Chapter 68 - I Hate You

The next morning, Zhe Chouhen woke up early and was determined to do something about the events last night. 

He slowly lifted Stein's arm that was wrapped around him, and move carefully, but not slowly. The trick when trying to stealth your way around someone is to not move slowly, and make every second count. Most people make the mistake that if they move slowly, they are being careful, but that's not often the case. The slower your movements are, the more time you spend trying to escape, and the more chances for mistakes and slip-ups to be made.

He moved quickly, each movement precise and deliberate. He had reached the door, which was luckily not fully closed, and swung it open, before closing it as quiet as he can.

Click!

Once he closed it, he waited to listen for a while. There was no sounds of Stein making any movements. He sighed in relief.

Now, time to go see what's going on with Daoist Panda.

He did not knock, and only turned the knob to check if it was locked. The sound of it clanking may wake up Daoist Panda already. But when he turned his wrist, the knob also turned meaning that it was not locked.

What now?

He remained frozen by that door. Should he enter without permission?

It didn't take long for him to decide. He slowly opened the door.....

Daoist Panda was sleeping inside, in the body of Captain Clerval.

There was some itch in Zhe Chouhen's heart when watching him sleep like this. Not fondness from him being cute, but something else. Like.... Like...

He could watch him sleep like this for hours and never get tired, not get the urge to touch him or anything.

It's weird.

He felt like watching him sleep would be as natural as breathing or blinking. Which made him feel like a weirdo.

And yet, in the end, he just watched.

He watched him sleep, counting those sharp inhales and exhales he takes. He did not observe every detail of his face or anything cheesy like that. Just staring blankly. After all, this face isn't Daoist Panda's real face. 

He has no attachment to his appearance.

He doesn't care about his wavy platinum hair, or the eyes hidden behind those eyelids. There's no physical attraction to be felt. Nothing to pull him in.

It was the thought of the person inside, the one he had never seen physically yet known almost all his life, it felt like. That's what pulled him in.

Daoist Panda opened his eyes.

There was deep seething hatred in them.

Zhe Chouhen did not say anything. He just looked back at Daoist Panda. 

This caused the man to scowl, but it faltered a little, like a passing thought came to his mind causing him to soften up. But then, he waved away this thought, and glared at him again.

"Why are you here?" He asked.

"Daoist Panda....." Zhe Chouhen said. The name had always been in English. Panda uses 'panda', not the Chinese translation for his name. In Chinese, it should have been 'Daojiao Xiongmao'. 

Zhe Chouhen had always wondered why that is, but he didn't ask. It's not what he wanted to know right now. 

"Why do you hate me so much?"

Daoist Panda's face turned dark, and was immediately filled with dread. Zhe Chouhen could feel his shock from the question, like he had just made his heart stop. It confused him so much, wondering what warranted such a reaction from such a simple question.

Daoist Panda gritted his teeth, giving a grimacing smile. His tone was dripping with sarcasm. "What do you mean? I don't hate you at all."

Zhe Chouhen gave him a deadpan face, then chuckled. "Come one, Daoist Panda! We both know I'm the better liar between the two of us! Haha!"

"Then continue lying and focus on playing your role. Get out of my room."

This struck Zhe Chouhen right where it hurts, hitting the nail in the head. He really didn't need to hear that right now when his emotion is like a jumbled mess. The fact that he is playing a role and loving it because he is being loved from that said role. He hates being reminded of that, and wanted to seek something authentic for a bit, being himself around someone to stop that dreadful feeling.

And yet, that lifesaver is drifting away from his reach, in this sea of conflictions. He tried to swim towards it, yet Panda took it away from him, and now he's drowning. It's so suffocating, and no one can save him... Why.....

He desperately held Daoist Panda's hand. He was already kneeling at the floor ever since he watched him sleep. His eyes were glassy as well, yet he maintained a pained ironic smile.. "Heh, Daoist Panda..... Don't be like that. I'm your friend, aren't I? What happened? What did I do wrong? I will fix it, I promise, just don't push me away---"

"Gah! You're so loud and irritating!" Panda pushed his hand away. "Even your head is loud and full of thoughts! I can't sleep at all! I keep knowing things about you that I shouldn't!"

"Is.... Is that why?" Zhe Chouhen creased his eyebrows. "But Panda-laoshi, I can't turn off my thoughts. I can't control them, I'm just human after all. What am I supposed to do?"

"You... 'I can't control my feelings. I can't control my thoughts.' Ugh!" Panda mimicked him in a petty way, not really copying his voice but speaking in a stupid manner. "I hate it! I hate when you say things like that!"

"But it's true, I---"

"That's exactly why!"

Zhe Chouhen blinked. "You hate them because it's true?"

Daoist Panda fumed, and he grumbled like he can just cause wreckage and burn everything any moment. His face is completely red, like a child throwing a fit. But he didn't, and breathed heavily to calm down, again and again.

He turned cold all of the sudden, changing as quickly as the wind. He said coldly. "Leave. If you have nothing important to say, leave."

Zhe Chouhen was incredulous. He stood up, and held on to Panda's shoulders by reflex. This surprised Panda, causing them to fall onto the bed. He was again on top of him, in a precarious position.

"Panda-laoshi!" He could not help his voice rising. He was really irritated now, and close to being furious with this supposed lifesaver, this friend. "Why are you doing this to me!? Why are you pushing me away all of sudden, when I have done nothing wrong to you!? Explain to me, huh! I want to hear you explain, okay!?"

He saw Panda's eyes were full of fear. He let go, immediately thinking that he had gone too far. He didn't mean to scare Panda like that, he just wanted answers. He rubbed his hand over his face, and sighed. Then, he apologized.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you... I...." Zhe Chouhen was at a loss now. It was a serious mess, he wasn't expecting things to turn out this way. "I need you right now. That's why I came. I need you so badly, someone I can talk to about..... about myself."

"You're the only one who knows the real me." He continued. "I felt like I can talk to you about everything. But you keep pushing me away, suddenly grown distant without telling me why.... Ah, I feel dumb right now."

He sniffed a bit, and Panda blinked even faster. He was still stunned by everything, even the things Zhe Chouhen said, and sat up a little after being pinned so harshly. He hesitated, then took Zhe Chouhen's hand away from his face.

"Are you.... Are you crying?" He asked, still unsure despite seeing it already. "Because of me?"

"No.... Gah, I was frustrated, that's all. And my frustration turns to tears sometimes." 

Then, unable to stop himself anymore, he tackled Daoist Panda into a hug!

"Don't hate me." He pleaded, burying his head on the bewildered author's shoulder. "Don't hate me, please. Panda, you're all I have. Don't you know how much it hurt me to lose you? I don't like being alone, I know this feeling with Stein wouldn't last. So don't leave me as well."

"Please, please, please..."

He repeated again and again. The hater is begging to not be abandoned.

Panda really doesn't know what to feel right now. His hand froze in the air midway. The feeling of Zhe Chouhen embracing him like this... Calling out to him so desperately.... It's making his mind whirl, and he feels like he might go completely insane from it.

The only one he has.....

He felt happy, but also know what that implied. He was only clinging to Daoist Panda....

Because he knows that he will lose everyone else he loves. It is not a matter of choice, but just out of desperation, of the necessity of affection.

Zhe Chouhen knows that for himself as well. He knows how scummy it sounds. He is using Daoist Panda as a medicine to cure his lovesickness. Like a bandage to a wound. And he continues to get sick and wounded again and again over these MCs, these beautiful blond boys.

It feels terrible, knowing you are a terrible person.

But that's just how he is. He can't control his desperation. He can't control himself.

He knows that he is also a scum already.

"... Alright." Panda said, returning his embrace. "Don't beg anymore, I'll act like I normally did before. I won't make you feel like you're hated."

"Thank you." He said, nuzzling his head on his neck, staying in that world inside that door where they are safe from the peering eyes of others. Of that task of acting like someone he isn't.

"Just.... don't ask about my reasoning. I wasn't shocked because you shouted. I... "Daoist Panda faltered, but Zhe Chouhen already understand.

"I will. I won't ask you anymore." He wrapped his arms tighter around this man. "Panda, stay with me till the end...."

Panda sighed. In his mind, he can only say the words: 

[I hate you so much.]