Chapter 80

Zhuang Yan and Yan Xi meet at a cafe.

When Yanxi came, zhuangyan was already waiting. He didn't pay attention to Yanxi's arrival and looked at the coffee in his hand in a daze.

Until the opposite chair was Yanxi opened, he just looked up: "come?"

Yan Xi frowned, looked at the empty position beside zhuangyan, then looked at the only cup of coffee on the table, and asked in a low voice, "where's Xie Ning?"

Zhuang Yan asked him out in the name of Xie Ning. He didn't see Xie Ning at the moment. Yan Xi was obviously impatient.

But Zhuang Yan has no other choice. His plane tonight is not in the name of Xie Ning. Yan Xi may not keep the appointment.

"He didn't come." Zhuangyan handed him the menu on the table. "It's me who wants to talk to you about something."

Yan Xi didn't take the menu and even stood up: "I don't think we need to make an appointment to talk about anything."

Zhuang Yan said, "Xie Ning went out in the afternoon."

Yan Xi's eyebrows were raised.

Zhuang Yan said, "if I guess correctly, I should go to see doctor Ji."

Yan Xi sat down and said, "what do you want to talk about?"

He was willing to talk, but Zhuang Yan stopped for a moment.

He took a sip of coffee and frowned slightly, as if to find a way to cut in.

While waiting for Yan Xi to come here, he has been thinking about it and has tried several ways to beat around the bush. However, when he meets people, he thinks that if he is euphemistic, Yan Xi may play Tai Chi with him as before.

He didn't have much time to wait, so he asked Yanxi straightforwardly, "Xie Ning once committed suicide, didn't he?"

When the voice dropped, he felt that the whole cafe was quiet.

Yan Xi, sitting opposite him, is stunned. Zhuang Yan grabs his relaxed hand on the table.

"How do you know that?" He did not deny it.

"That's not the point." Zhuang Yan said, "besides, it's not hard to guess. There is a bird tattoo on the wrist of Xie Ning's left hand, isn't it?"

Yan Xi gave a "um".

Zhuang Yan: "but Xie Ning's character is not like a person who can tattoo. He doesn't have this rebellious feeling. I've been thinking about the special meaning of birds, which schenen said means freedom

Yanxi drooped his head and did not speak.

Zhuangyan added: "later, I remember that many tattoos were used to cover the scars, not because they liked it or wanted to announce something From this point of view, what can a wound on the wrist be? "

"It makes sense for you to guess so." Yan Xi nodded without expression.

"It's not just about that, of course." Zhuang Yan looked at him. "I also said that this is not the point."

Yan Xi leaned back in his chair and asked him, "what do you want to know from me?"

Zhuangyan was quiet for a few seconds, then said, "I want to know - why he committed suicide."

Yan Xi sat there and asked, "why don't you ask Xie Ning?"

Different from Yan Xi's posture of leaning on the back of his chair, Zhuang Yan sat upright and looked solemn. He said slowly, "I don't want to remind him of the past After all, it's not a good memory, even a pain. Every time I mention it, it's like uncovering the scar again. Even if it doesn't hurt, it still looks ferocious. "

"I hope he will always be happy in front of me," he said

Yan Xi on the opposite side gave a slight smile, and then quickly retracted: "I told you before that Xie Ning was very resistant to psychotherapy. Do you know why?"

Zhuang Yan frowned slightly: "he has received psychotherapy before, but the psychological counselor Xia Wan is looking for is not regular."

He was extremely treated, and he was sneering

Zhuang Yan stopped and looked at Yan Xi. He didn't seem to understand it very well Extreme psychotherapy? "

Yan Xi closed his eyes and said, "it's what you can think of: compulsory medication, electric shock correction There are other aversion therapies. "

"Electric shock?" Zhuang Yan looked at him in disbelief and did not speak for a moment.

At this time, the waiter happened to come over and asked Yanxi what he needed.

He didn't pay attention to what Yanxi ordered at last. He didn't swear until the waiter left.

"I don't know." He said in a low voice, "his former psychological counselor, I have checked, and did not use any drastic measures."

Yan Xi sneered and laughed: "of course not at that time, maybe earlier, you should not have found it?"

Zhuang Yan shook his head: "I didn't look into it too deeply."

"That was the earliest time when Xie Ning came out to his parents." Yan Xi said, "in the summer vacation that year, he was sent to the education administration office Or summer camp? I don't remember what to call it. In short, you can imagine punishing and taking care of disobedient children, treating Internet addiction or other problems Of course, they also claim to be able to treat homosexuality. "I can't bear to scold.

Yanxi then said, "it's not a place where normal people can stay. Even if there's no disease, you can get sick From then on, Xie Ning's character has changed completely. "

"Do you know how long shenin was sent to stay?"

Zhuang Yan shook his head.

Yan Xi said, "three months More than a hundred days. "

After a pause, he asked, "do you know how shenin came out?"

This time, without waiting for Zhuang Yan to respond, he replied, "it was an accident."

Maybe some things have been held in my heart for too long. Once a hole is opened, it is like a flood with a sluice gate opened. Without being asked, he can talk about it all.

"There was another person who was treated with Xie Ning, who was also gay..."

"One day, maybe after he was shocked, he probably broke down. He couldn't bear it and jumped out of the corridor window."

"It's the fourth floor. It's gone on the spot. It's suicide."

"Because of the loss of human life, the Educational Management Institute attracted local attention and was banned."

"Xie Ning It was there. "

Zhuang Yan looks at him.

"He saw it with his own eyes..." Yan Xi's voice was a little dumb, "I saw how the man jumped down from his eyes."

Zhuang Yan couldn't imagine that picture.

He only felt that his chest was so stuffy that the whole person seemed to be sunk to the bottom of the water, making it hard for him to breathe.

He was silent for a long time, and finally asked with difficulty, "Xie Ning's acrophobia Is that why? "

Yan Xi was stunned for a moment and nodded: "it should be."

Zhuangyan didn't speak any more. The coffee suddenly became very bitter. He took a sip, and it flowed into his stomach with a bitter and sour feeling.

"You guessed correctly. He committed suicide." Yan Xi's topic changed a little fast, "almost succeeded If it wasn't for that day, I'd like to go to him on a whim. "

"With the knife for cutting fruit, when I arrived, he had lost consciousness, and the whole bathtub was bloody..." Yan Xi choked, "that scene has become my nightmare for a long time. Later, I always worried about him. Others ridiculed me like an old lady, worrying about everything for him, but I was really afraid Every time he loses contact, it reminds me of the scene I saw that day. "

"Even if his mood has stabilized and he is no longer suicidal, I always advise him to go out for a walk and communicate more with others instead of closing himself up. I am really, really afraid that when he is no longer interested in everything around him, and he has no nostalgia for the world

"I hope he can be more involved with the world, maybe it's me, maybe it's Mr. Xie, or it's his lover."

Yan Xi's voice was as dumb as a cry: "you know, what makes me sad most?"

Zhuang Yan: "what?"

"Yes, I know. The shenin I knew at first can't come back."

Yan Xi sneered: "have you ever seen the photos of Xie Ning when he was a child?"

Zhuang Yan shook his head: "No

Yan Xi pauses for a moment and finds a picture from the interlayer of his wallet.

After searching for a long time, he carefully put the collected photos on the table: "then you can't imagine what the former Schering looked like."

"He is very cheerful and loves to laugh. He is happy from morning to night. It seems that nothing can make him lose his vitality. Just by his side, you can draw in an energy. " Yan Xi said, "it's like a little sun."

Zhuang Yan bowed his head in a trance.

In the photo, the two boys with shoulder to shoulder smile very brightly when facing the camera. Just looking at it, you can feel the vigorous vigor.

Zhuang Yan couldn't recognize that one of them was Xie Ning.

"You say, how did he become like this?"

Why did his little sun go out little by little.

Yan Xi finally couldn't help crying out: "sometimes, I really hate..."

"Xie Ning He..."

"What did he do wrong to be forced to be what he is now."

……

"Sometimes I think, what did I do wrong to bear the pain?"

Xie Ning looked at Ji Wenbin and said quietly, "countless nights, I have asked myself whether I was born in this world and was born to like the same sex, which is wrong."

"You are not wrong." Ji Wenbin smiles.

"Well." Shening sat quietly across from him, his voice firmly repeated, "I'm not wrong."

Ji Wenbin said: "you are willing to tell these things to me now, maybe it means that you have come out of the past."

Shaning: I don't know

"Just now your voice has been calm and your mood is stable." Ji Wenbin's voice was gentle, "even in retrospect, you won't be swallowed up by the pain, will you?"Xie Ning was quiet for a few seconds, as if thinking.

After a while, he said with a smile, "maybe something sweeter has appeared in life, which makes the past pain become insignificant."

"Maybe I bear these pains just to cherish this hard won happiness more."

"Is it?" Ji Wenbin asked.

"Well." 'dr. Ji, I'm getting married. '

Ji Wenbin slightly surprised to pick eyebrows, then blessing way: "congratulations."

He said, "your marriage partner, must love you very much."

"Yes, he loves me very much." Xie Ning's expression becomes gentle rise, the lip corner slightly raises.

He sat on the sofa, his face in the soft light, looks very white, but this kind of white is not morbid, the cheek also revealed some healthy ruddy.

Dense eyelashes cast a shadow, covering his slightly shy eyes.

"As long as I'm around him, I feel at ease. He's like my light, banishing pain and darkness. "

"I love him very much, too," he said slowly

The author has something to say: the one who committed suicide in the corridor It's mentioned implicitly in chapter 53.

The end is also compared with chapter 53.

It's his light.