327 Pillow Talk

"Is it really that easy to kill a person?" Lily shifted her gaze towards Zhuo Jingren as she wrapped the sheet around her naked body.

"Why are you talking about this while you're naked with me?" he asked, mirth apparent in his voice.

"I'm serious," Lily said. "I know this isn't the right time to talk about it but I think… I won't be able to sleep without knowing the answer to my question. I mean… I'm not a saint, but I always… tried to avoid causing anyone's death. I find it… I don't know. Killing innocents is…"

"They were not innocents. No one is," Zhuo Jingren clarified. He sighed as he realised that his blunt and detached comments left Lily speechless. "Two hundred and thirteen people," he uttered, sending Lily's eyebrow flying towards her hairline. Was he going to tell her about himself? This was actually the first time that Lily heard him talk about this. To be exact, it was the first time that he'd ever opened up about his life.

"I've ordered my father's... my men... to kill a total of two hundred and thirteen people.  I know their names, ages, jobs, why I had them killed, when, and where…

"I didn't hold the gun or slit their throats, and yet… I was the one who ordered it. Now… let me tell you the difference between being the one who ordered a kill and being the one who personally pulled the trigger." Zhuo Jingren paused to find the right words. "When you pull the trigger, it's not on you. You are just following an order, so if you don't do it someone else will That's it. Can you see the difference? As the person who ordered the massacre, I'm the one responsible for everyone's death. Not my men who were pulling the triggers. Not the people who burned all the dead bodies. Just me."

"All the responsibility falls on me," he repeated as his hand slowly made its way into Lily's. He slowly slid her fingers between his and lifted their joined hands, casting a shadow over part of his face. "Years ago… when… my adoptive father wanted to  leave the world of the Yakuzas, he was killed."

"That was around the same time as when… you were supposed to get married. So, when you disappeared, I was so occupied with my father's death and its aftermath that I was unable to focus on you. During that time, a lot of blood was spilled and a lot of people were killed, entire Yakuza families were obliterated as if they'd never existed, burned to the ground…"

"It was on me. Do I regret it? No. Do I think about it? Yes. Do I think it's wrong? No. You need to understand, the moment they decided to kill my father is the moment in which they signed their own death certificates.The moment they decided to touch you is the moment in which they deserved to die. Now...is it really easy to kill someone? " Zhuo Jingren slowly put their hands down and turned to face Lily. "Pulling the trigger was easy. Deciding to pull the trigger is also easy. The gravity of it… the responsibility… the stain, now that will never leave me. It will remain with me forever. It marks me… every single time I decide to kill someone… it changes me a little. The weight of each life… knowing that there are people who will miss them... It just… changes me. Maybe it's the same for everyone who has made the same decision."

Silence followed Zhuo Jingren's words as the tension began to slowly build within their room. Lily could feel her heart pumping, accelerating... racing.

"If you were to ask me if I regret killing the people that you deem 'innocents'... my answer would be 'no'. I will never regret any decision made or action taken if it was made to ensure your safety and protect our future." Once again, a deafening silence followed his words. "I'll understand if you are afraid of me. I'll understand…"

"I'm not," Lily interrupted him as she suddenly sat up in bed, her hand clutching the sheets around her body. Lily turned to look at him, her eyes meeting his dark brown orbs. "Thank you for sharing your past with me," she said, just barely above a whisper, her voice soft and gentle. "I'm not judging you, I don't blame you for your choices, and I would never be afraid of you."

Lily slowly lowered her head as she bit her lip. This brutally frank conversation was exactly what she needed to hear. His sincerity, his solemn words...were akin to an assurance, a promise...confirmation that they were in this together.. "Revenge was easy when I had no one," Lily admitted hesitantly. "But all this… all this killing and disposing of people like they are nothing… like they don't matter is honestly making me scared. I'm afraid that someday… somehow all this will come back to bite me, bite us… our family, and all that might ultimately lead to a never ending cycle."

"Revenge was easy when I had no one. But now… now that I have you. I…" she lifted her head and stared at him. "I don't know if all this is worth it anymore."

"All these things just made me realize that at the end of the day… despite having all this money and luxury, all we really have is each other, but… I fear that I might  lose that. I fear that I might lose you in some endless cycle of revenge. I am scared, Jingren. For the first time… since seven years ago, I feel scared." Lily's hands nervously pleated the blanket that was slowly sliding down due to Jingren sitting up and shifting to face her. She continued to look at him as he watched her, his eyes gentle as he looked into the depths of her soul.

"This was not revenge," he stated. "This was justice."

When Lily did not answer him, Zhuo Jingren lifted his hand and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I know the line between the two is often blurred. Some say that revenge is just wild justice, while others say the two are completely different. But think about it… we are not doing this just to satisfy ourselves. We were not here to get even. No. We are fighting for what they took from you - from us. Our child, your father and mother, as well as your brother. This is not retaliation. This… is us setting everything right."

"With interest," Lily suddenly blurted out as her lips lifted into a smile. She used her other hand to wipe away her tears before she continued, "Let's not forget the fact that my motivation has always been money and growing my grandmother's company."

"Yeah…" he chuckled. "Of course. How could you ever forget about the money part?"