Chapter 33

Chapter 33

For a God, a human life is only that much. The feeling of skepticism and deprivation of the past days wavered under my feet.

[tn– here, under my feet- means sth like bothering/ remembering ; meaning she remembered the past days where she felt skeptical and felt like she deprived ‘og’ Rosiane of her body and life]

“… If I erase my memories of the past and live, what will be left? Who will I be? Will I be me?”

{You’re saying strange things, child. Because your soul remains unchanged, you are just you.}

“As long as the soul is my soul, it’s me? ….. I don’t think so. I became who I am now thanks to so many processes.”

A God who is born with every knowledge in the first place, will not understand the life of a human being who grasps knowledge. You probably will never understand what I’m saying right now.

Nevertheless, the mind which was in a fit of anger constantly voiced out words.

“Even if it was something that I didn’t deserve to go through, I have no intention of denying it.”

{I can’t understand you, child. You thought your life on Earth was miserable. It wouldn’t be bad to erase your memory and fully live as Rosiane.}

“Of course, I know that I denied life until half a year ago. But those d*mned processes taught me a lot of things. Even if I erase my memory and settle in with my life as Rosiane, in the end, there is no guarantee that a painful situation will not happen again, right? Of course, I threw myself away, but in my past life, I learned how to endure, that’s why I don’t want to deny it anymore.”

[tn— she’s saying that she learned a lot of things and learned how to endure bad times in her past life; that’s why she doesn’t want to deny that life anymore.]

Because I’m living in the present, using the past as a stepping stone.

“……So, I will live with these memories, at least, for the purpose of not throwing myself away again.”

Esteria squinted and looked at me as if he was looking at a strange creature.

{….I’ll ask one last time. Will you really be okay living with those memories?

“That kind of help, I don’t need it.”

{Alright. I’ll do as you want.}

As if it was really the last time, Esteria willingly replied.

“……Why did you only find me now?”

It’s been more than half a year since I opened my eyes. The guilt and pain I felt towards Rosiane, and the sorriness I felt for my family so far, were feelings that I might not have experienced if I had met Esteria early.

{Advent requires high divine power. That was finally met now so I was able to come to see you.}

High divine power?

{Yes. It’s the result of the mixture of your father’s divine power and the High priest’s divine power.}

Ah. Erdos… A corner of my heart was emotional. More than that, I can’t believe that he’s my real father.

As well as Nanuk, Eryte, Bernique, and Leav…They were really my family?

{That’s right. You deserve to enjoy it all.}

With an apologetic heart to Rosiane, I kept my distance from my family.

I felt as if I had taken away everything she deserved to enjoy and was standing on her corpse with one foot, so I couldn’t fully regard them as father, older brother, or little brother.

It feels like my life, my worries, the tower I built, although small and shabby, collapsed and was buried at the touch of a stranger who appeared from the outside. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes stung.

“What should I do now…?”

Now that Rosiane is me, There is no reason to feel sorry for her and live for her.

Then what should I live for?

{Do whatever you want. An Esteria can do anything.}

Esteria said in a languid voice.

What it is that I want. I don’t know. I didn’t have anything ever since I was born, so I also didn’t have anything I wanted. Because I knew the fact that it would disappear anyway.

Then, I wonder what ‘Rosiane’, I mean ‘I’ really want to do? Suddenly, the faces of my family came to mind.

Erdos, who smiled as if he was in a good mood with cool eyes, blunt but friendly Nanuk, Eryte, who was mischievous but cares for me, Bernique, who suffered because of me, and the cute little brother Leav, everyone’s faces passed by one by one.

{That, too, is something you should fully enjoy.}

At that moment, I choked up. In no time, tears were falling from my eyes. I shut my mouth tightly and buried my head in my hand.

I was afraid that meeting Esteria was just a dream. I was afraid that my wish for love might have created a lie.

{It’s not a dream. Child.}

Esteria’s voice sank into my ear. It won’t be a dream. It mustn’t be.

A certain overwhelming emotion constantly stimulated my tear glands. Esteria quietly watched me cry until my eyes were swollen.

I remembered the people waiting for me. Yes, it won’t be easy, but I’m going to shake off the past with these tears.

Because from now on, I have to live a life that’s not for someone (else), but for myself.

And when I open my eyes, I will repay them for their warm love.

{It looks like you’re done organizing your thoughts.}

As I nodded and looked at him with the meaning of sending me off quickly, Esteria, who immediately understood it, flatly smiled.

Woong-woong, the space reverberated and faded away, and the world broke into pieces and disappeared.

The chair I was sitting on also disappeared and then my body floated and fell to the endless bottom.

{Child, as an apology, I will share my power with you.}

As I saw a pool of lights created by Esteria be absorbed into my body, my view completely changed again.

Blink, blink.

A light bulb emitting dim light shone on my blinking eyes. I felt someone’s warmth in my hand.

As I lowered my head, I was met with the clear black eyes under the long eyelashes of a boy kneeling near me.

He greeted me with a flushed face. Both of my cheeks were wet from the tears I had shed.

“I see the Glory of the Empire. The Grace of the Holy God Esteria.”

I greeted him back in the puzzling situation and raised my upper body. There were no more stains on my hand, which he had let go of and belatedly examined.

I lived. I am alive.

“Rosiane?”

When I turned my head to the place where the vague voice came from, my gaze intertwined with Erdos, who had been biting the tip of his fingernails.

The bloodstains on his fingertips exactly told how nervous he had been.

Suddenly, I couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t breathe till the end. It must have been now clear that my face was terribly contorted.

Erdos abruptly hugged me and constantly repeated my name.

As soon as I heard his emotional voice calling me in my ears, everything that was weighing heavily disappeared like snow melting at once.

Thump thump, the hearts that touched each pounded violently.

[tn— bc they’re hugging, their hearts/chests are touching]

“……..Urk…”

I thought that I had already poured out enough, but unfortunately the tears fell. My throat kept on choking so it was very difficult to open my mouth.

My dad, who had a face that looked exactly like mine. My family, whose love I can receive without worrying.

Without realizing it, I raised my arms and wrapped it around his neck.

“… ad… Dad…., Dad……!”

A miserable voice came out. As if I was a really young child, my tears burst out.

Have I ever cried out loud. I don’t know. But it wasn’t a bad feeling.

My real family, my real dad, my real life. All the joy and past pain mixed and constantly flowed down.

When I wiped the overflowing tears with the back of my hand, my dad dissuaded me and gently wiped my eyes with his fingertips.

“….Rosiane. Can you tell me one more time?”

“.…Dad.”

“One more time, hm?”

“Dad..….”

I murmured while still sniffling with endless tears, but Erdos’ eyes, which could be seen beyond the blurry view, were bright red.

Soon, a tear flowed down his cheek.

I wiped away the tears that flowed onto his cheek with trembling hands. It was hot. Dad smiled flatly.

Yeah, if I think about it, I wasn’t the only one who had a hard time. I was also in pain, but they, who had been watching me by my side, were also exhausted.

From now on, I will treat them sincerely. As family, as the Empire’s only princess.

I could hear my father’s heart now beating steadily in my ears.

Esteria told me in detail that this was my real world but it’s true that it was still a little awkward.

Since I have never complained or acted cute towards my family, our future relationship was a little hopeless. However, I was confident that everything would be fine.

I want to be happy, now.

Now, for real, I have fully accepted the name ‘Rosiane de Esteria’.

* * *

The fact that I woke up safely under the protection of the God Esteria, was the source of the priests’ bothers, saying that I should be honored as a saint.

But my dad gave an order to keep silent about everything that happened here because he didn’t want to put more burden on me.

While returning to the Imperial Palace in the carriage, I clung to my father’s arms and heard the whole story.

He didn’t seem to want to tell me, but at my urging, he had no choice but to tell me everything.

As I thought about Nadan for a moment, I suddenly blurted out a question that came to mind.

“Um Dad, what became of Jean and Mill?”

When looking at cases of crimes about foreign drugs, even if you transported them without knowing anything, you will be judged by the law. Furthermore, what Jean and Mill transported here was a poison to kill the princess of a country.

No matter how much I think about it, the only conclusion that came out was the death penalty, so I asked nervously, but my dad asked in a soft voice.

“What does Rosiane want this dad to do?”

“If they did it without even realizing it themselves, I think that they should be excused.”

“Then, let’s do it like that.”

It ended so bland to the point that I didn’t need to be nervous so I wondered if it really went well.

“However, they can’t be by your side anymore.”

“… It’s okay.”

Yeah. Leaving the castle is better than dying.

I decided to compromise with my dad at this level. Meanwhile, the carriage crossed the gate.

Erdos, who got off the carriage, hugged me and headed to Arke Palace. A familiar brown canopy greeted us.

My father looked relieved only after he heard that there was no problem after calling in the doctor and Timofey to take a close look, just in case.

“Ah, I should send my thanks to Young Master Vanitas.”

I said, leaning against the head of the bed. In any case, the situation would have been even worse if he hadn’t come with the plant encyclopedia.

“I will personally recognize Young Master Vanitas’ contribution. So Rosiane, don’t meet with him.”

“Yes..…….”

My father said so with a slightly sour expression.

The tired consciousness quickly caused sleepiness when I laid on the bed. Erdos held me tighter in his arms.

“Sleep well, Rosiane.”

“..…Dad too.”

He slightly lowered his eyes out of embarrassment and stared at me, he swept my hair and briefly kissed my forehead.

I snuggled a little further into his arms and closed my eyes.