Chapter 162: Existential Crisis

"There must be at least something though, no?" the young boy she inhibited asked with a curious tone.

"There was only one thing that was known about the Empress of that time and that was her title," the Dark thing spoke in a torturously slow pace.

"What is it?" the young boy asked.

"The Princess of Denial"

'My past life is from the future!' Evin finished thinking and her consciousness was immediately sent to a different vision.

In it, her mind was inside the body of the young boy, warily looking through the gaps of a reinforced window. Outside, a gigantic blue tree was spewing out hundreds of pale blue humans from its flower-like things. Then, the humans just floated in the air, looking around themselves with confusion like they didn't know what they were supposed to do. 

Suddenly, a pop sounded behind her, as she looked back and saw that a similar situation was unfolding in the room she was in.

A pale blue female body appeared from inside the blue vein of the tree, but instead of feeling fear and worry like the boy she was inhibiting, Evin felt understanding. 

The pale woman then took notice of the boy and attacked him. After a brief struggle, she knocked the boy out and started to thrash about on top of him, ripping apart his body until a bright blue core appeared from inside the boy's chest. She seemed to space out a bit, before she began ripping apart her own body next, until a dark blue core appeared. Looking at the dark blue core, Evin couldn't help but feel fear and longing.

Then, the woman ripped it off her chest and merged it with the boy's bright core.

Evin was finally free from the vision, but another set of memories appeared in her head. But there was something different about this one. It wasn't about the young boy, or the spirit on another world. It was about Evin herself. It was about her future.

Evin watched without emotion.

"Princess, I will follow you for all eternity," she seemed to be saying. In front of her stood the same Princess that she saw just a moment ago, but instead of the disgusted and confused face she showed to Evin, uncaring boredom was apparent on her face.

"I don't care for your loyalty," the Princess spat out emotionleslly.

"Princess?" a confused tone came from inside her mouth.

"You seem to be misunderstanding something," the Princess said and made a pulling gesture at Evin. 

A heart-rending pain took over her entire body, as Evin could feel that something was terribly wrong with her situation. 

Trying to see what exactly was happening, Evin looked at her own body, but found that it looked transparent, almost invisible. It also felt like she was looking at her body from inside her chest, instead of how one usually looks at things from the eyes. 

Evin then found herself in a position that seemed to be the Princess' palm, like the other was holding her in her hands. Confusion and weakness filled her thoughts and the Princess shoved her into the dark blue seed she was working on.

After that, Evin's mind blanked. Endless dark-blue that seemed to stretch out for infinity. An unknown amount of time later, Evin felt herself being reborn from a flower. Everything felt instinctual. The way she ate the flower petals, the way she pulled herself out of it, the way she looked at the young boy in front of her, the way she attacked him like her life depended on it, the way she dug up the two cores and merged it in her desperate attempt at life...

But something went wrong in the final moment. The soul she tried to swallow up was too old, too 'chewy' for her to digest. Evin felt her heart being filled with regret and fear. She made a desperate gamble to merge with the boy's soul. 

...

The vision ended, and Evin found herself back in her original location, the one where she was stuck swearing her allegiance to the Princess. Her knees went weak, and she staggered onto the ground. But there was clarity in her mind. 

Evin finally understood what the hell was her problem. Why she always felt like a spectator on her life, why her personality seemed different from her actions, why everything felt so wrong all the time. Her whole entire life, she was just living a memory. And not with her own true soul and personality, but with the personality of another.

'Who am I?' she couldn't help but think these thoughts. 

After she realized this, she was about to hatefully glare at the Princess who had originally did something to her soul, but something was very different this time.

Instead of the haggard and tired young Princess, an almost godlike woman had appeared in front of her. Her existence which oozed out authority and safety calmed Evin down greatly and making her forget that she was having an existential crisis. All her problems and worries seemed inconsequential in this woman's presence, as Evin realized that she was just happy to simply gawk upon this woman without obstruction.

'Is this how it feels to feel unconditional subservience to someone?' random thoughts filled Evin's awed mind. She could never understand people that were truly loyal to someone else. In her mind, it was impossible for one to truly die for someone else. 

But looking at the woman in front of her Evin could kind of understand why some people felt like that. Why they were willing to put aside their own interests and chase after the beliefs and ideals of others. 

At this point Evin was convinced that the woman was a goddess of some sort.

'Is it the Final Empress?' she couldn't help but speculate.

It was an inevitable thought, as the goddess almost looked like a more mature version of the Princess she saw right before her vision came upon her, but compared to the Princess who looked exhausted and worn-out, this woman, this goddess looked like the swan that had transformed from the ugly duckling.

Her greyed out hair was replaced with a long and lustrous jet-black hair. And paired with her well-defined face that had lost all the unnecessary fat and the dark circles under her eyes, the woman looked much more mature and pleasing to the eyes. 

Her body had also become much taller compared to before, as she towered over the glass containers, her golden flickering eyes looking over them with idle amusement. 

Another big improvement in Evin's opinion was the goddess' clothing. It was a silky sleeveless long dress, which was decorated with dark golden ornaments. Her hair, neck, and chest also had similar accessories, with only her pale-white hands completely free of anything. 

But the thing that interested Evin the most was the slightly unfocused way she looked at things, like her mind was off about thinking of something completely different than whatever she was doing currently. The constant flickering in her eyes also did not help dispel this impression she had.

The woman then looked at Evin with a slight smile.

"I was wondering who had the gall to peek at my past. To think it was you… Heh, only 5 years here on my domain and you're already messing around with souls and memories," she said amusedly.

Evin looked back at her with a confused face. 

'Perhaps it had something to do with the vision I just had?' she wondered and tried to speak.

"Princess, I will follow you for all eternity," but the same words she had been repeating all this time came out of her mouth. Evin then looked at the goddess pleadingly.

"Ah, you're stuck inside a fixed memory. Let me help you with that," she said and walked through the table towards Evin. 

Evin noticed another arm appearing from inside the goddess' right hand and then reach towards Evin's forehead. Looking closer at the goddess' body, Evin could tell that when her hand moved, it was like countless other arms were moving alongside with it, as it blurred in the air like an afterimage of some sorts. 

But Evin wasn't able to think more about this, as with the touch of her hand, the goddess seemed to send her away to a place long sealed away by herself.

…