Chapter 47: Dead End’s Wish

No, it should be not mistaken. He could only crawl through these tunnels not out of bravery, but because he was afraid of death's scythe that would surely fell upon his neck. Lanon was no master adventurer and an experience wanderer or dungeon diver.

He was an unchosen one. A person destined to survive on his own. To survive this far Lanon had abandoned all his pride and dignity, the empathy and the guilt, he threw them all away for the sake of living on. A rational being clings to life. He was no exception. Despite his appearance and state of mind Lanon only has one goal.

Stay alive. That was all he wanted. To crawl without pride in hopes that he could get out of this despairing pit. Lanon was in a terrible state. He smells like shit. He looks like shit. He was bruised all over. His left eye was half-blind. His left hand had purple spots. His left thigh has a purple mark. His right hand was pus-ridden and there were bumps of phlegm growing on his body.

He was badly limping. He was starved thin. To survive enemies he used the bodies of the dead. Without any proper clothing or protection, he contacted a condition where he would feel his entire body burning. He learned how to suppress the urge to scream or shout. All he had to do was bite the scarf that he had. Just endure it until the monsters leave.

Lanon was hiding under a four-legged beast. A tall one-eyed giant with a fat belly, carrying a club roved around the area where he was. It took an hour before the beast left. Because of that he was covered in maggots and had to pat them away from his body.

He stood up gingerly. He thought, "What time is it, mother?"

He had been lost. Lanon was in a state where he had to grasp straws. He could not remember the name of his mother anymore. Yet, he calls for his mother as if natural. He was a babbling mess as he continues on and took cover under this rock formation.

He scratched the bumps on his arms, the bumps grew red and he felt a skin tearing burning pain that made him grit his teeth so badly. He was itching badly. He knew that he shouldn't scratch the bumps and swelling area of his arms. But the pain was so intolerable that he had to keep bit harder on his scarf.

He didn't know what day or time is it. All Lanon could do was follow the way. At best he would take his time crawling upon a passage to reach safety. Upon arriving in this passageway Lanon planted his ear on the ground. He listened to the noises and followed the trail. He saw beasts that would have been able to rip him apart. He hid carefully and listened.

Through experiencing these things that he has learned to avoid death. There were too many dangers in this dungeon. It was not that hard to think about what will happen to him if he makes a mistake. How could he fight the monsters that even the guardsmen of Throes could not defeat? They were experienced men that have fought many monsters. Yet they could not stand a chance against these monsters.

Fighting the enemy is nothing but a troublesome chore. Who cares if he could see men from the faction die and get torn? He was too afraid to die. His thoughts told him to shut up and wait for the danger to past. Lanon didn't have the strength or he could pull feats.

The most human thing he could do was crawl and begs for God's mercy. Fear was an instinct and because of this that he was able to survive for so long. He was battered, bruised, dazed, confused and depressed. He could only continue on because the thought of death made him.

Was he special for surviving this long? Not really. There are many cases where men struggled to survive. In accidents, survivors persist on because of their fear over death. To put it simply Lanon was no chosen one. He was a survivor caught in an accident that threw him in this damned world.

He was merely experiencing the hardships of this world. He was not special in this suffering of his. Those who fell like him were trekking forward in hopes that they'd see light again. There was a light of hope in their hearts. It may not be much but it keeps the darkness.

As long as they believe that God will give them a chance. As long as they truly believe that they can do it then they might just survive. Luck chooses randomly. Lanon was simply out of luck. He was in this state out of his own choices.

He became a sickly man struggling to survive. He was miserable but not hopeless. Losing hope means that he'll give up on life. There are many cases where normal men like him showed a great will to survive. He was not special in this case. Every man has their own will when they are placed on the edges of death.

Lanon was alive in this place. He truly felt alive in this despairing place. He was miserable but because of this misery that he was able to feel his beating heart. There was something about being one step away from death that made him feel free. In here he was not bound by the laws of social constraints. He didn't need to act like a decent person. There was no one that would judge him and call him a coward. In this place, he couldn't care about the trivialities that plague him. Still, this place was not suitable for any sane person. He thought of these things to comfort himself. Unfortunately, adrenaline is addictive. But he could hold on to it as comfort in this place.

The place where he was looked the same. There was a smell of dry blood and wet stone. There were countless vines growing in the upper and left ceiling. There was a sound of animals growling and monsters babbling in their own language. Lanon stayed stationary upon a mossy rock. He looks above the ceiling and thought:

"Mother, I cannot remember your name. I might be going crazy thinking of addressing this to you. Mother, I am trapped in this infernal world. I am in pain. I want to go back home already. I am not fit for this place. I do not belong in this world of fighting. What was I back in that world? Never mind, I couldn't even remember anymore."

"Why did I lose my memories? All I know is that I came here in this world as if I got robbed. I was a like a little bird taught to start anew. How do I do that? I honestly tried, Mother. I became a guardsman and somehow got a house in Moirai. I could have escaped this stupid duty. I could have run away. Why was I afraid? Ah, I think I know, Mother. I am afraid that she'd no longer find me. In fact, would she even return now that she's part of the sword maidens?"

"I'm a fool. I realize it now how I wanted her for myself. Shit, what kind of woman would live under the same roof as a man? I guess I was unconfident to think that someone would like me. I do not even like myself. Damn it, I guess when they say good times never last, they really are right."

"Mother, I want to give up. I cannot lift my left. My body feels like its burning. My left eye could not see any longer. I don't think there's any medicine out there that could treat this phlegm bumps. My sense of smell's fucked up. I am even surprised myself that I still live despite the odds."

"Mother, please don't blame me for this. I want to live. I truly want to. But it hurts so bad that I just want to close my eyes for good. I want to see her, Mother. I want to see her and at least tell her that I was fond of her. I just don't care if I misunderstood her. I just want to say it."

"It really hurts, Mother. Mother...please let it stop. No, I don't want to die, mother. Ah, it's getting cold. I think I am losing feeling on my limbs. Why am I even struggling so hard? I want to crawl out of this place. I want to die under the sky not here in this godforsaken place. I want to see the stars again. How many days I've been stuck here?"

"I just want to know who I was. I don't remember damn it! God, why did you put me into this world! I didn't do anything wrong! I wasn't such a sinner to put me in this hell damn it! I only wanted to live simply and not be in a world where monsters exist! I do not belong here so why would you throw me into this world! God, please save me! Show yourselves and please save me! I beg you to save me please!"

"Haha, I guess that's it? That's it I guess you wouldn't even care. I think I understand. Ah, I wonder what it's like to bask in the sun again. Is there even an afterlife? Man, I wish I had powers or something. That would be cool I would have moved so defiantly and eliminated the monsters. Too bad I am just some nobody who's talking to a mother he couldn't even remember."

"Hmm, I dreamt of being a Hero once. I guess in the end a nobody like me could amount do that. I wonder if things didn't go this way and would I become a person who is able to become competitive. I wonder if there is a version of me somewhere in this mysterious universe that I'd be able to do good. I wonder if there's a version of me that has such capability of fighting against these monsters. Maybe it is possible since even I am here in this world. I really hope that the place that I can vaguely remember exist and I did live in that place once. Hah, I guess it is already an achievement that I was able to travel through time and space and get to explore another world. But I don't wish anyone to experience these hardships like me."

"So...if there's someone like me that exists out there somewhere. Please do your best. I don't want you to end up like me. Miserable, unable to fight, and is forced to surrender right here. Be strong and have an unbreakable iron will. Please do not end up miserable like me. I want you to be a brave man who could fight and tell the person he loves and care for her! I don't want you backing down from a fight. Do what you will! So..."

He took a long painful breath.

"Please don't let this world bear you down to the ground. Don't let it despair you and turn you into a helpless coward like me. That's why...I -"

The light on his eyes flickered away like a light bulb going out. His chest stopped heaving up and down. The hand he placed on his chest slid down.

There was silence.

There was absolute silence.

There was no battle to the death here.

There was no determination or a will to survive.

There was only a man who was not able to take it any longer. There was only a lonely person who could not endure and decided to give up truly. He didn't die with honor or with a bang. In this dungeon, he laid on the ground with his body festered and rotting with a disease. He was battered man who abandoned his pride and dignity. He tried to survive and failed. His will told him to keep on going but his body could not do it any longer. That was the unfortunate reality of someone like him who didn't have any experience in fighting against this world.

This was a dead end route for Lanon. In this dungeon that many have died, he would be one of the many that fell. He didn't go out with a bang. He merely rambled on inside his head and with a whimper, stopped breathing to close his eyes for good. It was the end of his journey.