23 What Kind of King II

"Your total comes out to three gold," Agnes declares as she collects the remainder of the loot we obtained from killing the goblins and bugbears before she pushes three, dime-sized coins across the checkout counter table.

Three gold. Not bad. For that pile of crap, it's more than I was expecting.

I reach out my hand, but before I can take hold of the gold, I see Argeias swoop in, sweeping the coins into her palm. "Yoink! I'll be taking that," she says casually. When she sees me shooting her a glare, she just shrugs. "Remember, I'm controlling the purse strings now. Come on, Candy, let's go find some supplies." I watch as my two companions walk further into the shop to browse the item shelves, leaving me and Agnes alone at the checkout counter. Then after a moment, I hear a faint snicker coming from my side. I turn to see the shopkeeper, a smirk on her face.

"So, someone's finally put a leash on you."

I feel my eyebrows twitch, and I fold my arms across my chest. "She's just upset about the goods I bought from you."

"Ah, the porno magazines and that custom statuette," Agnes says, "By the way, I heard about what happened to the latter."

"How long were you listening for, and how much did you hear?!"

"Relax, brat. It was just a little eavesdropping spell," Agnes replies. Then in her best impression of my voice, she continues, "'A kid tricked me! Please, I deserve the ridicule!' *Snicker*"

Ack! That's basically the entire conversation! That sneaky, old hag!

I feel my face turning bright red as I look away in embarrassment, and for a moment, the room falls into silence. Then to my surprise, I hear Agnes speak. Glancing over, I see her staring ahead, and as I follow her gaze, I notice she is looking at Candy and Argeias, who are busy chatting and laughing away deep in the item shelves.

"You've gone and found yourself some nice companions, a veritable family. Haven't you, brat? I can tell they really love you, especially that centaur over there."

My eyes dart to Argeias, her long, snow-white hair swaying to and fro as her head bobbles in laughter, before I return my attention to Agnes, a look of surprise on my face. "You mean Argeias? How'd you figure?"

"The way she waits and watches, looking to see your reaction to things," Agnes replies, letting out a shrug, "Call it a woman's intuition."

"Are you implying you're a woman?"

Agnes glares at me as she raises her hand menacingly. "Are you looking to be spanked?"

If a hot, sexy babe had asked me that question, I wouldn't have hesitated to say yes. But then I remember that Agnes is, like, a million years old, with a saggy, midget body, and the idea quickly evaporates from my mind. "Bleh, no thanks." The shopkeeper give me a curious look in reply, but I don't say more, and so the room once again falls into silence, my gaze ahead as I watch my companions, Agnes' words still echoing through my mind.

Family, huh?

Suddenly, the memory I had in the abandoned warehouse once again returns to the forefront.

Mom. Dad. Henry. Yes, even you, Nate.

My heart thumps a bit harder for a second, and with my eyes still straight ahead, I ask, "Hey, Agnes, do you know what happens when you die in this world?"

When I don't hear a reply, I turn to my side, and I spot the shopkeeper giving me an intense expression before she finally shrugs and says, "How the hell should I know, brat?"

"Well, I figured you're closer to it than I am, so you might have some special insight, you know?"

"Do you want to be punched in the teeth?" Agnes asks, holding up a fist. I let out a sheepish laugh, and she slowly lowers her hand before continuing. "Something on your mind, brat? It ain't like you to be asking such questions."

I eye the shopkeeper for a long moment before putting my chin down on the table. "It's just-" I begin, unsure how to continue, or what exactly I even want to express. Finally, I let out a sigh. "Let's just say, hypothetically, you go to sleep one night, thinking everything is normal, and then the next morning, you wake up in a completely different, unfamiliar world, suddenly with all this expectation and responsibility placed on your shoulders. But you still can't even shake the feeling that none of it's real, that everything is all one big dream, where nothing really matters because there are no real consequences because at any moment, it might all just end. If you were in that situation, what would you do, Agnes?"

The shopkeeper is quiet for so long, that I begin to wonder if she even heard me. But then, she finally replies. "Hypothetically, huh?" she muses, her tone hinting at something deeper, "Well, in that situation, then I'd just do whatever the hell I wanted, I suppose, like, for example, spending all my food money on porno magazines and tasteless statuettes. Hypothetically, of course."

"I-!" My head flies up off the table, and I turn to Agnes, but before I can speak, she throws out a finger, flicking me hard in the forehead. "Oww, what's that for-!"

"'I'd do whatever the hell I wanted'," Agnes repeats, "But I think there's a fundamental flaw in your premise, brat."

"What do you mean?" I ask, still rubbing my forehead, but now genuinely curious.

"You say that there are no consequences in a dream, but I'd like to disagree. What you do in the present determines what you can do in the future. The threads of causality always bind us. It is just that in a dream, you are not coherent enough to identify them. But come now, we both know you're not just talking about a hypothetical. This is about your reincarnation, is it not?" Slowly, I nod my head, and I see Agnes continue. "Just a bit of experience, brat, from an old lady who's been around the block a few times. There are two great sins in this world-" She holds up two fingers. "-Weakness and Stupidity."

"Weakness and Stupidity?"

"People will tolerate the strong fools, and root for the clever weaklings. But the world is not so kind a place to allow powerless morons to survive. Just remember, luck is not a shield and premise is not the same as armor. So let me turn the question around for you, brat. You asked me what I'd do, but let me pose the same of you. 'What will you do'? As the reincarnation of the elf of legend, what kind of king will you aspire to be? A noble king? A funny king? A romantic king? A powerful king? Whichever you decide, you best do it fast, for there will soon come a time where indecision will cost you what you already have, and you will be unable to protect that which you cherish most."

As Agnes finishes, I find myself staring at the shopkeeper, a deeply pensive expression across my face. Then, after a moment, I break into a faint smile. "Are my ears deceiving me, or are you actually giving me advice? Agnes, I didn't know you cared," I say half-jokingly.

In response, Agnes just folds her arms, turning away from me with a scowl. "Don't be stupid, brat. I was just rambling to myself. I'm old and going senile, remember?"

I let out a laugh, and I feel my expression soften as I stare at the aged old lady before me. "Hey, Agnes?"

"What, brat?" she asks, still turned away.

"Thank you."

I watch as Agnes suddenly spin around, the scowl lines even deeper than before. I think I spot some blush as well, but it's difficult to tell against the darkness of her skin, and I see her throw a hand at me, shooing me away. "Just hurry up and pick out what you came here to buy and get out of here already. I'm tired of looking at that ugly mug of yours."

"The feeling is mutual, you old hag," I reply with a grin before skipping away to join my two companions.

Finding Candy and Argeias further in the store, I arrive to see them looking over weapons, under a sign reading, "Clearance Items". Hearing me approach, Candy turns around, offers me a smile, and says, "King Ash, I know your rapier broke, and you need a new weapon. What do you think of these?"

I look to the shelf she is pointing at, seeing four items on display, and I read the small placards underneath each item aloud:

====================

Foot in mouth (Orb)

+50 INT, -100 Charisma

2 gold

====================

BDSM (Whip)

+1 Sexual Prowess

2 gold

====================

Explosion (Sword)

+100 STR, Single-Use

2 gold

====================

Cross-eyed-bow (Crossbow)

-50% chance to hit

2 gold

====================

Wait...what the hell is up with these items?!

"They're a tad cursed," a voice says from behind, as if reading my thoughts. I turn to see the shopkeeper, Agnes, approaching. "For whatever reason, I can't seem to sell them."

Gee, I can't imagine why.

"We looked around, Ash, and these are the only ones we can afford right now," Argeias says. Then suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Agnes, patting me gently with her gnarled hand.

"Since I'm in a charitable mood, for you, my dearest friend, I'll even throw in a deal. A special, limited time offer. 150% percent of the list price."

"Wow really, that's great-!" But then I process what she actually said and I exclaim, "Hey wait a second, you're increasing the price?!" I do some quick mental math. 150% of two is… "Three gold coins?! That's all our money!"

"Oh weird. Fancy that coincidence," Agnes says with a smirk.

"You-!" I begin, but then I just let out a sigh. "Fine, whatever. I'll pick-" I turn to the shelf, eyeing my choices again, before reaching out a hand and picking one up. "This'll do."

Argeias hands over the last of our gold to Agnes, and the shopkeeper gives a slight bow. "Thank you for your patronage. Please do come again soon."

"Hmph! Let's go!" I exclaim, gesturing to my two companions, the elf and the centaur, "Off to the Blazing Hell Dungeon!" Then as I exit the store, I give one last look back towards Agnes, and I see the shopkeeper offer me a knowing wink, forcing me to smile in reply, and I can't help but to muse to myself.

"What king of king will you aspire to be", huh?