Chapter 152 - A BAD MOM

I was doing my best to not let Kyle see how much all of this shit was affecting me. And this had nothing to do with the way the baby had been born. Yeah, OK, Maya was born at home with only the two of us here. So what, that shit used to be normal. We were going to register her birth like anyone else would. Well, actually Deek was going to take care of that for us. He truly was a good friend, and I had missed him a lot over all of those years since he left the pack.

The real issue that was getting to me, the real reason why I was borderline panicking, was the fact that I wasn't making milk for my baby to drink. Isn't that supposed to be what any other woman did when they delivered?

I mean, I know that there are reasons why women shouldn't breastfeed, but there aren't a lot of reasons why a woman can't. It happens all that time, and I know that, but does it happen to a shifter woman? We were literally meant to do this. We were literally more animal than the humans, and this was supposed to be easy for me. Now though, I wasn't able to breastfeed my own baby because of what? Me being an Alpha female? That was fucking bullshit.

Why? Why couldn't I be normal in this aspect? Why did I have to have something that prevented me from living a normal life at almost every turn? OK, I had a normal mate life with my husband, if you took out the fact that I was so not the frilly girly diva type of person. But when it came to being a mother, why couldn't I be normal?

Was this a punishment? Was this the Moon Goddess punishing me because I said that I truly didn't want kids? Is this because I said the best thing about kids was that I could send them back to their parents? Is that why I was such a horrible mother right from the beginning?

And that whole thing with trying to pump milk out for Maya had been a disaster. I am good with pain, but that shit fucking hurt. And now, even if I did develop milk, I still wouldn't be able to feed her because it would be mixed with my blood. That was bullshit. Why couldn't I just be a normal person for once in my damn life?

I had just been holding Maya in my arms, staring at her face when Kyle sat next to me. When I looked around the room I realized that he was the only one in here with me and Maya.

"Where did everyone go?" I asked him, shocked that I didn't even notice them leaving.

"They're in the other room. They left a long time ago to get some sleep. Right now EZ is calling his parents, so I am assuming that Laurell and Bechard will be here soon."

"That sounds like it will be long, loud, and slightly annoying." I sighed. "I love Laurell and Bechard, they're great people, but I really don't want to have them gushing over me and the baby right now."

"Well, you could always take a nap while they're here. You just gave birth last night so I am guessing that they won't be staying long." Kyle looked like he really, truly believed that.

"You think so? I was kind enough to give birth at home. That means we don't have one of those scary nurses to tell them to leave when visiting hours are over." I just cradled Maya close to me while staring at him.

"Well, we don't have a scary nurse, but we do have an EZ and I am sure that he will tell them to leave if his Jacy isn't feeling comfortable."

"Yeah, he probably could play the part of the scary nurse." I laughed at the thought. "Tell him in advance, he might want to change clothes." I joked with him as I thought about it all.

"I'll do that." He smiled at me. "But I wasn't kidding when I said you should get some sleep. You've been through a lot these last two days."

"I'm not ready to sleep just yet." 

I told him that as I looked at the clock. It was only around nine in the morning now and I had given birth to the baby last night between seven and eight. I am not sure of the exact time but that was close enough to it.

"Jacy, sweetheart, I think you need to rest. You didn't sleep at all last night. If you don't get some sleep, it can be bad for you." His words made sense, but I didn't want to listen.

"If I go to sleep, that means that I have to put her down." I looked at him with sorrow in my eyes. "I'm already a bad mom, Kyle. Don't make me be an even worse one."

"Jacy?" He looked shocked by my words. "How in the hell do you think that you're a bad mom? Maya is just over twelve hours old, and you haven't done anything wrong."

"I haven't done anything right either." I hung my head. "I can't even feed her right."

"You gave her the bottle just fine."

"That's not what I'm talking about!" I snapped at him.

I could see confusion in Kyle's eyes as he tried to figure all of this out.

"Come on, calm down. It's OK." He gently took Maya from my arms as he spoke and laid her in her bassinet. "We don't want to wake her up." He said as he started to walk back toward me. "Now, tell me what's wrong. Tell me why you're so upset."

Kyle climbed back into the bed and pulled me close to him, he laid my head against his chest and cradled me close to his side.

"Talk to me, baby. Tell me what happened."

"I can't feed her like I'm supposed to, Kyle. It's like I'm not a real woman." My whispered complaint sounded deafeningly loud in the quiet room.

"You're definitely a real woman, Jacy. If you weren't you wouldn't have been pregnant to begin with. This is just a minor issue and a lot of women have to bottle feed. This can actually be a good thing because you won't have to wake up every time to feed Maya in the middle of the night. We can take turns. This will be a good thing in the long run." I could tell that he was trying to comfort me, and he wasn't doing a bad job of it. The thing is, he just didn't know how much it hurt not to be able to do that for my baby.

I stopped answering him as I thought about it all. I wanted to be a better mom to my baby. I wanted to still live my old life, but I also wanted to take care of my family. I wanted to do what a mother was supposed to be able to do. I just wanted too much, didn't I?

I could feel myself drifting off to sleep in Kyle's warm embrace. I tried to fight it, but I wasn't able to. I ended up falling asleep very quickly while he held me.

[KYLE POV]

I knew that she was tired. She hadn't slept all night. None of us had, really. We were all too worried about the baby. EZ, Bastian, and Laremy had gone to a guest room to sleep at some point after Maya had finally been able to hold food down, but they got up kind of early. I hadn't slept at all. I was too busy sitting with my wife and my baby.

Honestly, I was surprised that Jacy hadn't slept, and I won't even mention the fact that she hadn't mentioned how hungry she was. I mean, she barely touched her dinner and that was a LONG time ago. Perhaps I should get some food ready for her before she wakes up. I could have EZ and the others help with Maya if I needed it.

As I laid Jacy down on the pillow, sound asleep, I thought about what I could make for her for lunch. After covering her up I went and picked up Maya, bassinet and all. I would take her out to the living room with the rest of us so that her mommy could get some sleep.

"Oh, so you managed to pry the baby from her arms." EZ giggled when he saw me come out to the living room with Maya's bassinet in my hands.

"She is finally asleep." I answered him with a smile.

"Hasn't the baby been sleeping most of the time since she was born?" Bastian asked with confusion in his voice.

"He meant Jacy, you dolt." Laremy sniggered as he answered Bastian.

"Oh, yeah I didn't think she was ever going to go to sleep." Bastian laughed, not even caring that he was just called stupid.

"So, what's the plan?" EZ asked me as the doorbell rang.

"Entertain your parents while Jacy sleeps and I start making lunch." I grinned at him.

"Oh, you're playing dirty. That's not fair." He laughed at me as he stood up from the seat on the couch and headed toward the door. "You're lucky I am such a good sport."

"Don't worry, I will help you soon."

For the next few hours we all spent time with EZ's parents while they gushed over the baby. I knew that Jacy would sleep for a while, so I took the time to make slow cooked short ribs and beef brisket. Jacy would need the protein to rebuild her strength. It took a while to let those cook so after they were prepped, I let them cook until it was nearly one in the afternoon. Laurell and Bechard were going to join us for lunch, which was finally ready so I had to go wake up my wife.

Understandably, she was a little upset that I let her sleep for almost four hours. She thought she might have missed out on a lot, but I got her calmed down long enough to get out of bed and go for lunch.

"I look like a bum though." She complained as I pulled her out of the room.

"You look fine. Besides, you just had a baby. No one is going to judge you."

I was right. No one mentioned her slightly messy hair or the pajamas she was wearing. That was how it should have been.. Thankfully, after that, Jacy was feeling much better, and things went smoothly for the family visit from EZ's parents.