed his eyes and scrutinized the Emperor and noticed the concealed rage in his eyes. And he could not help but sneer right into his face.

{...So you can actually care for something?... I suddenly have the mind to destroy it! I will destroy it and everything you could possibly care for and have you grovel and plead fo -...}

Prince Yi suddenly felt a kick to his abdomen and fell back. He held onto his abdomen and glared at the Emperor, who simply flexed the sword in his hand with his expression indifferent again as he quietly informed, "She was drugged." And then he asked again, "What's your excuse?"

Prince Yi simply glared at him for a while and then he straightened up and indignantly said, "None."

The Emperor's calm expression faltered and Prince Yi took victory in that and felt the urge to burst out laughing from watching the Emperor struggle... but being around the Emperor did not allow any mirth to form. He had not had any reason to laugh in years, no reason for joy or glee...Prince Yi blinked and then looked away from the Emperor as he recalled the time in the flower field with Lei Xing.

{...No reason until that time...I laughed then and forgot everything...}

The thought of Lei Xing did nothing more than to increase his anger towards the Emperor. He frowned and faced the Emperor and added, "...So go ahead and kill me"

The Emperor frowned and narrowed his eyes at Prince Yi. Prince Yi tensed under his gaze but made no move to retreat or plead, he stood his ground and held on to the challenge.

After a while of the two heatedly looking at each other, the Emperor glanced up at the clear sky as he let out a tired sigh. Then his eyes settled back on Prince Yi and with a weary expression, he asked, "Have you ever wondered why you're still alive?... Or do you really think me to be so foolish to keep sparing you despite your inclinations to seek death?"

Hearing those words pushed Prince Yi into another frenzy and he began attacking again, "I never asked you to spare me! I never asked for your help! I never asked you for anything! I don't need your sympathy, I never did!" 

The Emperor also became a bit unhinged that and start pushing back with attacks of his own, as he angrily and frustratedly asked, "You were finally relieved from someone else's shadow and now you want to live as him? Is it really impossible for you to live your own life?... It's becoming more and more apparent that you have lost yourself -"

The Emperor broke off when Prince Yi used his free hand to land a punch on his face, drawing a bit of blood from his mouth. The Emperor touched the blood, looked at it and then raised an eyebrow at Prince Yi, seemingly impressed. But as usual, Prince Yi saw nothing but a mocking glance.

There was no need to mention who the owner of the shadow was.  Prince Yi knew that he was talking about the Crown prince, the late Crown Prince. That was the only person he had ever stood behind him in his life. Prince Yi had fostered a relationship with the Crown prince, who hated the current Emperor just as he did.

Other than the issue of the first Empress's death, there was also the Crown prince's fear of their "talented" younger brother who seemed to monopolize their father's sparse affection. The Crown Prince had been Prince Yi's best chance of pulling the "gifted" and "favored" young Prince down from his high horse into the mud. So he could know what life felt like having to grovel down there.

He may have collaborated with the Crown Prince, but he was never his shadow and neither was he trying to become him. The fact that the Emperor thought this of him just proved that he truly saw him as nothing and has always looked at him with condescension. 

As their swords clashed again, Prince Yi said through gritted teeth, "I am no one's shadow." Then he narrowed his eyes and asked, "It was you, wasn't it? You pushed him into it." Prince Yi said with conviction as his hands on the swords shook with anger.

The Emperor moved back and slightly raised an eyebrow but did not say anything. Prince Yi took that as acknowledgment and then in a cold calm voice that betrayed the rage in his expression, he asked, "Why did you do it?" 

The Emperor raised his chin and in a truly condescending manner, he returned the question, "Why did you?"

Prince Yi inhaled and looked appalled by the question and then he went into a self-mocking short laugh, "Of course you wouldn't understand, you were the special child...How could you ever understand how the rest of us felt? You could never kno-"

"That's not what I'm asking." The Emperor cut him off. Prince Yi looked at the Emperor who staring at him with inquisitive eyes. Prince Yi immediately averted his eyes, suddenly feeling self-conscious. and uncomfortable. 

When Prince Yi did not respond, the Emperor cooly said, "I did what I had to...just like you did." 

Prince Yi's frown deepened and the Emperor let out a silent aggravated sigh. This conversation was not at all what he intended. Instead, they had diverted into other subjects that left him feeling tired and drained.

Looking at Prince's expression, it seemed like Prince Yi may have glimpsed a bit of his own hypocrisy and perhaps it may ample ground for self-reflection and change for the better...At least the Emperor hoped that was the case as he turned to leave, when Prince Yi suddenly asked, "Why?"

The Emperor stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, this time truly unclear what he what question was. Prince Yi's frown deepened and still not looking at the Emperor, he directly asked, "Why did you not mention me?"

The Emperor went rigid and did not respond and simply stared at Prince Yi. Prince Yi fixed his gaze back on the Emperor and the Emperor immediately unconsciously averted his gaze.

Prince Yi went back to glaring at him, "You can't say?"

The Emperor knit his brows and then looked back at Prince Yi, "I had hoped you could make your own dreams come true rather than dying for someone else's." 

One side of Prince Yi's mouth curved up in a mocking smile, "Dreams?... What do you know of my dreams?"

The Emperor knit his brows and lowered his eyes as his hand on his sword tightened so much that his knuckles turned white and he could not respond. 

Seeing the Emperor's discomfort, Prince Yi's body relaxed and he quietly spoke again, "Just like father, life is a game to you and people are simply pieces you use and discard as you deem fit...You would smile with your enemies and treat those who see you as a friend as fools. Everyone is beneath you and betrayal is deep in your nature, just like him ..."

The Emperor slightly opened his mouth wanting to say something or deny it. But in the end, he could not, he closed his mouth and frowned at the ground with a deepening frown.

Prince Yi stared at the Emperor for a while, studying his face and the conflicting emotions hidden behind his frown...And since he had already begun, he asked the question that has been festering in his mind for a long time, "Do you think you have made up for it?" 

The Emperor immediately looked up at Prince Yi wide-eyed, then he blinked, opened his mouth, closed it and then finally said in a whisper, "You know?" As the color drained from his face. 

Prince Yi ignored the question and continued boring holes into the Emperor, "Know what? Why can't you say it?... All I know is that you're parading yourself around under the guise of a hero to fool the world while hiding your cold center." When the Emperor started and looked like he wanted to say something, Prince Yi sneered and said, "Of course it's never your doing or your fault and you are forever the most infallible person ever. There is a justification for all you do and it is always what is best. It's my fault for being too stupid and you were only just being your competent "helpful" self leading the blind. Would you like me to bow and express my gratitude?"

Prince Yi was clearly mocking him but the Emperor did not have the mind to pay attention to any of it. At the moment, he felt reduced to a shocked, pained and sorry little child he once was, whose only thought was of how he could possibly undo his own ignorant actions. He made the mistake.

Prince Yi seemed to be patiently waiting for the Emperor's answer to the question. But in the end, all the Emperor could do was look up to prince Yi and asked in a quiet hoarse voice, "What would you have had me do?... What would you have me do?" He amended, his voice thick with remorse. 

Prince Yi remained unaffected by the Emperor's aggrieved expression. After all, it was his life that was ruined and not the Emperor's. So he narrowed his eyes at the Emperor and then spitefully said, "Kill yourself."