Chapter 13

During the four days that I came home late due to overtime work, Il-Jo said that he thought I was avoiding him. Il-Jo’s conjecture was not entirely wrong. Because I have recall the memories of that day, and now I really want to avoid encountering him. Why did I do that? Manager Song, who was paying attention to the fact that my monitor screen didn’t turn off even after 5 minutes from work, noticed something and asked me. “Why aren’t you back yet? The team said yesterday that the rush already over.” 

“Ah, I still have some work.” 

“If you don’t have dinner plans, would you like to go have dinner together? I can’t go home with something I’m going to get rid of by tomorrow. I’m going to be late anyway, so lets have dinner.” 

I usually eat with people from other departments whenever I get a chance. Because there is nothing better than that to know the inner workings of the employees. I want to excuse myself for saying that at this time too, but… I knew all too well from myself that this was not the reason I followed Manager Song. I don’t want to go home. 

There was no good place to eat nearby, so we went to a restaurant in a five-star hotel not far from work. It was a pretty good place, but Manager Song ate dinner as if he was getting rid of food for battle. And in less than 30 minutes we were all done. I wanted to eat more slowly. “Thats’s a good meal” 

“Yes, thank you… .” 

Manager Song went up to the office excitedly and I went down to the underground parking lot. Now is the time to really go home. I sat in the car and thought without starting the engine. Why did I do that? I don’t like this fragments memories. 

However, there are very few instances where it is cut off. Until I was twenty-seven, I didn’t experience it at all, but from a certain moment on, there were times when I found that the path of my memory was cut off in a blink of an eye. On the day of the accident, I thought that the film did not stop because the flow of time and place remained connected to a certain extent in my memory. No, but why the hell did I put my lips on the nape of his neck? 

I couldn’t understand the flow of thought that my subconscious would have decided. There have been times when, drunk, staring at the bakery display case, Castella looked so soft that I unwittingly came close enough to drive my forehead into the window. So the problem was that there was no glass window between Il-Jo’s neck and my lips at that time. 

A sigh came out. “Let’s stop escaping reality.” Actually I knew the answer. That’s my subconscious answer. There was only one answer as to why. Even though I already realized this, it was difficult to tell him about it. I looked back slowly. Is it that I just want to avoid him because I am shy now, is it because I have done something I regret and it is difficult to get back on track, or do I want to deny what happened that day. 

It was all bad. The more I thought about it, the more I sighed. These mistakes were getting bigger. When reason works, it doesn’t make many regrets, but instinct doesn’t work that way. 

I wonder how much older I will be and how many failures I will have to go through before I can control myself. Did you say that even Confucius is 70 years old, even if he lives as he pleases, and does not break the law? I’m short for a while. Even if you can’t reach the state of virtue, you have to at least become an adult who can admit mistakes. The adults I thought were perfect as a child weren’t perfect, but they were good at hiding their mistakes. 

My uncle used to take the illegitimate child and raise it with his own hands, but my father didn’t. I know there’s a half-brother out there who gives me a penny and treats me like a total stranger. I don’t have enough face to apologize, I feel sorry for the things I have to pay when a mistake is discovered, and I have a lot of responsibility.

Small mistakes are covered by lies, and big mistakes are covered by money and power. Or they deceive innocent people or blame others for not making a mistake but saying that was their intention. That’s the way my father lived. I was disillusioned whenever those in authority acted so cunningly. I can’t be the same person. An honest person will at least be willing to expose his mistakes and pay the price. 

Because that house is mine, Il-Jo owes me, because he’s emotionally weak to me, so I’ll be patient. If I leave this incident alone and move on to something like that never happened, I may feel at ease for a moment, but I am using my authority cunningly. Let’s just admit it and apologize. 

As soon as I made up my mind, I started the car. When I got home, it was a little past 10. Inside the dark house, light was leaking out from inside the room of Il-Jo. Soon there was the sound of footsteps coming from inside the door, and the sound of the door opening. Il-Jo came out of the room and greeted me with only his eyes again. “You came” I was relieved without knowing it. 

I felt a little grateful for the guy who had been hurt by my actions to act like he used to. “I haven’t eaten dinner. Come here.” 

“I already ate.” Even with that said, Il-Jo followed me. I know how bad he usually eats alone. And when I bought him food, he never refused, saying ‘I’m full’ or ‘I’ve already eaten’. There was a high possibility that he wasn’t properly eating three meals a day. While I was hanging my clothes and washing my hands, Il-Jo prepared the food I had bought plausibly. 

And I brought a bottle of champagne from the cellar. Actually, I had no thought of eating because I had a big dinner with Manager Song. Packed food was always a bait to provoke Il-Jo, so I was thinking of making my own meals in moderation with a side dish. Buying for only one person is too much like ‘I bought this for you to eat’. 

As I opened the champagne stopper and sat down, “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Did you tell me I was drunk?” 

“When did I.” 

“You basically have it written on your forehead right now.” Instead of refusing to refute, Il-Jo avoided my gaze. Every time he notice that I’m observing his expression, Il-Jo’s auricles turn red. I still don’t feel like the fact that I bit that ear. A drunken lyricist takes care of accidents, and I take care of the repairs. While eating, we only avoided talking about the day’s drinking party. It was proof that each other was very conscious of that day. In the end, I procrastinated. I opened my mouth as the late night meal was over. 

“I remembered.” 

Even though it was a nonsensical statement completely out of context, Il-Jo immediately seemed to understand what it meant. The sound of food that had not yet been swallowed was gurgling through his throat. “You, you, do you remember?” I nodded. 

“Sorry. It was completely absurd.” 

“No, no… .” 

“I didn’t intentionally pretend I didn’t know. I didn’t really remember until you asked.” As I sighed, the atmosphere on the table cooled. All of a sudden, Il-Jo had put down the chopsticks he was eating. It seems that the nervous heartbeat of the guy sitting over the table can be heard all the way up to here. Now it was time for me to say the real self-defeating words. “I’ve been thinking about why I did that.” 

“… .” 

“My desires seems to have piled up. I probably thought you were woman.” And then came the suffocating silence. I was going to add a joke if Il-Jo smiles after me as usual.

Why is the nape of his neck so white? But Il-Jo’s face was not very good. The boy looked like he was about to pretend to be fine again. Reading the atmosphere, I lowered my gaze instead of joking around. “It’s pathetic right? I’d problably deserve it if you slapped me.” 

Il-Jo had repeatedly said that he was confused because he was stupid. But looking back on the lost memories, it was none other than me who confused him. Now the situation has become suffocatingly uncomfortable. Perhaps I wanted to avoid this moment because I knew that Il-Jo would be shocked by what I said frankly. Because I knew he would make that kind of expression instead of laughing lightly. And the reason you can’t take it as a joke is probably because you like me too much. Il-Jo would have wanted to be mistaken for even a moment before I told him clearly. Hoping to have some interest and curiosity in me. But it is not good to hold such expectations for a long time. “And there is one thing I lied to you. I don’t have a girlfriend. Something went wrong that day.” 

“….” 

“I’m sorry for deceiving you. It was because I didn’t want to distance myself from you, but I went too far. Anyway, I guess that’s how it was that day.” 

Here’s what I’ve prepared. Now, all that remains is for Il-Jo to report me as a molester. 

“You didn’t have to tell me that.” Il-Jo’s voice sounded dull at first glance. But I could feel resentment and regret dripping from the end of the guy’s words. “Don’t tell me, just leave me alone. I know it all.” 

The eyes of Il-Jo, who looked at me with gentle eyes, twinkled. Perhaps it was because of the thin film of tears that covered the pupils. 

“Ah… sorry.” As soon as I saw the guy’s face, an apology came out reflexively. As soon as I saw Il-Jo’s expression, I realized it. We weren’t getting better. I thought Il-Jo was getting better than ever. 

He looked at me less than the first time, talked to me more often, and now he feels comfortable in my home, so I thought that his love for me had become quite dull. I let myself go, thinking that our relationship was returning to the realm of cousins. It wasn’t at all. Il-Jo’s heart was rather deep. 

“… If you have anything you want to say, do it. I will listen to you today.” At my words, Il-Jo bowed his head. I thought tears would fall on the table… There was no such thing. After he had been restless for a while, the red energy around his eyes disappeared, and then he opened his mouth. I wondered if he would tell me that he likes me for the first and last time. Because Il-Jo is the type of person who can’t stand the words he wants to say. However, with a trembling voice, Il-Jo said something completely unexpected. “Me too, I want to quit.” 

“…yes.” 

“I know you only like women. You also probably think i’m pathetic. Your expression when I secretly kissed you… I still remember.” In that way, Il-Jo lined up the words he wanted to say without hesitation. “I Always think about you. Because I like you. You don’t remember how you looked at me. You can forget a lot, but I’m not.  I remember everything because i like you. Because I don’t want to do what you hate. Every time you put on a tired face, I try not to do the same thing. Also, I try to give up. Every day, every morning when I wake up, I wake up thinking that I wish I liked him less than I did yesterday. I fall in love quickly, but sometimes it ends quickly, so I think every day that liking you is the shortest time of my life’s unrequited love.”

He wiped away his tears as I stared at him, who was talking without realism. It was as if standing behind Seo Jeong-han, who was looking at Lee Il-jo, and watching the two people in the play. How did we get to this point? I tried to dissuade Il-Jo, but he already knew too well what he had to do. 

“Il-Jo ya”

When I called his name affectionately, Il-Jo shuddered. The more I treat you kindly, the more fearful I am, but I don’t know. “… Why.” 

“Then what shall I do?” 

“What?” 

“How can I help you get rid of these feelings sooner?” 

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Il-Jo blinked at my words. “Shall we live separately? I’ll lend you the deposit. Pay off your debts slowly… No, it’s okay if you don’t pay it at all. Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t see their faces at all?” 

Il-Jo shook his head at those words. A cry that was forcibly suppressed came out of his bowed head. “I hate that.” Il-Jo sobbed and muttered a little. Even though it’s so painful, it seems that you still don’t want to spread up with me. 

“Why are you crying so often?” I asked with a grin, Il-Jo clenched his teeth and answered. “I don’t usually cry.” Lie. Even at the funeral and in front of me, you already cried many times. Il-Jo protested, knowing that I didn’t believe him. 

“Really. It’s because it’s so hard to like you.” 

“Yes. You must have been upset.” Saying that, I wiped Il-Jo’s wet cheeks with my fingers. His cheeks were soft. As soon as he felt it, his outstretched hand stopped and stiffened. It was an unconscious action… I clicked my tongue in an awkward feeling. 

This doesn’t mean that Il-Jo keeps getting it wrong. However, the previous action was something of an irresistible force. I feel bad when a stranger’s dog licks me, but it’s okay if it’s my dog. Something about that level of familiarity was ingrained into his body. The tears of Il-Jo on the knuckles were not so inconsequential. Now I really wanted to comfort him. 

“What shall I do?” 

“Oh, just don’t do anything. Because everything you’ve done so far backfired… .” That meant that even if I lied about having a girlfriend or acted like a stepmother swearing at Cinderella, he would love me even more. Being overly honest. I said with a smirk. “I really want to help.” 

Then he raised his head and looked into my eyes for a while. And my sincerity that I want him to stop crying has probably been conveyed safely. Il-Jo stopped the tears and opened his mouth slightly. 

“You can tell me.” 

“… .” 

“Really.” I comforted him again, but after a while, Il-Jo shook his clasped hands and said. The only thing you really want. “Then, give me a kiss, just once.” He asked quietly.

“Are you sure that’s enough?” 

“… .” 

“Is that really enough?” Il-Jo licked his lips and shut his mouth completely without saying anything. He doesn’t seem to have the courage to try harder. Ask me to kiss him. Then the shape of his lips caught my eye. The upper lip is slightly raised and thick, so rather than being stubborn when you keep your mouth shut, it is rather cute and fresh like a bird’s beak. Since he doesn’t have any hand cream, he probably won’t even use lip balm, but the surface was smooth. Just one kiss, there’s no reason not to listen. 

The reason I want to get a confirmation before that is because the request was too simplistic. So far, people who have needed my help have usually responded in two ways when asked to talk about their desires. Either they openly express their hopes that are too large to be realized at all, or they moderately reduce their desires because they do not want their true desires to be revealed. And in my experience, those who say the latter are the more difficult ones. This is because they want me to read my desires first, and they want me to know in advance and do everything on my side without having to say anything. 

These are just statistics from experience. Besides, the inside is also more insidious and twisted latter on. In this way, it is easy to hear complaints even if the request is granted. Then when you think about why people hide their true desires… . It’s because of pride.

Anyway, I don’t like situations where people who are in a position to just receive what I give them build their self-esteem. This is not to say that Il-Jo would do such a thing on purpose. There are cases when the heart that is in unrequited love keeps getting hurt and all that’s left is pride. However, the end of the relationship is bound to end in tragedy. I was willing to listen even if Il-Jo wanted the former from me. You can just give and forget about the security deposit for the studio, which Il-Jo has to earn after working for over a year, or close your eyes and hope for something bigger than a kiss… . He shook his head to shake the sudden thought. “Is that really okay?” 

Il-Jo nodded. I shrugged my chin and looked at him with narrowed eyes. But before that, there is one unanswered question. “Will that help you like me less?” At those words, Il-Jo, who had been watching me with anxious eyes, swallowed the tears that erupted again. Then he shook his head and denounced and criticized me loudly. He seemed angry. “If you don’t want to do that, don’t do it! I didn’t force you to do it.” 

“No, that’s not what I mean… .” 

“Why do you keep asking? You don’t know how scary you are when you argue like that.” 

“Why are you scared of me?” Absurd I had no intention of scare you. So should I laugh and say it? at this moment? Then they say there’s no luck anymore. “Anyway, if you don’t want to do it, just say no… I was already very embarrassed.” 

It was embarrassing, the tone was strangely impressive. I had become so used to the frivolous language habits of my friends that I had even forgotten that there was an alternate vocabulary for the word ‘worried’. Come to think of it, I’ve never heard Il-Jo use profanity. “If you want to make fun of me, keep going. That’s all I have to bear with the fact that I fell in love with you,” Il-Jo muttered softly. 

He may have said it in small words because he was afraid I would be offended by it, but unfortunately I heard it all. It was an instant when I got up pushing the chair and walked closer to Il-Jo, who wasn’t looking at me. Il-Jp raised his head with fearful eyes. It was when I lowered my head by holding his chin, which was smaller than expected, in one hand. 

“Aaaah!” 

“Ugh.” Il-Jo suddenly screamed and slapped my cheek. I glanced back at him, rubbing the area between my cheeks and chin, where I was struck with a bewildered feeling. A while ago, Il-Jo, who had swung his arms like a seizure, was like, ‘Aaaah… .’ He was trembling and making a strange noise. 

“… what are you doing?” 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit you… .” 

“You were the one who asked me to kiss you!” Unable to describe the absurdity, my voice rose without realizing it. 

“When I was forced to do that, you liked me, so why do you treat me as a molester for doing something you ask for?” When I screamed, Il-Jo bowed his head and apologized. He was about to get down from the table chair and kneel on the floor. “sorry… sorry. I’m suddenly so surprised. I mean, I knew you wouldn’t. I, I prepare my heart… And I have to brush my teeth… .” 

“What?” Was that the reason? The tension was relieved by the disappointment. I pointed to the bathroom with my hand. “Then go and do it quickly.” Il-Jo looked at me and went into the bathroom. I sighed as I watched the nearby bathroom door close. I was just trying to get rid of it quickly. I thought he would come out soon, but he didn’t come out for a while. As I approached the bathroom, I heard the sound of running water in the shower. It wasn’t funny. What the… what the hell is he imagining? As I said before, when I ask people who need my help to tell them what they want, sometimes they shorten it appropriately because they don’t want their true desires to be revealed. 

Il-Jo may be the case. No, of course not. If you don’t want to sleep with someone you like, try to be there. Anyway, I hope I don’t want Il-Jo to read my desires first and listen to them even if I don’t have to tell them. Because that’s the kind of people I hate the most. I muttered as I stared pitifully at the bathroom door. But if he looks beyond kissing, it’s impossible for me. Just imagining how he would do something to a man who has the same things as me gave me goosebumps. It might be possible if you just look at the face, but imagining it under your underwear is just disgusting. 

Suddenly I felt overly calm, I quickly emptied the remaining half a bottle of champagne. After two full glasses of wine, the bottle ran out. Shortly thereafter, Il-Jo came out of the bathroom, with his hair wet. Did you really just take a bath for a kiss? After washing his  hair so beautifully, his hair is tangled like a dog wiping wet hair. I pointed the sofa to Il-Jo, who was standing by the door and staring at me. “Go over there and sit down.” Perhaps because what I was just trying to get rid of became something that required ‘preparation of the mind’ due to the boy’s arrest, suddenly it began to become a burden to me as well. 

As I told him, Il-Jo, who had been sitting on the sofa in a tense posture, suddenly lit a candle on the table. “Why are you lighting that?” The living room was already lit as bright as daytime. Il-Jo lights the candle without answering. Soon, the faint light of a candle that you did not know whether it was there or not began to flicker. I think it would be better to turn off the lights for the sake of the mood. But when I turned off the living room lights, Il-Jo prevent me. “Can you just leave it on… .” 

Why are you shy?

After a while, I understood why Il-Jo said that. Because just by sitting next to me and staring at the lips, which is the task at hand, Il-Jo’s ears began to glow pink. Even though he was shy, he glanced at my side face. I want to see your face. Feeling embarrassed, I adjusted my posture and sat next to him. My right thigh and Il-Jo’s left thigh were pressed against each other. I put my hand on the guy’s thigh as he reflexively shrugged. 

Then, this time, he hardens like a stone. “Don’t be too nervous. Then I can’t feel anything.” Saying that, I wrapped my arms around Il-Jo’s shoulders. I saw him and I sitting side by side on the screen of the TV that was not turned on. It is necessary to know that the gaze of a person is quite explicit. 

When I thought I wasn’t looking at myself, I couldn’t take my eyes off of my profile. Suddenly, I became curious about seeing him through his eyes. “Lean on me.” I gently stroked his shoulder with the hand that was wrapped around him, then stroked the upper arm of his arm. I felt uncomfortable with the shoulders clearly wider than the women I had been accustomed to caressing, and the rigidity of the skeleton, which is hard to explain, but I soon got used to it too. 

Apparently, a bottle of champagne is helping me properly. Il-Jo soon became soft like melted cotton candy and leaned against me. Now, not only his ears but also the nape of his neck was burning red. The cold water from his wet hair and the heat from his hot cheeks spread from the shoulder he leaned against as if he was burying his head. When I looked down, the two dotted dots on the back of his neck were still clearly visible. I quietly bowed my head, sliding my lips over the dots. “Oh… .” Il-Jo trembled in surprise, not knowing that my lips would touch that first before kissing. 

I grabbed the arm and shoulder of the guy who was unconsciously struggling to get away. Il-Jo took a deep breath while trembling. You only have this much? He must have been unaccustomed to receiving expressions of affection. You’ve never been in a relationship, you’ve never been caressed like this? 

It was like a chimney to make fun of me, but I decided to put it off for later. It seems that he is weak against the atmosphere. “Look up.” As I muttered with my lips on the back of his neck, Il-Jo moaned and raised his head as instructed. I kissed him, my lips naturally fell on the soft skin under his ears, the high bone of his long, slender neck, and then to the jawline. When I finally raised my head to face him, Il-Jo avoided my gaze. 

“Don’t put out the fire.” 

“… Yes.” 

“You have to look me in the eyes.” 

A transparent film of water covered Il-Jo’s eyes, the clear sclera. I was reflected in the black eyes inside. The moment our lips touched, Il-Jo trembled in my arms. 

I, who had already guessed it, hugged his back tighter. I could feel his heart beating in my arms. With a pulsating pulse like someone who had just finished sprinting, I felt like I had done something better than a UNICEF sponsorship with just one kiss. 

When I dug into the lips, which were much softer than expected, a softer tongue was hidden inside. I gently bit his lower lip and sucked it with light pressure. I even scratched the roof of his mouth after touching his tender tongue. Each time, while trembling, Il-Jo opened his mouth to match my slow progress. 

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Il-Jo was not good at kissing. The guy’s tongue was hard, but still weak to stimulation, he shed a moan that he couldn’t swallow at times, and eventually fell back on the sofa because he didn’t have the strength to control his back. How did such a clumsy guy have the courage to say, ‘Kiss me just once.’ I opened my eyes when the wet lips that were touching and falling apart made a sound. Il-Jo had his eyes open. He probably didn’t close his eyes for even a moment. “I’m good at kissing, right?” 

“Yes…” Il-Jo answered with no regrets. The guy’s eyes were drenched in the afterglow of the hazy after a long kiss. It feels like we love each other very dearly. The reason of the body is so scary is because of this hypnotic feeling. I understand the aftertaste. 

So I let Il-Jo courageously raise his hand and trace my drooping bangs and eyebrow bones. “Thank you, I will remember for the rest of my life.” I was a little surprised at the unexpected words of Il-Jo. Even while drunk on the aftertaste, Il-Jo did not forget the meaning of this kiss.