Chapter 5: Holding Hands

Chapter 5: Holding Hands

Original Length: 965 words.

Post Revision Length: 1101 words.

See, Officer Lucinda, I find clerks rather hellish in nature. I mean, all their little gestures, the lingo they use to clearly make you confused I mean, no one knows what module 57B is, dont be smug about it, come on. And thats why I imagine that Hell is just a huge post office with infinite floors, where clerks send you from one place to another, and you can never file your application to Heaven, forever damned to this eternal torment of bureaucracy.

Lucinda is looking at me as if I was a madman.

I mean, she is not that far off, is she? Plus, does she even know what hell is? Isnt that a very human concept? But doesnt every culture have its own version of hell? Too many questions. I take a glimpse at the curve her robe makes on the chest area; now Im happier, and my mind reached a truly zen state. In fact, who needs philosophical questions when you have that in front of you? Also, she looks like someone whos packing in the caboose department too. What a catch, two for the price of one hot Elf.

Arent I lucky?

I got here through a huge dimensional shenanigan or something, I have what could be a spellbook of mass destruction, and here I am, flirting with the cutest officer of the Watch. Im having a field day!

Mr. Luciani, can we please get back to the interview? Do you even want to go out and find a job?

I mean, on the one hand, sure. I like baking. On the other, it would mean Id have to go through the queue, and Id have to leave the company of the most beautiful officer in the city.

Mr. Luciani she starts with an exasperated tone.

Call me Joey, please, I smile warmly.

Do you plan on hurting anyone in the city, Joey? she asks with an angry frown.

Only if they are your boyfriend, Officer.

Green.

And even in that case, only their feelings, by stealing you away.

Green.

Officer Lucinda has probably never had to face a cute bag of tricks like me. I might be a little overboard and overly cheesy, for sure, but this approach has worked wonders before! And if I can get a date with the cutest Elf girl, I swear, God, I swear to you and on you that I will stop hating this race!

I think so? I mean, Im not sure what you would classify as a Dungeon, but I would probably call it so.

The truth stone flashes green, even if lighter than before. Apparently, not being sure of something makes for unclear answers.

Well, you will need to bring the spellbook to a certified [Enchanter] and submit a form

No, no, no. Im not doing any forms. Cuff me, right now.

I volunteer my wrists toward Lucinda.

Its a simple form, literally one page of

Cuffs, please! No forms! PLEASE!

She is speechless. How a person can be so scared of bureaucracy is probably beyond her. But I value my time and my life. Id rather do a month in prison and have a new set of stories to tell on my next date than write down things on a stupid form. Things that I know I would get wrong.

And if you think Im paranoid, please do consider that you are talking to a man who just got catapulted in a new dimension with a cursed spellbook and who basically got arrested in the first ten minutes of his adventure.

Just saying.

If that spellbook is any good, Officer Lucinda said while rubbing her forehead, you might think about becoming an adventurer. With some basic spells, you could make some coins and then

Nope. Not interested. The only thing Ill risk my life with is diabetes from eating sweets for the next fifty years of my life, thank-you-very-much.

You might have a good spellbook on your hands, and you are not interested in adventuring? What were you doing in a Dungeon, then? And arent you interested in testing your magical talent? I could do it even here and now.

Now that shes talking magic, her eyes are blazing.

Do you need to hold my hand to test my talent? I ask, curious.

Not really, you can simply stay there, and I can fetch a stone that

Not interested then, I say with a smile.