Chapter 43 - 42

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While Philip was gathering up the people his Alpha had requested, while John was being tied up into that very uncomfortable chair, thinking how he had signed Kai's death sentence and while Lun was at home, in the comfort of his big mansion drinking expensive whiskey as he tried to find a way and eradicate Moonshine, Kai had been left alone with Soran.

Slowly he was starting to feel better and when the white haired vampire returned he brought him a blood bag. Soran had been gone for a few hours telling Kai that he had some business to take care of. Thankfully he had come back with food, because the prince, after everything that had been through, was starving. He was still resting on the couch, a fluffy mint colored blanket resting on his long legs as he flipped the pages of a mystery book he had read quite a few times before. It was kind of ironic, reading a mystery book again and again since you knew the ending. Someone would think it wouldn't be as interesting any more but Kai loved it. He read that specific book so much because the main character reminded him of Philip. Calm, playful and funny with a great skill at expressing himself. He loved reading the lines as the character spoke and imagining the man he loved phrase them.

As he heard Soran enter the small living room with plastic bags on his hands he closed it, hiding it underneath the couch cushion. For some reason he felt as if he was doing something bad. Maybe he wanted to hide that part of himself that was still clinging into those foolish memories of love. Everyone knew though, everyone could see it. How stuck he was in the past and how easily he fell all over again for him, for the second time.

"I brought food." Soran had told him and waved the bags. "It's from my human. I know it will probably taste bad to you but I bet you're hungry." he said and sat on the floor, next to Kai's couch. The prince smiled.

"You don't have to sit on the floor. There is an armchair right there." he told him and pointed at the comfortable seat at the other side of the room.

"It's not close to you though." he answered with a sweet smile as he searched through the bag. It was filled with blood bags. Kai blinked, noticing the huge amount of blood Soran had brought over.

"Is your human…" Kai mumbled, not knowing how to phrase his concern so he wouldn't insult him. Soran blinked a few times, waiting for Kai to finish talking but after a few seconds he understood for himself what he meant and laughed.

"Oh, yes. She is fine, don't worry. These are leftovers too. I don't force her to do anything. You know I would never." the snow haired man said and the prince smiled.

"I know. Feels a bit silly that I asked." he said

"Kind of is." Soran teased him and Kai gasped, pretending to be insulted.

"That could have your head cut off." the prince said and the vampire started laughing. He handed him a blood bag and Kai pierced it with his fangs, allowing the cold liquid to enter his mouth. It tasted horrible, as if someone was trying to poison him but he closed his eyes and hid his frown and swallowed. For two centuries this was something he had to learn how to cope with. Every type of blood, from all kinds of people, tasted like sewage. During his first times he would always throw up, go long periods without even feeding at all because he was scared of how his body would react and then reach a point when he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore and kill many just to satisfy himself. Like he did the other day, he still remembered that man.

"Your eyes are sad again." Soran noted, realizing that Kai was once more lost in depressive thoughts.

"I killed a man. A thief, a few days ago because I was starving. I took his life without even thinking about it" Kai confessed and now that he was saying it out loud it felt even worse than when he heard it in the walls of his own mind.

"I'm sorry." Soran told him. There wasn't really anything else. He knew no words would mend his guilt and scolding him would just make everything a lot more depressing. Kai knew very well right from wrong his situation though many times would end up blurring the lines and the ones who understood it, couldn't say anything about it.

"Yeah, me too." The prince said with a sad smile. "I...am lost. Ever since I left BloodBound I have been on the edge of losing myself."

"Is it because you miss home? Maybe because of Philip?" Soran asked him, concern written all over his face.

"No, I don't miss home. I've learnt not to miss it. It's not fully because of Philip. I love him, I will always do no matter who I am, that's something I can't change. The problem is me and this guilt that's eating me alive. I want to speak, I want to find a way and tell him everything but that…"

"That will kill you." Soran finished his sentence and Kai nodded. His friend frowned and took Kai's hand in his, feeling his cold skin match his. "No forgiveness is worth your life. I am sure what you did was not because you wanted to harm him. You are not that kind of person, you never were. If he remembers and thinks that of you then I believe he simply doesn't know you, he never did. Kai, stop seeing yourself as a monster because you are not one. We are all cursed, burdened with an emotionless eternity, many of the vampires out there choose to lose themselves, turn into real monsters but you, you would never be one of them, you are too kind, too smart, too noble to do it." Soran told him.

Kai needed words like these. He needed to hear them, but he couldn't let them nest in his heart and become a part of him. After everything that happened, he couldn't simply believe other's words and he hated that. Soran cared, he was trying to be truthful but even though he knew it Kai couldn't hold back that suspicion. He felt horrible.

Nonetheless he smiled and gave Soran's hand a squeeze.

"Thank you. Your words always find a way to soothe my soul. It's quite a skill you know. Very charming." he teased him and the man in front of him blushed.

"I am a catch, what can I say?" Soran answered with a cute smile when a loud bang interrupted their little game.

Both of them frowned, surprised by the intensity of the noise. Someone was banging at Kai's door in the middle of the night. Soran stood up, the prince ready to mimic him but he didn't let him. He waved his arm signaling him to stay there as he walked slowly downstairs.

"Wait here.." he had told him right before he disappeared.

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