Volume 1 - Epilogue

“Kouki I have something I’d like you to tell me… Can we meet today?”

Kouki’s voice over the phone sounded a bit bad-tempered. Kouki has an extreme dislike of being called unexpectedly. When I asked the reason for this, he said that in the case of RINE, it is his own free will to check his messages, but a phone call is a forced time commitment. I understand what he’s saying, but I don’t think it’s necessary to sound so grumpy.

“I really want to ask Kouki something, so could you please come to the park where we usually go now? I can go to your house if you want. It’s my convenience this time, and I’ll go with you.”

Kouki reluctantly agreed to come to Hanasaki Park.

Come to think of it, I haven’t been to his house yet. I wanted to see him before when I was on my way home from cram school, and he got mad at me after I did RINE when I arrived at his house. If I had been Yuuri, I would have been welcomed anytime I went to his house because his parents were close and they were like a real family.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting. What is it that you want me to tell you?”

I was sitting on the bench, lost in thought, when before I knew it, Kouki was sitting next to me. Maybe I’m irritated after all. Looking at Kouki’s profile, I began to feel uneasy.

“You see. This is a little difficult to ask, but I was with Kanade a while ago and we talked about you a little.”

“What about? About me?”

“Yes, Kanade told me that you have two other girls besides me. Moreover, she said you stole the girlfriend of someone who had a boyfriend.”

Kouki’s face grew stern.

“What? Kanade said something like that? That can’t be true! Does Hazuki believe Kanade more than my words? Yuuri must have told him something. He’s just harassing me because he’s jealous of my relationship with Hazuki.”

“I don’t suspect anything. However, I just wanted to hear you say that it’s not true because of what Kanade said. I’m sorry I asked you something you didn’t want to hear.”

Kouki’s stern face changes to a very gentle smile. Then he puts his hand on my head and pats it gently.

“I’m glad you believe my words. 

“I know they will try to harass me in the future, but you can’t take them seriously. I only love you.”

“Thank you, Kouki. You and I are accomplices. We have sinned together, so I hope you will continue to bear the burden with me.”

“Oh, of course. My feelings haven’t changed since that day I confessed them to you in junior high school.”

I was reassured by Kouki’s words. I think I am a coward even to myself. I have been taking advantage of Yuuri’s kindness up until now, and now I am trying to hold on to Kouki with the word “accomplice.”

Why? Why am I such an ugly creature?

———

Yuuri never doubted that he would stay with me no matter what.

I have caused him a lot of trouble in the past, but the kind Yuuri has always forgiven me for that. However, the moment I saw Yuuri’s face yesterday, I knew in my heart that I would never be forgiven again.

I really loved Yuuri with all my heart. No, I still love him. But the sex with Kouki was too seductive to resist.

In junior high school, it was because of pity, and the first time we had sex again was a confirmation of the sensations I had felt in junior high school. I should not have done this at first. I thought that I should not repeat the act of betraying Yuuri anymore. But as we repeated the act, the sense of guilt and immorality disappeared before I knew it.

After I left Yuuri’s house yesterday with Kouki, we headed back to the love hotel in the same footsteps. The sex at that time was surprisingly normal compared to what I had been used to. Then I realized. The reason why I had been so aroused, so disturbed, and so degraded during sex was because of my guilt toward Yuuri.

I realized that I had not stopped feeling guilty or immoral, but had merely converted it into pleasure.

That must be why. When Yuuri found out about my relationship with Kouki, the pleasure that had captivated me disappeared.

(Fufu. It’s too ridiculous to say that I deserved it.)

Until now, I have had the feeling of having fun with Kouki, but I have never felt the happiness that fills my body and soul. I had received all of those things from Yuuri until now. That is why I only wanted pleasure from Kouki. But Yuuri is gone now.

I gave myself away.

All the affection that Yuuri had given me.